Years Ago @ MindSay 
I was born in '67. At the time my father was an alcoholic, and though he was a brawler, he never abused my mother or myself. When I was about 2 or so, he got saved through the witness of a christian friend, and overnight, my dad became a different man, a 180 degree turn from his former life. In one day he stopped drinking, stopped drugging, stopped brawling, stopped anything he felt was unpleasing to God. It was a drastic change for all of us, including my mom, who followed my dad and accepted Jesus into her life three weeks later. Within a year my dad was enrolled in God's Bible School in Cincinnati, a very conservative, very strict school. He ate up everything that had to with God, like it replaced alcohol or something, and maybe it did. I've often thought he went from one addiction to another. Why? Well, he was very strict for one. I wasn't allowed to play outside on Sundays, I was required to attend every service and all events having to do with church, he didn't allow a TV in the home (until I was 11 and he mellowed a bit and also explains my love for music and words since all I did was read and listen to the radio, so today I'm glad for no TV in those days), and I was punished for any infraction he deemed sinful. Within a year we moved to Cincinnati where this greenhorn new christian pastored his first church. I don't remember seeing him much during my boyhood years except he always seemed to be around when I needed discipline (which was often), but with his ministry, schooling, and driving and hour each way to work a third shift job in Dayton, I came to understand in later years he was doing what God had called him to do and supporting his family the best way he knew how. I never once blamed him for not being around when I was a kid, though I do recall the hurt of him missing my sporting events, school presentations, and the general idea of the ideal father-son relationship. But that was years ago. Thankfully today my father is my best friend, I can go to him about anything and he has stood by me through all of my failings with unwavering support despite the hurt I certainly have caused him with my sinful wanderings over the years.
I have followed in his footsteps in my own life, though not in a good way. I have been an alcoholic, drug addict, philanderer, thief, violent, and the list goes on. He and I have often spoken of how mirrored our lives are, how I, out of the three sons, am most like him. This means much to me, for I love him dearly, and aspire to walk close with the Lord as he has for over 40 years now. He's not the same man he was back then, and his approach to the presentation of the gospel has changed over the years as he has aged and grown in the Lord. His messages, though still tinged with the discipline of the christian walk, are intertwined more and more with the love and forgiveness of God as opposed to the punishment of sins and wrath of God.
But I recall many times sitting under his preaching, during an altar call (which could go on and on forever it seemed and sometimes did) and hearing him say, "You might be ignoring the Spirits moving for you to come and kneel down, walk out of these church doors today, get hit by a car and go to hell." This used to scare me to death well into my young adult years before I stopped going to church. I heard the same things from evangelists who came to hold revivals, though maybe in different words. So my fear of hell became the driving force behind my going to the altar, of trying to be a christian. I was scared of God. No wonder it never worked.
Those of you who have read my last entry, I forgot to add something I learned or maybe I was waiting for the right time to express it. When I prayed that day and the Lord stepped in and covered my heart and mind in His peace as I was driving to work, I thought, this must be what Heaven is like. No worries, no troubles, no concerns, no mental illness, no physical illness, no worrying about the cares of the day. And though I haven't thought about the hell thing for a long time, I realized in that moment that making it to Heaven is what I truly long for, the goal I aspire to, the reason I am trying my best to live as the Lord would have me live. What a great revelation to my heart to know that there is a place where one day, if I remain faithful, I will live in peace everyday, rejoicing with the saints and those gone on before, and live in the midst of the One who has saved my life from sure destruction.
I am no longer afraid.
I don't have to fear life after death after all.
Friday night party at the Vanella's
- Mrs. Vanella, I like everything you do - I like the way you move! - Sean
- Thumper
- Yohe, Chris, Josh, John with the funny shirt(s)
- Jimmy Buffett in the kitchen
- The lights going out...twice...
- Bomb punch chugging contest between Joey and his mom
- 13
- NICOLE
- 43 year old women; Quinny and John. Discuss.
- Rick Rude baseball games.
- 3 bouts of rain and storm, and then...the sprinklers came on.
- Nicole and I told Kathy the hotdog story...
Saturday night block party in Island Park
- Lindsay, Kristina, Nora, Jaimie
- EDWIN. And Edwin remembering the good old days when I called him EdLOSE <3
- Erin not able to call me
- Etienne. Etienne actually GREW. Maybe 5 inches? I think he broke 7 feet a whiiiiiile ago....eep!
- "I've seen Emily more in the last 2 nights than I have in the last 4 years" "6 years, Chris" "Shiiiiiiiiiit"
- "You look really familiar. I know you" - Dan Travers, who I used to live around the corner from. The boy who used to offer me rides - such a nice family. Glad I didn't mess up and call him Sean. I can't believe Sean has been dead for 5 years. I can't believe I didn't go to the memorial while I was so near by. I wish I knew him better; I have never heard a bad word spoken about him.
- Bomb and his cousin, La Bamba.
- Old crushes. For the first time since I was a senior in high school, I was in the same vacinity as Danny K. We took our time to talk to each other (though I talked quite a bit to George, to be shared below), but eventually got there. Joked about how I don't live in WH anymore, had to get to Mass, and how I was turning tricks to get there. I was able to be brave enough that when he said that was a lot of tricks, I told him '2 at the most; I'm just that good'. 5 yaers ago I would NEVER have had the balls to deliver a line like that. Baby steps. He's still really cute, unfortunately. He got heavier (I saw photos) but looked better last night. Couldn't see his eyes in the darkness, but I know they're still gorgeous.
- George: "When we had that class together, we were friends". We were friends? George and I? Hilarious. Also, I called George 'Rob' by accident (actually, I said, 'where IS George' and he said "I AM George". I miss Rob).
- John with the funny shirts (last night's was about squirrels) went to give me a hug and just went and picked me up.
- Getting to put my feet up on George's back.
- Realizing I STILL don't like Mike T., and that it's OKAY that I still think he's a douchebag. I don't have to like everyone, and I really don't like him. He was such a jerk back then, and even though we didn't exchange words, I know he's still the same kid. Hasn't evolved at all. Chestnut's probably the exact same way. I have forgiven everyone else; I mean, I hugged and kissed Yohe, who I know was one of them....but I will never forgive Teich and Chestnut for continuing it. And it feels GOOD to not just forgive them because time has passed.
Though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all...
A continuation of Day One...
And here I am sitting face to face, eyeball to eyeball with a dragonfly and feeling as if we have both been here before. There is something, some emotion that is far older than I that tells me that we have done this before throughout the ages. His kind has seen my kind evolve from creatures far removed from what I have become. He has seen countless species die out or change into something far different than what they started out as. And yet he remains unchanged throughout it all...
It does not matter if this confrontation had taken place yesterday, a hundred years ago, a hundred thousand years ago, it would have been the same for him, only I would be different and he knows this fact as he stares at me and twitches his wings every so often. He knows that he has one this battle, and that he is the constant and though he may not recognize me because of my changes, I know him from his unwavering appearance...
And now he is gone and I remain though I know that we will meet again and I may be different, yet he will be the same...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
And dragonflies too...
....so im going to be moving out as of tomorrow.......agin that is......i mean i have moved out of my parents befor, and then i moved back in.......and now im moving out again.....i hope for good....
....i mean not that i dont love my mom, and i dont mind living wth her.....i would juts prefer to have my own space.
......on a nother note.....scott, gerr........i dated him for 2 years (first 2 years of high school) and that was bout 4 years ago now.......so i have known the kid for about 7 all together (he was friends with my older sister befor we ever dated)...and well recently i think a spark or something came back....because even after we broke up in highschool we never stoped being friends.......and well we decided to start dating a gain about 2 weeks ago....and about 1 week ago he decided he didnt want to
...his reasoning...........he "wants to be with me" he just thinks that if we dated right now that it wouldn't lead to anything.......and i guess he would want to date me with the idea in his head of some day making me his wife......so he thinks we should hold off for a wile.........i can see wre he is coming from......but come on...
this is my translation of what he told me ........i like you and i want to be with you forever "someday" ...but right now i just want to be a man whore.....and that is that.....
........is that an odd thing to think?....am i wrong in interperating it that way?
1. most recent pic of mike and i
2. this is how crazy it is!
3. mike messing with my new phone on vday
4. REALLY OLD!! at mike's rents house a few years ago. idk though..is it good?
*5. "I didn't think you'd ever say that to me." i was REALLY bored. its my 'emo' pic i guess
*6. "You can't hid from it forever. I can see right thru your fake smile." again..bored.
7. I'M BLONDE!!!!
*I WASN'T CRYING OR ANYTHING IN EITHER OF THESE PICS!!
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