Wrong Thinking @ MindSay

I opened pandora's box ....if I was one of those people that had 360 turning joints, what are they called....contortionists?  I'd kick myself reallly super super hard.   i'm  extremely disturbed right now. 

I went to that bar tonite where the crazy ex used to frequent.  I was banking on him not being there on a tuesday nite but I was so wrong.  Being polite, I acknowledged him and said hi.    He asked for my # and if we could keep in touch.  I didn't think there was any harm in that.... I was wrong again!!!!!!!!!!   please someone else kick me!!!!

guess who I hear from at 2am this morning?  that's right.  he's talking about all the reasons why we should hang out again and that he has no agenda.  and then he asks me out to dinner this weekend.  he's almost delusional.  I'm going to have to tell him it's a bad idea to start talking again......but one thing I'm afraid of, he's bipolar and has violent tendencies.  never to me, but I wouldn't put it past him to do something regrettable in his fits of unreason.   he still knows where I live. 

this was about 3 years ago when I had no clue what was good and bad for me.  what was I thinking????   having little self confidence and esteem really affects what you'll tolerate in a dysfunctional relationship.  quite sad. 

anyways, I could end up on some tabloid news show....."deadly consequences of having a jealous psycho ex".    okay, maybe my imagination is running wild.  who knows.  but I have the creepies and I can't sleep.  

    It's been an interesting last couple of days, and I must say:  I'm rather looking forward to the next few as well.   For once, I feel as if no matter what's going on, it's not that bad.  I've been searching for the deeper meaning of things, and really the basis of human wants and the interworkings of the mind, and I think I've got it narrowed down from last week sometime (as much of a stride as that sounds).  I'd like to attribute most of it to Communications, mainly because that class is so worthless and stupid and completely wrong in what she tells us about being humans and what we naturally think and what apparently has to be our thoughts...I get so upset in that class...it's so wrong.  She tells us that we're a certain way and that's just the way it is and there's no changing it, but that's a false statement.  As humans, we have the capacity to think and reason, and the whole free will thing factors in to prove that we can do whatever we want, but with the free will comes laziness and a lack of will to think outside our little realm of comfortable, socially-acceptable thoughts (which doesn't make any sense to me...they're thoughts in your head, they don't have to be socially-acceptable). 

I've also noticed that another user (imnotpoetic) has made a resolution to get things accomplished.  I'd like to wish her the best of luck, and I hope she accomplishes her goals, whatever they may be.  I like to watch people apply themselves for the betterment of themselves.  It makes me very pleased to see people looking to themselves to solve problems instead of looking to others.  It really captivates everyhting I've said about people being able to do things they really want to and only needing the right thing to spark the imagination and inspiration.  Now that I've said all that, I don't want you to let me down.  Don't dash my happiness.  Accomplish your goals and make me proud, and progress like you know you're capable of.   I have faith in you.


Anyway, back to my blog, I was sitting there today and I came up with most of the stuff on this particular list, the rest is from other classes.

1. I never really hada  reason to hate that kid, and I still don't, but I do feel slightly justified now
2. Who do I know with that name?!
3. It is hidden rather well in most circumstances.
4. I alwasy did like that kid :)
5. Hoping something happens and thinking it will are entirely different.  Hoping requires absolutely nothing but fantasy, whereas thinking something will happen is supposed to have taken thought and reasoning and at least a slight amount of logic.
6. "It's affected me for years." and yet you can't remember the story? 
   
7. If the individuals of a group cannot function as individuals, they shoulnd't funcction as a group.
8. Cuz there's rules applied to those that there aren't elsewhere.
9. Also, if you learned or believed anything they tell you in Communications, you're retarded.
10. Why is that typical?  You're an idiot.
11. She's not that hot...what's the big deal?  If anything, she's kind of creepy.
12. Feels like I'd just be going through the motions...which is something I definitely don't want to be doing.  I'd be doing basically what was happening before:  missing it when it's gone, never appreciating it when it's there.  Taking advantage of the one really good thing that had happened in a long time, and never realizing it until too late.  I'm glad I caught myself.
13. It's really really really really really really really complicated.
14. Ha!  A Utopia with religion?   Whatever.
15. Yes and no.  Why?
16. *sarcasm*  yeah, thanks Mr. Thomas.
17. Holy freakin piss.
18. Can we get some stability please?
19. People can be incredibly stupid.
20. Maslow's wrong.  Very wrong.  His pyramid of basic human needs is total bullshit.
    
21. That changed your life?  Depressing....
22. Again, take a freakin joke.  Jesus Christ.
23. The question wasn't serious, why are you?
24. Still #1, thank you.
25. Interesting mood change.  Quick too.   *sniff*
26. Harley Davidsons are worthless.  So are people who want one.
27. Recognition through falsities and dreams is the lowest form of dishonesty.
28. The things I treasure most in life cannot be taken away.
29. Opinion: to each, his own.  But some opinions are still wrong.
30. Looking at it, God (in one form or another) is the leading cause of death.
31. It creates more harm than harmony.
32. The idea is to keep the momentum, or lose as little as possible.
33. I hate people who look up every answer in the book on a review.  It's a review, you should know it.
34. Never leave a paper trail.   Ever.
    
35. God, especially when she does it like that!  wtf?!
36. CONSISTANCY.   Learn it, apply it.
37. Hmm...well, that wouldn't be logical, then, would it?  Idiot.
38. Not neccessarily.
39. Then you probably shouldn't have said anything.  Moron.
40. No, you should probably be the same to everyone all the time, unless circumstances in the past have altered the relationship, but that's not what you were talking about so piss off.
41. Maybe it's jsut the words and examples she uses that make it stupid.  Then again, maybe she's just full of shit.

Tonight's the night the world begins again.  I was talking with a friend (or so-called, self-proclaimed friend) the other night and I laid it out:  we never really talk, said friend only talks to me when they want something, we've never been more than friends but I suppose we'll never be less, and I don't like it.  That person talks to me a bit more, and I think they're trying to build a small friendship, but it's a weak start.  I don't care, I have enough friends, and they don't stab me in the leg like that one has.
Also, I'm throwing myself out on a limb tomorrow.  Sort of.  It's a plan I have...I think it's a good one.  It might work like I envisioned, but then again, let's be realistic: it probably won't.  And I'm okay with that, laregly due to the idea that I just need to get it done and over with so I don't have to keep it inside like this.  I've told 2 people about it:  Emily and Austin, probably the only 2 people that I'd feel okay with telling just about anything.  If you two read this, I'd like to say thanks for everything you've done over the years.  Really.  I don't know exactly who I'd be right now had I not had the companionship and advice you two have given me.  This one's mine though; I thought it up, I'm putting it into action, and I'll reap what I sow from it.  In a roundabout way, I feel like maybe I can get some good out of it...either I get some very good, or I get some very awkward.  We hope for the former, and I'll live with the latter if it so happens to be that way.

Cant sleep... Since, idk, 10:30 ive been trying to get to sleep but i kept having the same reoccuring thoughts. They pester at me, nawing at my head like no other. I know im sleepy and im extremely tired but i cant fall asleep. Love is an evil mistress and no matter how i despise it, i still take it in with deep care. Practically all day i was thinking about the same thing. I just couldnt get her off my mind. Ive come to terms that i am actually in a "half-love" state to say the least. To explain, I think im in love and have great feelings for her, i still need more time to get to know her. Hell i just started talking to her earlier this week.. or perhaps last week.. idk. All i can say is that i should stay away from her. From my point of view only bad things come come from it. Asking why is kind of a person reason so im not going to disclose that just yet but it feels like the exact situation i was in once before. Why did i get myself invovle? I knew it was completely wrong but i guess the "heat of the moment" took me by suprise and i didnt realize what i was doing. Now i when i find myself thinking of her willingly my heart starts to pound and i feel happy and stable.. but when im not she is still there but with the negative thoughts redundantly surfacing. Usually its the same message of why i got myself involved and what i think im doing and to try to stay in my place... so far not so good. the harder i try the harder it is for me to resist. Is it because shes a challenge to get to? I dont know *sigh*. In some asspects i see this as a good thing for myself. I found love once again but its just with the wrong person at the wrong time...

I think I might be wrong.

Wrong when I speak.

Wrong when I think.

Wrong when I think

of speaking.

 

I think I might be sad.

Sad about things I

really shouldn't be

sad about. Sad about

me.

 

I think you might be watching.

Watching me fail,

watching me hide from you

and people like you and unlike

me.

 

I think of you thinking of me

when you're thinking of no one

or nothing or if you

are thinking of everything

but.

 

I think I might be lonely.

That's why I write and

vent and avoid everyone.

Being lonely makes me want to

be.

 

I think I might be learning.

Learning to be wrong.

Learning to be lonely.

Learning to fail, gracefully

so.

 

I think it may be wrong.

Wrong to think of you as

I do. Wrong to wonder

"What if?" Right to know I'm

wrong.

I've been such a fucking basketcase lately! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. If I didn't know any better  I'd think I was either pregnant (no worries, I know for a fact that I'm not) or menopausal. I've been so extremely emotional lately it's scaring me. :S
Jeff mentioned last night that he might come up on sunday to see me, and I thought "wow, that would be really nice. I don't know how well it will fit in with my ridiculous studying schedule, or if it's really worth the money for him, considering I'll be home on wednesday anyways, but whatever, if he decides to come up, it'll be fun." I talked to him tonight, and he'd been thinking about it and wondering if it was really a good idea for all the reasons mentioned above. And I started crying. I agreed with him completely, and I really could use the time to study, and $30 is a lot of money when you're a poor student..and I knew I was going to be seeing him on wednesday anyways, but for some reason I just lost it and the tears started flowing. And this is far from the first time this has happened. I cry at the drop of a hat! if this is what extreme stress does to me, maybe I should just quit school now for the sake of my own sanity. not to mention everyone else who has to deal with me beign all crazy. GAAAHHH!

I'm really not digging this. I can't handle studying for 8 hours a day. I can't handle being cooped up in my room. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do at this point. Do I give up and allow myself to fail history, drop the course and have a nice peaceful christmas? or do I continue like this and come home for the holidays resembling (in appearance and manner) a recovering crack addict? I know logically, I should choose option B...but I'm probably going to fail anyways, so why fucking bother. GAH! I'm going crazy. Absolutely, 100% bonkers.

I'm not equipped to handle stress. This isn't cool. *sob*