Writer @ MindSay

When I first started writing this blog, I pointed out the cold sad fact that the most amount of people write the least read type of books: fiction.

 

Well, according to a recent article in The New York Times, even less people are reading fiction these days, or at least buying fiction, and that the major publishing houses are relying more and more on the big blockbuster authors, instead of taking risks on first-timers like myself.

 

So the impossible odds have gotten even more…impossibler.  How lovely.

 

But, I’m not allowed to be disheartened.  You know why?

 

Because my birthday was yesterday, and one of the gifts my wife got me was a subscription to The Writer magazine, with the tagline "advice and inspiration for today's writer," and articles like “Five Ways to Make Your Query Stand Out" and "A Step-by-Step Approach to Creating Emotionally Rich Characters."

 

She said it’s to keep me inspired, to push me to keep writing.

 

So, I guess I better get started…

Well, I really shouldn't say that I 'forgot' to tell you about somebody. I suppose you could say I saved this blog entry to tell you about her.
Unfortunatley, it's been a week since I last... 'talked' to her, I suppose you could say. It's been a week since I've felt comfortable around her.

Her name's Dixie. I split our close bond up, for many personal reasons. We were really close. How do some people describe it? 'Tight'? Is that it? ....Really doesn't seem down my alley, though. I didn`t put her in my blog list in the previous entry because I thought I would mention her in my second entry.

I can't really describe why I broke up our friendship. I suppose I was just getting fed up with the way I was being treated. I was becoming irritated with being treated terribly, and I was getting sufficently annoyed at the fact I couldn't help her. I was just getting upset in general, and I noticed that the amount of good times we used to have were slowly and gradually decreasing as time went by.

We first met in October 2006, online, over a writer's website. Sooner than later, we discovered we had so much in common... For a long while, she was the only one that I could talk to about anything - including the problems that life brought me.
But in February 2007, that changed. A big issue came up, and it left tears streaming down my face. I had never been so heartbroken, or so hurt, in my lifetime.

That was when I should have left it alone. Little did I know that all sorts of things were going to pop up, things I wouldn't be able to handle on my own, and things that I wouldn't be able to fix or make better. As 2007 and 2008 quickly progressed, I soon came to realize that I wasn't myself anymore. I had a haunting pain within me that was eating at my insides, and up until the end of 2008, it destroyed so much of me that it came to a point where I just didn't care anymore.
Most people don't know what it's like to have your innocence stolen, and to have your mind raped by voices that you never thought lived within you. Many don't know what it's like to feel like some monster has devoured the you that has now been left in the past.

The experience I shared with her changed me, in both positive and negative ways. In November 2008, people soon advised me that I didn't have to go through all these distraught nights, or I didn't have to live with all these mind games - ....for a price. I had to leave in order to achieve that.

...But I didn't want to leave. For the longest while, I felt like I had finally belonged somewhere. I felt wanted and loved, but soon enough, I knew I wasn't safe.

In the last weeks of December, I knew in my gut that I had to end everything between us. But I didn't know how, and I knew I would never be able to handle the aftermath that would accompany me.
January arrived, and on the 11th, I departed. I congratulated myself, knowing that was a very big step for me to take.
When I went to bed that night, I felt like my mind was missing completley. My mind didn't feel like it was physically there. I couldn`t daydream for more than five seconds without the dreams in my secret void suddenly dissappearing.

It's been a week since then. I'll just say that it's certainly been a rollercoaster. I can never go a day now without feeling content. A large part of me strongly wants to talk to her still, and another large part is saying that I just need a little break.
...But I can't go back. Nor, will I go back. I stepped out that door; into the dark, freezing cold world, and I embarked on yet another journey to find another purpose. The road is long, and nobody said it was going to be easy. But I'm ready to move on, now. That`s not to say that she won't forever remain within my mind. A shared friendship like hers certainly won't be forgotten.

P.S: If she's reading, I DIDN'T copy you. You have your blog, and I have mine. I have been working on my previous entry long before you made your blog. Plus, it's one of my side goals to have one. So, please, with all due respect, just leave your accusations out of this.

P.S.S: Many thanks to all those who left comments! I wasn't expecting them at all, so thanks for being so generous! ^^

In recent times, I have been plagued with a seemingly unanswerable question: who or what do I want to be as an adult? Which career will I choose?

 

I think, however, I finally know the answer.

 

I want to be Eric Rohmer.

 

Eric Rohmer, for those who are not familiar with international cinema, is a French filmmaker who has been making unusual, excellent and intelligent movies for almost 50 years. My concern, however (and this is unrelated to the fact that he is one of my favourite film directors), is more to do with his career prior to filmmaking - that of an intelligent, intellectual film critic for the influential French magazine Cahiers du Cinema (other names who shared this pursuit were Chabrol, Truffaut, Rivette, and one of the most famous names in cinematic history, Jean-Luc Godard).

 

Of course, I fully realise that I may never have the necessary talent that Rohmer possessed to move into the world of filmmaking. However, I believe I do share his passion for analysing films, and perhaps some of his critical writing ability - could this alone be sufficient for me to become a film critic, even a great one like Rohmer was?

 

However, one does not become an esteemed film critic overnight, and I am puzzled as to how exactly I would achieve my goal. Some have suggested looking into a journalism degree, but, to be honest, I am held back from exploring this field by the sheer immoral populism of the mainstream media. One of the last things I want to become is some writer for a major newspaper, with exaggeration, fear, and looseness with the truth being my main weapons, in a desperate search for irrelevant, barely existing news. That is the opposite of my dream, yet I fear that that is where a degree in journalism would leave me.

 

And, more than anything, I see such a degree as unnecessary - surely, possessing a basic writing ability as I do, a degree in journalism seems useless, especially in relation to being a film critic. Surely film studies would be a far more relevant field of study for the work I want to find.

 

At least I'm thinking about it, I suppose. I hope that counts for something.

Those are the words of a co-worker of mine. I don't think that a book like that would be all that good as many people would basically take it as I was a dumbass for taking him back three times and then see a pattern of all my past relationships. If I wanted my love life analyzed, I would go back to therapy.

 

Anyways, haven't heard from the guy who visited in November since his visit. Rather disappointing, but I guess that is life. Had a date last week with a local guy. All went well, but scheduling is a bit of an issue....big surprise there, eh?

 

The other day I asked Doctor Andy to marry me again. What does he do? He laughs at me! Then he reminds me that he doesn't like to rush into things. Hell! Andy and I have known each other for at least five years! Rushing into things? What world are you in? lol

October 23, 2007 (San Dimas, CA) Military-Writers.com is a website committed to listing servicemembers who have authored books. The website added a free, completely downloadable,  novella on Sergeant Jim Heitmeyer’s experiences as a Military Police Officer in Desert Storm.

 

According to Jim Heitmeyer, “Trucks and equipment were loaded quickly for deployment and all soldiers received their necessary overseas vaccines. Large musters were formed to insure all soldiers were present as activated. All soldiers’ 201 files were checked for updated information. New dog tags were issued with name, religion and blood type.

 

Some troops were transported by buses to their assigned duty bases for the necessary training in NBC (nuclear, biological and chemical) warfare and tactics. Everyone was present and accounted for and ready for transport to their newly assigned staging point.

 

Some members of the 745 Military Police Company were activated in October of 1990. At 0400 hours on 28 November 1990 I was called to report to the capital hill armory off 44th and Pennsylvania Street. The remainder of our unit had been activated.  We were told to report to the armory with all our gear. Being activated must have affected Vietnam vets in a similar manner when they were called to war.”

 

Later, after the war had begun, Jim Heitmeyer writes, “Then it dawned on me. I didn’t have any aerial markings on my vehicle and that was a serious problem right now. The gunship continued to track me for a mile before banking off. I thought, “Ok Jim, you have nearly been killed four times already on this trip and only GOD could have saved you.”  I was shaking like a naked man in a snowstorm from fear. Just about the time when getting my senses back two F-16s scraped me, flew in front of me and turned back my way. They lowered their altitude to about tree level headed directly at me. “I am definitely toast and dead now!” I thought.”

 

Jim Heitmeyer was born in Phoenix, Arizona and raised in Paradise Valley. Jim joined the United States Marine Corps and completed his service to our country. Jim later joined the Oklahoma Army National Guard’s 745 Military Police Company. Jim served during the “Just Cause” war in Panama and Operations Desert Shield & Desert Storm.  Jim Heitmeyer attained the rank of sergeant (E5).

 

Jim Hietmeyer is a retired lieutenant from the Oklahoma County Sheriff's Office (Oklahoma).  After his retirement from the Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Office he worked as a police officer for the Arcadia Police Department from 2001 through 2004.  During his career, he worked as a jailer, deputy sheriff, CLEET instructor, American Red Cross Instructor, and biohazards instructor.   He is the author of two books under the pen name of Jim Daly: Lockdown Madness and Behind Steel Doors.

 

Military-Writers.com currently lists 52 current or former military servicemembers and their 132 books.