Worthless @ MindSay

Why don't people ever come to me with their problems, or why do they always tell me "nothing's wrong" like I'm not to be trusted when something is clearly wrong? I always love listening to people talk about their problems because usually I'M the one who goes to other people to complain so I like to feel like maybe I'm not so alone. I'm a pretty trustworthy person; I don't tell anyone's secrets and it's not like I'm a terrible listener or anything. The people I ask about are usually close friends of mine too, which makes my questioning even stronger. So why don't people talk to me about their problems? Why does nobody cry on my shoulder? Why don't people trust me? Am I really that horrible of a person?

So, here it is, the monthly-or-so episode in which I feel that I don't matter. That nothing else matters. Of course, maybe I should be thankful that it doesn't happen as often as it used to, but I still can't help but feel depressed right now. I can only hope it's just a side effect from the meds I've been taking (took the final pill, thank God). Or my period. Or both.

 

But seriously, I feel as though everything I do is so mediocre. So I can play the violin... so what? Nobody really cares about that, I've begun to notice. Sure, most of the people I know who know of my musical ability are like, "Wow, you're really talented" or whatever but where are they when I repeatedly invite them to my recitals or concerts? Nowhere. I'd update my Xanga months before the ECYS concerts to inform some of my closest friends to come and see me perform, and not ONCE did any of them show up. (Okay, that's a lie, I finally got Brian and Wendy to go... but it was like pulling teeth to finally convince Brian to show up. And we were dating.)

 

I want to feel as though people actually care enough about me and aren't just putting off a front. And I want to feel like the stuff I do matters and that people care about the stuff that I do. Why is it that I've had friendships with some of my closest friends since middle school, yet when Morgan gets acquainted with them for a month, they all become closer to him than they ever were to me? I tried so hard all of junior year to tell everyone in that group that I felt left out, that Indira felt left out. I would leave the band room during lunch early because nobody would be talking to me; they'd all be talking about marching band, or singing marching band songs, or... whatever. Even when Indira and I started eating in the photography room and I would invite everybody there to come eat with us, they only showed up, what, three times, because the band room was closed or there was a substitute teacher there that day. I would mention on Xanga that I felt left out, and they'd reply, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you felt that way, we'll try to go eat with you guys in the photography room someday," but not do anything about it. It's almost as if their few trips to the photography room to eat were because they felt obligated to, or because, "well, there's no other place to eat, let's just go there".

 

But I guess now it doesn't really make a difference. I still feel unaccomplished, yet here I am, sitting on my lazy ass, not really feeling the motivation to get up or do anything. What have I really done with my life that I can brag about to people? What's there to remember about a girl who spent hours sitting in front of the computer, typing up angsty-ridden journal entries about her sense of unaccomplishment? Are people even going to remember anything about me when I die? Morgan's out doing things better than I could imagine and becoming close to all of my close friends, and I'm here just doing nothing. I guess that I have to accept that people don't want to talk to me or become close to me, but I just don't understand why. God, I feel like shit.

 

On a slightly brighter note, I got my period two days ago. I'm not pregnant.

I can't really say that I'm in a good mood today. Maybe I'm PMSing again. Who knows.

Happy Easter, I s'pose.

I changed my default font colour from red to white, because I remembered this morning that the colour red releases off angry chemicals or hormones or something. There was too much red on my blog anyway.

Yesterday I woke up and started crying in the morning. I stayed in bed until the late hours of the morning. It took me great effort to motivate myself to actually get up and out of bed. When I did, I remained down in the dumps for most of the day. It was sunny out. I slept most of my afternoon. I went for a small walk outside by myself, knowing that sunlight and light in general releases what I call "happy" chemicals in the brain. It didn't work. Mom took note of how I was feeling, but she did nothing about it. I wrote a poem yesterday, I slept, and I went for a walk. Nothing I did made me feel any lighter or happier. I even told mom to not answer the phone if it was for me (Vicki tends to call on a daily basis), because I had a 0 tolerance for people. Even today, I still feel the same way.

I feel like breaking something. I feel like punishing myself for no good reason. I still feel angry, like yesterday. I don't want to be around anybody at all. I like being isolated. I like it when I'm all by myself. That way my mind wanders to a distant place where I can be who I want to be, where I'm pain-free, and where I can do whatever I want without feeling anything afterwards.

Today, Easter Sunday - I was dragged to church. There was no point in me going. There's no point in me doing anything in relation to religion now, I've discovered. Might as well "savour" my time while I'm here on this cruddy earth.

I don't even know what to DO with myself anymore.

The fam and I are going out to dinner tonight at this restaurant here in town. I'm not even hungry.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #12

BIG LOAD OF POINTLESS

 

 

Today's just been so fucking pointless there's nothing even worth commenting on.

 

Basically, I went to college for nothing - I only have D block today - and it was cancelled.

I went into the LRC with Lewis to do some more work on my coursework - only to be refused login seven times - and twice again on the 2nd PC I tried before I gave up.

 

I went into town with him afterwards for a wander around - I bought a XL Bacon Double meal from Burger King - put it in my backpack to eat when I got home - so it's made my bag go all funky inside. I'm airing it out at the moment - it'll be fine - I've had weirder things in there before. (Pig's heart, cough.)

 

Came home on the half 12 64A - went upstairs and played a combination of Guitar Hero World Tour and Guitar Hero III for about four hours.

 

Came online to Ashleigh and Adam - talked to Ash about our coursework - broke the news to her about needing to re-do the vomiting scene, but she said she doesn't mind.

 

That surprised me - but not as much as the second thing she said.

 

On the 14th, mam and dad are going away again - Shelly and Ash were going to both stay over - but Shelly's going away that same weekend. I didn't think Ash would want to stay here alone - but she does...

 

...Even with things like this she says to me, things she does for me - I still don't think she likes me much...

I don't really know what it'll take to make me believe she does either...

 

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Tomorrow I'm getting the vaccination against cervical cancer.

I'm absolutley shitting it.

 

I was told that I can be seen in a private room...

Ash said she'd come with me - she's going to get it as well - and she said she'd hold my hand...

 

...But I know I'm going to be overly pathetic, and I know I'll be embarrassed for Ash to see that...

 

So... I kinda forgot I had this thing.

I'll start writing more.
I promise.


....I think.