Worry @ MindSay

I can barely speak, breath

For the fear of rejection

I hardly whisper a thought

 

Walking through my front door

Starts the cycle for the day

The worries, the preoccupation

Few are the seconds that can pass

With my fears filling them

 

Irrational and rational

The reality and imagined

All are worth my time and anxiousness

All of them receive them each in equal parts

 

Laying down at nights

Does not end the torrent

The night has its monsters

My sheets are not sanctuary

Nor an asylum

My dog died over break. That definitely sucked. Please don't comment and tell me how sorry you are; I don't wish to relieve it every day. I appreciate all good thoughts you guys send toward me and I will accept them graciously. I just... don't want to talk about it. I loved Ranger and I have good memories but I need some time to heal.

In other news, I have $70 to my name right now, and that's only because I worked over break. If I hadn't worked (like I'd been planning) I would officially be in the negative integers now as far as cash flow is concerned. I've been thinking about things lately and I've realized that I have to get a job next semester. It doesn't have to be as involved as transferring the the Wegmans in Johnson City; I think I might be eligible for work study next year, and if I am I'm going to get a job in the library or something. If not, I'll find something. They've got a recruitment page on Binghamton's website. Since I'm not being productive otherwise, I'll swing over there tonight and have a look.

The loan I have to take out next semester is going to be ridiculously large. I'll have to sit down this summer and try to calculate how much my bill will be, based on this semester alone. This semester's tuition was about $8500-$9000 and FAFSA covered about half, so if I take out $20,000 I should be set. Whatever I have left over can carry into junior year. That's going to be a bitch to pay for... that's the year I want to study abroad in Ireland. I'll probably have to take out the maximum amount on my loan to pay for airfare, tuition, and other shit. Common sense would tell me to stay here because it's cheaper, but I want to go so badly. I want to go see a little bit of the world while I'm still young and able. Once I graduate from college, I definitely won't be able to travel for a long, long time.

I hate money. I should just move to Europe and go to school there. Their college tuition is disgustingly cheap. Bastards. Maybe I'll just stay in Ireland if I like it enough.

I fucking wish...

i guess i feel like i'm about to step off of a precipice
...
it's one of those feelings where, you just know, whatever happens, things will never be quite the same again
...
but things aren't exactly perfect right now, either
...
although, at least you know what you know right now
...
i'm not going to lie
...
i'm afraid

I don't want to bug you,
But hear me out please.
I need reassurance that I'm what you need.

I sit and I doubt. I worry and pout.
I try to let go, but my heart yearns to know.
I've sat in dark silence. I've played, "I'm Ok."
I don't want to sit here and doubt anymore.
If you'd tell me you loved me, I'd be yours.

I miss your arms 'bout me.
Your whisper the same.
I'd call in the night, loving your name.
I want to be with you, to make it all right.
And yet I still doubt you come morning's light.
I need your love like I need the air.
And the longer it's hidden, the more I will care.

I feel like I'm clingy. I feel so ashamed.
But this is how it is, I'm no longer the same.
My heart has been turned and I yearn to adore
The floor which you walk becomes Mecca and more.

I want you to love me. I need you that way.
Tell me you love me, and make my heart sway.

Have you ever had one of 'those' days where it doesn't matter who you speak to...somehow you say the wrong thing?

I seem to be having one of those weeks. I say too much. I don't say enough. I try to explain and I end up not knowing if I've messed it all up. I doubt. I worry. I find myself in pain.

Sometimes ducktape over the pie hole seems the most expedient option.