Worried @ MindSay

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Ash wasn't able to make it this Saturday - her and her family were off somewhere as a day-late birthday outing.
Damn them. I wish my family cared about me the way Ash's cared for her.
Regardless.

Shelly still came along - which I'm glad of.
I don't like spending Saturdays alone if I can help it.
One thing that's for sure about Saturdays is that I won't do any college or schoolwork.
I won't do homework, I won't do coursework and I won't do revision.
Saturdays are my days for chill.

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Before Shelly came, I tidied up my room, brushed my hair, cut my nails and ran myself a bath.
(I really can't wait till the shower works again. This bathing malarkey is doing my nut.)

Shelly stood in the bathroom with me and talked to me while I washed my hair.
Then I asked if she'd scrub my back. :)
She washed all of me - even getting off all the song lyrics I'd written up my arms in yesterday's English lesson.
When I get bored, I write lyrics on my hands and up my arms. The ink on my hands tends to come off with sweating and washing my hands after using the toilet though.

After my bath, we laid on my bed for a while, cuddling and kissing.
I warned her that I have a chest infection, but she carried on kissing me.
I can see her getting my sore throat and cough now. I did warn her though.

It feels like quite a while since we've had this much time alone.
Of course, we took advantage of that. :)

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Time passes so fast when you're having lesbian fun. :P

Either way - I started to feel really ill at around 5.
We went downstairs for something to eat - and I don't remember what happened.

There's a big piece of my time recollection missing.
Shelly said she found me laid on the floor in the living room and I wasn't breathing. She thinks I passed out.
I know I went downstairs before her - but all I can remember is her picking me up and propping me against the wall while she went to get my inhalers from upstairs.

I'd taken too much of my Salbutamol - I got the shaky hands.
Overdosing on inhalers wrecks the stability in your fingers. No matter how hard you try, you can't keep them still.

I was making microwave pasta for myself - Shelly didn't trust me to pour the boiling water, with my dizzy disorientation and my shaky asthma overdose hands.
She was worried about me. She was doing a lot for me, making sure I didn't hurt myself.

A lot of the time I didn't understand what she was saying, so I think she repeated herself a lot.

I felt that she cared a lot though.
That made me feel special and loved.

I don't like to think that I scared her though.
Whatever I did, I didn't mean to do it...

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #86

Returning Home

 

 

 

Today has officially been my most boring day for about 3 years now.

Knowing I needed to have coursework done for tomorrow - I packed up my Playstation and my Wii.

 

I put Bully inside its box and put it right at the bottom of my hold-all.

I then proceeded to pack up all of my clothes and possessions - making it very difficult to obtain the game again without much aggravation.

 

I packed up everything except the clothes I needed today and my PC, which I left alone.

 

After I'd showered - I updated a few blogs, got dressed and ate lunch.

Then of course, I thought I'd try doing coursework.

 

But obviously - I couldn't.

I wouldn't let myself do anything else, so for a lot of the time, I was watching all my old favourited videos on YouTube and dragging files around in my documents folder.

 

I made them into a pattern at one point - I should have print-screened it.

 

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Mam and dad came for me at about half 7.

I'd packed up my computer about 5 minutes before.

 

Nana had annoyed me again throughout the day, so I didn't give her much of a goodbye.

I'm a cunt, I know.

 

Shelly had been on the phone to me for a lot of the day - she was helping me to organise my time.

She rang me back once I got home - I talked with her while I unpacked my stuff and put it all away again.

 

It was proper weird being back in my room after 3 weeks of not seeing it.

I'd almost forgotten what duvet cover was on my bed.

 

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Mam brought in the presents she'd got me from India.

 

They'd got me a shitload of Indian sweets to start with.

I'd asked for some before they went.

 

So I ended up with a massive bag of 1-rupee sweets, random mixtures of toffees, fruit chews and candies.

Some gummies similar to the Trolli gummy pizzas, only they were some Indian brand instead. (They tasted A LOT better than the Trolli ones too.)

Then they'd gotten me some chocolates which seemed to be the Indian equivilent of Smarties. These were so fucking good. They were that type of chocolate that feels gritty in your mouth, but it's well sweet.

 

In the resteraunts - mam told me - they gave you bowls of 'breath-freshening sweets' - and they'd bought me two bags of them. They're like TINY mint torpedos. (Which I'm REALLY not a fan of...)

 

Along with the confectionary goodness - they'd bought me a satchel with a pirate skull embroided on it. There's a slogan that says: "HELL WAS FULL. SO I AM BACK."

 

To go with the carved oraments and crafts they got me last time - I got a little wooden carving of Ganesha sitting in a  leaf, a mirror-studded ring box and an elephant carved from this stone that changes colour with moisture and heat. It goes from brown to red to green.

 

My favourite present was a T-shirt - a really detailed picture of the Grim Reaper smoking a cigarette and playing a guitar. :)

 

Mam texted me through the week at one point, asking if Ashleigh and Shelly would like a paper star.

She brought three back - a red and black one - which is mine - a pink and purple one and a red and gold one.

I'll let Ash and Shelly decide between themselves which one they'd like.

 

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I'm really stressed out though.

I managed to force myself to write a shitty paragraph of my first commentary.

It's about 160 words - the whole thing needs to be about 500.

 

I have to go and see Mary tomorrow - and she's proper gonna rag my ear off.

She'll blag head to the max.

 

(Sorry, felt like being a chav for a sentence. :P)

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #84

Almost at a loss... 

 

 

I didn't wake up for proper ages today.

It's odd - the longer I sleep, the more likely I am to feel good when I wake up.

In effect, I was in a decent mood for most of the day.

 

I ate Sunday lunch with nana and grandad - beef joint.

Ian came round, sat with me in my room while I played Bully and he had a mooch on the internet.

His modem is proper shite, so he must've jumped at the chance.

 

He also leant me Resident Evil 4 - having heard about my recent trouble with obtaining it.

 

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I progressed proper far on Bully - managed to get from the end of chapter 3 to the start of chapter 5.

I ate my Sunday tea - piled high with a shitload of cake.

Nana got these weird bars that are like Rice Krispie cakes, only with orange flavoured chocolate on them.

 

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Then I got a phone call from Shelly - she'd been cutting her wrists and she'd taken tablets again.

Her mam had said previously that she's not allowed to see me anymore, and now she'd taken her games consoles and things away from her.

 

I was scared, knowing she'd tried commiting suicide before, but she'd never gone to the extreme of cutting her wrists and taking tablets.

She was pretty out of it - but I managed to convince her to go and tell her mam she'd tried to overdose.

 

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I had no response from her for about three hours.

I texted her several times asking her how she was, and tried leaving voicemails.

 

I got so worried and anxious I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore.

I eventually turned off my Wii, laid in bed for an hour and just cried.

 

I couldn't bear the thought that I may lose her. She's done a lot for me, and she means a lot more to me than she thinks.

Alright, she can't make me 'happy' - but nobody can. Happiness is not an emotion I experience. She may not do that, but she brings me to the height of my good emotions. Whatever you'd call them.

 

I can't continue on without her in my life...

 

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I got a phone call from her at around 11.

She'd been to A&E - had her wrists patched up with sterry strips and she'd been given medicine to get the tablets out of her system.

She'd had a psychological exam too - apparently she's not a danger to anybody but herself.

 

I stayed on the phone for about 3 hours, crying to her.

I made her cry at one point, telling her how much she truly means to me.

 

If she'd have died today, I'd have killed myself too.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #40

Problem ALMOST Solved

 

 

I bloody hate Mondays.

There's really no fucking point in going into college for just one sodding lesson.

One sodding HOUR, practically.

 

But either way.

Ash watched the trailer first draft on Saturday.

Shelly made out that she proper hated it, but she just didn't like the order of the clips.

Sarah watched it today and identified what the problem was - the speed.

It's currently far too slow to be a slasher horror. It's also a bit TOO revealing.

So yes, in this case - less IS more.

 

I shall be sorting this problem later.

 

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I bought myself an XL bacon double sandwich from Burger King and a pack of Kinder snack bars from B&M - got the 64 home, then sat on the sofa and chilled out, eating my nosh and watching Spongebob.

 

I got the urge to play Donkey Konga 2.

I finished off the whole of Chimp duet mode - then finished all but one song on Chimp beat-mix.

There's only ONE song I can't get gold DK on. It's PISSING ME OFF.

 

I returned to Resident Evil shortly after.

I have a save point just outside the first battle with Tyrant. I can't be arsed with him at the moment, he can taste my magnum later.

 

In other news, I've decided not to waste my life away with Neopets.

I'm not going on it again - to ever accomplish anything on that game, you have to dedicate at least 4 hours a day for two years.

Can't be arsed, to be honest.

 

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Shelly rang me later on. We talked for a few hours, then she got a phone call on the house phone.

Her nana's died - I feel so bad for her. She cried on her phone for about 10 minutes and nearly gave herself a panic attack. I had to calm her down as best as I could, trying to help her relax enough to be able to breathe normally again.

 

I know how that is. It's not easy being a manic depressive asthmatic. When one cries, one cannot breathe.

 

So it looks like I'm spending the day with Ash tomorrow.

...Even though I feel really fucking weird towards her at the moment.

 

She's on MSN, I've let her know about Shelly, and also that there's things I need to talk to her about.

I don't want to upset her though... It's about time she knew the truth about how I feel about her and how her hostility makes me feel...

 

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And I'm also in a dilemma - do I go to Southend... Do I miss off a few Photography lessons, miss seeing Ash and comforting Shelly, having to lie to Aunty Betty about how my life is going and share a room with my nana... Having to see my nana upset after her sister's funeral and leave grandad here on his own...

 

Or do I go to Southend to see Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy?

 

...Jesus Christ, talk about outweighing reasons.

And I just don't know what's causing them. I haven't really had any since I've been on these meds, but for seem reason, out of nowhere I get really anxious and then PANIC ATTACK. It kept me up really last night for no reason whatsoever. I couldn't fall asleep no matter what I did. Just felt it was kinda odd. Maybe I'm worried about this weekend...