Work Time @ MindSay

Just got home from work, relaxing after an 8-hour shift that ended up being almost a 9-hour shift. You know, I kind of have a love-hate relationship with my job. I love the people I work with (with the exception of Loretta when she's in a bad mood), the work is fun--if not mindless. I spend most of my time laughing at something someone's done or said or having a great time goofing off. Goofing off is actually kind of encouraged because it entertains the customers and as long as we're goofing off in a way that still yields smoothies, it's all good. They always work aroudn my schedule. There's only been one time when I wanted off (didn't really need off--I just wanted to go to the river rather than work) that I couldn't get my shift covered. I get all kinds of free food, which actually does cut down on groceries because I'm not hungry by the time I get home. My problem? I hurt. I wear nonslip shoes that kill my feet. I do a lot of heavy lifting, and I have a mild back injury that just kills me every time I lift. Oh, and pretty much every shift, I come home with some new cut or scrape on my hands. The place is murder on your hands. Absolute murder. I also come home completely exhausted and covered in smoothie gunk. Right now, I am avoiding getting up just to go to the front door, which is only a few yards away. I guess it's that whole blue-light special thing. You gotta take the good with the bad. Really, despite all the physical pain (wow, massochist much?), this is the best job I've ever had. I've worked at ColdStone, Ben Franklin, K-Mart, a b&b, and Jamba, and Jamba is by far my favorite place.

It seems to me that I have a problem with making bad situations out of nothing or making things worse than they ought to be.  I do it all the time, and it is pretty irresponsible now that I am on the verge of marriage and have a child to take care of.  I can’t afford to keep making stupid mistakes; I’m not a student or a kid anymore.  It is getting old.  I’ve created awkward situation after awkward situation regarding this wedding and my side of the guest list.  I was told time and time again to get it straight who I needed to invite, and I did the opposite.  Well, for a day that should be about celebration, the anticipation is littered with potholes.  Lindsay has had to deal with a lot of the crap from this as well, and I apologize to her for that a thousand times.  I need to not rush into things and quit being lazy.  I need to be a better person, plain and simple.  Just getting by does not work anymore; mediocrity is a step away from failure.  I really let myself down sometimes. 

For the first time in months, I woke up this morning and got ready... Not for work... but because I was going to be going to my grandmothers. I got ready with care and consideration, rather than just cleaning up the clothes I passed out in and running out the door, like most days are.

What I wore made me feel more like myself, A self I hadnt been for a long time. Its now i realize that I have two important persona's. A person doesnt remember all their faces, but we all have them. Mine unfortunately need work. One of them has dissapeared, the strong one, and left the weak one to bear up under massive amounts of pressure, things she couldnt handle.

Whats scary is knowing I have two people to take care of. And I don't know if i have the energy to. I'm trying to rewrite my path, my mind, what i see ahead of me. I trying to become healthier without succumbing to dis-ease.

Its hard when my surroundings blow out every candle of hope I manage to light.

I had my half term recently during which i did a lot of extra work at the Assay Office. I work from 8:30am to 4:30pm as well as overtime if I want it. Since i got back to college I have found it really boring and uninteresting unlike my week at work. Becasue of this I want to quit college and start fulltime at work. There are pros and cons to this. I really enjoy learning new and interesting things but i also like the freedom that i have with work. Also I finish college in June so I could start working then. However i also really want to move out of my house and get a flat of my own.

I really don't know what i want to do. June isn't so long away and then I would be free of college to do whatever I want. I'm not going to Uni so I don't really have to care about what sort of grades I get. But i don't have the freedom of being able to do what i want to whilst at home. If I brought someone home with me from a party for example, my mum would probably kick me out of the house. SHe even has a go at me whenever i buy an 18 rated DVD or an album with parental advisory on it.

She has also been telling me to stop smoking but I keep telling her no. She can't stop me I never smoke in the house so she can't even use her "It's My House" thing on me. It's getting annoying that she makes me ask her if i can go out and i have to tell her what time i'll be back. I'm just sick of being treated like a child and being told what to do all the time. This makes me want to work full time and move out.

However, there are some new flats being built near us which should be finished in august probably. That would mean that i could just rent/buy one of those when they first go on sale. They're probably not gonna be that expensive seeing as they are new.

Ah decisions decisions. Never been too good at making them but i guess i will have to. I'll mill the idea over in my head for another couple of weeks and then make a proper decision. Hopefully talking it out will also help me to make a decision.

Anyway,

"There's no room in this hell. There's no room in the next."