Wondering @ MindSay

Lately, I've spent a good deal of time thinking about God, faith, religion, and beliefs.  My thoughts have mostly stemmed from my Philosophy 101 class in which we began hot and heavy with topic of God.  But I suppose I should start at the beginning.

My parents met while attending Austin Theological Seminary in Austin, Texas, where they both studying to become Presbyterian ministers.  Both of my grandfathers- their fathers, are now retired ministers. My maternal grandfather a Cumberland Presbyterian turned Methodist, my paternal grandfather a lawyer turned Presbyterian minister.  All four of my grandparents, as well as both of my parents are deeply spiritual and religious people.  They are all studied in theology.  My mom was a practicing minister from before I was born until I was 14 or so, my dad is still currently a minister and will continue to be so until his retirement.  While my mom's life has taken her in a different direction than ministry, she still attends church regularly. I suppose the simple version of this is, my family is pretty religious.

I, on the other hand, have never been very spiritual, and truthfully, it's not for lack of trying.  I was brought up in the church, baptized as an infant as is custom in the Presbyterian faith.  I attended church, Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, after school church programs, and summer church camps for many years.  I was very active in my church's youth group while I was in middle and high school.  I know what Presbyterians believe and I also understand how it differs from other Christian denominations. I was confirmed into the church when I was a young teenager.

 My parents always encouraged me to be involved at church, but never forced anything on me, and I thank them for that. While I am confused about my beliefs, I'm not at all resentful that I was raised as a Christian.  In fact, I think many Christian values and ideals are very good, although unfortunately often misinterpreted and taken to extremes. As far as Christianity goes, I think the Presbyterians have got it down. Maybe I’m biased though.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that although I have been religious for most of my life, I have never really felt spiritual. I'm not really sure how much sense that makes, but I don't think that the two are one in the same (although they do often go hand in hand).  I know what it is that Christians and more specifically Presbyterians believe. The point I most identify with is this: Our salvation (justification) through Jesus is God's generous gift to us and not the result of our own accomplishments. This statement meant a lot to me while I was growing up in East Texas- smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt.  I was constantly asked "Have you been saved?", and as a young child was confused about it.  As I got older, I was taught to believe this- that I was "saved" by the grace of God alone, and not by being submersed in water and proclaiming for everyone to see just how damn much I loved Jesus.

Despite the comfort I felt learning that I was saved by the God's grace, I never really felt connected to God.  I would pray, but I felt more like I was talking to myself than anything else.  The only time I ever really felt spiritual at all, was at the summer camp I went to, Mo Ranch.  Mo Ranch is a Presbyterian conference center in the Hill Country of Texas where all sorts of conferences, camps, and events are held. I attended several conferences while I was in middle school and high school, as well as taking trips with my family.  Each time I would venture there in the summer to take a break from my every day life, I would feel connected to God in a way I never did anywhere else.  I felt as if my prayers were actually being heard. I felt connected to others as my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I felt at peace.  But back at home, as much as I would long to feel the way I did at Mo Ranch, it just wasn't there for me, whatever "it" was. 

As I started college last year at Schreiner, a Presbyterian affiliate school, I became active with campus ministry.  I attended the weekly Presbyterian Bible study/discussion group, and sometimes went to the Wednesday Inter-Denominational worship service. As the year progressed and I was increasingly unhappy at Schreiner, I attended worship and Bible study less and less, until I stopped going all together my second semester. I wasn't getting anything out of either worship or Bible study.  I felt knowledgeable theologically, but not at all spiritually connected.  I even ventured to my beloved Mo Ranch, which is very near to Schreiner, in January to be a small group leader for high school students at a weekend conference. Yet even Mo did not have its usual effect on me. 

At home this summer, I only attend church twice. Once when I first got home from school for the summer, and another time for Father's Day because my dad asked me to come.  Both of those Sundays were social occasions more than anything else. And now that I am on my own again in a new town, at a new college, I have not tried to become involved with any religious group, or attend any church service.

And this, I suppose, brings me back to where I began this rant- Philosophy.  The very first lecture in this class was on the question "Does God Exist?" In regards to this question, my professor explained, you are either a Causal Theist (you believe in God because everything must be caused by something else, and the universe and therefore the earth must've been caused by God), a Design Theist (you believe in God because the world fits together so perfectly, like a machine) or an Atheist (you don't believe in God because there are scientific and other explanations for things that used to be thought to be super natural or other worldly). 

Philosophy intrigues and frustrated me (and humans in general) because there is never definitive proof of anything- only speculation and more questions.  In reading about each of the points of view, I agreed with some aspects, but disagreed with others.  There is always a counter to an argument. In the end, I feel I can only truly identify with a forth point of view, the Agnostic.  The agnostic believes there really is no way to prove that there is or is not a God.

I know religion is not the same as philosophy, but I still feel it's all interconnected.  Is there a God? Why do so many people believe that there is based on faith, an abstract concept of believing without seeing or knowing for sure?

In my philosophy class today, the lecture and discussion was based on the topic "Can God allow innocent suffering?"  The Contradictor believes that if God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good (which is widely believed/accepted), he would not allow innocent people to suffer. The Reconciler believes that God allows suffering in order for people to build character, and that it's all part of a "bigger plan".  Personally, I don't find the Reconciler's argument at all convincing.  Innocent children starve to death, loved ones die of disease; natural disasters injure, kill, and demolish...so that people can build character? I don't think so.  Furthermore, the arguments and points being made by the obviously run-of-the-mill Christians fell so flat against my ears; I couldn't bear to count myself among them. 

And I realized really, that I'm not one of them.  I'm not even a "Sunday Christian" anymore. I don't put on my nice clothes and my happy face and try to pray, hoping that I'll connect with some form God.  I don't even pretend. I'm not sure what I believe regarding God, let alone about The Bible or Jesus. The Bible is a book. I hate it when people quote scripture at me, as if it’s law, as if these words are the absolute truth no matter what.  So where does that leave me? I hardly believe I’m going to be sent to burn in the fires of hell- I’ve never really believed hell exists. Hell, I have always believed, is a fairytale meant to scare humans into being good. Is there an afterlife?  I’m not sure, but I hope so.  If there is a God, does he love me unconditionally as I have been taught, or did he merely create the universe and let nature take its course? And did God send his son in the form of Jesus to be the savior of the world?

I guess human kind will never know the answers to these questions, as much as they claim to “know” one way or the other.  But I guess that won’t stop me, or any of us, from seeking out answers to base our beliefs on.  I just hope that I can be content with life I’m living and the wonderful people that are apart of it.  That, I think, is what’s most important.

My mind has been whirling lately, so many things happening, all of them appearing to be good, but I have to slow down. Things are moving too fast.  It's not a move until perhaps next April, so there's no real point in getting over excited until I know all my plans are going to happen. I have met this very special man, but he's recently been hurt very badly, & he needs time to recover. All I need is MONEY, & I'd have been gone months ago. But, money I don't have, so I'm suffering through these way to hot summers, trying to tell myself, it's your last year of suffocating, & you'll never need air again when you get to Colorado. April is when I'm planning on leaving,at least some time near then, so too much time I have here, but I can't change that, so I'll remain stuck, as I have been for years. At least now I have hope in wonderful changes in my life. This wonderderful new man in my life is who I'd like to live out my life (what's left of it) with. See, now I feel guilty, knowing he'll most likely be the one left behind when I die. Damn this illness. I can't change that, not a thing I can do, so as I have throughout life, I roll with the blows. I wonder if I should even be putting this man though what is surely coming down the road, but at the same time, I so wish him to be happy, with whatever time I have left. I just don't want to hurt him, that's all. He's too kind for me to want to cause him any pain. So, we're just gonna take it slow, & hope when the time comes, we're both ready for it, or I'll end up hiding under a rock, lol, not having the income to rent,not knowing if my friend would want a house with just me if that happens. See, I just hate not knowing what's gonna happen next in my life. It's already been a freaking soap opera, & I want that over. I hope a simple life isn't too much to ask,after all these years. I'm hopeful, I will never give up, the best thing that could happen now, would honestly be to lose my father, so I could just go there & buy my dream house, & not have to worry about what I could & couldn't afford. Sorry dad, told ya I'd never have a house till I lost ya, so you know that. I'm thinking at this point you'll outlive me, & I'll be a renter forever. Well, they have to let me keep Hoss, cuz honestly, I'd rather live in a cave than give him up. All I can do now is try to keep my chin up, & try to keep the dream alive, be it a cave, a small house, or a nice cabin (that one's up to you dad). Long as I'm not here anymore, everything will be ok. Love to you all, Blessed Be, QuellyQ

Okay not one of the update blogs.......I am having problems with my camera.  But I thought you would all like to know I am married to an Idiot Out Wondering Around.........aka an Iowan!!!!

I am lucky though.  My Iowan moved out of state when he graduated highschool and has lived on the East Cost and on board a Navy Ship for 10 years.  And when I married him after 3 years of my Nebraskan ass dealing with Idiots Out Wondering Around I conviniced my Iowan to get the fuck out of that State.  Iowa is only good for shopping and such in if you live near the boarders.

The incident that promoted this blog happened yesterday....late in the afternoon.  My hubby has a fucked over rebuilt dodge f250 power disel truck.  It is actually a pretty nice truck but it has some shitty ass tires on it right now until I can get them replaced.  Now we are living in Northeast NE where we have a lot of snow at the moement.  Not near as much as New York and other Eastern states but a lot.  Actually this is normal for us but we have been spoiled by nice warm winters in the past years. 

Okay now that I told you about his truck let me tell you what he has been doing since we have moved back.....my ol man has a chainsaw fetish.  He loves them!  He finds old ones and refurbishes them and gets them running again.  He is what I call an amature lumberjack.  Well since we have been back and near trees and woods that need to be thinned out and taken down due to dieses and dead growth, Randy has been in lumberjack heaven taken down trees and cutting up wood.

Randy decieded to get it into his head to drive the truck down by the various barns on the road and then power it up into our yard near the old orchard that he is cleaning up now.  Our yard is not flat but is basically a hill on all sides but one!  He has bad tires on his truck.  All I hear about when I want to use the truck for long drives is how bad the tires are.  The Idiot Out Wondering Around then does this stuipid shit and what does he do?  There is a dead tree near the garden area of the yard and he goes slidding in his truck and hits the tree on the driver's side and has the truck wedged against the tree. 

We get it unstuck after a good hour using a wench, my clothes line poles (the wench was run off of that-they are sunk in with concrete), and me driving back and forth.  Oh and a bit of kitty litter!  Once we got it off the side of the tree, I backed the dayum truck off of the snow covered hill (about 8-10 inches of snow) and got it back up to the house.

Needless to say I was livid!  The man got called everyname  in the book including Idiot Out Wondering Around and a dumb ass from Iowa!  I also made a point and pointing out how he constantly bitches about his tires and then what does he do!  Tries to take his truck up a snow covered hill and hits a tree!

The truck isn't that bad of condition.  He is lucky cause if I would have had to pay to fix his dayum driver side door it would have came out of his ass!  It has a slight dent in the driver's door and some lovely bark color scratches but can easily be fixed. 

My yard is tore up though and I am not to happy about that.  And Randy can't take the tree down yet cause he is going to have to use a tractor and some of help to make sure the top doesn't hit the house! 

Okay now you all know that I am married to an Idiot Out Wondering Around.......aka Iowan!