Willpower @ MindSay 
Oh also haven't showered in a bout a week. Since I haven't had anywhere to go or people to see I've just been loafing around. I really hate myself for this. On good days I like to wear cologne and feel fresh and clean, but that hasn't happened in about a month. I tend to go through phases of absolute grunge to fresh and clean. I haven't shave for a month now and I've got a gross mustache and neck beard. My hair is getting long too and that's not helping my appearance. I'm pretty sure that someday this week I'll have my cleaning up ceremony where I actually take a shower, clean my face, shave, wear clean clothes, and not look like a tramp.
Maybe this is all because I've been abnormally depressed lately. More so than I've ever been before. I just don't care about things anymore. I know I'm depressed, but I'm just riding it out.
I must admit, I had begun to doubt it would ever happen.
I have been faced with a situation where I have to make hard choices about whether I want to 'save' my virginity or not.
Now, I don't believe in saving sex for marriage. It's just that I sort of hold onto this idea that it is designed as an act of love - therefore, I had sort of decided that I would wait until I was in a serious relationship. I hardly go out of my way to look for casual sex, anyway, so I never really thought it would be an issue.
However, I have got a situation at the moment where there is a girl who actually wants to have sex with me. It's not that I don't like her, she's just not really my type, and I think I would regret it if my 'first time' was with someone I didn't love.
This wouldn't really be a big deal if I wasn't so goddamned wishy-washy. I've had no problem doing other stuff with her previously, and I begin to wonder where I'm actually drawing a line.
I like to pride myself on being a rationalist, and it's distinctly irrational to hold sexual intercourse up as something sanctified, while at the same time having an almost blase approach to other sexual activities. Sexual pentration is, however, fast becoming the last bastion of inexperience left for me, and as such it's the only thing I can really say I'm not willing to do just at the moment.
My main problem, I guess, is willpower. These feelings are genuine, but I wonder how strong they will be when I have this girl on the couch with me after a drink or two. Of course, this is a little pathetic - I am more in control of my destiny than anybody - if I don't want to do something that I might regret, I should take the precautions to ensure it doesn't happen. Only time will tell if I will actually end up making those precautions.
It just seems so ironic that I, so long a proponent of love being superior to sex, find myself experiencing sexual activity before I've really had the opportunity to be in love.
Ok, I need some help. I have this summer workout thing for volleyball, and I'm having trouble making myself do it. It's not that its too hard or anything, I just have no willpower or self-control. And I have plenty of time to get it done, so that's not a problem. I just suck at buckling down and doing it. And I have to do it, or I'll be really out of shape for college.
So, if anyone has any suggestions that will help me stop procrastinating and being lazy, I'm all ears. Anything that's worked for you or someone you know will do fine, no matter how harsh or painful the solution may be. At this point in the game, I deserve it. :(
Tonight, my neighbor Jocelyn came over. She sat on my couch and told me her boyfriend was next door shooting coke.
Tonight, we sat, together on my couch and we didn't get high.
Tonight we talked about all of the bad times, not all of the good ones.
Tonight we chain smoked and fidgeted and craved, and talked through it all.
Tonight we shared all of our secrets with eachother.
Tonight I looked at her, and saw myself.
Tonight I felt the need, I felt my stomach flutter and my heart speed up with want, again.
Tonight I sat through all of this, and I didn't get high.
Tonight I won.
I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes....