Why @ MindSay

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 I didn't sleep at all last night. I took 2 ambien pills and nothing. My mind plays over what I hate to believe he went through in the final seconds. Pulling his weapon out and holding it up to his head. I have to go back in work today, one because others are feeling the same thing I am feeling and two it wont do me any good staying at home. I don't know how or when to reach out to his parents but mommy says I should.

He was a good officer, a good person.

 Today, July 8 2009  at 5:50 pm a friend killed himself in his home; alone in his bathroom. John and his wife have been going through marital problems and after speaking to his father about his marriage he left advising he would return 10-20 minutes after retrieving his cell phone. He arrived home, dressed in his police uniform called 911 placed the phone on the floor and shot himself in his bathtub. He wasn't perfect, I didn't always get along with him, but he was the person willing to give his shirt off his back for another friend, stranger or victim.

I have so many questions and more than anything so many answers. Its a dark place depression and confusion. I look back and thank God everyday that I am still in the here and now. I can't cry and with that being said I can't stop crying. I have guilt and anger and want to scream and hit someone or something

The department called in a team of grief counselors and all I could hear was the teacher from Charlie Brown!
Why?

4th post tonight. Wow. I promised myself though, that this is like a journal. A way to store my thoughts, because my mind fails me and I often forget what I was thinkin' or doin' 5 minutes ago.

I was just thinkin' though... Why excatly am I alive?

I'm not sucidial, I know that. I'm a simple person, both in mind, spirit and body. So, when I thinking, I think a lot. And I was thinkin' about my life. I'm not a loud person, I'm not all THAT social. I don't have any particular skills, I like to listen to music, play games and read. So long as I have those three things in my life... I'll be happy. I don't need love (although I can get easily attached to people). I'm not that fit, I don't go out drinking, I don't go fuck someone just for the hell of it and I don't smoke. I'm just not like that. I'm a quiet person who likes to toddle along. I have a few health  issues, but nothin' I can't fix.

I've went off-topic though. I'm not why i'm alive. Am I just... there? Someone to exist in the big, bad world? Just another person to eat, sleep, work, drink then die in a little house in the country? (I'll never be able to live in the city, it's too damn LOUD.) I'm no superhero, no saviour. My mother yells at me to get off my arse. (I'd need somethin' to get up for.) I haven't found my reason for livin' yet, nor what I want to do in life. I don't strive to be popular, I don't crave the spotlight. I'm like... one of those people who prefers to stand in the shadows watching from afar. I'm almost 20, I should of by now, but I haven't. It just makes me wonder, I guess.

So I come back to one simple, yet probably one of the most complicated to any of mankind:

Why?

I had hoped it would be something really good...


...but I guess I'll settle for "not horrible like usual".

I find myself not caring anymore.

About anything.