Weight Gain @ MindSay

So...everyone keeps saying I'm losing weight. And I believe them. But I'm not trying to. We're a bit short on funds for food, but I'm managing to eat at least a few times a day. But I'm still losing weight. For no apparent fucking reason. Really starting to irritate me because I don't feel like I can do anything about it. Lance keeps giving me snickers and such, trying to up my calorie intake, but I'm not a huge sugar freak. But I am making an effort to make my meals count. Meat, french toast, fast food when I can afford it, but...fatty, weight-raising foods aren't always handy. Jake hugged me today and was like "you're feeling thinner, too." So now I have to keep an eye on my weight. If I drop below 125 (which, with my...erm...large bosom, is more like 115 on my frame), I have to go to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. However, unfortunately, I'm still (partially) on calorie-conscious mode. In the same breath that I said people are worried about the weight I'm losing, I said I hate regular soda because it's empty calories. I need need need those stupid empty calories. And yet...part of me is afraid that if I gain some of the weight back, I'll keep gaining. Stupid? Probably. Indicative of a distressed relationship with food and/or my body image? Definitely. Do I know how to change this thought pattern? Not really. I grew up in a household that was diet/health-conscious food driven. Sugar equals bad. Fried, fatty foods equal bad. All the time. No exceptions Yes, we break the rules, but then we pay for it the next day by wearing that burger and shake on our ass. These are the rules. They're hardwired, no matter how much I try to defy them.

I feel heavier than I've felt in almost a year. I only put a few pounds on, but those few pounds are so unholy. And i feel like a tard for freaking out over it, but...I really really really don't want to go back to my pre-senior-year weight. And then because we just learned about eating disorders in psych, I'm freaking out and telling myself that fearing weight-gain is a sign of an eating disorder. But that doesn't help assague the fear. I hate this. For the past...year and a half-ish, I've maintained a steady weight of 138-141 pounds. WHY have I gained an additional 4 pounds?! It's not really the four pounds that freaks me out; it's the fear that I'll keep gaining. Four pounds? Psh, I can drop that in a week. But...I can't drop it if I keep gaining. I don't think I have, but...crap! It almost makes me want to fast for the next week, but I know that starvation will only hurt me in the long-run. Maybe a vegetable fast, and then back on my limited sugar, limited carbs deal that I seem to have no problem following for most of the time. GODDAMNIT. I'm driving myself crazy. Like...way crazy.

 

Oh...p.s. I pierced my nose. Hurt worse than any of my other piercings. And were it not that the sparrow took 20 minutes as opposed to 20 seconds for the nose, I'd say that the nose hurt worse than that.

A whopping 10 vials of blood drawn in one sitting....

Thank goodness I have good veins and she found it on the first try...There was no way I was going to be able to stand her taking it in and out for every vial if she was a trainee. I met with my family doctor today and we discussed the blood tests I wanted done. It checked for a wide variety of things that may be affecting my thyroid/energy levels:

• Total Testosterone
• Bioavailable Testosterone (AKA "Free and Loosely Bound")
• Free Testosterone (if Bioavailable T is unavailable)
• DHT
• Estradiol (specify the Extraction Method, or "sensitive" assay for
males)
• LH
• FSH
• Prolactin
• Cortisol
• Thyroid Panel doing this.

* TSH
* Free T4 and Free T3
* Thyroid Antibodies (anti-TPO and TgAb.)
* Reverse T3
* Ferritin (and do stress FERRITIN, not just RBC)
* B-12
* DHEA-S

• CBC
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
• Lipid Profile

This is one of those comprehensive blood labs where they look for basically every single hormone in my blood, every single possible mineral deficiency and so on. I'm actually worried that the blood tests might come back normal, which would make me feel like it's all in my head. But I know my body well enough to know that there is definitely not something working right. Whether it's my thyroid alone or the whole endocrine system working inharmoniously . We talked a little bit about why my metabolism is so slow and he blatantly said it might be due to poor dieting, which to a certain extent I can agree. I definitely don't eat enough meals during the day, but it's because I'm usually just not hungry. I can't force myself to eat. I only burn 1900 calories a day, which is still far below the norm for the average male my age. In fact it's way below the norm for both men and women.

My theory is that since my thyroid has been out of whack for so many years, my body has simply adjusted to living off of very low energy levels and it's basically stuck in gear. I've maintained a regular body weight of 180lbs for nearly three years. Never going up and never going down. I couldn't lose or gain weight if I tried, but recently over the last 6 months I've put on more weight than I'd like to admit. I haven't changed my eating habits or my exercise level, so it makes me worry that something went out of line.

There's nothing else I can really do except try to eat a little more and try to exercise a lot more until I can get the blood work results back. That will let me know if my hormone levels and mineral levels are in balance. If somethings missing it could mean a whole lot of shit that I just don't want to know, yet at the same time I NEED to know.

Oh well, here's to one week of waiting!


Tschuess!

A year ago today I went under the knife to have two (but turned out to be three) tail-gut cysts removed from behind my sacrum.  My surgeon said these are very rare and that there are less than 1000 known cases, ooooh... Everything went very well and I got to go home the next day, even.  But the year that has followed has been very difficult for me, health-wise.

I'd already been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (August 2006) and my fatigue didn't get a lot worse, but my pain has.  Not sure if this is at all related.  One thing I really feel is related is my weight gain.  I've gain approximately 30 pounds in the last year and it all came on so easily when my food intake didn't get a lot worse.  Probably I earned a 10 pound gain, but not 30 -- and so now I am stuck, tired, aching and depressed.

So I joined Weight Watchers and my sister sent me some makeover system.  I just don't believe in eating sprouts and green tea only.  Really, I need to start moving my ass but I'm just so tired all the time.  The resolution (again) this year is to start the yoga and get well, and lose weight.

It really is a shame that I like food so much. ;)

Seriously, it's time for me to lose some weight.  I've gained nearly 30 lbs. in the last year, after surgery, some bad fibromyalgia flares and simple poor food choices.  Working around events doesn't help since there's often a lot of catering around -- and this always includes dessert.

I've never been a "diet" proponent, feeling that nothing should be off limits as long as you don't eat like that all the time.  This year it seems I am eating like that all the time.  It makes me sad when I think that my problem is too much food.

I'm thinking about this tonight because I had an industry Christmas party to attend and ate a little thinking that there would be a buffet to graze from. Wrong.  Plated dinner with salad, rolls, two entrees, potatoes, a lot of sauce and creme brulee for dessert.  A glass and a half of wine, too, let's not forget.  This is a terrible time of year to be trying to be good.  I have a small party I'm hosting on Friday, then go to Chicago for several days next week for business, including a couple of luncheons and a dinner.  If I had more energy I could exercise aerobically.  If I was four inches taller it wouldn't be an issue to begin with.

If.

So, all I can really do is be mindful and know that realistically it will be the holidays that win (sort of) but come the new year, I will get back to my cutie patootie petiteness. ;)  Ha!