Weakness @ MindSay

WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.

What You Don’t Get

You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?

Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.

Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.

If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.

You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.

Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.

I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.

I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.

Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.

I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.

Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.

Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…

I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.

They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.

---

Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009

Just tried to act like I had a high spirit today.

It was not easy. I had to forget about all my problems.

I think the other people really believe I'm fine.

I am not.

Already one little thought about him, about us,

brings me to tears.

And I have to think about it so often.

It hurts. It really does.

 

The thought of him dating another girl kills me.

Although it was my decision to quit the relationship.

I do not know why it hurts so much,

why I cannot stand those terrible thoughts...

 

For some reason I couldn't go on with him

but without him, nothing got better.

 

It is terrible to know that I have left someone great.

Someone lovely, beautiful, faithful, intelligent.

Someone, I probably will never find again.

And Someone, of whom I never would have thought

that he might could be interesteted in me.

 

And nevertheless, I had to leave him and something

tells me that it has to be like that.

I hate it.

I was happy with him.

I'd like to be happy again, with him, he was my angel.

 

I cannot stand the thought of him, caring for someone new.

I mean, I don't know what happens with me.

But he was with me. And we did all the nice little things together.

And now?

I am lonely.

I begins to hurt really, I mean, even physically.

 

But when my decision was right,

WHY??? DAMN, WHY? am I so unhappy?

Why do I think of him so often and why does it hurt

to think of him and another girl?

 

In 3 days I will be 18 years old.

I hate it. Some people asked if I would have a party.

 

A Party??? Why should I have a party?

Celebrating that this miserie now lasts for 18 years?

Celebrate that I make people unhappy, make myself unhappy?

 

I don't have the impression that I am a usual youth.

Why seem the people around me just to get along with their lifes?

Sure, they also have problems, but they can handle them.

They don't tortuere themselfs so much, I don't know how they do it.

 

My head always is full of thoguhts, sorrows, fear.

It was always like that.

No matter how the situation is, I am afraid.

Afraid of beeing left alone. Of making mistakes.

Afraid of the whole world, most of all probably of myself.

 

My< parents tell me its not easy to handle me.

It often would not be fine to be wiht me.

It hurts hearing them saying things like that.

 

I know I am terribly complicated,

but this makes my impression stronger that,

I am a little unsociable bad girl, that on the

other hand has got high requirements, absolutely detached ones really.

Or why the hell had I to leave my wonderful boyfriend?

Do I still want more? MORE THAN THAT?

I hate myself.

 

I am a fucked up person, and want people around me

to be perfect or even more than that?

What is going on with me???

What is going WRONG might be the right question.

 

If I had at least one wish, I want god to make this go away.

I want him to make me able to apreaciate things I have and

persons in my life.

And although it's might egoistic, I want to stop the fact that

I am so often so extremely desperate and unhappy.

But how?

I don't know.

 

My biggest wish would really be, to be happy again,

to get the chance to apreciate it this time.

I was thankful a few times when I was really happy,

But there are always these fears and sorrows,

that avoided that these moments could last.

 

I hurt a lot of people in the past, and I still do.

I want to be happy again to let people take part in it.

To make people happy. To let them know that they're great,

to let them know I love them.

 

I want to love again.

It feels so cold without love.

Love is missing.

Want it to come back.

 

If there's a god, I would like to ask him,

if he might help me.

 

I know that there also have to be bad times.

You learn from them and you get stronger.

But there were too many of them in my life.

For real, there was only one good, and it seems

to be over right now.

 

I want to thank for this time.

But I always want to ask for some strength.

I am not strong at all.

I am probably the weakest person in the world.

 

I like to be strong.

Want to make people happy who deserve it, instead of hurting them.

 

Help me, god.

 

Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a naturally passive person.

In my childhood and early teenhood, I would stay silent and not say a word as my peers sometimes bullied me. In a couple of cases I can remember, I even contributed to it by helping them set myself up for ridicule, even though I knew what they were doing, simply because they told me to. I don't think I would've gotten bullied any more than any other person gets when at school, except that I never stood up for myself, not once. This is NOT a good characteristic for a person to have. I had low self-esteem, I guess, which was both the cause and the symptom of my behaviour. I didn't even realise I had low self-esteem at the time as I didn't feel sorry for myself but just accepted it as my due. I didn't even realise that I was unhappy until my circumstances changed, didn't really begin to realise that there is a way that a person should be treated by their peers, until I was around peers that did treat me with respect, and I realised how good it felt. Before that, though, my passivity encouraged the others to treat me the way they did. I don't blame them or bear them any ill-will, because I enforced the situation myself. When I think of my early schoolyears, I see it as self-inflicted. My schoolmates at that school were no more cruel than kids that age at any other school, in fact they were probably better than many. They were mostly good kids, but I made myself a target. They were young and still learning how to live and behave in the world themselves. I was called gullible, but I really don't think I was that gullible. When my schoolmates lied to me, I knew they were lying, but I went along with the lies even though it ultimately lead to my humiliation. When my best friend promised to God, crossed her heart and hoped to die that she would not tell my secret this time, even though she had told my secrets the other hundred times previously, I knew that she would probably tell the whole school the next morning even though I really didn't want the school to know which boy I liked, but I told her anyway. Why did I act in this way? Maybe I was insane. Maybe I had trouble understanding reality. Maybe I was an incredibally slow learner. Maybe I was incredibally weak-willed. Maybe I just did what I thought people expected of me.

In year nine I moved to a different school, and I wouldn't say that my schoolmates at my new school were better people who were any more loving or kind or mature than those at my old school, but simply that they didn't know how I was since I was five years old, I didn't have that history with them, and so they treated me with the respect that they treated each other, I hadn't taught them to treat me less than that as I had with those at my previous school. And I think I learned something from that change of scenery, having escaped that situation I was able to look at it objectively, I learned something about who I was and who I used to be, and without everyone having preconceived notions on who I was and how to treat me, I was able to become a new person. I learned how to relate to others, how to act in a way that ensured others would respect me as a person, and I grew from there.

Having been made conciously aware of this flaw by looking at myself objectively, I was then able to change my behaviour. I am not an assertive person but being aware of my natural tendancy to be passive, I am able to work against that natural tendency if I feel I need to. It is very hard work, though.

For example, if you were to ask me what the bravest thing I had ever done was, it was NOT when I jumped out of an aeroplane in January. It might be the time when a friend of mine started putting me in a very awkward situation that was not tolerable to me. She would invite me to spend time with her, as a friend, only for it to turn out that what she wanted to do was visit a boy behind her mother's back, and the only reason she invited me along is that when her mother asked me what we got up to, I would say something different. Therefore I was forced to either lie to my friend's mother, which compromised the high standards of honesty with which I try to live up to, or betray my friend, which compromised the high standards of loyalty with which I tried to live up to, and would also put me in the middle of a family quarrel, which would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. On top of that, being dragged along to these dates under false pretenses was not fun for me.

And so I confronted my friend about it, but it was, for me, one of the hardest things I had ever been forced to do. My throat was tight and my heart was rattling and I was probably shivering, but I told her that this was unacceptable to me. She asked, "What if I do it again?" or something like that, and I told her, the next time she invites me to spend time with her, I will go, but the next time she forces me to lie to her mother, then I would not spend time with her the time after that and our friendship would be ended. And I was terrified that I would never see her again as a friend, even as I knew that I would live up to my threat.

It turned out that she valued my friendship more than she valued a convenient alibi, because she never did that again.

I remember that moment because it is the moment when I proved to myself that I am capable of standing up to myself when I need to be. Maybe some of you will think that confronting this friend would not be hard for them, and I admire people who can confront people so easily, but for me, it was very hard. Others might think I am too soft on this friend, that I should not have given her the second chance, but that brings me to my next point, which is the point that all of this has been leading up to.

Because of my experiences of my early school, and because of my inherent nature, there are certain behaviours that I find easy that others do not. I have been told I am very patient and tolerant of others, maybe too tolerant, in that I can bear being treated in ways that other people would not tolerate. Indeed, I used to be too tolerant in my earlier days, but these days I have learned how to be tolerant without compromising my self-worth. When a person is rude to me, I will bear it. When a person is being selfish, I can be selfless. I do not take offense easily. These things are easy to me and so I allow myself to be these things. This might sound like bragging, but if it is bragging than I am bragging about my weakness, because I learned these from my ridiculous passivity when  I was younger. I also acknowledge God's hand in who I am today.

On the other hand, there are things that don't come easily to me. Confrontation, for example, is impossibly hard. I used to be ridiculously shy when I was younger, so that a person would ask me what my name was and I would just stand there, terrified to say anything to them at all, and people thought that I was mute. That is one area I have made incredible progress with. These are the things I need to work on, but having recognised these things in myself, I am able to work on them and continue to strive for self-improvement.

So if you are passive, like me, be patient and gentle and accepting and kind and tolerant, because those things will come easy for you, but at the same time, in recognising your passivity, you will be able to work for self-improvement and teach yourself to be assertive when you need to be, and as you practice and improve in those areas, you will be a good friend to people that they can rely on.

If your character flaw is aggression, recognise that aggression and temper it, and turn that aggressive energy into a passion for a good cause. Be a strong leader for others to stand themselves against, because those things will come easy for you. And at the same time, in recognising that aggression, you will be able to temper it, practice holding it back, that would come hard for you because it will be against your nature but in practicing it, and working for self-improvement, you will be tempered and grow in wisdom.

If you are someone who is always arguing, then enter into dialogue with people and challenge them and make them think, but, being aware of your nature, you will be able to teach yourself to listen and learn and you will be someone who inspires.

Every person is different, every person has their own challenges in life, their own unique strengths and weaknesses. So practice looking at yourself objectively. It is impossible to look at oneself completely objectively, but if you practice it and try, and don't let your view of yourself be clouded by pride or vanity or self-pity etc., then you will be more enabled to recognise your weaknesses, and in recognising them, you will be able to work towards self-improvement, and turn your weaknesses into strength.

This is not something I have mastered. I have NOT succeeded in turning all my weaknesses into strengths, and I doubt I ever will. But I hope to be in a continual attempt of self-improvement, and through prayer and reading the bible and challenging myself and learning from others, I hope I strive closer towards my impossible goal.

---

Wow. I have no idea where that speech came from. It's about 2:30am in the morning and I am a bit sleep deprived and I have work tomorrow. I suspect I will look at this tomorrow and find it complete nonsense. If I can even be bothered reading through it all tomorrow.

Well, I should've gone to bed ages ago. But it is very hot. Goodnight.