Watchers @ MindSay 
weight
Saturday night, Michael (my brother) and I talked about him going away to college next year. He's really into films and film making. He's looking at one school in Florida, FullSail University. There are a bunch of other colleges that he's looking into as well. I told him that I wish I was more like him, in the sense that he actually knows what he wants to do. He told me I should go into film too, that there are so many different avenues. I've really enjoyed all these communication classes that I've been taking, so what could I do with that in film, right? Well, I could be a casting director. Haha. I mean, I've been helping Michael out with the movie so far. So who knows? It's funny though, Michael wants to get into the film industry, and Brandon (my boyfriend) wants to become a writer, more along the lines of a script writer. So, it kind of makes sense to put me into that industry, to make a stronger bond, right? Well, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. It's nice to day dream about Michael, Brandon, and myself all going down to Florida to Fullsail and become thrown into that industry, but it seems impossible, at least for me...I think. Then again, maybe I just have to do some more research into. Anyone have any suggestions for a communication major?
Sunday was really, really fun, minus my contact dilemma. I picked up Brandon Sunday afternoon and went back to my house to film. Mike, Steve, and Lauren were already there when Brandon and I got back. Sure, there were some annoyances of the day, like when Lauren spilled candlewax on her and her ditziness, but whatever. Steve and I enjoyed laughing at her.
While Michael was filming Brandon, Mike, and Lauren outside, Steve and I stayed inside talking. It was really nice to vent to him. We have a lot more in common than I thought, which is nice. It's nice to have someone see things from your point of view. He even agreed with me that Lauren is too flirty. That made my day. He also forwarned me that Lauren wanted to ride with Brandon when we went sleigh riding. PSH. After they were done filming in the snow we all went outside and went sleigh riding. I'm pretty sure I made it clear in front of Lauren that Brandon would only go with me. I mean, you have to sit real close when you go on a sled. GRRR. Haha, oh well. So, I haven't gone sleigh riding since I was MAYBE 14? Almost 6 years. It felt exhilarating! I have to admit, I'm pretty sore from hurling myself of the tube before I hit the tree. At least I was lucky enough to get off before hitting the tree. Poor Steve, he went completely UNDER the tree! It was theeeee funniest thing of the day, most definitely. I fell on the ground laughing so hard! Oh, and my eskimoness was pretty funny too. But that day, it was definitely fun.
After realizing how out of shape I am, I've decided to go back to weight watchers, and try my best to lose the weight I gained back over winter. I also convinced my mom to go with me, which will be a nice bonding experience. I'm really looking forward to having some motivation to get healthy again. The meeting is tonight, hopefully some of the ladies I met before will still be there.
I think I am officially out of my funk. At least, I hope so anyway. I've been in a funk for over a month. I'm finally feeling productive and happy. It feels really good. I just hope it lasts for a while, along with everyone else around me I'm sure...haha.
Well, I hope everyone else out there is doing well....
That's it for now.
Okay, time to get real. I weigh 308lbs. 308lbs!!! How did I get this high? Well the answer is pretty obvious but why I didn't do anything about it yet remains a mystery. I have always been unhappy being overweight. I have always been extremely obese and never once since my teens have I accepted myself or said I am happy like this,
Some people truly don't care that they are overweight. They make the most of life and don't worry about every little thing. But I do. How many stairs are there to climb? Will I fit in that chair? Will the seatbelt fit etc etc. I complained my way to 300 lbs. Telling my husband over and over how unhappy I am with my weight and how it limits me in what I do. Well I say either do nothing about it and accept yourself the way you are but then don't complain about all the little things or do something about it.
So today I am starting the WW points plan. Thing is I don't even think I can succeeed. I am sabotaging my efforts already and it is only 8am! My goal is to get through today and be on program points wise.
I really am my worst enemy. I am doing it to myself. I have an incredibly supportive husband who would help me as much as he can but it's ME who just isn't doing it. It's me who wants to eat the cookies and bite in that chocolate cake. Or feel the ice cream melting on my mouth. It's me who doesn't want to give up the food I love. I'm addicted...completely addicted to food. But it's also me who wants to get pregnant and be able to do things with my child. Me who wants to do normal things and stop being held back by my weight.
I know WW uses the saying *Nothing tastes as good as thin feels*. I have a hard time believing that! My outlook needs to change. I need to work on that. I need to work on being more positive. I need to make choices...good ones, soon or I can kiss my life goodbye.
So I found someone to move in, well actually it’s a married couple and two kids with a 5th on the way. I know them so its cool, but now I am regretting it. I really like having my own house and its decorated the way I like it and I don’t like kids and these kids are so bratty! I don’t know what I should do. I cant tell them I don’t want them to move in that would be so mean, but it is never going to be quiet and AHHHHHHH I am so worried now. I mean I know this is not going to be forever but still. I guess it will really be helping them out but still. I guess I was really nervous when Brandon moved in and it turned out okay- well for the most part. Now I just have to tell my grandparents to come and get there stuff out of there room.
Yeah so a while ago I met this guy on line and we really hit it off- and we talked for a while and he seemed really interested and we were even talking about meeting- well I met him on one of those dating sites- well out of the blue he says that he thinks we should just stop talking. No explanation, nothing. So I was cool with it but when I tried to get my info off the site it wouldn’t let me, so I changed all my information and email address to one I use hardly ever. Well I checked the email today and guess who was asking about the alter ego I had set up- none other than idiot boy! I wonder if he can tell if was me or not. I keep thinking about messing with him or should I just leave it alone.
I really like My Chemical Romance- good shit! I didn’t think I was going to but they rock. I am so tired today, my eye was-well is twitching and now the other one is. I am one of those people that have to have at least 8 hours of sleep to normal- right now I feel like I am having an out of body experience- I have risen above myself and I am watching my self at my desk typing away- I think what is she doing with her life? Does she know that there are so many more things out there for you?!?! Do you want to go to college? Are you satisfied with where you life is going?? She can’t hear me, she just sits there typing listing to her headphones- trying to look like she is working. Do you feel content with how hard you push yourself each day?
I have been listening to these Nelly Furtado songs and in one of them there are the lyrics
Com uma forca com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
I wonder what she is saying here- I wish I could speak a second language. I only speak English and bad English. Well I go to weigh in at weight watchers today, maybe I will loose weight (I sure as hell hope I lost)
Peace out-Ashlin
Today Giovanni had a real tear. Sure it was in the wild throws of a crying fit outside of my mom's house - but that little tear surprised me! He is holding his head up for a long time, like a little champ AND this morning he gave me 2 smiles. TWO! And they weren't the twitchy half asleep kind either. They were real ones.
I'm printing out invitiations for his Christening tonight and I'll make out envelopes later upstairs if I get a chance.
Everyone in my house is on Weight Watchers and we are all counting points. As a nursing mom I get 10 more points than I normally would - 38 points every day! I've lost 4 lbs so far.
Oh, and we got to go to the movies the other night. Jasper and I went to see Batman. We loved it - HE insists that it was the best movie of the summer so far. Jasper still thinks Michael Keaton is the best Batman, but I think I might like Christian Bale better. Overall review? A must see.