Wasting Time @ MindSay 
time wasting
For a change of pace, I'm going out to see a movie around 2:30. I think we (my dad and I) might go see the Dark Knight. I'm anxious to see how Heath Ledger performed. I've heard a lot of great reviews about it and some shitty reviews, too. It'll just be a change of pace - something new to do. I haven't been to a movie in awhile... well, unless you count Death Note, but that situation seemed a bit different.
I'm a bit out of shape, so I've been walking around the block for 30 minutes every day. My mom says my hard work is starting to show. I don't have that much weight to lose, but it seems like a lot. The hardest part is trying to avoid the sweets. I'm also trying to learn to just feel good about myself and feel good about who I am. It's hard for me because I have a shitty self-esteem, but I think once I get into better shape, I might not feel so self-conscious.
Kinda sorta not really doing my homework. But I'm totally thinking about it! I did my math and spanish (mostly) before I left, and now I only have american government, honors english, global issues, and chemistry left...
I'm pretty much avoiding it right now. It's a pretty big pile and I don't know where to start. I tried at the top, but that wasn't a lot of fun.
After being out of Sitka and hanging out at colleges and with college-type people, I do NOT want to go back to high school. It makes sense that I have to go to graduate, but I wish that I could just graduate and go on to college RIGHT NOW!!! I feel so ready to go.
Bleh.
Track: "This Heart's on Fire"---Wolf Parade
Also, my internet connection is too slow to stream episodes of "Arrested Development" so I don't have any background diologue to work to. ALSO, Videl didn't have a copy of the movie I wanted to watch tonight.
I'm sorry he feels like he's wasting his time. I know he said he was joking...but I just got that feeling, you know? It just cuts me deeply, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I hate cyring over stupid things that don't really matter.
I mean, he doesn't have to be an asshole all the time, does he? Not that he's an asshole to me. He's not. He's really sweet to me. But he'll almost just ignore me when we're around people. I guess I understand why he says he's doing it, but still. What the fuck? And what is it with his shitty comments about Celeste all the time? I know she's not the coolest person in the world, but he doesn't have to be so rude every time she walks into a room.
And why the hell did he start smoking again? It's nasty, and I hate it. He knows it bothers me, too. That just pisses me off even more. He asked me if it would bother me, and I told him it would. But he started up again, anyway. And what is it with those fucking sleeping pills? God, why are there so many things that he does that bothers me? Why do I even stay around? Why am I still sleeping with him? Why am I such a dumbfuck? Why can't I ever have a relationship go right? Hell, this isn't even a real realtionship. Not officially. He was right. He did hurt me. And he's still hurting me. And I'm letting him. I'm helping him. I'm so fucked up.
Am I wasting my time?
Am I wasting his time?
Am I just "another woman to bone"? God, I feel like it. What the fuck made me think this could actually work? Why the fuck would I think anyone would actually want to be with me? How the fuck did I let myself think that everything would be the way I wanted it to be? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?
And why the hell am I sitting here crying over him? There's not even anything for me to cry over!
And once again, I've realized that I haven't really eaten in over a week. That's usually one of the many signs that I've fucked up again.
But this is a big fuck up that I can't take back.
I'm just so scared I'm going to end up alone, with everyone I love hating me, leaving me. I'm going to be abandoned by everyone. Like it's been my entire life. Fuck it all.
"its so nice to breathe, and i wake up knowing that i am free"
i wrote that little intro line the other day..believe it or not, i used to write music...i wasnt very good, but i love words so sitting down to write a couple lines was always a rejuvinating activity. i would write the words first, and then i would write the piano music to go along...
lol, like i said, i wasnt very good..but it was fun...and so i think i might try it again now that i seem to have some extra time on my hands..i love time. time is like the greatest and scarriest blessing we could ever be given..if we do nothing with our time then we are wasting something that is more important than the food on our tables! if we spend our time wisely then the greatest blessings will come out of our efforts, but if we choose to do nothing valuable with our time then it is like letting millions of children starve to death when we have loads and loads of food waiting to be served!
good ol'time. it is our friend; it is our enemy.
its strange, you know...time in general is a very interesting thought. no one can really descibe it, and no one can tame it. no one can hold it back, and no one can push it forward. its like that old song "time just marches on" and on and on and on...
enought of this time theory. i think im off to a nap now.
good luck, God bless, and Godspeed!
let's be doers and not watchers only...do something wise today and you will be called wise tomorrow:-)
~Bethany~
The more I look around I find, the more I have to fear
Where do we go
Where do we go
Where do we go from here?
On the Eighth of May in the Year of Our Lord Two-thousand and Seven, I have become a former machinist...
The entire episode, the tiny fragment of my long life reminds me of a Dali painting where everything seems to be familiar and yet something is not quite right, something that should be something tangible is not. In some ways, it all seemed like it should be, and yet there was this feeling that all the universe had somehow gone wrong...
On the day before, the Seventh of May, I was given the day off with pay to write a letter stating my intentions, how I can be the model employee, and my plans for the future. Being I was paid for an entire day, I decided to give them a good honest Five hours of my valuable time, and I wrote. Yes, I wrote all that was required of me and some of my individual ideas of what should be included. And I wrote...
By the end of my little journey chronicling my Thirteen year career - my hopes, dreams, desires, and how intended to make them happen. By the time I had rewritten and edited the work for which I was paid, my word ended just a bit short of Seventeen hundred words. My bad, but given the short notice, it was quite acceptable from my standpoint...
I printed Three copies, one for each of the members of management who would be joining me. I dressed in my best suit. I arrived Fifteen minutes early, and I waited for the others to arrive...
After all Three were seated and pleasantries dispensed with, I was asked, in the interest of saving time, what was stated in the Six pages of double spaced text (APA format for the anally curious). I did as instructed. And then...
And then, I was asked if I would like a lay-off with a severance package as well. [PLEASE NOTE: the severance deal fell through, but I not surprised by this fact] Huh? A what with a what? It was as if someone had taken a large metallic object and bounced it off the side of my cranium, repeatedly in a short period of time...
It took me a while to let the concept actually work its way into a part of my brain tat actually understood the words that were used...
It also took me a short time more to comprehend the idea that I was not being fired - not fired, interesting...
And now my time wasting time having the to write my Blog is done...
And so begins another chapter in the story of my life and another new and exciting schedule to adjust to...
hhhmmm, to sleep when it's dark, this is going to take some getting used to...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
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