Waste @ MindSay

I think I have a serious problem with motivation. I don't even really have the motivation to write this post...

I think I also have a sleep problem. I can go fine for days without out it, but at the same time I could sleep for hours and hours.

I wake up around 9-11h and I won't be tired, but I'll still just lie in bed and go back to sleep. I can sleep all day, as I often do. Or just lie in bed for hours, doing nothing.

I don't want to waste the day in bed, but I just can't seem to get out. I have homework and lots of things I should be doing, but instead I sleep or just lay around. It makes me feel so pathetic, but I don't know how to stop.

I try to force myself to get out of bed, think of all the things ( and often things I enjoy) I have to do, but still I stay in bed.

I think I should see my doctor about this... it's just confusing. I also have a wierd sleeping pattern that I stay up til 5... and I can get up at whatever time and not be tired, no matter how much sleep I get.

Argh. It's so annoying because I hate wasting time, especially when I have so much to do, like right now! X.x

The country I live in, the country I was born in, the country I love and keep coming back to, is a lie.

 

We have billboards up all over the place: "Keep our country green and pristine!" "This is our land! Keep it Clean!" Great words, good show. We have those fancy enviriomental acts and agencies and private companies and charities, all aimed at making a 'greener' world. The vast majority of citizens here believe in this and commend these wonderful people for what they're doing. But don't recycle or limit themselves.

 

We have protests and riots all the time of the economical situation and trials. People running their mouths about how the government isn't giving them enough money. Government officials put forward bills that might cost us a little in the short term but could really help. And our people praise them! But don't give any money.

 

We have parenting groups running around screaming about the number of children born out of wedlock never knowing who their father is. Complaining how they don't have money for school supplies and the like. But don't stop popping out the babies.

 

And its not just here. I've lived in the States. We are a Bare Minimum society. We blame our government but rarely do our parts. Its almost like we all believe, for ourselves, that the 'great' idea to try to conserve fuel, reuse what we can and recycle is all for someone else to do. For the government to do. But if the government did try to limit our gas or whatever, we'd have hissy fits. If the government doesn't do that and we all fall further into the economic hole and waste our natural resources, its the government's fault.

 

Its a two-way street people.  And in countries as large as the US, its more like a highway.

Getting the sales papers every week, I get to see all the junk papers along with the one that I actually use on a regular basis. Out of about 10 papers, one of which is the one page furniture catalog that all of them are wrapped in, I only use ONE. All that wasted paper! If I figured out the way that this girl online made newspaper into yarn, I would do it so that I wouldn't feel so badly about throwing all those papers out. I have seen some of the projects she made with the paper-yarn and the pieces are gorgeous. They are functional and wear well, too. I wish I could unlock the secret to this technique.

...

Last Wednesday the local APS worker and a nurse dumped over $400.00 of seafood out of my fridge that had been left to rot (by them) for two weeks.

4 lobsters (arrived live, they were going to let them die and rot in my living room)
18 female blue crabs (also arrived live, facing the same fate as the lobsters)
4 fresh (large, beautiful) rainbow trout
1 tuna steak
1 halibut fillet
1 gallon fresh shucked Atlantic oysters (that! cost me $120.00)

The FedEx overnight air shipping probably cost me as much as the seafood. FedEx doesn't care; its the same price based on the size of box. So I bought four months worth of protein.

Social Services says I need an aide to assist with meal prep. The aide apparently decided she wasn't going to deal with seafood, came up with a ridiculous excuse, and disappeared. Adult Protective Services, said "Oh gee, you're on your own with seafood. Make sure you find something to eat."

They let it rot. I didn't get to make my Cajun gumbo, I didn't get to eat the tomalley from the lobsters, or make the seafood stock that I really need. They left it to rot, and then they threw it out. And they tell me its my problem.

Now they tell me to eat ... find something "simple" until you are willing to let an aide (or anyone) back into your house (to do the same thing again).

The seafood was simple. The Asian soups I'm now trying to order the ingredients for are not so simple, and I'm sure the aide will refuse to prepare any of that either. Especially when they figure out what goes into the broth of Vietnamese Pho. If they couldn't handle fresh seafood and fish, they sure won't be willing to face that.

I'm angry. I'm essentially being told to go eat a "burger and fries" or whatever crap these people typically shove in their faces.

In my opinion, what a person eats is their business. If they handle a burger or red meat better, they should eat it. I have a daughter and her dad who can't survive without red meat. At 4 years old my child would stand at the meat counter and drool over the steaks. It's what they need.

But I never destroyed their food. In fact, 10 years after the divorce my ex- was still at my house 3 times a week to eat my cooking.

And I'm being told I can't eat what I need right now, especially the things that have the mineral and nutrient content that my brain needs to function. Instead I'm being told they will bring in a nutritionist to teach me what to eat.

I finally reached my friend (also next of kin, etc.) in Texas. The first thing she said when she heard that was "it's outragous!" because I probably know at least as much as or more than most nutritionists. I've been dealing with this for over 20 years; I did it well.

The only reason I'm having problems right now is because first a nursing home tried to starve me, then aides from the other agency, and now these people. There is no common sense.

And today is Day 22 of no food intake and they say its my fault because I'm being uncooperative.

I emailed the APS worker last night and told him bluntly and graphically that they are trying to kill me and they are succeeding, if nothing else by pushing me to the point I won't deal with it anymore.

What happened to common sense. Or is it just a bunch of stupid social services people on a power trip or something. And since when do I have to let people into my home when it is made clear to me that if they do any more damage or cause any more financial losses ... "Well, that's your problem."

I do not get it, and I really wish I could go back to sleep right now.

And today is Chinese New Year ... which I was supposed to be celebrating (they think that's stupid here too, but I'm expected to put up with the Christian holidays without complaint). I didn't get my gumbo last month, I won't be getting my dim sum, and I figure none of this will be resolved for weeks yet ... if then. The resolution may be that they just "dump me off the program" which I don't really see matters because they haven't done much of anything anyway. I haven't even gotten my mail for three weeks again now. I won't mention other things that never got done and will probably never be done. Go figure.

aeschylus

I've just realized that it has been much longer than what I though since I posted!

 

What have I been doing? I don’t even know… there was a busy week just before the Xmas break… then there was Xmas, then there was New Year’s Eve… And I’m here, today, sitting at my desk, supposed to be working to prepare my lessons for the coming week, and grading papers….

What kind of a break was that?

I’ve felt busy all along, and it feels like I did nothing at all… How strange!

 

Xmas was ok, spent the eve at Dad’s, and spent Xmas here, relaxing and doing nothing special. We ate a raclette though! I got a Bread Machine, which is really cool :d and a very comfortable desk chair, on which I’m sitting right now. And the Nirvana Unplugged DVD.

 

New Years Eve was fine too, the food was good, and the house has been reasonably clean since then…

 

The end of the week was really strange… working a lot and getting nothing accomplished, or almost nothing… going to bed far too late and sleeping in far too long… not going jogging enough and feeling tired.

 

I hate that feeling to have wasted the precious 2-week time I had … hopefully, that feeling will vanish...