“I should be so excited
To be out in the world, to be free
I should be so excited
Oh what is the matter with me…?”
--The Sound of Music
People keep asking me if I’m getting excited yet. Or saying things like, “I bet you’re SO excited!” When I try to tell them how I really feel, they look at me like there is something wrong with me. They tell me I should be grateful for this. That this is what I worked for, this is what I wanted. Why can’t I just be happy? These exchanges have happened with such frequency that I’m starting to wonder (only halfway seriously) if there might be something wrong with me.
I am disturbed. I cannot explain how I feel. As a writer, a compulsive journaler, this is infinitely distressing. I am agitated. Afraid. I feel like I’m not ready for this. I can’t write. I begin and I just trail off…. I can’t think, or concentrate. Everything seems to annoy me or bring me to tears. I’m constantly frustrated, and lack patience. No energy. So freaked out. I can’t explain my feelings right now. I feel curiously ambivalent about this trip. I should be beside myself with joy. I in no way mean to imply that I am ungrateful—or that I am unhappy or that I do not want to go. This is what I have dreamed about, worked hard and sacrificed so much for. Of course I want this—more than anything. I think I am so nervous that I’m in a kind of shock. I’ve been incredibly stressed out. My shoulders are in knots, I’ve been irritable and short tempered. Moody. I'm SO afraid--what if I fail?
No matter what is undertaken, no matter what great things are accomplished, there will be some small part in every venture that can be perceived as failure. I’ve been accused of being a negative person. This comment always bothers me. But, I have to admit to myself, that sometimes it has some truth. Usually it is not that I am sure some negative thing will happen—but that I can’t seem to conquer my fear of it happening. Or, even more often, I am far too hard on myself for minute acts that I feel I messed up on. It is all too common for me to say things like: “Yes, I did this great thing but….” And to list all of the things which mar the utter perfection of my accomplishment. Why can’t I just be happy for the things that are--and not dwell on what isn’t? I’m not stupid. I do know that nothing is ever perfect—but I don’t want to leave any excuse for people to complain or pick at me. I sometimes take things too hard, and each time my imperfections are pointed out it feels like an accusation. What I am talking about here is fear.
I have to say that my number one fear is fear of failure. I have a complex about “doing something wrong.” I know that, living in India, I can’t help but do all kinds of things “wrong” everyday. How will I get over this? Of course, that is one of the reasons that I am doing it. One of the things I am going to India FOR. I have a number of these sorts of goals. I’m hoping to raise my self-esteem, become more self-sufficient, and conquer fear. What was it that Edison said about discovering umpteen ways how NOT to make a light bulb?
Why the tendency to be negative? It is purely an expression of my fears. Perhaps it has to do with too many times sailing off proudly with high hopes only to…. Actually, I cannot actually say that I have ever really failed. In reality, it is only that I have met the unexpected and delt with it with varying degrees of deftness. Some things I didn’t want to change have insisted on changing—and some things I wanted to change remained stubbornly the same. I’m afraid of going through the dashed hopes again, I guess. Yet every dashed hope has put me on a path that ultimately led to a new dream. The one constant in our universe--change--is not to be feared. Reguardless of how I feel, reguardless of errant emotions skittering around inside, I'm trying to quiet my mind and perform all of my actions as though I were going with no expectations, opening myself to the experience, nervous but calm, etc etc. If I put my body and thoughts in the proper groove, hopefully my heart and mind will follow.
love
