Want @ MindSay

I need a fucking drink.

Recently we have heard that Iran has been doing uranium enrichment again and we were told about a nuclear facility in QOM.  We have heard many people refer to Iran’s President Ahmadinejad as a cowboy.  Well, in light of the recent findings it seems appropriate to honor this occasion with a blast from the past (courtesy of slim pickens).

We hope that the U.S. handles this situation well and treats it like the serious matter that it is. We really see this WMD threat as a serious challenge to World peace.  We also hope that the intelligence information is inaccurate and that Iran truly is just investigating nuclear power.  It’s definitely a serious issue that impacts our national security and the security of the world.

You can check out jobs with the department of homeland security here.

I find it oddly amusing, yet confusing, how somebody says, “You just don’t understand” but it seems that they never speak it from the heart. Somebody can only say words like that to such an extent before they can’t say it anymore before it eventually grows false and then everything washes away and they can start away.

It’s only those who are lost themselves that can say, “You just don’t get it. You don’t know how I’m feeling.”
I say that because most of the time, I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m sad, and somebody typically asks why, I can’t snap to an answer. I can’t even think of an answer, except “I don’t really know.”

There are too many factors that could have lead up to my brutal mood swings, which have calmed down, but are still active. It could’ve been the loss of my obsession, addiction, love, care, and time that I had to leave behind the beginning of this year. It hasn’t been the same without them. I have a strong feeling in my gut that that could be why. I say “I’m over that”, and mean it at the moment. But in my heart I don’t really know if I’m speaking the sincere truth. Despite the fact that the thing I treasured for so long, for nearly three years, has been brutally awful for me – I still think. Despite the fact that I know if I go back, I’ll be damaged with scars that won’t heal, I know at least I’ll be able to feel the fake care and love that I was once treated with. That I once felt, despite the fact that it wasn’t true.

I long for something. I’m desperate for the feelings that are yet to return. That’s one of the main things I want. I want to feel safe in somebody’s arms, but they won’t come to embrace me and my tear-stained face.

Recently, I purposely trained myself not to feel. I was sick of feeling. Whenever I felt guilt or shame swamp me whenever I knew I did something wrong, I brushed it off – and eventually it stopped. Whenever somebody insulted me, I told myself over and over that it doesn’t hurt. No harm has been afflicted. And so it was. But unfortunately, it’s the same case with falling in love. I can’t even do that anymore. The only things that I ever can feel anymore are happiness, anger, and sadness. There’s no excitement, fear, or infatuation. Just happiness and sadness. I trained myself not to feel anything else, and, thanks to that, my heart is so used to that that I cannot get it back to the way it was beforehand.

And yet people still praise me. They tell me how much of a great person I am. I didn’t save the day. I never magically healed somebody. I never helped somebody who was in great need. I don’t get where they get the “great” from. Or the “inspiring”. I’m not in any way special than your next person, unless you want to count the special that means “I ride the short bus with a stick person on wheels slapped on it”.

I want to love again. I want this anger taken away. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Not die - just fall into a sleep which means I don’t have to face my reality for another day. I want to live in my own dreams. I want to be standing there, in my own dreams, feeling the sweet bliss that rarely ever seems to visit me. I want to love and be loved. I want to stay happy without being haunted by the emotional scars that will never seem to heal. I don’t want to feel angry or hostile whenever somebody confronts me about something. Anything.

All I want to be is back to who I was before… At a time where I could feel, at a time where I was happy, at a time where I felt loved, at a time where I did feel accepted, at a time where I could smile without forcing it, at a time where I didn’t cry this much, and at a time where I wasn’t insecure.

“You don’t understand me.” And I don’t think anybody fully will until they have the condition of my heart beating within their chest.

I'm so sick of the guilt that comes from just the way I was raised and my Catholic high school, a place that I've been trying to leave behind as soon as I became a freshman there. I used to pray with phrases like, "protect me from what I want", but now I have to ask, what's wrong with wanting? What's wrong with feeling pleasure or passion or taking a step away from something? I want to stop thinking about where I'm going after this life or if this is something Jesus would do. I hate the knot in my stomach and the shame I feel after my boyfriend touches me. I hate crying each night from fear and guilt preventing me from taking the next step.

 

I want to walk down the street with confidence, I want the ability to raise my hand in class and say what I really mean. I want to not be afraid of breaking walls. I want to be intimate with my boyfriend and smile instead of wipe tears away from my eyes. I want the courage to take the next step.

 

Confidence, courage, expression. Those are things tha I want. I want to smile and be proud of the person that I've become, and the person that I am growing into. I don't think these are things that I need to be protected from. I need to be protected from the things that takes me away from them.

 

Protect me from what stops me from gaining these things.

 

Amen.

What do I want for 2009 I want to see myself
I don’t want to be an amazing art I just want to paint
I don’t want to feel I have to lie or explain myself to anyone.
I don’t want to be sickly thin but I want to walk
I want to talk to my partners and tell them everything.
I want my sisters to be happy
I want Shae to find solace in her new baby and maybe let go of her baby taken to soon.
I want to find new people to have wonderful experience with
I want to keep doing the same with my old friends
I want to love in a stranger and make someone smile
I want the world to worry less and laugh more
I want to visit my grandma’s grave
I want to party hard with the family I just don’t know
I want to grow some plants
I want to make some shirts
I want to find you
I want to live with you
I want to wake up next to you
I don’t want to rush you
I don’t want to build it up and have it broke
I want to be human and make mistakes
I want to drink the wine and sun rise
I want to still love my job
I want to a pet
I want to make a difference
I want to fly
I want to do drugs
I want to see the world
I want to clean my room
I want to send my secret in
I want to find me
I want everything but nothing
I want everything taken away
Start a fresh and make the best of it
Save so money
I want to be in the wild