Wall @ MindSay

You heard right .......

Peace.  J.

http://www.onemanga.com/Tsubasa_Reservoir_Chronicles/1/04/

I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.

We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.

I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.

I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.

There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.

I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.

I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.

It's that I can't.

I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.

I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.

My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:

Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette

(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)

There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.

There's always a wall. Something in the way, a driving force against me. I keep running at it, and I get knocked out, and keep trying and trying. I paint it, I hack at it, I try climbing it, I try to find my way around it, I lick it, I hug it, I kick it,

I hate it, I love it. Call me emo I don't give a shit. Life is 80% torture, to say the least. And I might get people saying "oh it's not that bad" or "it will get better" and shit I don't agree with or already know. Maybe I'll use my screening powers and strain them out. :3 Maybe I could just post to myself. Never did that before.

Yes I'm whining. I shut up about my life pretty well all day all the time to everyone. Here I ramble. Growl. It's hard facing every day. I sleep in til 15h00 usually, if I don't have to get up. And often I should, to do work. but I don't. I want to stay sleeping, dreaming, out of reality.

Reality sucks. I don't have many friends and if I do they don't have time for me. Most of the friends who made time for me don't want to be friends anymore or they moved away. I hate it.

I hate that every thing is against me. Even on good days and in good moods, something isn't right or goes wrong. I'm not asking for perfection, but more than one good day a month would be nice. Hell, even one good day a month would be okay I guess. I might get a good day once every three months and it's often followed by a week of shit worse than usual.

Gotta have balance, right? Fuck.

I was playing a game of squash against the boss last night (the entire office goes). He sent me running from the left side of the court to the right side to return the ball. The ball could not have been more than 300mm (1') from the right hand wall and I had to hit the ball at pace.

 

I got the return in, before careening into the wall. Luckily I have a bit of padding, by being a slightly overweight bastard, because I hit the wall with a sickening crash, and bounced more than a meter off the wall, landing in a human puddle, my glasses dislodged, my racket out of hand.

 

The boss got to my return, and just to tease me he hit it so that it landed near me lying on the ground. I was able to grab my raquet in the wrong hand hit the ball and hit a good winner.

 

However I couldn't sleep last night, because every time I moved it was like.....

 

"Ouch, that's a bruise"

 

Ah well.