Violated @ MindSay 
i knew i should have brought it with me...n i feel like i should have just stayed home depressed last night cuz then i could have kept ppl out, but monique apparently showed up at one point n i might have left with them if they'd offered, so i dunno. i even called monique to try to find out wtf happened n she said she didn't kno. if she is lying, i'd like to think that reanna is a good enough person that if she found out she would tell me n would help get this sorted out. n if stephanie knew who it was, it would be good if she fucked spoke up, too, but w/e.
i'm definitely glad that jackie talked me into bringing puma with us, tho, cuz if ppl got in here n no one seemed to notice, puma could have gotten out n then god knows what might have happened to him. n mike's friend christina, one of the chicks who applied to move in here n might be, is one of the ppl that's let puma out before.
i dunno, i kno it might seem like i'm taking my frustration out on his friends that applied for the place, but the thing is, realistically sure, i don't know that they'll be like mike but they are his friends. usually friends have things in common, so i also can't kno that they won't be like this, n i can't spend a year w/ more spoiled rich drama queens that thro a temper tantrum whenever they don't get their way n are incredibly inconsiderate of my needs.
i'm in a bad mood right now. I'm not even sure why and it started over something stupid. maybe it still lingers because of all the stress in my life. maybe its because i know that i should be angry and depressed because somewhere out there my ex is celebrating his 20th birthday. I know he's not dead because there is no God and no such thing as justice in the world. The good Lord is welcome to prove me wrong on this at n e point he/she wants. its sickening that he's moved on with his happy little life, not giving a fuck about what he did to me or how its affected me. He can still watch Law & Order, CSI, Mad Max, Silent Hill, and n e other of those TV shows/movies that decide to throw a rape scene in there just to fuck with everybody, especially the people like me, the people that see that on screen and relive every terrible moment in their head. This is the first time in a long time I've posted an entry about this. Even when i have nightmares or triggers and such I tend to ignore them because I'm entering that state of mind that I was in before the cops found out; this idea that I'm just gonna sweep everything under the rug and that's going to make it ok. If i ignore it its gonna go away, right?
i realized how flawed this was on my birthday. I started talking about it here, i believe. I know i didn't finish talking about it because I couldn't, so here's the exciting conclusion: Ramses groped me. Yeah. just copped a feel. twice. The first time it seemed like it might have been an accident cuz he was also playing with my hair n it was more like a brush, not a real stroke or n e thing like that, so i let it go.
and he took this opportunity to do it again, but this time it was more of a real grab.
Sarah 1, who knows nothing about this shit, was laughing, and i can forgive her cuz she doesn't know.
But Gabby does know n she was laughing, too. I know i spoke in an earlier entry about how naive she is when she comes to this subject and i can talk about that more later cuz i'm gonna need to go so i can get to campus (and perhaps see J, hehe)
And of course I triggered. Hella bad. i wanted to cry so badly n i felt so violated n i figured everyone here on mindsay would think i was an idiot for making such a big deal out of this. I have an analogy to explain, but i need to go now. All i can say is that talking to my therapist really helped me feel a lot better about everything.
And to make it all just so much more sublime he even tried to sell his violated PS3 on eBay.
That's hella-sick.
I feel completely violated! Rhys gropped me again today! What does he not get about no and being slapped? I don't get it, when someone says stock it, I thought that was pretty clear, not to mention the red hand print across his face. Maybe I should have a word with my very tall very big friend Angus...what do you think???
Talked with Logrus last night. He's so mean, teasing me like that!!! Ah *sigh* why is it that when you speak of the devil he arises?
My mind is being completely invaded again...what ever happened to me exercising self controll!!!!
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