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Annual DV Block Party (Public)

Today was the annual block party my workplace holds to kick off Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  We had games, prizes, door prizes/raffles, clog dancers, belly dancers, music, FOOD, face painting and crafts....I worked from 9:30 am until 2:30 pm.  I learned how to make egg rolls and helped in making 500 of them!  Yep, lots of leftovers!  We also awarded 3 community members for their outstanding work in helping victims of domestic violence.  The first was an investigator that works with the county's DA office.  He's amazing....I've had him speak in one of my classes so I know how personal and serious he takes his job.  The second person awarded was the head of the county humane society.  She was awarded because my agency has an agreement with them in which they house pets of families that are fleeing violent homes.  It's an amazing thing they do in helping us/our clients that way because often times there are families who want to leave but don't want to leave their pets behind.  Most, if not all, shelters don't allow animals so this enables them to be able to get a fresh start and keep their furry loved ones safe too.  The third person awarded was the police chief of a nearby suburb that we work very closely with.  After multiple domestic violence related homicides in his district, he took a major stand and his force implemented a new program and new efforts to combat domestic violence.  More law enforcement should be as dedicated and take it as seriously as he does.  News crews were there, and I missed being on tv by a few inches - the person I was standing next to was on tv, but I wasn't.  Oh well.  I know I was there, and I smell like greasy egg rolls to prove it!  There was also a table with information about therapy dogs....and there were probably 8 or so dogs there too....that drew a crowd too.  I had a really great time and I was honored to be involved with the event!

 
 
   
 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Most of you know that I volunteer and am an intern at a domestic violence agency.  I've been there since March 2007 and it's the first place in my life that I've felt like I belong.  I have seen some incredible things, both heartbreaking and heartwarming, but I know that working with abuse victims is something I would like to do in my career. 

 

Recently I was asked, by an instructor, to define social activism.  My classmates came up with many different things, but my bottom line is that I feel it is when someone takes an active role in bringing an end to a problem in society.  It's easy to say "I don't think it's right to be violent towards my loved ones." but it's entirely different to actually do something about that.  Words are just that. 

 

In my work I've learned that domestic violence is something that still has a dirty, nasty stigma attached to it.  People don't want to hear about it or talk about it or see it.  We are currently trying to raise money through a Capital Campaign for a new facility because the one we are in is atrocious.  The proposed site for our new facility has been met with extreme resistence because the residents are concerned about a variety of things.  People actually said they don't want to see the building - it looks like a fancy house, not an institution or a homeless shelter or anything.  It's very unassuming and the point of it is to fit in with residential areas.  We've never had a problem with safety of neighbors in our current location, but yet people brought that up.  Largely it's a matter of these residents being uneducated and unwilling to learn about domestic violence.  To learn the FACTS about it and how it can affect them.  They say women don't need a new shelter, but yet one of their own might need it someday.  They don't want the abusers driving around in their neighborhood looking for their victims....the only problem is that abusers already exist in their neighborhoods!!  They exist in YOUR neighborhood!!  It's the seemingly perfect family, the doctor with a lovely wife and well behaved kids.  It's the frail old couple, their kids....it's the gay couple down the block, it's people you work with and see in the grocery store.  Domestic violence does not discriminate.  It knows no race, age, gender, sexual orientation, class.  Don't be fooled into thinking that it doesn't happen, or that it only happens to someone else, somewhere else.  It DOES happen - to men, to women, to children, to parents, to grandparents, to family, friends, IT DOES HAPPEN.

 

On the news tonight, there was part of a press conference from earlier today.  WCADV (Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence) released its domestic abuse related homicide statistics for the 2006-07 year.  http://www.wcadv.org/?go=about/news_pressrelease&id=41  My county which is the largest in area (my city is the largest in the county) was the HIGHEST in the state, aside from Milwaukee.  In 2006-07, we had 4 incidents that resulted in 8 deaths.  It isn't something to be proud of!!  It needs to stop!!  FYI, the report lists the names and backgrounds of the murders of all of the 52 victims in each county in my state.  These people will NEVER be forgotten!!  http://www.wcadv.org/index.cfm?go=download&id=1060


 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Last year I posted a few blogs with facts, and if I have the time, I will do that again.  I may just repost the same things because other than statistics, not much changes.  I want to issue a challenge to anyone who reads this.  I'm hopeful in the human race, perhaps foolishly so, but it is my hope that people can become active in the fight against domestic violence.  I challenge all of you to take part, somehow.  Pass on the word, educate others, volunteer at a local agency, donate food and/or clothing to a local women's shelter, protest....DO SOMETHING!!  Until we're willing to face this problem head on, it can't be extinguished!  Brushing it under the rug does not mean it doesn't exist!  It does exist, and it will continue to until everyone takes a stand to bring it to an end!!

 

Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence to find your local organizations: http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html, http://www.ncadv.org/resources/InternationalOrganizationResources_122.html, http://www.ncadv.org/resources/OtherUSOrganizations_72.html

 

~ In memory of those who have lost their lives at the hands of their abuser, and in honor of those who had the courage to escape. ~

 
 
 

   
IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
You Don't Have To Figure This Out Alone!

IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?

Dr. Frank Ochberg, Harvard trained MD and trauma expert, says our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim.

Victim, survivor, victimology, victim abuse...why are victims being told to deny their reality?

Sometimes, being sad is normal. It doesn't mean you stay there, but don't feel guilty for it.

Reality and Revictimization...Why not everyone can just "move on" and "choose a happy future"

The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed, is wrong.

Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired. Sometimes, help is needed. The phrase, "move on with your life" is common. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, lost a home, or savings, a family or job this phrase can be another betrayal. Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed leaving the victim, stunned, hypervigilant, indigent, betrayed and perplexed as to why they are expected to "choose" to not be a victim. Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.

It's time to give that word back its status and in doing so, give respect to the abused. Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those who have been stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.

What is the definition of a "victim"?
According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.

Why are victims revictimized?
Because it's politically correct to say, "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor." Not all victims are the same. Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support.

Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, they find "helpers" that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because "choice" is NOT always an option.
men

Reclaim the Word Victim
We must reclaim the word "victim" and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.

Are you being victimized again by someone who says, "if you won't stop being a victim. I won't help you"? Maybe your attorney, therapist. siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don't know what they are talking about.

As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:
1. Compassion
2. Validation
3 Freedom from therapeutic verbal abuse (just get over it, move on, you're obsessing...)
4. A support team to open doors to resources 5.
A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.

Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others.

As a victim, you have the right to say, "STOP" to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. WRONG

A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites.

The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery It doesn't matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is.

A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.

The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style.

Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control.
IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event.
It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. Validation is critical.

How to use trauma information and positive psychology.......see YOUAREINCONTROL.INFO There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.

FROM THIS GREAT SITE (CLICK HERE TO VISIT)
 
 
   
 

WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE THE PREDATOR/ NARCISSIST SLANDERS?
One of the tricks of the dramatic fiction-writing trade is to know, and focus on, a particular aspect of human nature. It is this: Every person's most precious possession is the image of him- or her-self that each carries around inside.
Fact: People will do ANYTHING to preserve and protect it.
Fact: Nobody can bear to have that be the image of an evil person.

This is why character assassination is the fate worse than death. That's why it's called "destroying" a person. This is why it drives people to murder and suicide. Even criminals who have committed violent crimes treasure a self concept of themselves as essentially good inside. And many, perhaps even most, are.

Storytellers exploit this by creating a situation in which the hero's self-concept is threatened. That's automatic maximum motivation. For example, Hamlet's self concept is that of an honorable man. So Shakespeare has his father's brother come along and seduce his mother, murder his father the king, and then stain the throne of Denmark with an incestuous marriage to his mother in order to keep the throne from going to Prince Hamlet as it should.

What are people going to think of Hamlet if he goes along with this? If he just looks the other way at the murder of his own father? What is Hamlet going to think of himself? But it's a Catch-22, because everyone else is sucking up to the usurper, so they dishonestly view Hamlet as crazy for suspecting the usurper and will condemn him as evil for doing justice. So, Hamlet is damned as a bad person either way. If you put a character like Hamlet in a predicament like this, you have yourself a whopper of a story with it's own engine roaring and ready to go.

Since before recorded history, there have been stories of ghosts. According to legend, not just anyone who dies could become a ghost. A ghost was someone who could not rest in peace. He could not accept what had happened to him. Usually that's because he was murdered in some diabolical way, either as Hamlet's father was or as Jesus of Nazareth was -- by being framed and executed for crimes he never committed. He died a criminal.

Put yourself in his shoes. Could you tolerate that? No. Nobody can. Nobody can tolerate the whole world believing they're evil when they're not, especially when the person who has falsely accused them is the evil one and comes out smelling like a rose. That turns the whole world upside down, making good evil and evil good. It is an INTOLERABLE state of affairs! Human nature cannot abide it.

Indeed, even the blessed spirits in Heaven are said to be unable to stand it. For, that's precisely what started the mythical war in Heaven between St. Michael the Archangel and Lucifer, who later became known as Satan (which means the "accuser" or "character assassin").

That's the reasoning upon which is founded the belief that Jesus will return. The early Christians expected him to return to Jerusalem any day, with an army of angels.

Do you think that he would have been in a good mood?

They didn't. What do you think Pontius Pilate, the Sanhedron, and the people of Jerusalem would have done? Yes, the "innocent" bystanders of Jerusalem -- who mobbed Jesus one day as a saint and went along with his character assassination and murder the next by crying "Crucify him!"

Who did they think they were fooling? Me? I'd know I hadn't fooled him, and I be scared shitless of anybody I did that to. So, what would you do if someone you had done that to returned returned with great power? Tremble, eh?

That's why the traditional representations of the Second Coming are of it as "a day of wrath, a dreadful day." In this upside down world Jesus is the bad guy and the Sanhedrin and the people of Jerusalem are the good guys. Like St. Michael the Archangel, he is going to turn the world right-side up again by giving the real bad guys the reputation they deserve.

You needn't be a Christian to get the import of this story. The narcissist plays the part of the Sanhedrin (which was indeed narcissistic and envious of Jesus). The people of Jerusalem play the part of everyone who listens to his slander and calumny of you, even though it flies in face of the facts of your known conduct, gobbling it up just because it's juicy and because condemning others makes them feel righteous. If, say, this happens in the workplace, Pontius Pilate plays the part of the boss.

There is nothing worse you can do to a human being.

So, if this has happened to you, your feelings are natural. Don't make it worse by feeling guilty about them and trying to bury them. You cannot accept it. But you can accept your feelings. So do. You just hunger and thirst for justice. What's so bad about that?

If you bide your time, maybe someday you'll get it. But unfortunately, you probably won't, because there's very little true justice in this world. That place has been diseased and corrupted by the malignant influence of the narcissist. So just leave it, and kick its dust from your feet as unfit habitation for decent people.

Indeed, would you rather trade places with them? He owns them. He doesn't own you.

And there is karma. That's why I referred to that Clint Eastwood movie yesterday. I think it was High Plains Drifter. In a cloud (of dust) he descends upon a Jerusalem named "Hell" one day and agrees to help them defend against the "return" of somebody they did that to.

Boy! does he give it to 'em good!

ORIGINAL POST AT THIS MUST READ SITE

X-Posted to THE EXPOSER
 
 
 

   
THE NARCISSISTIC PREDATOR AS SLANDERER
On their way through life, narcissists leave a trail of trashed good names in their wake. This is a serious problem in the workplace, for narcissists often destroy the careers of their betters. Narcissistic managers and administrators often are who destroy the career and credibility of anyone who doesn't participate in a lynching and therefore is a threat to blow the whistle.

Here are two PERFECT EXAMPLES: Click HERE and HERE

The narcissist is a slanderer partly to get attention. (Notice that the finger-pointer in the picture above has his other hand raised to get attention.) But he is a slanderer mainly because he must be one to create his phony image. He makes himself look good by making others look bad.

Yet narcissists are not the only people who create a false image of themselves. If you want to call it close, virtually everybody does, even that paragon of honesty, Prince Hamlet.

In a world that surrounds us with the prying eyes of fault-finders, we would be traitors to ourselves if we were not at least modest about the things we should be ashamed of. Especially insofar as they are none of anybody else's business. In fact, it's a virtue to keep what's private private. It is the moral equivalent of wearing clothes.

Yet narcissists are different: they are hypocrites = for looks only. They think a thing ain't wrong if they get away with it. In other words, they confuse appearances with reality. Consequently, they have no conscience — just an unconscience. That is, they repress their conscience. Hence, what they do in the dark is shockingly different than what they do in the light of day. These are the people who put make-up on their image a little too thick in spots.  ....they confuse appearances with reality.
....they project instead of repent.

Since it's all about their image, as Hamlet's mother said, they view sin as some kind of taint instead of as moral illness, or spiritual dis-ease. This is what gives them the notion that it can be "washed away" or smeared off. No wonder that, to get rid of it, they project instead of repent.

Projection is the Oldest Trick in the Book.
Magicians call it "misdirection."

The Serpent pulled it on Eve when he accused God of being the liar. ("God told you THAT?") Stupid Eve should have looked at the other end of that pointed finger for the liar.

As St. Paul does when he says that if somebody condemns others of being [fill in the blank], you can bet your bippy that he is one himself. Sometimes in a different way, but always at least the moral equivalent of one.* Paul was in line with the ancient Hebrew scriptures. Their name for the spirit in which people do this is satan, which means the "finger-pointer," the "name-slayer" (slanderer), the "prosecutor/persecutor," or the "accuser."

In some places (e.g., the Book of Job) they also call him "the policer of the world." Which makes me wonder why religious leaders think that condemning these and those for this and that all the time is a good deed.

This trick still works great today: I know of one narcissist who was a pedophile and for many years kept people from noticing the glaring warning signs in his own behavior by spreading rumors about one single teacher after another at his school. (He, of course, was married.)

* An example of what I mean by moral equivalence: Mr. Self-Righteous union-busts to keep the workers in his shoe factory so poor they go barefoot — and shows moral indignation in loudly condemning his neighbor for "muzzling an ox trampling the grain."

The rules about projection are in the Book of Leviticus, prescribed in the ritual for the Day of Atonement.

Christianity has inherited them. The scapegoat must be the cleanest, most perfect potential victim available, the one with the most potential to do well in the world.

(Sloppy thinking has twisted the meaning a full 180 degrees: these ugly demonstrations of the human race in action, symbolically performed by abominable cruelty to an animal, were intended to shame us. Not to prescribe this travesty of justice as the way to purify ourselves and win salvation from justice.)

 The worst thing about projection is that mud sticks best to a clean spot.

I'm sure that people who do this think they're clever, but it's childsplay. Send a muddy child into an unsupervised school yard and wait to see what happens. He will rub himself off on every cleaner, smaller child he can find, till they are all crying and he looks good by comparison.

Looks good by comparison. Those are the all-important words. The hypocrite makes himself look good by comparison with others. He does that the easy way — by making others look bad. This is the root of envy. Which is not a rare motive for what people say about others. It's a common motive.

In a moment of self awareness, the hypocrite says, "Well, I may not be perfect, but I'm not as bad as others are." Then he instantly looks for somebody to make himself look better than = somebody to rub himself off on. And he's certainly smart enough to pick somebody pretty good to look better than!

So, narcissists are by no means alone in doing this. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time.

In contrast, normal people project only when on the defensive. And then they're likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So, their aim is poor, and sometimes they project a flaw off onto somebody who actually has it.

But a narcissist's aim is impeccable.

For example, whom does he call a liar? The most honest person around. Who does he say is dangerous? The savior of the group. Every single time.

His talent for farce is so great that you could mistake him for astute. Also, normal people have normal, human and loving relationships. So they don't smear themselves off on just anybody. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear. And they stick to slander (which has at least some degree of truth in it), rarely engaging in calumny (lies). When they do calumniate somebody, he or she is an enemy.

Even then they don't go hog-wild and calumniate somebody so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their lives. Not so with the narcissist. He is a child with no sense of measure or moderation. He loves only himself. He has no normal human relationships. He relates to people as objects.

In fact, he is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping somebody as grand as he.

He is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult.
(a PERFECT example of this HERE)

Since he is a little child, the only reign on a narcissist's behavior is what he feels he can get away with. So, the more he gets away with, the more repressed guilt he has to purge himself of. The bad thing about repressed guilt is that it is an unconscious puppet master. Scripture calls it "the demon lurking at the door." The door being the way out, the escape, through repentance.

This could be why narcissists get worse with age. The load of repressed guilt they keep trying to purge themselves of (in a way that only dirties them more) gets so heavy that the wild accusations they make get viciouser and viciouser. It's as though they get drunk on blood. They become living, breathing Projection Machines.

Projection becomes such a knee-jerk reflex that a narcissist accuses his victim of doing to him the very thing (or essentially the same thing) as he is in the very act of doing to the victim.

This creates bizarre scenes that make you wonder whether the narcissist is hallucinating or tripping out on psychedelic drugs. You feel like Alice in Wonderland. You have to pinch yourself and wonder whether "it's me or him that is crazy."

If you've ever thought that, congratulations. It means you're not. The narcissist never thinks that: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one. (I said "crazy," not "insane." There's a difference.) The narcissist never thinks [he's crazy]: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one.

Another big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting.

Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will.

Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

* A narcissist's need to conform you to his or her specifications can go to bizarre extremes. For example, I know of one female narcissist who, during an assault on her sister, habitually forced her up against a wall and then spent a long time moving and twisting her sister's arms about to position them grotesquely — thus forcing her sister into different "shapes."

Behave is the key word.

Narcissists do not connect with reality: appearances are all that matter in their world. So, you can lay out your grievances to a narcissist in a letter to let him know what you think, but if tomorrow you encounter him and act as though none of it happened, he is perfectly satisfied.

So, though the narcissist's projective identification seems like gaslighting and affects the victim like gaslighting, it is not gaslighting in the strictest sense of the word.

For the narcissist only cares how you behave; he does not care what you think. He doesn't think at all about what you think. In fact, you can crash his brain by asking, "What do you think I think about you?" The question does not even compute.

Bottom Line: Anyone who outshines a narcissist diminishes the glow of his glory. So, that person had better be somebody with power that he fears or had better lay low and get away.

ORIGINAL FROM THIS GREAT SITE
 
 
   
 

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