Vagina @ MindSay 
penis
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dixie currently feels:
Content
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #67
Never Been Naked For This Long!
I sat with Michaella today on the college bus. Her lesson starts at 10:30, and mine starts at 10:00, so we sat around on the tables together - until her other mates turned up and she slyed off with them.
It happens every time, I don't know why I bother with her sometimes.
Either way - as I do, as it says in nearly every blog - I played SOLITAIRE LOL.
I'm at the $50,000 mark now.
It's annoying though, because I've lost so much more than I've won, my avarage money per game is summat daft like -$40 a game. Though the more I seem to be winning, the number's going down.
I'd like to get it back to $0.
Ashleigh came in at about 9:30, and we went up to 4th floor.
Now usually, the door is always locked to the Mac room - so we sit outside it - but today it WAS open - though due to force of habit, we were sat outside it ANYWAY.
Felt like a proper knob when some randomer comes by and opens the door.
Danny, Ash and I were amused though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the start of the lesson, I uploaded all of the photos from Wednesday's shoot - made some contact sheets for my sketchbook, then started cropping down the best ones and adjusting the levels.
They actually didn't turn out as bad as I did expect.
Shelly appeared about 10 minutes late.
She's always late on Fridays.
She comes in, puts her head on the desk and sulks.
I initially wonder what's wrong - until Danny and Michelle exclaim that she smells of cigarettes.
Ashleigh shakes her head and I just sit and despair her - she'd almost made it to a week without them. :(
She also told me she'd came on her period.
Previously in the week - she'd said that we wouldn't be able to have sex if she did.
So I was disappointed about that as well.
I'd woken up in a lapse, and to then add disappointment to that made me really upset.
I spent the whole lesson listening to sad songs on my iPod like Bother and Vermillion Part 2.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the lesson, Ashleigh had to go and see her tutor about her UCAS application.
Shelly and I were waiting outside the lift - she had a whinge to me about how she'd made a mistake and why couldn't I forgive her.
This made me angry - becuase it feels like if I ever do anything wrong, I can't be forgiven for it. If I ever do anything wrong, anything at all - I HAVE to be punished for it. I'm never forgiven - so why should I forgive anyone else?
I told her this and she cried - so she went into the 4th floor toilets away from me.
I needed some time alone, so I walked out of college and started walking into town.
Shelly rang me when I was just about to get onto Albert Bridge - so I sat on a concrete block near the road and waited.
She cuddled me and said she was sorry when she reached me.
Ashleigh had given her some money - seeing as how she'd be stuck in the art rooms for another hour, so she asked us to go and get her a sarnie.
I went to get the same sandwich I'd got yesterday - turkey and cheese - but the fucking slag charged me 40p extra and thus made me 10p down for my bus fare.
Shelly was coming home with me that night though, so she lent me the 10p. :)
When you're charged too much for something, it doesn't taste as good. :(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in college, Shelly and I ate our accquired shit on the benches outside Hair & Beauty.
I got a text at about 1:10 from Ash saying: "Where are you? BRING ME FOOD."
I was like: LMFAO ASH WANTS FEEDING.
We went to the main lift on the ground floor - and I saw that it was coming down from 4th floor.
I had a feeling that Ash would be in it - and sure enough, when the doors parted, our little purple warrior on wheels was sat there. :)
Rofl, and I've never seen Ash nom anything as fast as she nommed that sarnie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a lesson with Mare-Mare after this.
I don't like Fridays.
I have 9 lessons a week, and they're near-enough distributed.
I have 1 on Monday, 2 on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday, 2 on Thursday - but then I have 3 on Friday.
There's barely any gap between them either.
(I WOULD have 2 on Wednesday, but I don't go to Key Skills. :))
Either way, another shitty revision lesson about categorisation of texts.
During the little break, I went and sat with those two on the curvy benches. Lewis joined us and was like: "Oh, we're not going DEAD ON quarter past, SHE'S NEVER THERE."
Lmao, he's turning into a right little rebel. I think it are my influence.
In Media Studies, I made a start on my evaluation.
I think it's proper shite, but Sarah doesn't.
Whatever.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After my lesson, I met up with Shelly and we walked down to the bus stop to get the Leven Valley bus back to my nana's.
When we were sat in the shelter together, I was starting to get a little nervous.
Shelly noticed that when I'm sat in that bus shelter, I always stare at the reflection of my shoes. :)
Either way - it was on time for once, we arrived, got in and I dived on the double bed and chilled out there.
Shelly wasn't so eager to join me at first - my bedroom here at my nana's has a big fuck off mirror that takes up one wall, and Shelly doesn't like mirrors.
I got her a drink of pineapple juice, then we laid together on the bed making out for a while... :)
Lmao, this be a red divider line - it indicates that this blog are about to get very dirty and graphic. It are not for the likes of you. :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL, THIS BLOG BE CONTAINING EXPLICT CONTENT.
FOR I ARE A DIRTY WHORE AND WRITE VERY GRAPHICALLY. :)
Shelly was touching me all over my body, I was starting to get a little bit more excited now. :)
She reached down my jeans and slipped her hand into my underwear. She squealed in delight at feeling how wet I was.
I started squeezing her breasts - before reaching around her back and undoing her bra. I pulled it off and she took off her shirt.
By now, she was fiddling with the zip on my jeans, and she's got them pulled off really quickly.
I'd wet through my underwear, and this really turned her on. I slipped them off and stroked them along her lips.
She then pulled off my bra and I took off my shirt.
I couldn't stand looking at her breasts any longer - I lunged for them, planting kisses along them, before I began to lick her nipples. This really excites her - it makes them very pointy. :)
When I was doing this, sucking and licking on her right one and squeezing and fondling her left - she started fingering me.
She went gently at first, then I told her to go rougher. I was really starting to cum - then I asked her to add in a third. This was fucking amazing, but she stopped just as I was about to climax.
I looked down - only to see the bed was covered in blood.
She'd popped me. This really surprised me and I turned to her and said: "...You've made me bleed."
She felt guilty by this - more so when I started to cry.
I have NO IDEA why I cried, either.
She took me in her arms and cuddled me. This made me feel better.
One comment I did make after this:
"LOL, I'M NAKED."
To which she responds:
"LOL, I'M TOPLESS."
I took her by the arm and led her to the bathroom.
I turned on the shower, pulled the curtains around and climbed in.
She was reluctant to join me at first, but as soon as I started washing my hair, rubbing the soap suds down over my breasts - she got in with me.
I washed my hair, then handed her a sponge. I took a sponge of my own and gently wiped the soap along over her body. Then I used my hands, caressing her breasts and rubbing between her legs.
She did the same to me - then she bent me over slightly and spanked me a few times through the soap. :)
Although we were clean now - we were about to get very very dirty. :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before we got down to anything else - I had to make us something to eat.
I cooked us some hotdogs. I had cheese singles with mine. We ate them naked together in the bedroom, with more Pepsi.
Sex makes you VERY thirsty, so you need to be prepared with Pepsi on hand. :)
When I took the plates back through, Shelly took the towels back into the bathroom - and I came back with a little tub of chocolate profiteroles.
I made Shelly lay on the bed, and I rubbed chocolate sauce all over her. I started on her breasts - gently licking it off, sucking on each nipple in turn.
I wiped a little on her face and kissed her passionatley, making sure I didn't leave any behind.
Then I worked my way down - beginning to gently rub on her clit - ranging from really slow and hard to fast and rough. When she was excited, I smeared a blob of chocolate sauce over her clit and bent my head to lick it off.
I had been scared of going down on her for such a long time now - but once I got started on it, noticing how much she enjoys it, I started enjoying it too.
At one point, when I raised my head for a little rest, she grabbed me by the head and pushed my face back between her legs for another go.
This made me laugh, so I gave her it again, a lot faster this time.
Shelly only has a tongue about half the size of mine - but my fingers are about 3cm shorter than hers.
We're pretty evenly balanced. :)
I stopped when my jaw started hurting and climbed back to the top of the bed to lay beside her.
She pounced on me and started sucking my breasts, simultaneously sliding two fingers in and out of me.
When I came close to climaxing, I took her by the head and pushed her down to lick me out.
I came quite a bit, and this made her happy.
Happy enough to take out the lube we'd bought on Thursday, apply it to her fingertips and gently slide her hand along to my arse.
This was much better than the last time she'd given me anal - she was a lot more relaxed. I came bucketloads due to this. Especially when she had her left hand in my arse, her right in my pussy and her tongue on my clit. :)
Then I truly realised how much she trusts me.
Shelly was raped as a child, and thus, she's terrified of recieving anal stimulation.
I asked her if I could try it. She knows I do it to myself - so she trusted me enough to let me.
I used plenty of lube on my hand so I wouldn't hurt her - started slowly on the outside, and continued slowly and gently on the inside once I'd penetrated her.
She wasn't enjoying it immensley - I could tell she was scared because she was a lot tighter than I normally am. Tense too.
Later on, she admitted it was weird, but she loves the feeling of lube in her arse.
Lmao, that's my favourite thing about it too. Especially when you shit afterwards, rofl. :)
After much more lesbian frivolity - it turned to midnight and I was starting to fall asleep.
I was asleep for around an hour - only to wake up at about 1, Shelly was still awake - stroking her hand along my back.
I gave her a good fingering to keep her happy - then she started on me again.
I asked her for another go with anal - and this time I made the biggest puddle you could ever imagine.
I didn't even notice how big it was until I put my hand there.
I started getting immature and tried to rub Shelly's face in it.
She had good control over her head - apparently her ex boyfriend used to force her to him him blowjobs, and she could always keep her head in place.
Just as I was about to move her head down, she tripped me and I fell into it myself - she rubbed my face in it instead.
I wasn't amused - but she was.
Covered in my own cum - I rubbed my face on her breasts then kissed her passionatley a few times so she could taste it again. :)
At around 2AM, we did agree to sleep. There would be time for more in the morning. :D
I had a dream the other night:
I was having all these anxieties about having sex for the first time. In this dream, I was so worried about it I actually went and 'practised' with some other girl, just so I could make the experience for my girlfriend really good... inevitably, after I did it, Tildy found out and wouldn't speak to me, at which point I realised with horror that I had basically cheated on her like her other boyfriends had. At which point the martians showed up, or something... :P
Now, I'm hardly planning to do something like this in real life, but the problem still stands - my inexperience, combined with my lack of sex education, means that I'm pretty damn clueless.
I mean, there's the clitoris. I know that that is pretty much what gives a girl an orgasm - and yet, I'm fucked if I know where the hell it is... somewhere in the vaginal region, well I know that much. But those bloody Encyclopedia Brittanica diagrams just don't help all that much - I can't even figure out yet whether I'm looking at it the right way up or not, and frankly when the situation arises I probably won't have an anatomical diagram on hand anyhow. And I'm not a big enough fan of the old hardcore porn to actually sit down and watch some to get any ideas. Anyhow, if I did, I might take the whole thing too literally and start talking like a porn star, and that wouldn't be terribly erotic, would it? Unless I grew one of those 70s moustaches first. Hmm...
Yeah OK, I could ask her, but where's the fun in that? Anyhow, that would be kind of weird - "Hey Dave, how was your day?" "Oh not too bad, you know... oh by the way, where exactly is your clitoris?". And during the act - well, frankly it's kind of a mood killer to be making conversation while engaged in passionate kissing and related activities.
Another issue is that I frankly don't know whether I'll be good or not. I'm tending towards thinking 'not' (see above, re: cluelessness), and that worries me a little. I want it to be not only good for me, but more importantly I want her to enjoy it. I want it to be the best thing that's ever happened to her, and I want it to last for longer than a 'Hives' song. Chances of that aren't looking so great.
I could always try celibacy, I suppose...
"Penis Power"
"Dick'll Make Ya Slap Somebody!"
"Piloting The Pussy"
A few observations:
1 - Jill is very inquisitive about the vagina for a 10 year old Down's kid
2 - Suzie bleeds like a stuck pig; how she doesn't spend her entire time of the month on bedrest is beyond me
3 - Mom looks like she drinks heavily and Dad looks like he trolls Boyscout meetings looking for dates
4 - This family's aversion to the word "vagina" is unsettling
5 - There is something unseemly in the way these freaks wanted Jill to start using tampons so early on in life
So today I went to the gynocologist. Now that you know what the bulk of this entry is about I am not responsible if you decide to read on and are therefore grossed out. I personally think this is pretty tame, but I know how some people are. Anyway, I had to see a different gyno than I usually do because my normal one because he fractured his leg. It was either see a different doctor or try to schedual something over thanksgiving/christmas break, and i don't know what the future holds for me. Besides, today was my day off. I was nervous about seeing a different male doctor, though. Not because some guy was gonna poke at my cunt, but because of the whole PTSD thing. Do women get raped by their gynocologists? probably. I'd like to think that it's rare, but I don't know how other places work. At Kaiser when the doctor examines you a nurse comes in to make sure they don't do anything other than examine you. I know that twisted things can still happen, but it does make me feel safter. Also, when I first went to the gynocologist I wasn't as fucked up. Yes I'd had fingers shoved in a couple different oraffices and a couple things shoved in my mouth that I didn't want there, but I was still a virgin so maybe that's why it wasn't as bad? Some other things hadn't happened at that point as far as I know, too, but they weren't related to any of the sexual violence. I remember during that first visit the only thing I was worried about was that I didn't shave and I was afraid that getting a pap smear would hurt. Like I said, I was a virgin. As it turns out they don't give pap smears to virgins if its their first visit, or at least they didn't when I was 16. Maybe things have changed and they do them for all women now, but that's how it was on my first visit. And it is kinda weird that my doctor has the same first name as my little brother, but i'm used to that now.
But other than that and a few other exceptions, going usually doesn't bother me. I just hate having my blood pressure taken cuz it hurts, and they do that before all doctor visits, I hate getting the pap smear done cuz it stings my cervix a little, and I hate when he has to reach into my uterus because it feels uncomfortable. I was more nervous this time because it was a different doctor than before and I also haven't had anything inside me for...*math* a month, a week, and a day now, so there was some tightness going on. No fingers, no dildo, nothing. In the past when I went I had a boyfriend of some sort, meaning i'd been fucked, fingered, eaten, or vibed shortly before. Even though Nam and I never had sex, we did do the last three of those four things. (As well as some others, but those are the only ones vagina related.) Anyway, the doctor was examining me and he says, "Has anyone ever said anything to you about tipped uterus?" "No." "Well its no big deal, but yours is tipped backwards." I thought this peice of information was so awesome that I told my mom afterwards (she gave me a ride), and she said the doctors told her the same thing and its never been a problem. Considering that she was able to have two (physically) healthy babies I guess not. I'm just excited that now I have another piece of trivial knowledge other than my spine being crooked. Figured I'd share with those daring enough to read through this. I don't see the bfd, but whatever. it's cool. :) I do have to admit i think he was feeling around in there longer than my normal doctor usually does, but then again it hurt because I hadn't had anything in there for so long that I was tensing up and having a hard time relaxing, so maybe it was harder for him to check me?
All I can say is I'm glad I'm so open with my body. The gowns at Kaiser used to close in the front and the doctor would just reach up it or pull it up to give you a breast exam. Well now they're basically like a vest and it doesn't close in the front at all. It's just open for your tits to hang out and the world to see. Once again the PTSD made me nervous about that. To me this is just a doctor visit and for the sake of my health the doctor needed to examine my reproductive organs and breasts. It's just the idea of being attacked and hurt that freaks me out. I also think its amazing how despite my shitty self esteem I'm so open with my body. I fucked Andy with the lights on, (and he did me up the ass the first time we saw each other and we left the lights on), Neal while it was light out, and Doug with the lights on/when it was light out. I guess my logic is if we're going to fuck anyway you're basically going to see it all so why should I be modest? Like if you're my doctor and you're trying to make sure i'm healthy then why should it matter? You're the one who was dumb enough to get a job that makes you look at everything from jailbait pussy to shrivled old dry cunt, let alone my huge fat ass naked.
oh yeah, and my insides felt really funny afterwards because, like I said, i hadn't had anything in me for over a month. Usually the pap smear is the only thing that hurts, but this time pretty much all of it did. :/ I gave out a little shout when he first stuck that thing in me, (I can't remember what its called), because I was surprised at how much it hurt. Guess I should have used my vibrator this morning after I showered, huh? haha. (yeah, i shaved, but I always shave when I shower so it wasn't special.) It was funny because after the doctor took the last swab he said, "Ok, now I'm going to take this awful thing out." lol. The nurse gave me a wet wipe to clean up that lube stuff that they use, but i just used paper towels like I always do instead. i hate how sticky and messy that stuff is. The doctor today didn't use a whole lot, but I still should have showered agian when I got home. and i forgot to ask about how my period likes to start on Tuesday now instead of Sunday like its supposed to and for about 3/4 of a year now my vagina gets really wet while I PMS, but then again he wasn't my normal doctor anyway, so I don't know. I figure he wouldn't know the history of my body as well I guess.
Funny thing, though. I happened to see this on atashi's blog before I showered this morning. Great timing!:P
and no, my vaginia was hardly big enough to fit that one thinga-ma-jig they stick in there, so this was not an issue for me, lol. hooray for vaginal health! :D the PTSD actually makes me kinda eh with this if I think about it too much, but I do think its awesome to have seen this on the day I was going. And i have a clean bill of health!
And while I'm stealing pictures from other mindsayers, I stole this from vampireblood cuz oh I feel the pain!
So yeah, that's pretty much it for now...Nam's replies....ug, more of the same old, same old. He only replies when I'm at my angriest and then he tells me its my fault and that I'm wrong. I'm wrong for being angry, I'm wrong for saying all these horrible things, me me me. Never has he admitted that he was. He'll say he's sorry, but he won't say, "I was wrong." He won't say, "I was wrong for staying at my sister's that extra day and not telling you, I was wrong for taking out my anger on you, I was wrong for yelling at you when all you wanted was idle chit chat. I was wrong for not calling you back when you went out to see guys to make sure you were safe, I was wrong for shoving things back in your face." There's a difference between saying "I'm sorry" and "I was wrong," and if I send him this he's probably just going to say he's wrong to shut me up. He always says things just to shut me up and it pisses me off. I replied and the one thing I really remember telling him is that I think he set me up to fail when he knew where my boundaries were and he broke them over and over again. I guess we'll just see how it goes from here. I just want to move on and let go and stop caring about this mess.
And I didn't get to call my therapist, and apparently the pictures Anna sent me of herself are in a different box that isn't accessable at the moment. The only place I know that I can use a scanner up at Humboldt is in the Library, but I don't know when that opens. I'm sorry sweety. I could throw shit around and open those boxes, but I'm only going to be here for another week so yeah. And speaking of which, that means I'm going to have to start the packing process, soon. majorly irritated. no me gusta. As i was digging through the boxes that I thought the letter and those pictures were in I started to realize more and more how much stuff I'm going to have to re-pack. and i'm going to call AMP tomorrow to see what's going on with the apartment. Kim is supposed to be going up there this weekend to look at/for places and it would be cool if she could check it out.
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]
