Upset @ MindSay 
sad
Well, as you know I got to meet my grandma on my dad's side last Saturday. It went really really well. Me and my grandma got lost finding it but we found it eventually. When we pulled up to the apartment building I saw this little old lady sitting outside with her walker. I knew it was her for a fact. I jumped up out of the car almost as if I had ants in my pants or something. I ran over to her and gave her a huge hug that lasted forever. This moment was long over due for me. We talked a little bit, and I went back to the car to grab her senior picture for her along with a prom picture of me. We get inside her apartment and of course my grandma started getting teary eyed. I wasnt I was just overwhelmed and excited. We sat down and I showed her my picture album of pictures of me growing up with my brother. After small talk she brought up my biological dad. I knew deep down it was going to happen sooner or later. I guess what he did after shit went down with my family went further with his mom, brother, and other neices and nephews.
I found out my dad is a psycho. Worse than Jackyll and Hyde. If he took his medication like he is suppose to you couldnt ask for a better guy. But of course he is ornry from what I heard. I found out he tryed commiting suicide a bunch of times in his life but never suceeded. I found out that at one point in his life he went outside completely naked, jumped in his car and drove around to this neighborhood, got out and asked people door to door if they had any sheep. I found out one time in my life the night he got kicked out of the house here, he left in a jacket in mid july with a vacuum hose and sat on the side of the road with it hooked up from his exhaust to his window with the car completely sealed and he was found by a stranger and they called 911. I found out my mom and dad were suppose to get married but he was way to psycho and he just didnt care about me nor my brother. I found out he is a hypochondriac who is addicted to prescribed drugs from the doctors. I found out he didnt care that my grandpa Tom died back in 2006 due to lung cancer and kidney failure. I found out he threw major temper tantrums as in destroying the house if my grandpa Tom didnt have the kind of coffee he wanted. I also found out he slit his wrists open in front of my cousins when they were little. He did a bunch of other stuff too but im keeping that confidential.
When we got to my cousin's graduation party and after I met them for the first time in my life, my uncle greg started talking about my dad. You could tell the more he talked about him the more he got angered and did things alot quicker. when I found out about the things he did I felt ashamed of myself for the fact that I came from him. I cant believe my mom actually slept with him to get me. I have a feeling she was extra desperate at the time. The information is still slowly sinking in. I cry every now and then about it but I quickly get over it because its nothing to fret about really. Im just thankful that I did not inherit his sickness. If I ever had a thought in my head about what he probably had, I would either shoot myself or get help immediately. I dont ever want to turn out like him. I feel ashamed enough to hear that I have his eyes, smile, height, and nose. Pretty much everything. Everybody tells me I look like my mom but the more I look at this one picture of him, im pretty much the girl version of him all over again. Physically that is, not mentally. He is currently the last person on earth I want to meet. In fact I never want to meet him in my life. To think that his problem is, is that he is so smart that he is insane. He was on the honor roll back in high school and he always landed great jobs from what I heard. But that was his problem, he was way too smart. I also learned he does have the money to pay for child support, he just doesnt do it. He got kicked out of Minnesota and also kicked out of Florida but he went back to Florida anyways.
When I got home that night all I could do is cry about everything. I was happy but sad at the same time. It was a mixture of emotions at the time. Thinking about it now just tears me up inside knowing he was a psycho. Still is as far as everybody knows. Nobody has contact with him and if he is to ever set foot into somebody's house on my dad's side or my side even, the cops are to be called. Nobody wants anything to do with him. Cant blame them either. Im one of them. If I had to pick between trusting Charles Manson or him I would trust charles manson alot more. Ide feel alot more comfortable if he was my dad rather than Mike being my dad to be honest. I guess I can honestly say that I am the seed of chucky, but im the nicer one and not the psycho.
so easily directed away from thinking about REAL issues that are present right in front of us
Go ahead and waste your time over PATHETIC arguments about "what God wants to hear from us"
Meanwhile, the world moves on
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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I don't know how I manage to - but today, I managed to avert my self harming urges once more.
Perhaps it is Emily lingering on my mind.
...No, Emily does not linger.
Emily weighs heavily upon my mind - even though she's so light.
After thinking about her - thinking about her in the wrong way; remembering her tear-stricken face and her sorrow-smeared words, I felt very sad inside.
So I went to my stationery drawer, opened it, and stared in.
SR was there - resting on the top of my gel pens and felt tips.
I stared at him for a long time.
The last thing he was used for, was actually, to remove a staple.
I felt I'd use him for his true cause, and take out some staples.
So I destroyed my old RE book from year 9.
I drew pentagrams and anarchy signs in the name box.
Not very religious, I know - but I'm not.
I'm sick of not being able to write anything.
I'm so angry at staring at the same shitty divider, watching the cursor flashing underneath it.
The cursor is taunting me.
The flashing means that... Well, it's thinking "Har, I'm gonna stay here and flash at you because you can't think of anything to write."
Fucking cursor.
Adam was round today.
We spent some of the day playing co-op Guitar Hero III.
As usual, he was the one to get bored first, so he got his DS out and started playing Ace Attourney.
We did quite a few songs though - but the 5 star rating for Helicopter will be damn near impossible if he keeps shoving me on rhythm guitar and not lead.
The lead is EASIER, damn it!
I played some wi-fi co-op with Emily later.
At around 9, till about quarter past 10.
We did 7 songs with her on lead, then 5 with me on lead.
To take the piss dramatically, I chose One as my last song.
I barely scraped through it with a 4-star on Hard, nevermind sodding Expert.
So we failed, and I laughed - a lot.
When Adam and I were laid on my bed, being bored - I was scrolling through the setlist of GH3.
Being bored, we started making up parody names for the songs - replacing one word with "shit".
Slow Shit
Hit Me With Your Best Shit
Bulls On Shit
Miss Shit
When You Were Shit
Take This Shit
Hier Kommt Shit
Generation Shit
Radio Shit
Through The Fire And Shit
Holiday In Shit
Raining Shit
In Shit
Shit It Black
Same Old Song & Shit
Talk Shitty To Me
Story Of My Shit
School's Shit
Sunshine Of Your Shit
Shit In The UK
Even Shit
Kool Shit
Black Magic Shit
Cherub Shit
Shit Of Personality
Before I Shit
And my personal favourite:
She Bangs The Shit
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Today's song lyrics:
Vermillion Part 2 - Slipknot
She is everything to me...
The unrequited dream...
A song that no one sings...
The unattainable ...
She's a myth that I have to believe in...
All I need to make it real is one more reason...
And I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
When she makes me sad...
But I won't let this build up inside of me...
I won't let this build up inside of me...
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but i just feel like crying, even though I know that things are going to be absolutely fine..
things will be better within a few hours, im sure of it..
-:(Kristal:)
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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This week is going very slowly...
I keep waking up at the wrong end of my bed with all of my pillows on the floor.
I feel tired during the day and awake at night.
My sleep patterns are really distrupted.
All I want to do right now is just hibertnate.
In last lesson today, we were made to watch a video that some arseholes in my tutor had made.
It was all about choosing sixth forms.
I wouldn't have minded - if it were made by people I liked and respected.
But it was made by a group of total utter twats - who everyone likes, everyone finds hilarious - and they're pure and total wankers, not a shred of skin covering their worthless bodies is even fractionally amusing or intelligent.
Every year, our school has a film festival.
The head of drama - my tutor teacher - organises it.
I hate drama, I have no confidence.
But it's my dream to make a good film and enter it for the festival.
But I can't.
Everyone would laugh at me and take the piss - just because it's me.
It's not fair.
I can't do anything I want without being ridiculed for it.
I cried down my aisle today.
Then I came out and sat beside Claire - and cried on her shoulder.
She didn't move, didn't speak - didn't seem to care either.
Emily isn't here to comfort me.
She won't be thinking about me.
She seems so distant from me since the ban.
Every e-mail she sends seems to have lost the flair that makes Emily and everything she says... It just doesn't seem that I'm important to her anymore.
I'm not important to anybody.
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