Upset @ MindSay

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I didn't even want to see Shelly and Ashleigh today.
I told Shelly this last night, but she half-persuaded me to see them. She said if I was depressed and lonely, I'd only get worse. I did say to her that sometimes I lapse further even when I'm with people I like.

Although for the majority of the day, I've been wearing my mask - I've felt shit inside.
Shelly came at fucking nine in the morning - waking me and my mother up in the process. She laid in bed with me while I tried to wake up properly. She did try it on with me - but I was far from in the mood.
A few hours later she did persuade me, but I didn't enjoy it. It made me feel worse. I shouldn't ever let her when I feel that fucking shit.

Mam went off to ASDA, after she'd asked me to make her a list - but THIS was after she'd had a big fuck off go at me for barely anything. All I did was say that dad was a knob - which he fucking is, and she even agrees with me 99.99% of the fucking time - but nooo, the 0.01% of the time she doesn't agree with me was today - and she decided to have a rant at me about fucking nothing.
At the time, I was holding one of my zebra grip pens - the same ones I've used to cut myself in exams and when I punched Ash - by snapping off the metal clip, exposing the sharp join to the plastic - so on my way back upstairs, I did two vertical slices down my left arm.
I managed to keep my tears back - Shelly held me in her arms while I tried to calm down. I did write the list, but I didn't want to face the cunt again so I sent her down with it.

Ash came at half 12 and we played Guitar Hero 5.
Mam was gone for fucking hours, so we got to play on the drums without being ranted at. I managed to get a few diamond ranks on the challenges. Expert + is ever so fun.
Then we swapped to GH: Greatest Hits - Ash wanted to go on drums, so Shelly stayed on guitar and I went on vocals. We each picked two songs - Shelly picked Electric Eye and Bark At The Moon, Ash picked Heart-Shaped Box and Beast And The Harlot and I picked Caught In A Mosh and Play With Me - and only one of those six songs is of a moderate difficulty - the other five are all well high in the setlist.
I do know the majority of the songs on GH:GH though - and the ones I don't know, I could take a good guess at.

When mam came back, we expected her to have a rant at Ash - but instead, she came bearing the top hat that Mally had said he'd lend me for Spieluhr and a MUSIC BOX. :D
Well, it's a jewellery box, but it does have a winding key and a spinning figure inside. Well... It DID have - but it's broken off. The tripod inside does still spin - so using a piece of putty rubber, I've fixed the little cat off my old charm necklace to it - and it makes a pretty cool replacement.
The box made me feel all nostalgic though - I remembered playing with it when I was little. :/

Ash of course, just HAD to try on the top hat:



Shelly and I ate some hot dogs - Ash declined them, as she was set to be having a big meal when she went home.
We must've spent like an hour deciding on what we were going to do. Seriously, we ought to plan Saturdays in fucking advance, we must waste at least 1/6 of the day pondering what we're going to fucking do.
I showed Ash one of my ideas for an RCP video - via the screening of Sally's First Movie - a badly animated video I made when I was like 15. I was ever so surprised when both Ash and Shelly were amused by it.
Following this, I let them have the run of my condemned files on Mr. Maxtor - I let them watch some random videos of me at this tender age. Sigh. Shelly said I was cute. I fucking wasn't, I was the biggest cunt ever at 15.
I'm not a cunt now, I'm just a twat. I seem to have improved.

Eventually - we decided on Evil Dead: A Fistful Of Boomstick.
It was so cool - Shelly and I were cuddled up under my duvet and Ash was sat on the end of the bed. I'm glad they both don't mind watching me play games, for I am one of these people who enjoys being watched. Ash and I were in fits at the orgasmic secretary - the one who sounds proper pleasured every time she exclaims the character's name.

"OH ASH... SAY SOMETHING HEROIC!"

I've now finished off the second level and I've saved it around halfway through the third one.
Shelly fell asleep on me at one point - and I could only put up with her snoring for 10 minutes before we made her wake up.
Of course, I also felt obliged to show them both some hilarious FMV movies from Leisure Suit Larry. Shelly was more amused than Ash - but I think they were both generally disturbed by the Harriet X Twiggy scene. :)

Ash sodded off at seven, so Shelly and I got some time alone again.
Shelly loves me - she's done that what she said she hates doing - and I fucking love it. I can't wait till after Christmas, then I'll join her in doing it also.
For tea, I made us chicken fingers and spaghetti. I had a random craving for them so I put them on mam's shopping list. I ate my spaghetti cold with three slices of bread, Shelly's was warm and she had two slices.

At 9:20, I went downstairs with Shelly and watched I'm A Celebrity with mam and dad. Today's episode was fucking hilarious like. I didn't realise watching someone force down fish eyeballs and bork several times could be so damn funny. Mam took her home afterwards.

I wanted to fucking do our RCP introductory video today as well. They both fucking knew I did - but NOOOO...

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I had a rethink about The Overseer costume. I've had a brainwave.
Who else wears a top hat and a suit jacket? Instead of wearing sunglasses, why not wear corpse paint like King Diamond? :)



I actually do think it would look pretty mint. Shelly agreed with me when she rang me.
Why she fucking rang me, I don't know - has she not spent enough time with me today, Christ's sake. Can I not have a fucking moment of peace.

With that being said, it wasn't just Shelly being annoying - we had Adam, ranting ten to the dozen about Matty - and we all know I don't give two flying fucks about him - so I danced around the point, only answering the comments I wanted to. Adam didn't bother me that much though - he didn't fucking upset me like Lewis did.
Problem with him is though, he doesn't fucking realise when he's actually upsetting me. I NEVER want to fucking discuss university, UCAS or anything fucking related - so when he's on a fucking rant about it, I'm obviously not going to be happy about it.
Then the fucking arsehole has the nerve to tell me to grow up and he doesn't understand my problems. Well who the fuck cares? I don't want him to fucking understand - did I tell him to? Did I say I wanted him to? He doesn't fucking NEED TO. And when I'm answering someone with ONE WORD ANSWERS, that clearly fucking means I don't want to talk about whatever they're discussing.
And from fucking university to then talking about the bastard film sequence - WHICH HE KNOWS I don't want to assemble or even THINK about - so that got me even more upset.

I'm fucking lapsed out to fuck at the moment - I have been for the past few days, since around fucking Thursday. There's only one thing that can lift me from it, and it's not going to happen - so I'm soon to abandon all hopes of ever getting out of this one easily.

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It's a good thing I didn't really have anything major that was bothering me this week. Well, there was the one thing that arose in Film Studies this morning.
Tuesdays are now assigned to be coursework lessons - so we were in the ICT suite on the 3rd floor, "doing coursework" - only I was attempting to do mine, but I had something stopping me.
I had all the clips I needed on my memory stick - they were all uploaded to the video editor fairly quickly - the same one I use at home - Windows Movie Maker, bog-standard, but it gets the job done. I had my script, I knew how I wanted it to look - I should have been all set to bung the clips together, save the project then edit all the sound at home with WavePad and dub it together.

But I think I'm scared of assembling it. I know there's some clips that haven't worked quite as well. I knew that there would be some jumpiness between certain clips - hence the reason I filmed some "filler clips" - just close-ups of objects and surroundings to break the flow and ease the jump from clip to clip - I did make some form of effort to sort it out. But I just know it's not going to turn out as I'd hoped. Fair enough, the trailer didn't, The Wheelchair didn't. When I wrote Regenbogen Strifen - that didn't.

And the problem is, I'm not even sure WHY I'm so scared of assembling it. :/

I would have told Dianne about this in our session - but it was cancelled.
I worked it out after sitting on the stairs by the room for 15 minutes - then giving up.
She'd actually sent me a text - but I only realised this when I got home and read it.

I told Sarah too - but she said I should just bite the bullet and assemble it.
I did tell her about my Plan B - if it went TOTALLY tits-up and wouldn't get anywhere near a decent grade - I'd take film stills and do the digital storyboard option. But that isn't the point - I shouldn't HAVE TO - I wanted to do the fucking FILM OPTION!

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Wednesdays are just shit - it seems that nothing is ever going to change that. They always have been shit and as far as things have been going for the past 305 blogs, they always will be shit.
 
Tutorial was a pointless chore - just a rant presented in the form of a Powerpoint presentation from this gadge who is in charge of financial shite at Teesside Uni - but I did learn one thing - that scholarship Sarah mentioned; there's no hope in hell of me getting it. The tariff is 400 UCAS points - and there's no way I can get 400 from only three A2s. Fail.
 
Media Studies was an even more pointless chore - AM set us off doing some pointless "rebranding Teesside" work - and I utterly refused to work with nose-up-her-arse-Hannah - coz she's a fucking slag. Thus I was working alone, AM said I could work with Lewis - but Lewis has disappeared off the face of the planet this week. He better be back next week. :(
 
So up until now, the day was just a pointless load of faff - but when Photography came around - I got hyper off my tits - for no apparent reason. Hyper to the point where I thought it was hilarious to kick Shelly's pinhole camera across the car park. IT PROPER ROLLED. No seriously though, it WAS funny - just Shelly was in a pissy mood, so she decided to shout at me. So I proper bounded off back into college and she couldn't catch up with me because I had a massive lead and was walking faster.
 
Sometimes Shelly does this thing where she mentions something that REALLY doesn't need to be brought up - and she MUST do it just for the sheer sake of causing shit. Today she decided to turn around and say:
 
"I found a blonde hair in my bed this morning. It could have been yours, or it could have been Charlie's... OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN MARIA'S!"
 
And I'm like: "WHAT. YOU HAD YOUR EX ROUND."
 
She goes: "Yeah, I said I had A FRIEND round yesterday."
 
Thus, this destroyed my hyper mood. And when I drop from a hyper mood to a sad one - I LAPSE TO FUCK. So it's fucking obvious why I got so upset and refused to let Shelly touch me.
Then once again, she ignores my statement of DON'T TOUCH ME and tries to fucking hug me every three seconds. I mean seriously, can she not fucking listen?
 
Then when she tried to be violent back with me, I slapped her - so she wandered off to the table and sat and cried to herself - while I stood behind her with my half-empty water bottle, ready to BLUDGEON HER if she said the wrong thing.
 
When I had to go to film studies - Shelly stood in my way.
Now for one, it's a fucking stupid idea to stand in my way anywhere - but to stand in my way INFRONT OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? I hadn't realised how fucking stupid Shelly was.
 
I had to fucking fight my way past her - and after a run-in with some teachers at the door:
"FUCK OFF."
"Langage!"
"I'm sorry, but: SHE'S PISSING ME OFF - SHE WON'T MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, I HAVE A LESSON AND SHE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES."
 
After I finally fought past her - film studies was yet another wasted effort.
AM told everyone to "think of ideas for their film sequences" - and there's me, having already wrote my whole script THREE WEEKS AGO.
 
I sat right at the back of the room and because I had no other means to hurt myself, I repeatedly hit my knuckles with one of my beasty silver pens until they were red and sore.
 
AM did have a look over my script - she says there's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing I really have to change. She seems more excited about it than I am.
And bloody Ash seems more excited about Spieluhr than I am - it's so frigging weird.

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

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If I was at college this week, I'd have been seeing Dianne today.
Since I've agreed to attend another block of sessions, I really need to think about some issues I'm going to address.
As much as I'm going to despise it, I'll have to talk to her about that period of time that must not be discussed - 1996-2006. Or "5 to 15" as I call it when it's mentioned.
 
Regardless, there's a lot of things that are bothering me.
Though I'm starting to realise causes behind some of them - I'll get an idea, but then I'll doubt it - I'll ponder if it truly is the real reason behind something. Despite the fact I'm right about virtually everything, I have doubts if I'm right about this or not.
 
If only I could express my feelings through my creative assets like I used to.
I can't write, I can't draw - I haven't made any wav. mixes for ages, I'm starting to suck at Photography - the only thing I really have left are videos. Yes, I haven't lost my skill when it comes to writing scripts - but all these ideas I have, all the scripts I've written and planning sheets I've done - will they all be wasted?
 
If that's the case, I won't have anything left. Sigh.