Updating @ MindSay

So it's been how many months since I've written here.. Heh, well, a lot has changed indeed. I'm still in Ohio with the love of my life, Justin. Granted, I'm really unhappy with him right now, I still love him to death and we've been absolutely great.
Back in January we got a 2 month old puppy, Bella. She's an Australian shepherd/border collie mix with blue eyes. Weighed 6 pounds when we got her, now weighs 60+ pounds. She's still a big baby. :)
Justin went back to work at the university a month or so later, for the spring semester. During the summer, he had off work so we spent every day together.. all day. Overall, it was a good summer (I say was 'cause he's back to work now.. another thing I'm upset about. More on that later.) but there are some things I'm rather angry about.
First the good stuff. We went fishing A LOT. One day, caught 70 pounds worth of channel catfish. We gave those to Dave for his dad, who loves catfish. ...Eek. I only catch 'em. The only fish I'll eat is tuna. How weird. Anyway. Then, the first week of July, my mum flew Justin and I up to Massachusetts. We had a great week... went to Plum Island to fish and caught nothing but a sunburn. (o_0) Went to New Hampshire for Justin to experience tax-free shopping, Lawl. Showed him my old house in Ipswich, and went to pick strawberries at the orchard. We really didn't do a whole lot, it was mostly showing him where I grew up and junk. It sucks so bad 'cause I just miss home even more since we came back to Ohio... I hate it 'cause everything here is Justin's... I feel like I'm living in his life.. all I see when I look around the apartment is his stuff... his past... all the shit he shared with his cunt of an ex. Nothing here is mine except a box and a few bags of stuff I brought with me.. I don't feel like this is our stuff, our life.. It's his.
All the shit he brought from their old place.. the boxes still have HER name on them... what makes it worse.. he doesn't understand. "Technically it's ours" ...sorry baby, but.. shut up. Not at all. Not to mention that everything around here makes me think of his past shit... all the things he's done with other people. I have no memories from this state except the ones that I created by moving here. I don't think he understands how much of a fucking sacrifice I made to be with him. And he does NOTHING to make me feel better about it.. Example.. I have a really hard time trusting people... Justin included. and he's been giving me more and more reasons to not trust him.. For one, I found out that he has pictures of his ex (amongst other girls that aren't me) in his wallet... I call him on it.. he says it doesn't matter.. it's the past.. all that cliche shit. I tell him  there's no fucking reason for it... if it doesn't matter, fuckin' get rid of them. He knows for a god damned fact that it upsets me and he does nothing about it. And also, I stumble across new profiles of his on various dating sites that he created 5 months after we started dating. ...I call him on that one too. He says bullshit about "I'm a guy" ...and that he was "curious" ......... Are you fucking kidding me!? How many guys do I know that wouldn't do that shit if they have a girlfriend that they truly love? If you're as happy as you say you are with me.. there is no fucking reason to be curious about what else is out there. Are you planning something in case we break up? A fucking back up slut? I asked him a thousand questions.. Am I missing something? Not tall enough? Blonde enough? skinny enough? Not slutty enough? Not a bitch? Don't look like a fucking transvestite? (All his so called favorites on the sites.. looked like fucking dudes. I said that, too. He replied: "Maybe to you!") Wow.
I didn't know he could be such an asshole. Either way, I made him feel like total and complete shit. But did he do anything about it? Take a guess. Nope. I'm wondering... where was I when he made these profiles? How honestly happy is he with me... does he love me as much as he claims? Does he deserve my trust? What the fuck else is he gonna do/has he done?
He's made so many promises to me.. and hasn't kept most them... Most of the shit he told me.. has proved false. He's not nearly as attentive and affectionate as he claimed. "I can't wait to cuddle with you every night.." <-- yeah, uh huh. Only after sex. For a very minimal time, actually.
I've been here almost a year, and he still hasn't helped me in finding a job.. and gets all "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole." make me feel guilty dramatic shit whenever I fucking say that.
Now, he's back to work... promised we'd go out Thursday and look for a job... then goes and tells his boss yes, I'll work Thursday when he was only scheduled yesterday and today. God, I'm so angry.
Well, needless to say, I've been very unhappy... every time I try to talk to him, it makes things worse, so I've been keeping everything to myself. And I will continue to do so until I explode in a fit of rage. Good times, right?

Who knows, every little thing is adding up fairly quickly now and I've been crying on and off since last night.. Maybe I'll force myself to get through the exploding tonight. I need to see change happen... I'm slowly getting more and more homesick because of his fucking shenanigans. I don't love him any less, I just don't trust him for shit. If I didn't love him as much as I do.. I've be calling my mum and telling her to get me home. But because I do.. I believe we're going to be together a long time... if not forever.. I feel like it's worth fixing. I need to tell him all of this (some of it again, some for the first time.) but either way, he needs to know exactly how I feel... and how strongly I feel it. 'cause if I simply tell him, it won't help.. he needs to feel what I feel.

Let me now get back to the good stuff, 'cause I'm feeling more determined, less pissed off. :)
For Dave's birthday, we made him a catfish cake since he loves catching them so much. It came out great! We actually make a double layer sheet cake, and carved the catfish out of that. Frosted it, covered it in fondant(sugar paste) and added the details; whiskers, tail, fins, lips. We even got the type of bobber he uses, and attached it to a circle hook, and attached the whole thing to the cake. The inspiration for this being one day when we were fishing, Dave's bobber disappeared and the next thing we saw was it "swimming" away. The fish pulled it through a fallen tree and it snapped the line. So, somewhere in the lake is a huge cat with a bobber attached to it. Heh, heh. Anyway, he LOVED the cake. Justin and I are going to open a bakery one day. Sooner than later hopefully.
Other stuff that happened this summer: ->I took a part-part time job taking care of a couple's animals on the weekends. They have two dogs and three cats. Justin comes with me and we bring Bella.. the dogs have a great time together and we have fun watching them do so. :D Good pay for two days, too. :) I still need a during the week job, though.
->Justin and I have decided that we're going to write/make a movie. Doing plenty of research and planning for that.
->Opening a bakery.
->Finding a new place in November.
->What I love about when Justin and I talk.. he talks about the future.. like the house he wants and he always says "we" like he secretly (:P) wants me to be in his life for that. That's how I know he is just a big dummy who doesn't quite realize what he's doing. I just need to really get it through his skull that it's not okay and he needs to give me more reason to trust him.. we'll make it work.
->Seen a bunch of movies
->enjoyed the weather
->Got bored of writing this. :P
I just sent Justin a long ass text. and I've bored of writing. we've got to go look for a job when he gets outta work today and call the aquarium place today about our fishies.

[Over and out.]
-Jess

Here I am, updating from my newly built computer. It's everything I want and more, but I've encountered issues.

It's probably stemming from my selection of operating systems. I chose to get Vista Premium 64 instead of XP. My system runs it fine for most things. It's very fast and responsive. The issues I'm having are with the virtual machines and gaming. Blue screens of death occasionally pop up.

This really sucks considering I put in thought about the best compatible parts...

I'm considering taking it apart and rebuilding it soon. I have all the materials I need for a second go around, obviously, but it's the fact that the more I touch it and mess with it and fuck with it, the more likely a part's going to die on me... Oh well. I'm gonna give it a shot.

Here is a recent update of our back yard and the compromise we struck for our Son's Graduation Open House.  It (his graduation open house) has come and gone.  He's due to move out and start at OTC in six days!  His Open House party went really well, and he got some great gifts from many.  It lasted until 1:00 am around the bon fire out back.  I am still really tired from all the work it took to put it together, and very thankful for all the help from friends and relatives. Our yard is now re-landscaped, with a full head of green grass and only one large wood pile with a tarp separates us from our neighbor's pig pens.  So that I agreed to keep in place for the open house.  We lucked out and were loaned all the chairs, tables, coolers and tent!  I am so grateful!

  Right now we are working on putting up a pole barn roof in the back woods for the year's wood to go under -- and not under the tarps in the yard business!  That way next year when our Daughter graduates, she can have a  landscaping-stress-free Mom and Dad, a rut free yard, no junk or debris to trip over and flowers for all to admire.  He gets a road to his pole barn and I get no more ruts!  He gets no more tarp strained shoulders, and I get a full grass lawn again!  This is phase one, which includes my Pottery Kiln Shed and a new roof with a sky light over my kitchen.  I need him to take out some "wife insurance" so I don't go bazerko this next winter.  I need LIGHT!   Phase two will be the converted garage for more living space and a new basement level garage with an Art Studio/workshop above it for phase three.  There is finally a plan with the home equity loan to finance it and some light at the end of this tunnel!

I know that things were really shaky for a while between my hubby and I.  I didn't realize he needed a map of my limitations.  I just thought if you were married to someone, that they care about you and your feelings,  that you know them well enough to see, understand and respect their limits, and  that you do all it takes to learn what they put up with and won't put up with before you go hurting them over and over.  But I was wrong again.  Men need maps, and a legend and a NS & EW compass on everything that women expect.  ( Banging head into desktop in repetitious manner)  But if we women were to play dumb about our man's limitations like that, we'd be history in their lives.  They'd just dump us and move on to the next woman who cooks, cleans and sorts their dirty underwear while they sit in an air-conditioned office talking to sales reps in New York or Mexico, so they can come home and go straight out to work at their second job without a moment's glance her way, and come in expecting a hot meal and a warm bed.  (Okay, so I still have issues.  But it is finally coming to the point that we are working out our needs for respect.)

yeah...soooooo...

look at me go...updating and all that fun stuff

Nothin new really, car accident, cracked ribs, pretty much hating all deer, want to move back to the cities REALLY bad, brother almost died via hockey stick for stealing my cookies, kind of slightly irritated with people online that don't know the whole story and I guess just kind of  assume and control things how they see fit because instead of just asking they expect to be told...

I wouldn't have made the effort to get him back if I had some one else... 

but whatever, I was told to update and here I am...updating...about nothing...

night and picking up Michelle's bad (...) habbit along the way...it's contagious I tell you!

I do. I sometimes just get an idea in my head and look up every piece of information available about the subject.Only then am I satisfied to move along to the next thought. Sometimes I think I have a touch of OCD haha.

Anyway...the thought in my head today was how to get a nicer bathroom. I like the one we have, but I often think of how *and if* we could upgrade, what I would want in my bathroom to replace the things that are already there. I have a nice shower head, but I have always loved the idea of having a multi-head shower. Of course, then I would want to change the bathtub itself. I can't have a see-through shower, though, because my son likes to walk in on us and we need as much privacy as we can get! As for the sink, I am sure I could work with something really unique with a nice spigot.  An entire bathroom suite might be even better, since I would keep on upgrading till we had no money left. I guess it's good we live in an apartment, or else I would have a beautiful bathroom and nothing else HAHA.

Hope you enjoyed looking through my dream bathroom ideas.