University @ MindSay 
college
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem Child
I fucking hate one-to-one tutorials.
I was already depressed, and all the things I dicussed with Sarah today didn't help my mood at all.
For a start, she thinks I'm eligible for a university scholarship. We're unsure on the exact amount of UCAS points needed, because two websites say two different things. Either way, I won't meet either of the requirements, because I'm a failure.
That and the fact I don't even plan to go to the university open day next Wednesday that I've signed up for. For one, I'm not totally sure on where I'm supposed to go. I'm useless like that. I'm also too nervous, so I'd fuck it up anyway. So I'm not going to go. But, if I don't - I'll have to go to my lessons, indeed, risk being asked why I'm not there - namely by Sarah - and what am I supposed to say? And how do I expect to get anywhere if I don't go to these open days. Sigh.
Oh, and she's asked Dianne to take me on again for more sessions.
I feel like I'm abusing the system. Dianne is only supposed to see students for 8 weeks. Last year, she saw me for 20. And here I am the next year wanting/needing to go back? She helped a tiny bit, but how much am I actually expecting?
One-to-one tutorials are meant to only be 15 minutes - but because I'm such a shaking mass of issues and problems, Sarah was lumbered with me for 50.
Sigh.
And tonight when I got home, I did that what I haven't for so long. It felt so good too. It bled a lot. I've cut a lot of them - oddly enough, my right arm is worse than my left one, which makes no sense, me being right-handed and all.
Delhi, India, June 29, 2009 – Its admission time again in almost every college across the country and student housing is one of the biggest needs fresher needs. To help new students make the right decision about where to stay around campus, SearchMyCampus is extending all its efforts towards increasing the amount of information it offers regarding student housing.
The team has extended all its resources to go out on field and make personal contact with housing providers across various campuses. They are helping housing providers post classifieds on the website advertising student property for rent. They are also encouraging students to post their requirements for roommates. As a result, no matter what the student's budget or location, they should be able to find a suitable room and roommate near the campus with little or no difficulty.
Besides classifieds, the team is also working on answering several questions that students have regarding housing such as 'What are the best areas to stay at around Delhi University' or 'What kind of rents can we expect for paying guest accommodation around Bangalore University '. This information is being collected by the website's student representatives on campus. It is advice by senior students to freshers coming to college. While this feature is only available for select campuses at present, the team hopes to expand it to a large number of universities within a short period of time.
"We hope to offer students all the information they require regarding housing. This includes classifieds, tips and information, and a discussion forum where they can put forth their queries and have alumni or existing students answer these", says Peyush Bansal, founder of SearchMyCampus.
While preparing for students' housing need at the present admissions time, the team is also looking ahead to freshers' needs on joining college. They will be publishing similar data and information for categories like books, tuitions and part time jobs soon.
About SearchMyCampus: SearchMyCampus is India's Number 1 campus based classifieds website for students at college. It offers classifieds for jobs, housing, books, coaching, transport, carpools and more. The website caters to over 130 universities across the country at present.
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I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.
I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.
I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.
The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.
To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.
If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.
The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.
I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.
I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...
My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.
During the writing process:
1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.
2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.
3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.
4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.
5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.
After it's complete:
1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.
2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.
3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.
4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.
5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.
DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.
I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?
If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.
It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.
Goddammned TFATH.
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Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.
I haven't done what I did for a few months.
I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.
It seems not.
Now I feel like I've let her down. :(
I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.
I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.
It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...
I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.
First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.
I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.
I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.
Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.
I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.
It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink...
I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...
Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit... :(
I don't like this at all. Every time I try to get things together, it all just falls apart around me. I give up.
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