Unhealthy @ MindSay

So, ive been getting thinner lately. thats not a good thing. Im 5 foot 6, and i did weigh a hundred and forty pounds. over the summer, i stopped eating. well, not completely. but im the girl who could go to macdonmalds and order three meals. i went from a supposedly healthy looking [if not slightly chunky, in the ohh geeze my pants are tight but i dont wanna go to a size seven way] 140 pound chicky, to a 125 pound thinny kid. and i have a bigger ass than most people my size. this is where i roll my eyes, because i get teased about it. but i loves me jiggly butt. now, dont get me wrong. i have No issues with my body. i accept it, embrace it, and love it. but.... im hungry all the time. when i eat, i get pictures of me, overweight, and alone, then i feel sick. its not even being overweight that scares me, because im pretty sure i wouldnt care. its being unhealthy. i already have chest pains when i walk, due to fast food and being out of shape.

 

Started college last tuesday. i was soo close to quitting.. then on friday, it just changed. im sticking with it. i really love to work with children, and i want to do early childhood intervention.

 

heres your thought for the day-  why do we do it, even when we know its bad?

 

Greys Anatomy-- this thursday!! <3 o'malley

i think something's wrong with me. i'm getting the chest pains and all that again, and i haven't had them this bad in a long time. usually it's due to stress, but i think that part of this is related to my huge amount of binge eating over the break. i kid you not- i have NOTICIBLY gained weight since Tuesday. that is DISGUSTING, I'm DISGUSTING!! i wish there was someway to take it all off by tomorrow when everyone comes back, but oh well. i have no idea why i've been treating my body so shittily. (yes, it is a real word.) perhaps it's because i'm depressed? normally i'd just cut, or when this case stuff was going on a year ago i'd go to Nam, but now i can't cut cuz no one will wanna fuck me, (like they will anyway when they see how much of a cow i am), and i don't have Nam or anyone else to fucking go to anymore. I'm so fucked up. fuck, i don't know what to do. i'm lost.:(

i tried to start a diet at the beginning of the week. it hasn't been working. not only can i not get myself to eat healthily, but I can't even get myself to not compulsively eat. One thing that people tell you to do when you go on a diet is to only eat when you are truly hungry. not when you're craving something, not when you feel like eating, but when you start to feel that incredible pain that many people face everyday and don't have a choice. of course, if you're only starting to feel it then it's not incredibly painful....just enough to hurt and make you say, "i need to eat", and like many (but not all) Americans, food is most likely available at that point. i can't stick to it, though. i mean, i usually eat a lot of fatty foods the week before and somewhat during my period, i know that, but i really need to gain control. i've been letting it slide and stopped caring, and I can't let that happen anymore. I wrote an entry a couple days ago that said just how much weight i've gained. this isn't healthy and i don't know what to do to gain control. like, i used to be able to punish myself by cutting, but i can't anymore, especially if i want to keep seeing Jimmy on a regular basis. He's not going to want to see or feel my stomach all cut up, which is exactly what would happen. Does anyone have any advice for me? i just want to be healthy.

i've found myself with an unhealthy amount of aggression as of late...

i don't know whether is a result of the recent events... or whether it's just a build up of frustration and disappointment.

I enjoy the simple things in life, having friends, family, food, warm showers, etc... but that said, life without purpose kills me! At the moment, life has pretty little purpose to me. I don't really have goals (well not... good ones anyway :P)... and i don't really have a schedule!

Hmm... i think i've got some kind of illness as i'm feelin that tiny bit sick... and the weather sucks! I think my mood (and perhaps health) fluctuates like the Melbourne weather... perhaps even with it :).

Anyway, as you requested MP.. here's a pic of my fish Oscar and his posse. Sorry it isn't a very good picture... it's kinda hard to take pictures of fish...!!



On a more positive note, my algae cleaner has been cleaning a bit of algae... it's creeped out of it's hiding spot for a few snacks of algae a couple times now... it only takes a few quick bits before running back tho... i guess it's building its confidence hahaha... :P