Unhappy @ MindSay

So I cut my wrist today. I don't feel like getting into it right now. I've already felt guilty about it all day today.

I sent an email to my parents asking if I can come home, but I haven't told them anything else though. I'm thinking about emailing my family doctor and telling him what I did, so that when I come home he can direct me to where I need to go. I want to go to a psychiatric hospital until I can get myself in a stable mindset. I'm still in Germany, so this will all have to wait until I can manage to get everything prepared on this end.

I'm debating on going to class tomorrow. I don't want to wear a patch on my wrist and I don't want people to see it and ask me anything, besides it's too hot to wear a long sleeve shirt.

I wish I knew what was going on inside my head. I'm no longer sure how I feel.

When I think about dad, even though I know I'm sad, I don't feel sad. I can't say that I'm happy although I'm not unhappy. I feel as if I'm just going through the days. In a way I guess I feel numb but it's not the same numb as I felt right after dad died.

My thoughts are so jumbled, my emotions churning, yet I can't read my own emotions. All I know is that I feel down and I want to crawl into the arms of my love and be held as I cry.

Well I'm 21 now...

Nothing's really changed. I don't feel older or wiser, nor do I look it. However I do feel that another milestone birthday has gone and passed me by. I've yet to accomplish all the things I said I would and now I just feel depressed. I keep telling myself I do all of this by my 18th birthday....I'll do all of this by my 20th birthday...I'll do all of this by my 21st birthday. And you know what? I never do any of it. I feel like my whole life is filled with empty promises to myself.

So I can buy alcohol now..whoopdidoo. It's not like I didn't drink beforehand.

Ugh. It must be one of those days for me now....

Tschuess!

.Friday, I asked a man I know from the area what it was like dating in a city in which there are more people with HIV than in all of Nigeria? He said, "Well, I have HIV." Awkward.

 

.If you must know, I'm really not very happy here. I have one friend. And we're kind of dating, so he doesn't count. It's just a constant cycle... paying for the metro to work, riding it to work, not getting paid at work, eating with the little money I have, and going home on the metro. Sometimes I spend a somewhat large chunk of my already dwindling money on a movie. Sometimes I get to hang out with the guy I'm sort-of-dating. Really, there is nothing to live for. And now I know why people kill themselves. Luckily, I'll be back at school in just a few weeks. I'm actually honestly looking forward to going back to school. And then... what? A different cycle? Sigh. Life.

 

.Maybe money would make me happy. Maybe I should sell drugs. Yeah.

in one of "those" moods again...its amazing how seeing the stupidest shit can just bring u down n make u think of all those insecurities n all the ways you're not good enough n all the "my life would be better if i was this way" thoughts. i'm not sure if i'm really not happy with life or if things that just remind me of my unhappiness keep happening because really i do have a lot of good things going for me right now...i think. i don't know what's wrong and at the same time i do, and i have the power to change those things but at the same time i don't...cuz i'm classified under chickenshit. (let's see how many of u get that if any, haha) anyway now i gotta go tutor- well first i gotta pee first, but yeah- i'm sorry i'm never here anymore. i don't really feel like i'm here most of the time, too. i've been feeling really detached from ppl lately n i don't know why. i've even been feeling that way towards anna, but we talked a couple times this past week n that was awesome...well the shit we talked about sucked, but for some reason i always feel better after talking to her. i guess its just nice to feel like there's someone in the world i have a connection with since i don't really feel that way here...if i ever did...