Unhappiness @ MindSay

I'm really a horrible blogger.  I vanish for a few months and then blog something.  Doesn't that remind you of someone else who vanishes for months (or half a year)?  Perhaps he's rubbing off on me.

This blog is the last blog I'll be typing from this apartment.  Tomorrow everything will be moved across the parking lot to a two bedroom that has a balcony, a larger kitchen, a dishwasher and where the bathroom sink is actually in the bathroom.  Most of me is excited, yet another small part of me feels a tad bit sad simply because this happens to be the first apartment Josh and I ever shared together, thus it has sentimental value to me.  The change is, however, quite necessary.  Everything is cluttered and I can't stand cooking in a cluttered kitchen, I really can't.  I can't organize things the way I want to because the space we've had for the last two years has become smaller and smaller, leaving no room for organization to be even remotely possible.  And if I can't organize my home, I can't organize my thoughts and then everything else continues to be disorganized and effects my performance in all areas of my life and I just can't have that.  More space means more organization which means a less stressed and very happy Farrah.  Then Josh could be happier, too. 

I'm not saying I'm unhappy; just saying that things can go a little more smoothly with some good old fashioned organization.  I need to make it to where the bills can be found without having to search in three different spots.  Washing dishes won't take half an hour because I was too tired or lazy to do them for a few days.  I can even probably get a couple of plants and hang them outside or something.  Put a comfy chair and a little table out there and I'll be able to read in the sunshine like I remember fondly doing in California so often. 

Oh, no, there's no way I can be unhappy.  It would really be a waste of time to even try.  Josh won't let me remember what unhappiness truly is.

It took me a while to figure out why I'm having such a difficult time laying down and closing my eyes.  Suddenly it occurred to me that July 7th had arrived and it just crept in out of nowhere.  Four years ago, I married a man that I thought I could settle for and in a way I felt I owed him for allowing me to stay with him rather than being stuck in a tiny two bedroom house with ten or more people in it.  I think I felt I could help him learn to live rather than wait to die.  Living with an enlarged heart and congestive heart failure cannot possibly be easy, but life wasn't over yet.  If time is short, then one must make the most of it.  Apparently, my trial was a failure from the moment I said "I do."  I cannot say that I loved him the way a wife should love her husband, but I loved him as a any friend would love a friend.  I wanted to be there for him and help him find sunshine before his last day arrived.  I tried and failed.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough.  If I tried more, maybe his personality wouldn't have changed so completely after we married. 

So, I'm struggling with this because this is the first year I can't make a choice to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry for leaving you.  Can we try to be friends?"  I can't fix it.  I don't have any chance to mend our relationship to where we could at least have a friendship.  He's been gone since November.  Sometimes I have nightmares about him coming back and succeeding in strangling me.  Or the knife he threw at me found a home in my neck.  And the only thing I feel in those dreams is that I deserve the treatment.  For some god awful reason, I deserve every single bad thing that ever happens to me.  I know it's not true.

And then I begin to wonder if Josh is even making the right decision in wanting to marry me.  Of course we won't be getting married until next Spring due to some financial issues.  Which, of course, is ultimately my fault because I can't seem to keep a job. 

I swear to the gods, I'm going to hyperventilate and just kill over one of these days.  I want to turn my brain off, but once it gets going it just won't stop.  It goes from one thing, to another, to another... Just an endless list of failures and moments where I lack the effort to do things right. 

I even tell Josh some of my thoughts.  In a way, I'm glad that I'm able to tell him.  Other times I scare the crap out of him.  For two weeks solid, all I wanted to do was vanish off the face of the Earth.  Just go where nobody could find me and where nobody knew me.  I wouldn't contact my past at all, just live a life of loneliness, just like I deserve and not look back.  Yes, that included Josh, simply because I don't want to fail anymore.  I even went as far as telling him that I absolutely refused to marry him.  I don't want to hurt anybody, yet all I do is hurt someone.  Always!  I hurt somebody when I came into the relationship I'm in right now.  It was wrong.  Even after all this time, I still feel the guilt.  It's like lead in my soul, just weighing me down...  So much guilt for everything I've done in my life.  And I just know that I'm going to keep failing.

Everything's going to work out somehow.  Somehow... it just has to... I'm tired of running, of hiding, of crying and failing.

My roommate is crying and she's really upset; I don't know what to do or how to help. Do I try to comfort her, or do I just leave her to her friends?

I hate not knowing what to do.

I hate feeling useless in situations like this.

I hate when other people are unhappy and I'm on top of the world. It feels so... wrong, like I'm betraying someone.

I wish to not be such a loser
I wish to not be gay
I wish to not be a druggie
I wish to be beautiful
I wish to feel good about myself
I wish to not lie anymore
I wish to find compassion in others
I wish to forget my past
I wish to not exist
I wish to find happiness
I wish to be left alone
I wish to escape my hell
I wish to go back in time
I wish to change it all
I wish to cope with life
I wish to run away from everything
I wish to have everything run away from me
I wish to sleep forever
I wish to have my dreams come true
I wish to leave it all behind

Wishing is for children and fools. I know none of this will ever come true.

I have recently realised something that I had been vaguely aware of for some time.

 

I am, generally, unattractive to the opposite sex.

 

It is not because of my looks. Sure, Calvin Klein aren't going to ask me to model for them any time soon, but I wouldn't say I'm visually unappealing. These days, I dress fairly well, ensure my hair looks good, and take care of my personal hygiene rigorously.

 

It's more because of my manner. Somebody summed it up perfectly the other day - everything about me is awkward. I project no confidence in any way.... I even walk unconfidentally, apparently.

 

Now, there's an important thing to consider: I'm not, in myself, completely unconfident. Sure, I have the tendency to become downcast when things don't go my way, and I don't have much in the way of self-esteem, but I don't so much lack confidence in my own abilities. It's more that I don't act confident. I sometimes struggle when conversing, because I don't know what to say, or if I do say something it ends up being stupid. I even think my reactions are slow...

 

It's one thing to acknowledge these problems, but I really need to do something about them, and soon. It's kind of a downward spiral - the more I struggle in social situations, or act in a self-concious manner, the less chance I'll have of gaining close connections with other people, and the more down I'll get, which will finally lead to me being even more self-concious and awkward socially, and on it goes.

 

Anyway, these are things I need to combat. What is my ultimate goal, after all? To find love. Not too many girls are going to be interested in me with my current manner and mindset, which is why the chances of anyone actually falling in love with me are so low at the moment. Sure I'd like a girl to love me 'just for who I am', but I've got to actually make them interested in the first place. There has to be a bit of basis in attractiveness there, just as us guys mostly desire some physical attractiveness in girls, they desire a bit of confidence and whatever else in us. If I don't have it, I'll simply continue to be as lonely as I am now.