Understanding Life @ MindSay 
It's itching to conquer and take you
Itching to make a mistake out of you...
I often wonder if there is anyone out there who see things in a similar fashion to me. Is there anyone who has the same outlook on this life as yours' truly does. Is there another soul that has been shaped by this existence in a fashion that much like the way in which this life has affected me? Is there anyone out there who understands what I am attempting to say with this endless stream of nonsense?
I wonder...
But then again this is not an unusual thing for me and if you understood me you would know this to be the case without question. And if you had true understanding I would not need to place any words upon this page for you would already know what it is I wanted to say and these finger exercises that I perform upon this keyboard would be nothing more than a means to keep my hand-eye coordination sharp and my finger muscles nimble...
But being that understanding is not the case for I do not fully understand the inner workings of my brain and I cannot expect others to do what I cannot, I will spew the words that have been trapped in my brain out and allow others to digest them much like birds do. And if the imagery here makes you want to say, “Ew,” then maybe this and the 500 other meals that are offered here aren't for you. But on the other hand, if there is an understanding of this vivid picture well then maybe you have taken one step closer to knowing what lays behind the blue facade of my eyes...
Yes, I do have blue eyes. Thank you so much for trusting me to tell the truth...
So here I am sitting wondering if I can ever understand all that is in my brain and how my thoughts are like a primordial soup waiting for random events to occur so that they can join together into one living entity so that they can journey forth into this sea and seek out a new place that they can call home. And what if these thoughts formed a being that ventured forth from my head and wandered about this coffee shop as I sat here watching to see what these young ideas would grow up to be? And what if they grew up to be something of importance that would change this world for the better? Would I be a proud poppa that tells everyone about the glories of my offspring? Or what if they wandered around destroying all they come in contact with? Would I hang my head in shame and say, “No comment,” to all the reporters who wish to know how I could've given birth to such a monster? How will I know any of this until well after they have left the nest and set off on a life of their own?
Ye reap what ye sow, but how is one to know what exactly will spring forth from the seed and when does one know whether to let it grow or to yank it out by its roots and discard it upon the rubbish heap of eternity? At what point does one pull the plug on its life or allow it to recover and blossom into the flower we all knew it had inside it? When is the correct time to add a bit of fertilizer or to give it a healthy dose of weed killer?
There are so many unknowns, so many variables to this equation and even then the calculations may be incorrect and He who hath the big red pen shall mark the beast with an “F” and at the end of the year when all the other ideas more up, this idea will have to repeat a grade and try again to receive a passing mark. Wash, rinse, repeat until either it passes or it is asked to leave and never come back...
And such is the idea that has taken me through all these words until I've reached this point and I have turned my paper over and awaited instructions from my teacher...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
Someday everything is gonna sound like a rhapsody
When I paint my masterpiece...
And what picture shall I paint upon this canvas today? What palette will cover all my thoughts as I pick up a brush and begin to shape the world as I see it? What style will I use to show the world how I see it on this day? What will be the subtle hues that I choose to paint this masterpiece? Should I use large, broad strokes or delicate fine lines to give my impression of all that has been impressed upon me?
There are times such as these when I wonder why I see the world the way I do. Why is it that I can take a random thought and turn it into something that grows slowly, but I know will eventually blossom into something totally unexpected? There are so many things in this life that I will never truly understand and possibly I am so much better for this lack of understanding. I wonder if I ever do achieve some degree of understanding, will this bring an end to everything that can pour forth from my mind because I will be able to artificially manipulate the process. Will I become mechanical in my action and will all who read this realize that fact? Will understanding destroy creativity?
And that is what is on my mind - does knowledge kill creativity? Does complete knowledge of a subject destroy all the wonder and amazement found in something that lacks absolute understanding? If I had all the answer to all the questions, would I stop being me? Would my absolute understanding end all the wonderment that I possess as I sit here adding splashes of color to this previously blank canvas? But even above and beyond all that would impact me personally, would others still stop by if I possessed all the knowledge that I seek?
And I will begin with a sky blue as I gaze off to the heavens, wondering about all that is beyond my comprehension, all that is beyond the realm of a mortal man. Why is it that I have this uncontrollable urge to tell the world everything even if this everything happens to be nothing in particular? What is my ultimate purpose in being? Where will my journey go once my vehicle has been returned to the earth from whence it came?
And to my picture I will add varying shades of green for all the life that I see before. Large strokes of green that fill about half of my masterpiece, greens that are big and bold for al the world to see just as all can see me as I am, naked in this forest, celebrating the fact that I am alive and free in this world. I am here as whom I am and I have nothing to hide from and no one has to fear me being in their presence...
And subtle tones of brown will fill the lower portion of this painting that will remind me of where I can from, where my roots are, and where I will someday return. The earth gives us life and in it we shall live. And buried deep within the land we can dig up all that has come before and we will shine a light about that that has been hidden from us. The past though it is hidden can be unearthed at any time revealing who we really are, who we have become. And the truth is there for all to discover if only they take the time to dig deep enough...
And with delicate, fine strokes I will add small splashes of reds, yellows, purples and these will represent the fruits of my labours for though they may be sparse in number and few and far between, they are there never the less. And I will rejoice in the fruits that I have reaped for they are good, nourishing for the soul. And I take a piece and hand it to all those who wish to enjoy a taste. And though they are few in number, they will still shine brighter than all else in my life and they will be the first thing that many will notice of me and they may be the only thing that some will ever see in me...
And such is the masterpiece that I have painted on this day and that will hang forever in my gallery so that all may gaze upon and wonder at as long as they remain behind that velvet rope that separates me from the rest of the world...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
Listening to: Shu- Coccoon
I have been 18 for a whole day and I just can't believe how great it feels! I have been partying for the past 24 hours in non-stop mode and I feel like passing out any second now. Tonight we are going to be celebrating once again!!
I have this weird feeling in my stomach.. i don't know if it's just my hangover speaking... or if I'm actually getting this nostalgic flashback of something I have experienced before but I think I'm in love again.I know- it's so fast and irradical- but what started out as a fling over easter weekend developed into something much deeper and now my world can't stop spinning. I've never had a friendship with someone so upredictable and funny in my life!It's based on the randomnest conversations ever!
Maybe single life isn't all that it's cut out to be.. I think I have entered a new realm of understanding on this aspect- and if this does turn into a relationship I won't mind at all.
I'm off to bed now! Recooperating before tonights party starts again..
you never really expect anything bad to happen to you. you always hear about this kind of stuff but you think the chances of it happening to you are slim to none. but once something like this does happen to you, you cant fathom the immense pain. you cant believe it in the beginning. you think you’re in this nightmare and that youre going to wake up eventually. but reality is, this happens all the time. it happens to anyone. and it occurs whenever it wants to, with the blink of an eye. instantly. the emotional turmoil that people go through when things like this happen is vast.. the pain that one feels is unimaginable.. you only have so many tears.. you go through a stage of denial.. perfectly normal. you try to act cool and calm and not let your emotions get to you. you deny it and tell yourself this can't be real but you cant help but go into the next stage of anger. you start asking God why He would let this sort of thing happen. His reasons are ambiguous.. vague, unclear, uncertain. you cant help but blame Him, yourself, or whoever.. you just have to blame someone, something.. to feel at least some composure.. but no one is to blame here. then you go through bargaining with whatever higher power you believe in.. then depression.. dwelling on the pain that is encompassed with this experience.. immense sorrow.... and finally acceptance. don’t misunderstand acceptance.. you are able to move on with life, but you are not completely over the death. in fact you don’t really know how long it will take to get over it. heck, some never get over it.. but there are no mistakes and no coincidences. all events are blessings given to us to learn from. the most beautiful people that we know are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss, and have found their way out of the depths. after going through those experiences those people have an appreciation , a sensitivity, and an understanding of life.. they are compassionate because of that. beautiful people aren’t just born.
there isn’t joy without hardship. dichotomy- set of opposites.. one cant exist without the other. if not for hate would we ever know love? what im trying to say is that.. if there wasn’t death would we ever appreciate life…? we can either be negative and blame or we can heal and love.. but i know healing isn’t the easiest thing in the world. it takes time.. it’s not until you really realize that the time youre here on earth is limited and that you have no idea when your time is up that you really begin to live your life to the fullest. you have nothing to fear if you live each day of your life right..
it's been 6 months now, but the pain is still as strong as the day i got that phone call....
