Understanding @ MindSay

There are so many times I stop and wonder- am I really a child? What is a child anyway? Is it the retention of innocence, or the simple matter of age? I think all innocence I had is slowly starting to deteriorate into nothing. I'm understanding so many things that I never have before. One of the major things I'm starting to understand is evil.

Evil exists in every dark crevice, and sometimes disguises itself in light. It can wrap its thick claws around you and suck the life out of your soul. I've never realized this so much before until now. There really is true evil in this world and it's waiting for the destruction of innocence.

Part of this understanding is talking with real life Doms and subs, who have started to guide me. The BDSM lifestyle can be very very dangerous. Women smarter and more experienced than me have been roped into negative relationships, and beaten senselessly. How easy would it be for someone to take advantage of me, even in general?

That's the way Dave was. He took advantage of me..

I need to start protecting myself and really thinking about safety. I think that's why my parents have been so careful. It's truly a dangerous world. But my issue is understanding if I'm ready to take care of myself. I think I need to start learning how.

I can't expect any sympathy from him, only pressure, he pressures me with good intention, but does nothing but that, there is never support or understanding.

I try to make him realise that there are other, more human things to consider. He has to wonder why I am struggling at some point.

It was impulsive, shallow (no blood), but a little dangerously positioned, the only intention was to express how frustrated he was making me feel.
It didn't sink in, all I got was anger. He wouldn't blame himself.
I wanted to run out, but I stayed calm.

I haven't gotten through to him yet, the day it does, the memories will cascade painfully for him, but it's the only way, and better asap. No doubt he will blame me for feeling sad in reaction to how he treated me, and no doubt he will blame me for not making him realise sooner, that is unless he realised how suppressed I felt, which I've tried to say, but still, it doesn't sink in.

As long as I stay standing, as long as I will it, as long as I have determination, I have not lost. I face a lot of opposition in him but don't be daunted, hopefully we're winning slowly, (I even won over armani and candy) - so by no means am I failing, I just have a lot to do.

My sister-in-law, who lives down the street, just walked over as I am sitting on the porch with my laptop to chat with me, and the topic turned to God and why He allows things to happen in our lives we don't understand. I wondered aloud along with her at the mystery of Our Lord and His ways, and He told us His ways are not ours, yet there are times when life seems so crazy I would just like a glimpse into "His ways" for some security of future days and a sigh of relief for momentary lapses of reasons.

 

But then I think, how would we ever grow in Our Lord? How would our trust ever become stronger, how would our faith blossom in His grace if we didn't have the trials, the fires, the battles, the lost moments? We wouldn't. And as difficult as it is to be in the midst of the fires of life sometimes, my dear friends and others who are reading this.....hang on. Just hang on.

 

Soon we will understand.

 

Joseph

I would like to write about this today. I look around me and at the world at large and see how much the world has got us all entrenched in things material and external. Come to think of it, people judge me for what I wear or with the choices I make, good or bad. People measure me for how much I got in the bank or how high up the corporate ladder I’ve gone. People label me for the company I keep or my choice of friends. People size me up for the glitter and glitch I have hang up on my body or to what schools I send my children to or whether my car is of the latest model.

 

If that be the measure I would certainly stand no chance and those who have everything that pleases the eye would make the grade. But don’t get me wrong, wealth or position serve its own uses and purposes too. And if people work hard for it, it becomes a prize or just reward for achievement.

 

Yet there must be so much more to that.

 

You see, I’d like to be appreciated for who I am and not for what I have acquired for myself no matter how exquisite it may be, in physical or material terms -- Because I am definitely more than what I possess or do not possess.

 

This is the same gauge I use in people and life and the bigger world outside. There is more to what I see -- Positively more.

 

Those things which truly matter are hidden to the eye. Sometimes these things do not translate itself outwardly for some reason or another. It gets bundled up inside the person who has to tend with overwhelming odds or resistance or rejection or neglect. But it’s there quietly beating in the heart, waiting for its own true moment. And yet again because anything true and genuine cannot be muffled or stifled a hundred percent of the time all of the time, it somehow slips out in small gestures or snippets of expression too minute and often go unnoticed.

 

You can’t see these with the eye. Certainly cannot know how much hurt or pain or suffering is bottled up inside. Or how much good intent there is and why that person would concede to suffering. What if a person acts the way he does which may appear quite odd to others but because he seeks to protect a loved one or ease the burden of another and so does it anyway? When someone rubs you the wrong way and goes against your grain and pisses you off big time, but do you know what’s pushing him to be that way? Most people put up a lot of facades or masks or fences to hide things which they feel would not be accepted or understood by others. They build high walls to keep out other human beings who they think are out to fry them and break them down to pieces. And some pretend that they don’t need people at all – that self is sufficient and all that’s needed to live life with. More often than not, what you see in people isn’t what you get.

 

I see people – human beings who breathe the air I breathe, walk the roads I walk, dream the dreams I dream, play the same games I play, work the same jobs I work at, and know that we are all the same in our similarities and differences.

 

But the eyes of my heart can see well and better. It sees what goes on behind the facades and masks --- and understands. It can sift through the grain and pick out gems of feelings, thoughts, values, ideals, and intent. It understands that these are the things which truly matter. It knows that it is the person inside which is real and true and worthy.

 

"It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, for the

most essential things are invisible to the eye."

 

-- Antonie de Sainte Exupery

So, this is what I was really really hoping would not happen. It is almost 3am and I cannot get to sleep.

 

This is in all honesty is the longest I have ever gone without speaking to the girl I broke up with last week. I miss her voice. I miss her wit, I miss all the little things that make her who she is.

 

A lot of questions are popping up in my head, mostly, why. Why did it have to end? What went wrong? You get the picture.

 

I need sleep but even though I am tired as hell, soon as I lay down my head fills with thoughts of her, I can't stop them or block them out. I feel like I cannot deal with the thoughts, but what am I to do, I have to deal with them because what other choice is there, death? A little extreme to say the least.

 

I try  thinking of other things, but my mind strays back to her, always back to her. I thought her and I had a open line of communication, I thought we could tell each other anything, but now I am thinking I was totally wrong and somewhere, I missed something, something really important and totally fucked everything up.

 

What the fuck did I do?

 

Update:

 

Its now 7:20 am and I hardly slept a wink last night. I sure as hell do not feel like going to work, I don't think I can make it.