Understanding @ MindSay 
love
someone here is my CLOSEST male friend..
someone here is the SISTA that I never had..
and
someone here is the daughter that is the child-taken-away-cuz-I'm-gay
and the rest are those willing to accept me for WHO..not WHAT I am
We've decided (I let him choose what was appropriate because he has less time than I do), that we will talk a minimum of 2 hours a day. That was his suggestion, and I was actually surprised he wanted to commit that much time to me. I'm happy, of course. He says that he'll make it up another day, too, if he can't on one day. We'll have to see how well it works out. This is for the summer, of course. Because when I go to university in September, it will have to be less sometimes. We both understood that and it worked well during his exam week, and my exam week (different times), this past school year.
I was also upset that he would say he would do things, and not do them. Like come back on msn after gaming, or write me a letter, etc. He said he forgot. Which I guess, I sometimes *forget* that other people don't have the memory I do. I have a really good memory and often don't realize that everyone isn't the same. I try not to think, but sometimes let myself believe, that if something is important to you, you will remember it. That isn't always true though. No one can help what they remember, really.
He also made a point that he was forgetting to come back to the computer, or write a letter, not that he was forgetting ME.
We're trying. He was also frustrated that I felt he wasn't trying. Sometimes it seemed that he wasn't interested in the conversation, and wasn't making an effort to talk to me, or even wanted to. I'm *trying* to see that he tries. I just feel often that it's a one sided conversation, with me poking him with a stick and him grunting. But, I try to be realistic. It isn't always like that, and I try not to exagerate.
I think I feel secure in knowing now that he is trying, and that he does love me, and that I'm not the only one who wants to make this work.
: )
why can't i get you out of my mind? we have only spoken across the airwaves, yet we have so much in common, that we could practically have been siblings experiencing some of the same events together. i presume it is your kind understanding of me that has captivated my mind. I guess, since I have not encountered such kindness in a while, often experiencing judgment and blame, that for you to tell me I am not a bad person, just because of wrong choices, caused tears to well up in me that were bubbling to the surface even as we spoke.
sure, you said, people make mistakes; some are just more visible than others, and people are hypocrites to cast blame on the things they can see, while locking skeletons into their own closets, hoping no one will ever unveil what they are so aptly trying to hide. you said that what is done in darkness will be brought into the light and what done in secret will be shouted from the housetops. therefore, it is good for people to know where they stand with me, even if it shocks them at first. no one is perfect. Jesus understood that when he pardoned the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well, who had had five husbands and this one wasn't hers.
you lauded my talents, telling me that my creativity is ingenious; that I touch the heart of the reader as i place myself in the shoes of whom I am writing. you told me to believe in myself and my talents because I will go a long way if I but step out of the protective shell around me, and allow editors and publishers to see my work. you said to start writing my memoirs. you almost had me believing, almost...that I can do it...that i can succeed...
you are a tenderhearted preacher, and as I listened to every message you had posted on your site, at first just to hear what your sweet voice sounded like, I could tell why your people loved you. you indeed have the heart of a shepherd. your young people respect you, but love you enough to feel accepted and able to banter with you as well. i soon realized you were not the run of the mill man that a fallen woman could seduce, you didn't budge on that issue, albeit you laughed at her jokes, never making her feel small.
yes, you have invaded my house, my mind and my heart. because of your sweetness and determination to keep your integrity, yet counseling me to wholeness, I realize that there are, indeed, true Christians in this world. I shall go to sleep tonight, thinking of you, and perhaps, yes maybe, starting to believe in me.
thank you for being you; don't ever change. i will never forget you, and instead of seeing you as an intruder, I now can welcome you as a sweet part of me, the new me.
I don’t even know you. How could you possibly be worth my heart? This is the question that I must answer. I think I have found the true weight of the emotion used so carelessly by so many. Love [soft sigh]. I have often called love the most fickle emotion because people can love one moment and maim in the next breath. Love seems to be this elusive ‘sentiment’ that can be ‘given’ and then ‘retracted’ almost at will. It seems to me that love should be more permanent than that and love, it seems, should be impossible to control.
There this phrase I coined lately. “I more than love you.” Mr. Webster and I need to have a serious talk here because I’ve come to know the infamous ‘love’ on a personal basis but wouldn’t dare call this mind boggling, heart wrenching, all encompassing, life altering, uncontrollable, beast of an emotion “love”. Mere “love” as it is known, practiced and sought after wouldn’t begin to scratch the surface of what I have felt. I suppose that like so many other things, we’ve managed to water ‘love’ down, too. Where did I miss that episode of Survival in the Real World?
The Paradigm of two people who share a bond is that they never share a unified emotion. In my case, I’ve found an intense, deep, unconditional and totally focused desire to see another person happy. I’m convinced that there is not a more pure or genuine emotion experienced by any other human being. This is more than love. This is my heart.
Along comes ‘you’ now and she begins to fall for you. I want her happy. You seem genuine and you seem to genuinely care for her. Accepting you means forfeiting my heart and I have to know…
Are You Worth My Heart?
Over the last few days, I've been talking to an old friend who is a philosopher (actual one; he's working on his dissertation on pedagogy). We easily get carried away into talking out all sorts of things and the other night certainly was not much different. He explained about some of the materials he has read and has been writing on, one of which related to Erich Fromm's Being and Having. I, on the other hand, need to sometimes say things back to myself in order to get a full grasp on it, so I used an example from my life to better understand the concept.
Fromm spends a lot of time speaking on the difference betwen the having mode and the being mode. In the having mode, the main focus is on obtaining, possessing, consuming...individuals are defined by what they have and are motivated by those possessions (and having more of them!), which he also loosely relates to neuroticism. Whereas, in the being mode, the driving force is defined by your actions in the world: experiencing your life to the fullest (without a mask), relating to people, and being the truest form of yourself to the universe.
I happen to be a being type of person. Relatively early on, I've figured out what I wanted to do with my life in order to make an impct on the world around me. I am now in chiropractic school and I feel that for me this is the best method of accomplishing that goal. I am very passionate about helping people, which I've always strived for. I have also always been a people-person, very social, no concept of personal "bubble," just ask any of my friends. For whatever reason, I've always yearned for the simplest of human contact. In my case, I best respond to touch; I am very tactile, hands-on, which makes sense in my chosen profession. Beside my professional life, the remainder of time I spend around great people whom I love dearly and who add so much worth to this existence. Beside my "real" family, my friends have become a surrogate family whom I at many times feel closer to than my blood relatives. Blood isn't necessarily thicker than water! My boyfriend, who is my partner in life, is a firm supporter in the life that I live. Just the same as me, he focuses his life on being. The important things in our life are not things! We place a lot of importance on spending time and experiencing meaningful things together as well as with other people. We do not feel the need to spend large sums of money to express how much we love each other because at the end of the day the money runs out much quicker than true love.
Before I work myself into a frenzy over that, I want to mention the exact opposite. I will leave the names out of this story because they aren't necessary, but it is someone who grew up in the same household as me for over 20 years. I do want to preface this by saying that with this person I no longer have a very good relationship as a result of a series of events, which I do regret. Neither here nor there, she is in the process of eagerly awaiting her wedding date, which is a joyous occassion for most people as it is for her. In the time spent planning and preparing for her big day, she has worked herself as well as anyone she knows into a frenzy due to her slightly neurotic behavior (not even taking into account her impending marriage). While listening to her many stories about all of the preparations, one of those on the list is the wedding registry, which is a nice way of asking people to buy you the gifts you actually want and will use, so that your guests do not feel that they have to reinvent the wheel. She and her fiancee had spent an entire day at a 9-story Macy's picking through the large inventory and choosing their registry items. The other day she mentioned one of those items on the list, which is a dinning set. She proceeded to explain that she'd picked a casual as well as a formal set. My jaw dropped! Now, why would you feel the need to do that? Is it truly necessary outside of hosting royalty on a regular basis? Doubtful! What went beyond that is that her formal dinning set is designer (whose name she wasn't even able to pronounce) and is entirely too expensive! It just seems to be a case of status, defining yourself by what you have and how others will perceive you as a result of what you have. The sheer idea of that makes me slightly sickening.
I do find myself constantly asking the question "why?" Maybe the answer is what makes the two of us so different. I do not feel the need to define myself by material standards. At the same time, what someone else's perception of me may be depends entirely on the person judging me. I do not place enough importance on others' impression of me because I do not have any control of how my reality may reflect in another's life. Consequently, I wish nothing more than to live my life in accordance to my beliefs and ideals regardless of how they may transpire to other people. I believe in being the best version of myself that I can possibly achieve at any given time and that's is the way I will spend the rest of my life living!
Thank you for listening, Universe! May your season be blessed manyfold!
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