Unconditional Love @ MindSay 
love
Unless rooted and grounded in love, (not just a spiritually deficient, lust-confused physical notion of love, but love that is the selfless, exponential sharing of ones humanity; love which extends vertically and expresses laterally; love which has no tense, neither past, present nor future but is unconditional in every aspect of its existence), unless anchored in this understanding of love, even the height of sincerity rarely prepares us to cope with and eventually resolve the things that lie waiting to be unearthed just beneath the surface of our conscious existence. Those things which, consequently, are the irrevocable reasons for and the ultimate causes of our need to don our “mask”, yet are barely perceptible and can only be exposed by embarking on a journey of self discovery, those longed to be realized things which have submerged our true selves.
Such was the mindset that provided the impetus for my personal journey. Here are some recent results from my ongoing explorations: Memories of past experiences that undoubtedly shaped my psyche’ are becoming clearer with each day’s subterranean probing, revealing with overwhelming implication how all of my decisions and every choice settled upon, were the direct result of impressions made by everything that ever happened to me. All the potent words I ever read or ever heard, all the touches I ever felt or didn’t feel (because they were denied me), all the unkindness my young spirit endured, all the devaluing, undeserved retorts, jeers, jibes, taunts and criticisms ,every omission of much deserved, empowering kindness, applause and affirmations that were my birthright simply by virtue of my humanness and my entitlement as a citizen of the planet, all of this, for better or for worse, impacted my emotional and psychological development and consequently, my self image and my behavior.
I have a vivid memory from a time years ago of being on a hike in a wonderful old woods just outside Cuyahoga Fall, Ohio. These woods were near the beautiful lush green rolling hills I use to roam on horseback every summer in my teen years while vacationing on a family farm. This one day in particular, a group of friends and I were seeking out old trails in the woods we had never explored when suddenly the trail we were on ended in a steep overhanging rock face with a 10 to 12 ft drop to the resumption of the trail. The guys in the lead decided to do the 'macho' thing and make the jump rather than go all the way back to a juncture. They landed safely with no broken bones and none the worse for wear...not so with the girl that followed behind them...in addition to some minor head injuries, she broke her leg in three places...owwww...that was enough to turn the rest of our group around for the long hike back for help. I've never forgotten standing at the top of that cliff, impervious to the goading, trying to decide whether to jump or not...she, on the other hand, having grown impatient with the time I was taking to make a decision, pushed ahead of me and leapt into the air garnering cheers from the boys on the ground below. I've never been exactly comfortable with my indecisiveness not being sure whether it was wisdom or fear that accounted for it and ever since I’ve sorely hated the notion of being perceived as afraid (this was a twofold self-indictment because I didn’t want to appear to be a coward to my friends and I couldn’t reconcile within myself being unwilling to take a leap of faith). I've often thought that maybe she made the most worthwhile decision...perhaps her willingness to risk life and limb was worth what she gained in self respect...after all, broken bones do heal...the wounded psyche', well, I’m not so sure.
The moral of this story is: Until issues are resolved, we’re usually left mired in a maze of worthless, illogical, unproductive regret, developmentally hampered spiritually, psychologically and emotionally.
lovespirit
A woman has strengths that amaze men. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional!!!! There's only one thing wrong with her, she sometimes forgets what she is worth.........
Happy Women’s day!!
Her eyes fell to the ground, as she pondered what her next action might be. She knew what was coming, she knew there was a choice to be made.. and she knew that she wasn't the type to be swayed. But, why? Why now does she doubt her decisions?.. Why is she now questioning the very morals that she used to base her life upon?
"Come on, baby!" He cried. "You know that I'm only trying to bring us closer! I swear that I only want this because I know that we will be together, no matter what.. because, I love you! I thought that maybe you felt the same way.." "You know I love you! .. Why do you think that I want to make sure this is kept special" She asked. "Besides, I've got to get home.. I'm already late enough as it is!" she continued. But, silence was all that was to be heard from Him on that cold damp night in late March. Soon his cold stare moved from her direction, to the moon. This wasn't the first time this type of a thing had played out. Why, it must have been the 10th time, at the very least. She desperately wanted to make him happy, but she knew better than to give up her body. That very night, he called her .. it couldn't have been earlier than 11:00. At first the conversation seemed to be the usual which was exchanged between the two. And, eventually unraveled into the depths of his very mind. "What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself!" She asked. "Why do you always have to ask me what's wrong when it's the same thing everytime?" He answered. "Are you serious right now?.. is this about in the car? ..." she proceeded "because, you know that I love you; and that's why I won't go further with you!" "I just don't get it" He said out of frustration. "You expect me to not hang out with all of my friends who are girls ... you ask me to give up things, and you can't give up this simple little thing for me? I'm not asking you to have sex with me... I just .." "what!?" She said, out of unbelief. "I just always wanted to have a sex life, even if that didn't mean I was having sex. I have wants and needs, and I want to share these things with you and nobody else. I'm just afraid that if I don't share it with you, who will I share it with?".. by this time, she was in tears. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, and yet in some kind of ironic way, she couldn't believe that she wasn't surprised that he would treat her like this. "I'm just tired of crying. I've told you what I'm comfortable with, and if you can't respect that, then you don't have to be in this relationship. But, I'm going to sleep .. Goodnight" She hung up the phone.
The next morning comes, as she wakes up to a message from him, explaining that He's sorry for what he said, and that he was willing to wait forever for her. She accepts his apology and tries to put it in past. The only problem was that no matter how great things were, she could never get his words out of her mind. In some sick way, he was starting to make her believe that it was no big deal. And, in another way, his words haunted her like a ghost. "You can't give up this simple little thing for me?" played through her mind countless times as she held her vintage ring in the palm of her hands. This ring symbolized a promise she had made years ago. The promise of purity. "what is this good for, anyways?" She thought as she tossed her ring from one hand to the other. "It's not like we're not going to be married someday.." she argued in her mind.
A couple weeks passed, and she finds herself having dinner at his house. After dinner, his parents somehow disappeared. "Oh no.." she thought, as she recalled the rules that her parents had set out for her before. "Why don't we go to my room and watch that movie you've been wanting to see" he nudged. "Perfect! But, we can watch it in the living room, right?" she asked. "Yeah, but my brother would probably bother us, so it's best if we watch it in my room" he replied. Innocent enough, huh? Just a movie.. nothing can go wrong, she thought. His bed was one of those couch and bed combinations, so of course he gestured for her to sit on his bed. At first she hezitated, but again persuaded herself that nothing would go wrong. The movie began, and he said "Babe, you're going to love this movie!" "I hope so! I have to hear you all quote it all of the time.. it had better be good!" she said while half laughing. Slowly he moved closer, and closer .. until there was no space in between their faces. He kissed her on the lips, and then twice on the forehead.. then she said "Thanks! But, I actually want to see this movie, remember?" He laughed and said "relax, babe. You're going to watch this movie! I swear!" "Thank you!" she replied. The movie played for about 30 minutes, and suddenly, something came over him. He puts his finger below her chin and pulls her eyes to align with his.. "we're going to be like this for the rest of our lives!" he said. She smiles and replies "I know we will! I love you so much" and he offers an I love you in return. After that, he starts to kiss her. She knew that things were not going in a good direction, and she pulled away. But, he lured her back in even deeper than before. Suddenly, his hands started to explore the curves of her very body. "I can't do this!" She said, repeatedly. And yet he repeated back to her "Yes you can, baby!" She tries to push him off of her, and he pushed back with ten times the force. As though she were watching her own life as a movie, the rest of this charade played out in slow motion to the girl. Every touch, every kiss, every glance.. created to haunt her forever. Slowly, she sank into oblivion as he took advantage of her in all of her brokenness.
Minutes after this all took place, and he had done what he had wanted - she grabbed her clothes while trying not to reveal herself from under the covers. She managed to dress herself entirely, while he was still overwhelmed by what had happened. She stands up and heads for the door, not saying a word. He yells to her "wait!" and she peers for the front door. His parents are still nowhere to be seen, and his brother is missing from sight as well. He runs towards her and holds her tightly in his arms. He says "I'll call you later.. please answer!" And she stares blankly ahead, walking for her car, fumbling for her keys, hoping for an escape.
She runs to her doorstep, just anticipating the tears that will follow her into her room. Her mother says "how was dinner!?".. "FINE!" she says as she runs to her room, afraid that her parents will see right through. They didn't notice, and now it was only her and her thoughts. "Did that really happen?" - "Maybe I'm imagining things!.." "Maybe I didn't say 'no' loud enough .. that's it! He didn't hear me. He must not have known! .. that's it!" and she convinced herself that it was her fault. Not his.
Their relationship was no longer about an emotional relationship, but rather, a physical one. For so long, they had waited. But, for what? For the void that they both now feel. If it was meant to be like this, why did they both feel so empty?
Her thoughts still haunted her. Though she had blocked what she could, his words and actions haunted her every move. Nothing would ever erase the past, nothing would ever erase what happened. As much as she tried to believe that He loved her, she was forced to realize that his love for her was not as strong as he said it was. Nonetheless, she fell victim to the lies. She soon found herself drowning in a sea of lies and deceit. She was convinced that she didn't deserve anything more than what she had been given. Afterall, she messed up as well. She would never be worthy of anything more. "No boy will ever love you more than I can.."
One morning, in the beginning of July, she wakes up. The night before, she had the first good night in a long time. Her boyfriend wasn't able to call her, so she decided to be with some old friends. They made her think about how much she really did love her boyfriend, but at the same time, she just needed to make things right. She cried to God, if there was in fact a God through all of this, "God!! If I am meant to be out, show me the way!" For the first time in a long time, she was honest with herself. And, she was honest with God. That morning, she went to check her messages, never expecting to find what she did. A message from one of her boyfriends friends. She began to lose her breath as she read through each line and analyzed every paragraph. "Unfaithful?.." what!? It's not possible! Oh, but the proof was right in front of her. As she began to realize the reality of her situation, she felt her heart sink to her knees. Through shaking hands and a cry filled voice, she dialed his number. "Tell me it's not true!" she cried. "What did you hear!?" he asked, but she couldn't say anything else. All that she could do was cry in disbelief. And yet, he slowly started to realize what she had heard. "I wanted to tell you!" He said as though he were capable of salvaging her respect for him. She still could not speak. All that he heard from her line, was that of the sobs of a broken heart. 15 minutes must have passed, unable to speak and unable to breathe. But, she started to gain her breath. Through tears, she began to speak. "We were going to elope. And, then we were going to honeymoon in europe! And, when we came home, we would come home to our little house, and you would kiss me as you carried me across the threshhold. And, one day, our house would hold our children - and they would call you Daddy. And, one day, we would hold eachothers hands as we witnessed our children having children. And, we were both going to grow old together. And, we wouldn't be able to hear .. but I was going to hold your hand, and even though you wouldn't be able to hear my words, you would look into my eyes, and you would know that I loved you" With her words, he began to weep.
Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. And every hour just seemed to melt together, until eventually, months had passed. With the change of the seasons, brought the change of her heart. Though she held on with all of her strength, she let go. It didn't happen suddenly, and it never came easy. But this scared little girl, let go of his so called "love" .. and she realized that through pain and through suffering, God is still so very close. Sometimes it's takes those situations, where all that we have is gone.. for us to realize how much we have in Christ. Through brokenness, we are taken in - and we are healed, day to day. And, it's not always going to be easy. And, you're not always going to be liked or even loved for your decisions, by the world .. but, you will always have hope. No pit is so deep, that He is not deeper still. God overcomes, and with Him, we are invincible.
Though we stumble, he will always be the one to pick us up and dust us off. SEEK HIM, through your mistakes, and you will KNOW Him. And that, is the greatest secret to life. Seek, and ye shall find. REGARDLESS of what you've done, or how others have made you feel. God is our source of life, and without Him, we are merely the walking dead. I've been there, and I've felt those things .. but I am out! And I am alive. And, I praise God for the pain he has shown me, because through my hurt, perhaps others will learn from my story.. perhaps they will not have to feel in the ways in which I have felt. Perhaps, my story is a greater story than I could ever conjure up on my own .. perhaps, this is life - and life more abundantly. I know that God is true, because I feel him in my own life, everyday. There is no doubt in my mind that God has and will always be there for me. Through his silence, he listens. And through his words, he moves. I am new. Though I have fallen, he loved me unconditionally. My life is in Him now, and I will never look back. For, I am focusing ahead.
Reality: This was taken from my life. I haven't told anyone yet. I can't really do anything about it legally because he didn't take it all the way. I'm not considering this rape .. I don't know what I'm considering it. I know it wasn't right, and I blocked it from my mind for so long. But, legally, I don't think I can do anything. I know that justice is not mine though. And, I'm okay with that. I feel so transparent, posting this. But, I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is just in my mind, or maybe this happens to alot of girls. I just felt like I needed to post this.
Change happens around us. It happens in nature, in the seasons. It happens in the weather, the turn of the earth, the plants and animals around us change, and most importantly, the people around us change. Change is continuous.
What's the point? For those of us who are followers of Jesus, the point is that He takes us from where we first turn to Him, from that time we first look to Him for forgiveness, for mercy, for help, for strength ... and He begins to pour His love into and over us. Now, I believe He does this for every person, but many do not apprehend it for what it is. Anyway, the love of God is the greatest catalyst to change there is.
No matter where we are when we first reach out to God, He is there, and from that point on, He faithfully “Shepherds” us, though He never moves the way I expect or wish. He supplies our needs, not our comforts or wants, necessarily, but our needs. He'll “move” us to the provision sometimes, and other times the provision arrives by other hands. Remember Psalm 23 ... The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want! You see, God has a plan, and it involves change. He wants us to be free!
The matter concerns our hearts. Mine, at least, and most I know, are prone to selfishness, but this is contrary to God's heart. Thus, He lovingly and sovereignly orchestrates situations, events, and people in and out of our lives for the purpose of building into us His heart, His unconditional love. It doesn't happen overnight, and it is not without some pain, tragedy and heartbreak. And the kicker is, we control how much love grows in us. The one thing God cannot do is change us against our will, because that would go against His nature, but He never stops loving us. There are churches filled with people who know about the love of God in their knower, but they have not permitted God's love to have its way in them, to change their heart. It can be frightening, for sure. Intimidating. In a very real sense, God asks us to trust Him with every detail of our lives. Much easier said than done!
So, change is a continuous part of our journey from whatever our beginning place until we see Him face to face. At that instant, the Bible says, we will be changed to be like Him. Do I understand this? No! But I have witnessed enough amazing things to convince me of the probability.
There is a rhythm to God. There is a rhythm to the changes He brings. Most importantly, there is the all-telling evidence as His love grows in us. It enables us to follow Him more confidently, to trust Him more intimately, and to love others with fewer and fewer strings.
I welcome change ... even knowing it may be painful. The more God pours His love into me, the more attentive I am to the needs of others and the more free I am to to be uniquely ME.
~ B
non-judgmental love into our lives. Physical Aids healing of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility. Believed to prevent wrinkles and encourage a beautiful complexion. Taurus and Libra stone. 2001 - 2005 Sobriety Stones ™ , SobrietyStones ©
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