Uncertainty @ MindSay

I have to be out of my house by the end of this month.  So, I have 28 days left to find a place and move out.  A bit daunting...  I figured I'd get an apartment where I used to live before we bought the house I'm currently living in.  I probably still will, but a new option presented itself today. 

 

A friend of a friend just bought a place and she's looking for a roommate.  Now, I've only met her once, and her place is a little further away than what I was planning, but I'm also thinking that this could be kinda fun.  It could be a good way to meet some new people, but am I really ready to move in with someone I barely know?  She seemed cool enough when I met her, but I don't know.

 

Oh, and just cuz I liked it, here's a little something, but it's not directed at anyone, so relax :)

 

I've been looking into doing something that the Juli of five years ago would have just jumped and done.  But the Juli of 2008 is more skittish about the world around me, then the 20 year old that hopped on a plane to Florida, or th 16 year old who moved out of her parents house in small town Newfoundland. and headed for Toronto

In the last three years I've come to live in one city.  I have had several apartments here, however generally i've settled down, as far as stelling goes for the restlessness that I tend to feel.

In the last six months i've felt crampt here. unhappy with where I am going in life.  I have the government job, the boyfriend, the nice apartment in a decent part of the city, but I crave to be on a plane somewhere, anywhere for a extended period of time.  I need a prespective change.

I'm not sure if that means a relationship change, or if that just means, getting out and going somewhere, doing something while I can, when I'm young and able bodied.  I don't want to regret doing things that werent for happiness.  I don't want to be selfish, but truely I dont want to be in Ottawa, at least not right now, in the frame of mind I have been in for quiet sometime.  At points I've almost begged Steve to leave.  But his career is starting and he doesnt want to do anything to jepordize it, even if he is as nomadic as I am.

But I suppose the biggest more contentious issue is having children.  I want children in my future as long as I am able to have them, or to be able to adopt.  He is leaning on the no side of ever having them.  He doesnt want to be tied down to anything like that, and he cant be selfish enough to drag kids around the world with him.  I find this overly odd because he is willing to put his nomadic tendencies on hold for his career.  It almost feels hurtful.

Anyhow, after all this it boils down to, I'm very much considering going off on a working holiday If I am not in school for photography, at a good institution come this september.  It might cause a stain on my relationship, but I don't even know if this relationship will still be in existance at that time.  We are at the point in our relationship where certain decisions have to be made, or at least discussed.  And I am uncertain that we are strong enough to make it though some of them, as we both have very strong opinions and wants in life.

Ireland looks pretty amazing. As does the European travel I could do from there.
So does Denmark.  And the opportunity to fly to Iceland.

It excites a part of me which I thought was long since dead.  I makes me feel alive and a burning since of joy.  I feel so happy when thinking about it, researching it, and planning it.  It is such a welcome change from the dreary feelings I have been going though as of late.

I hope time will reveal what is best, what should be forgotten, what can be salvaged and what needs to be let go.

Benazir Bhutto, a martyr ~ hmmmm ... Is it me, or is the turmoil multiplying?

Sometimes it's incredibly unclear what God wants from me. Perhaps 'ambiguous' is a better way to put it. Serve him - but how? Do I do more at the church, or do I focus on my studies? Do I go hang out with friends who can be a negative influence on me, or do I hold myself aloof and only play with other Christians? Do I

Trusting God, vs. being a good steward. Simply giving him everything back, without doing anything with it? Nah. Don't think that's why he gave it to me. But that clearly suggests that there's a reason that he gave it to me, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

My career plans seem to get in the way of the Peace Corps. My schoolwork and current job seem to conflict with helping at the church. It's been made clear that I'm investing too much of myself in a few relationships, but I don't know how to love without doing that. And I don't know how I'm going to make it work to have a family, but that's what I want most for this life.

I'm getting the impression right now that serving God is learning to trust him. Not to fling everything into the air and expect him to catch it - but to do what I know works, what I know I'm supposed to be doing, and trust him that as long as I'm doing what he's got in mind for me, he'll make it work out.

My friend Tater (I should say my friend's brother, since Gracie and I happen to be on much closer terms) posted something beautiful recently. Y'have to understand that Tater is generally a smart-mouthed goof (and the best percussionist I know!), with underlying seriousness, but you don't often get a glimpse (at least, not at camp) about where that seriousness is anchored. He has a fantastic appreciation for beauty that you don't expect out of someone whose wit is that quick. But I'm going, "How...how....how did he know? Or did God just prompt him? Or...what?" I don't doubt that it was in sincerity, but it seems more like the part of Tater that doesn't show very often. It's integrated, it doesn't have to be spelled out like this.

But I needed that spelled out. I needed that direction and encouragement, even though it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Okay, this is new. Usually, when I'm fretting at night, the best plan is to go to bed, and by morning reality returns, and it's something I can deal with.

I was apprehensive last night. Apprehension has increased into something beyond concern. Somewhere way down, I'm terrified. It feels like when you start at a new school, with kids who've been together since kindergarten, and you're the outsider, and you're thinking, "What if they don't like me? I'll have to spend a whole year with people who hate me! I won't have any friends!" (I've done this twice - starting at a totally new school)

I'm totally procrastinating. Anything else I can take care of so that I don't have to leave yet. Which is bad, because I already have more to do this morning than I can get done. Every trip I go on, I forget something, and it's kinda fun to guess what it's going to be. On the MI trip, of all things, it was my pajamas.

I already have a bunch of people who dislike me because I'm a Christian. I feel like now I'll have a bunch of people that I won't really have a place with because I'm not a strong enough Christian. I don't have anywhere I belong!

Oddly, as soon as I said that, I pictured myself in the sanctuary at our church. It is huge. But it is also a place I belong. I've come in there after the church is mostly empty, the sanctuary is dark, and softly made my way to the big piano onstage. It's Bill's baby (Bill is our worship pastor), but when I'm there alone, it's me and God and the music I can clumsily make. I talk with God as my fingers tumble over the keys, sometimes I cry, and there'll be times when I don't say anything and just let the piano and my heart feel and know God's listening.

We're not supposed to be islands. We're supposed to support each other as Christians, build one another up, pray for each other. We're a different kind of family. But I don't take the time to make those relationships. My best friends...actually, all of them believe in God in some capacity, but...the choices I've made make me wonder.

It'll be okay. I keep telling myself that. I just wish someone else could tell me that, too.