Ugly Girl @ MindSay

ok so I keep having panic attacks and general depression.

 

and since I started/stopped the medication its been worse than ever

 

last saturday I could not stop crying at my friends house. I had to excuse myself and go upstairs and cry in her bedroom for 4 hours.

 

I'm realizing that these bad feelings have never left or "gotten better" over the years. I've merely suffocated my feelings with over-eating or binging and purging. I try to deceive myself into thinking that things are ok in me but they're not. everything is so so wrong.

 

I blame myself for everything.

 

I get so angry at myself.

 

why are you so ugly?

why are you so fat?

stop eating you ugly girl

no guy would want a girl as fat and ugly as you

you're ugly. what the hell made you think you had something beautiful in you?

 

and it goes on. and it nags at me every day.

 

All I can do is cry. I cant stop crying right now.

 

 I just feel so helpless and pathetic.

 

thats how I really feel though.

 

and whats sad is that tomorrow I'll wake up, and feel ok for a little bit and then it will start over. I'll see my friends and be dying to tell them but truthfully they wouldnt know what to do or say.

 

but I'm just dying to plead with them to hug me, or keep me in their thoughts. but thats so weak of me. I mean my life is pretty good.  cant complain too much. but its a mental illness, not a problem with my outside world.

 

my mind is set to self sabotage and I cant flip the switch.

haha i went to bed i forget wha time but ahh i jus layed there could not get to sleep at all until prbly around 6 something o.O but haha then i had this really funny dream... xD omfg we were at this mall walkin toward one of the stores, and there was this girl walking up the opposite direction of us but same side of the mall lol so when we get to da same spot i pushed him into her :D haha an he goes ewwwwwwwwwww an like shuddered and did this lil thing where he wipin germs offa him an made THE funniest disgusted face haha and then he comes and grabs me and is like rawrrrrrr ima get u for that and i jus laughed and was like "u know u want her" lmfao!!! xD i know im so mean but it was funny! and then hes like "cant i just have you?" an looked at me wit his head tilted and a "puh puh puh-lease" kind of face :) aww :') we werent together in the dream.. we were jus at the mall as friends.. but it was so cute lol i woke up n jus laughed n i looked at his pic an smiled an was like "ur such a dumbass" lool :D but now its 11:06am and i cant get back to sleep even tho my body would like to lol my eyes are like ~.~ lol but i jus lay there thinking about my dream and about him and haha i keep laughing and shaking me head like "wtf" and i wonder if thats how he really feels.. and i think about wha he said to think about and heh i dont need him tellin me to think about it, i was already doin that the moment he asked that question o.O but then i still think of tha past and i know how i felt then, and i still feel that way now but how do i know it wont turn out like it did then? i think he means it wha he asked but mayb its not bcoz its "me" mayb its jus bcoz.. idk.. he said it was up to me whether i believed or trusted if he really meant it, but i dunno, i WANT to believe it and i WANT to trust him but wow i jus have the hardest time trusting anyone anymore, especially after the bullshit i found out yesterday.. i mean for real are you people out to hurt me? its like a fucking game im TIRED of playing. i dont want to play games anymore i want no i NEED something real heh how fucking pathetic when you feel like you dont xist or matter to your own bf =/ but whatevah.. im ova that shyt *sighs* anyways so this thing that im thinking about.. i just dont want to get hurt again hes like tha only one i still have a lil trust for bcoz hes neva really done anything to me, well cept behind my back he told dat girl that it wasnt goin anywhere wit me coz we wanted different things, but i guess it was pretty much true, i wasnt ready to settle down an like live wit someone an have my own life an family wit a dude lol i mean yeah i want just ONE guy but at tha time i didnt want tha family life like he did so wha he told her was pretty much true, its jus he did it behind my back.. but at least he didnt deny it.. he didnt deny it being both our faults both of us fucked up, unlike some people who like to deny things even tho they know its true like how fuckin rude to lie to my face when i know you're lieing and you know i know you're lieing. what tha fuck =/ but whatevah. no complaining or anything. i dont are anymore. ive put up with way more than i could handle but i cant take it anymore it really is killin me inside ='( so yeah.. and dont say "thnx for talking to me about this" bcoz ur tha one that jus says "im gonna go" and avoids talking and when i did try to share my feelings thas wha happened so fuck it. and how can i talk about something with someone when they arent eva there?? told ya u were too busy but im busy some days too and i always make time to talk to you when you're on so w/e esp when you're with someone that you're telling them you want a life with them.. yeah.. this isnt the way to start that kind of life out =/ heh if you cant handle five mins to see how ur gf is how are u gonna handle a life with ur family.. they take more than five mins a day to be there for o.O guess that wasnt ever thought of.. guess im the only one that thinks about things.. and yes ive done a lot of thinking.. prbly too much.. im still thinking.. but ya know wha i know wha ima do.. and it makes me happy n right now i really need to be happy so even if it doesnt work out at least i was happy for awhile =) i deserve it i deserve to be happy i didnt do anything wrong i never chatted it up with a guy and kept it from you.. you KNOW who i talk to i mean fuggin A i let you on my name! so obviously im not hiding anything.. techie's the only guy i say i love u to bcoz i do love him hes my best friend and u know that.. but thas not tha point.. tha point i didnt do anything wrong i shouldnt have to feel like this day after day after day its enough =/ gah it jus sucks that i still love you so much.. and i really wanted it to work this time but i cant handle going thru this again a person can only handle so much and ive deff think i been thru enough :'( so im done :'( :'( :'( heh thas enough for right now.. now im gonna go fix my picture albums and scan some more pics and all dat good shyt lmao im goin to tha park later today an i know ill do some thinking there so there will deff be another post later today but until then buh byeeeeeeee <33

Hi.....So....Today was all right.  But why should I recount all the boring events??  I'm currently eating Cheez-its while listening to the radio from the kitchen (I love cheez-its, by the way).  And I'm thinking about how idiotic and superficial people are.  I know I have mentioned and ranted about this many a time before.  But it's a matter that annoys the hell out of me.  What set me off today, was when this girl in one of my classes said that this other girl was really ugly.  It didn't concern me at all.  But it bothered me.  My stance on it is that the superficial girl is just really insecure.  She isn't what I would call beautiful.  Not just because of the outside, but because of her attitude as well. 

 

              I feel like now is a good time to sound off about rap "music".   In my opinion, it is destroying people's values.   (If these ppl really had any values to begin with)  Rap is mostly sexist, arrogant crap.  I don't enjoy listening to "artists" "rap" about killing, doing drugs, or having sex.  What kind of image is this projecting for youth?   That it's okay to be a gangster or have unsafe sex?  I'm sorry, but that's just not my thing.  I want to be surrounded by people of ambition to be something more.  Not people who are stuck within the boundaries of a certain crowd. 

 

               Well, I believe that is enough of a sermon for today. 

 

                            Love, Marge

 

(Sorry if i offended anyone....:).....)