Ugly @ MindSay 
fat
I suck. First and foremost, I cannot resist temptation. I had a piece of desert at lunch today and I was still on track for the day.
That was until I walked by the conference room and noticed the desert was still there.... I had another piece. :(
Yuck, Icky Gross.. I make myself sick.
Bonnie and I just talked about this. I prayed about it and I did good and then when no one was looking I went for it... I suck.
It is like a battle with the dark side. I am starting to get nervous about my hubbies trip to DC.
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when…after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone…I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have…and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin…beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful…seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship.
And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone… within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again… unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human”…I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly… beneath the mask.
These days, I have far more of an eye for imperfections. Body, arms, face, teeth, anything you can think of. I now look at girls who I thought were beautiful a few years back, and feel embarrassed.
But then, often, a thought strikes me. How can I condemn myself for how I felt back then? Why, exactly, is it such a bad thing to see beauty in people, instead of seeing imperfections and ugliness?
The main reason for my change of mentality must surely be sourced to my years at school. Suddenly, I was hanging around people who had "standards". You couldn't be attracted to a girl who was "fat". It was fashionable to laugh about other people's "unattractiveness". If I hung around with girls instead of boys, it just got worse - putting other girls down is almost like a sport among females in high school. To suggest that this behaviour stems from self-conciousness and obsession about one's own appearance is probably not too far off the mark.
One of the most ingrained prejudices in society must be against weight. My ex-girlfriend is slightly overweight, but stunningly beautiful. Other people only seem to be able to notice the former aspect. Yes, I understand that we males generally prefer women around the average-to-thin mark, but that doesn't mean that the ideal woman in our eyes looks something like a catwalk model. A little bit of fat in certain places can be deeply sexy, e.g. around the stomach, bottom, and breasts (duh). It's actually quite nice. I grant you, I think my ex-girlfriend would be a little more attractive if she lost a little bit of weight, but, just as she is, she is far closer to my "ideal" than one of those near-anorexic models would be.
Even given my own mental contamination at this stage, it still seems like my opinion on this is quite unfashionable. Girls who look thin to me complain about needing to lose weight. Some even seem to think that they need to have a flat stomach to be attractive. It's a delusion, and a disturbing one at that.
I don't know if the media deserves all the blame, but surely Hollywood and the mindless drivel that is celebrity magazines must shoulder some of the responsibility. Image is pounded into every facet of the media. How many famous American pop singers and actresses do you know who aren't exceptionally "beautiful"? Do you think Delta Goodrem or Jessica Alba are where they are today because of their incredible acting or vocal talent? Popular entertainment is a kind of pornography, where sex appeal comes first and talent or ability a distant second.
The reason I'm bringing up Hollywood is that it seems like it feeds back into society. Natural attractiveness is altered to what Hollywood tells us it is: absurd slimness, no body hair, cosmetic surgery at the slightest sign of age or "imperfection".
It's something that upsets me, and I'm not sure what can be done about it. The increasing problem of obesity (childhood and otherwise) means that one cannot wholly condemn image obsession without conceding that people should be aware of the danger to health posed by severe weight gain. I just wish that our society didn't have such a constantly reinforced, skewed vision of beauty. The end result cannot be a positive - after all, everyone becomes ugly if you look at them critically, for long enough, and have a keen eye for flaws.
I don't know exactly how to describe that mentality, but I'm pretty sure it's not healthy.
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