Turn Back Time @ MindSay

Wow, everything I thought was going to be apparently isn't.

If this is all for revenge I feel it. Like none other. And it makes me so ashamed for what I've done. This mountain of bullshit I have created and the mountain of regret I have within myself. She is my backbone. I've let that go.

 

I don't know what else to do now. He's here. I'm nothing. She says I am but I still miss her more.

 

She's moving on though. With another that I never would have thought. I threw my whole life away and now I have to watch my world burn. I burned these bridges and I was late to the construction yard to try to rebuild them. Fucking watch. It never has the right time.

 

I see beauty in the whole world around me. And I've learned some things while away. I know how to show it. I know how to take the small things I used to sweat and turn them in to other things. Fun times, good times, a time to do something together. A time when we could just smile instead.

 

So now I'm going to try to get past this. I'm not sure how. I only have a few close people right now. And I seem to be self medicating all too much lately. I don't like that. I want to be back on solid ground this much I've learned as well. She's my everything and yet I let her count the stars alone. I put her on a ship and set her a sail and she's now seeing the world that I should have seen with her. My heart is in my stomach and all I want to do is pull it out. But I can't. I have a feeling it will be there for a while.

 

I wish I was the only one that would do.

Hey man its been a long time since i have been on here. Stina told me she got back on and was getting back in the swing of things. Man i was reading my old blogs I guess I never got back to anyone to let them know what happened. Well I spent the last year and half after I found out in and out of the hospitals. It sucked big time. I never wanted to spend christmas and my birthday in the hospital. Well fuck all that its done and over with all you guys really want to know is if its gone or if I have a couple months to live. WELL IM FREE OF IT I HAVE NO CANCER THE DOC SAID I SHOULD COME EVERY MONTH OR TWO TO GET RECHECKED FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS. EVERYTHING WENT GREAT AND I'M LIVING PROOF OF IT.  WELL I WILL GET BACK ON ANOTHER DAY AND START TALKIN FOR REAL.

 

I DO HAVE TO GIVE MY PROPS TO MY GIRL STINA FOR BEING THERE FOR ME THROUGH EVERYTHING. I LOVE YOU AND I WOULD NEVER GIVE YOU UP FOR ANYTHING. MAUH

So Last Night Right
I Was Like Sleeping As I Do
And ANd
Hold On BRB



Kay Back Now Sorry Bwtt THATATTA

Ehm Soo
I Was Havening This Drema
*Dream
ANd I Waas Snuckign Out With Some Friends And We Was At This Wierd Building And It Was LIkkeks Aaa Shed AN dit Was Dark And I Was Getting All Scared As I Do ANd I Thouhgt I Was Gunnas Get RAPPPPPEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDd
But I Didnt
ANdThen For Sopme Reason We ALl Thoufght We Was Gonna Be Late Getting Back ToS cghhool Even Tho It Was Night Time So We ALl Started Going BAck ANd Yeah Then I Was Home And It Wasnt Nioght Time Anymore It WAssssssss Like A Cloudy Evening And I Was KLiek I Dunno

I Was LIek Tryan Sort Shit Out With Some People ANd I Didnt Quite Know What I Was Doing Or What Was GOing On. For Some Reason My Floor Was Like Aklot Higher Up ANd The Laudry Room  Was Like A Balcony, I Heard Some Woman Yelling At Me Bwt Something, I Ignoorede Herr ANd There Was DOgs Everywhere And And yeah

And Then I Realized All The Fuss Was Coz They Woman Was HXC Yelling AT ME D:

I Went Out And She Was Screamuing HEs DYING AND YEOUR DOING NOTHINGGA AUGFIUSOF

I Was Freaked For Some Reason
And There Was Sounds Of Like People In Pain And Dying
As If Tehre Were Lots Of Dead Bodies Lying On Our Feild
I Couldnt See The Feilding
But I Could See All The DOgs Jumping Round Spazz

The Reason Thje Woman Was Yelling Was Coz There Was A Dog That Was Half On / HAlf Off The Laudry/Deck Thing Anmd It Was Whimpering For Help
For Some Reasn I Was Hesistatign To HElp
I Didnt Wanna Touch The Dog FOr Some Reason
i Was Soo Scared

ANd Then I Realized
The Woman
Was Really Pale
And Wrinkly
And Naked
UGH
DISCUSTING
BAD FUXKING PICTURES
AND
I Swaer that She Used To Be A Younger Black Woman
But Then I Realized That There Was A Wrinkly Tanned Naked Man Behind Her
WHAT
THE
FUCKING
FUCKKKK

IT WAss Sooo Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
She Was Really ANgry And Spaz At ME
But SHesd Calmed Down
And Was More Liek
Oh Whatever I DOnt Care You Can Leave The Dog If You Wnatr

The {eople I Was With Were Bpthering ME Bwt The Dog I WAs Freaking ANd I Just Said Oh You Guys Do It Im Leaving This Dream Its Getting To Fxd Up/

I Was Stressign And {anicing

The Dyign People Noises Were GEtting LOuced\\der **Louder
And I Tried To Wake Up/

I Was All Black Like I Shut My Eyes
And The Dying Noises Were Stioll Tehre

Then I Opened My Eyes.
I Was Liek Awakw
But The Dying Noise Hadnt LEft
They Were FAding Away...

It Sucked.
I Was Stryna Calm Down
But I Was Panickign And Sweating And Freaking Out.

Oh Gopd.

Then I Was Saying To Myself
Tryna Make Me Think Positive
And The First Thing That Came To My Mind Was Rape
UGHHHHHHHH

I Was Remmebering That Earlier Today I Was Rhingking Bwt How I Probably WOuldnt Care If I Got Raped

Coz I Was Fxd Off.

I Was Sayign To Myself That I Didnt Care But Then It Was As If I Was Convinceing The other Half Of Me That I Did Just So That I Would Stiop Trying To Scare Myslef

But While I Was Thinking This I Was Also Thinking That I Shouldnt Move Coz Other Wise The Door Will Open
And Someo\thing Scary Will AHppen

So I Was Trying Not To Move

Then That Part Of Me Taht Was Scaring Me Was Telling Me That This Never Would Have HAppened If I Didnt Listen To All That KoRn
It Was Sayiogn How KoRn Is Bad ANd I Should BE So Used To The Ideas Of Rape And Necrophelia And Pedophelia Etc..
Saying Hopw My Music Was Making Me Bad
And Fuckign Scaring My Self.'.
`'`'`''`'`
,.,.,.,.,.
`'`''`'`'`

And Yeah

I THink Ill Stop Talking Bwet This Now

It MAkes No Sendce


Im Off To Make Me A Pizza So I Dont Habve To Eat FGReays Burbters And CHipps ahugdhsiufhukb


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(suggested tags ftw btw)

I've blogged close to twenty times over the past month. Given my spotty history since the early days of this space, that's saying something. I used to get in some grooves, and then stop for a while, then come back wand write the "I'm back" entry, and of course end up being a liar. I was talking to Tim after my first couple of successive entries during this run, and told him that I was shying away from the "I'm back" crap, because it never meant anything any other time.  I do think I will keep it more regular now.  It's really a matter of just checking mindsay.com.  If I remember to check the site, I throw something up.  It's not Shakespeare, nor is it Stephen Hawking, but it's something, which is better than nothing.  Well I'm sure some would disagree with that sentiment, but those people can eat it for all I care. 

I am fan of Jimmy Buffet and this song is my favorite.  Over the years I have talked to many Buffet fans and most of them can't seem to pick out just one of the many songs they know by heart as their favorites but I can decidedly say that this one is my fav.

 

It brings me back to a time that I experienced back when I was a teenager.  Dad would always like to go to the Florida Keys to do some fishing.  I could tell so many stories of those times and I am so thankful that I have the memories from that time.  But once a weekend day we would go fishing somewhere in the Keys.  Catching something from grunts to groupers to yellowtails.  When we would go to the Gulf Stream it was big game time.  Marlin.  Mackeril.  Tuna.  Shark.  Mahi Mahi(Dolphin).

 

But when the day was done and we were all sunburned dad would head the boat back home.  Most times we would go back to the place where we docked off from, clean the fish and head back home.  But sometimes things were different.  Sometimes we would head to some particular harbor.  Some I remember well and some I don't.  But there is this one place I know we went too. 

 

My hair was all dried out with salt in it from the sea.  It was scorching hot, I was tired, hungry, thin and sunburnt.  That's what you get from setting and pulling the anchor all day.  We walked in to this place and me being a preppy I thought it was a trash joint.  Maybe a biker joint, idk.  Dad had me throw the ropes to tie down the boat.  I jumped off and secured it.  We secured the rods and went inside.  Me being underage apparently did not matter back in those days.  Just a cold beer and some conch fritters was all I wanted.  I ordered and it was delivered.  Man they were good!  They were the best fritters I had ever had.  To this day I remember them.  Forget about being preppy, this was a cool place.  The folks were great and a live band to boot!  I was just wishing I had a babe there with me.

 

To this day I do not know where that place was.  I like to think it was at Card Sound Bridge but I know it was not.  All I know is that once and while when I hear that song it brings me back to those days that I miss.  Thankful that I got to have the time to enjoy them.  I guess that this is my Thanksgiving precursor for the day a coming.

 

"But There's that One Particular Harbor".