Trichotillomania @ MindSay

As of today, it's been three weeks since I've pulled my head hair! I'm really happy about it :D. I "feel" my bald spots every couple days and I can feel some hair coming in. Unfortunately, it's growing really slowly, but I guess that's what happens when you pull out hair from the roots: your hair has to grow back the root, the little beginning of the hair underneath the scalp, and then finally the hair that you see outside the scalp.

I'm still pulling from my eyelashes and eyebrows, but I haven't pulled too much out. I'd still like to stop it, but I have other things to worry about changing...mainly my work habits in school...I can't fail this year! But I'm thinking of using this weekend as a "catch up weekend". I'm hoping it'll work. I've planned stuff like this in the past many many many times before, but I was always too much of a lazy ass to do anything. However, I got my social worker at school behind me on this (she suggested it), so maybe this time will be different...

Oh! Speaking about counseling, I finally got my letter from St. Joe's (the hospital)! I don't think I mentioned this in the past, but I'm going to go to a real counselor to help me with my trichotillomania and especially with my work initiative. The letter says I have to call to make an appointment, but the hours according to the answering machine are 8am-4pm, so I got to get up early tomorrow to call. Fat chance I'll do that, but I'll try.

I have no idea how long it'll be till I can get into see the counselor, but I hope it's within a month. I want to try and better myself as soon as possible.

-Kristal

…I don't know if I'll shave/cut my hair off anymore. I looked into it last night, and it's going to be really expensive: the store I looked up in town sells wigs, and they START at $240, and on top of that I would need a cap underneath it, special shampoo and hairspray, a wig stand, a special comb, etc. This is the main thing holding me back. If it weren't for the cost I would be more likely to do it.

Plus there’s my graduation this year, and I don't want a wig to fall off my head while dancing or anything.

I guess I'll just keep my hair as it is. However, I'm going to take better care of it and buy the damn $40 shampoo that fixed my friend’s hair. Plus I'll be trimming my hair a lot more.

I still hate the colour though. The brown faded to a gross blonde, and I want it back to my natural colour, but I don't want to put anymore dye in it for a while. I might dye it once I fix my hair a bit more and get it healthy...but that'll probably take a couple months.

Sorry for being vain.

-Kristal

My hair needs to go.

It’s just awful. It's fried due to all my dying and straightening and not taking care of it. It's also a really gross shade of blonde (the brown I got done last month has faded out). I don't see any more reason to keep it, especially since I have bald spots due to trich. And it'll take months before I can comfortably leave my hair down without being self-conscious about my bald spots. But who says that I won't pull a new bald spot by then? I figure that shaving my head (or cutting it less than a cm, same difference in my mind, really) will be a new beginning for me, and the hair that grows in will be my natural colour, and healthy. My hair right now is like straw...the same colour and everything. I can't stand to even look at it never mind touch it. In fact, I've been pushing it all back into a ponytail, and using a headband for my bangs because I can't stand to even touch my face. I hate it.

Of course when I do this (which will be within a month) I will be wearing a wig all the time, because no matter what I'm still self-concious and won't have the guts to show my bare head in public. But I still take this as a way to improve my self-confidence and have a new beginning.

Unfortunately, my parents don't see it that way. About an hour ago I brought out the phone book and my parents asked me why.

"Because I'm calling a place,” I told them
"What place?"

"A wig store."

"Ohhh stop it!" they said.

And from there was an argument. Not much of one really. The main thing they kept saying was "It's foolish!" But whenever I asked why they never gave a reason. Why is it foolish for me not to have security-blanket hair?

Why is it foolish for me to want to have a new beginning and help my trichotillomania?

Why is it foolish for me not to waste money on hair dye and products to try and “fix” my hair when I could just cut it off and have natural healthy hair?

Ok, granted, wigs are 250 dollars or more, but I'll be using it all the time once I buy it, and seeing it as “dollars per use”, it's not that bad. And this will probably be a one-time deal: I've learned my lesson about excessive hair dying. And once I shave/cut my hair really short, I won't have any to pull. I see it as an advantage for me to not have hair at this point. I don't see why my parents think having a shaved head as a bad thing. It's hair, not an arm or a heart. I can live without it.

The funniest thing in that argument was when my mom said "You're going to need your hair for the winter!"

Jeeze...I know we have really cold winters, but this is my first time hearing about deaths among people with shaved heads, lmao.

Regardless of their opinions, I will be doing this once I can get a wig. It'll boost my self-confidence and get rid of my vain “ways”. After all, I am not my hair. I don’t understand why they think I am. Are they going to be ashamed of having a daughter with a shaved head? If so, that’s really pathetic. I’m already half way there with my bald spots, why not just “finish the job”? Or am I supposed to wait till I pull it all out? Sure, I haven’t pulled in 9 days, but that doesn’t mean I won’t again. I’d like to think that I won’t pull, but this is an “addiction” and relapse is very much possible.  

-Kristal St. Jean

..of the pep rally, despite the threats of being dragged to the office from the principal over the intercom.

I got my lab done, but I did it in Physics Class and at lunch, which to me is almost as worse as not doing it at all or handing it in late, because it just took me away from other work I should have been doing... >___>.

Whatever, it is my own damn fault. I don't deserve sympathy for neglecting my priorities.

Anywho, so day 3 with playdough and still only 1 eyelash pulled and that was on the first day with it. Unfortunately I pulled so much out the previous days before the playdough that I can no longer successfully hide all my bald spots. But yet again this is my own damn fault and I don't deserve sympathy for this. I just thought I'd inform the internet over my petty little problems like every other spoiled teenager.

Ugh negative thoughts..saying shit about me being a spoiled teenager is almost as bad as me bitching about my problems, because it is yet another attention thing. *sigh*.

But anywho, I'm out for now, and hopefully the next time I blog (which will be probably in a few days) I'll be a better person.

Till then,

-Kristal

...And so now it's time for me to blog!

How is it half way through September already? I guess when one daydreams like me time gets away from you...

Schools been...well...school. I've gotten back into my old ways of procrastination and I've already fucked up a couple quizzes and am probably at least a week behind. Good fucking job, Kristal...

But I guess its better to have my "wake up call" now than a month or so from now. If I really kick my ass into gear I can get things done. I talked to my counselor about my laziness at school (among another things…I will get into that later in the blog) and she gave me some great advice. She said to stop thinking in the past and live "here and now" and that thought has been swimming around in my head since yesterday when she said it. It's so very true...I daydream and worry a ridiculous amount, and it really does prevent me from doing my schoolwork, because I end up thinking my daydreams and reflecting on the past for hours on end is more important than work. I literally make up scenarios in my head about things I have done/may do in the future and think about what my friends and family will do if they find out, and I do that several hours a day everyday. Its fun to do but its becoming a real interference with my priorities.

I think I'm going to take her advice and try to plan out my priorities a few days at a time. When I mean, “plan” though, I do not mean "At 6:30 I have to do ____, at 7:00 I have to do ____" because that will just be too structured for me-I like to be spontaneous. What I mean by planning is that "I have to do ___, ___ and ____ today". I think that will work much better for me.

My counselor also gave me some play dough and its really been helping with my trichotillomania. In the past 48 hours I have only pulled out 1 eyelash (No head hair!:D). It keeps my left hand busy and therefore impossible for me to pull. It’s amazing what a difference something so simple can make.

Anyways, I better stop this procrastination and do my lab (hopefully D:). I'll try posting with new trich pics soon... Just a warning though, my bald spots have gotten pretty bad...*sigh*.

-Kristal