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Where I see myself in the next 5 years....
I'm slipping away into madness. I can feel it. I always knew this day would come. I knew it way back then and I know it today.
I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:
"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.
I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.
So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.
Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.
I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:
"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.
I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.
So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.
Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.
Relationship 101
Relationships 101 Tune -up Tips Be at least as kind and forgiving to your partner as you would be with a houseguest Work at it every day whether you like it or not Fight with yourself before you fight with your partner- don’t make underhanded comments or hurtful remarks. Make time for warmpth , affection and sex becuase you wont find time for them Have regular discussions at least once a month and reconnect and see how things are going. make time for “us” time family time is not “couple time” Change things up even if movie nights is working, find some new and fun to do things Ocassionally, go all out with and adventuure of the ordinary Tell him expressions of admiration and reinforcement daily, like when you were dating. Give yourslef a time out when angry, address issues when caalmer so you dont say something , you will reget Dont be afraid to go to a marriage professional. Meanwhile, take a mini-marriage check Below with your mate and check the health of your relationship Were you often playful together? We just have fun the two of us. I feel comfortable telling most of my feelings to my partner /husband or wife. I feel understood when my partner listens to me. How we manage money as a couple is a strength in our relationship Sex is a strength in our relationship We understand and respect each others basic values. If you found yourself disagreeing with one or more of these statements ,then its time to investigate potential trouble spots. INCLUDING EMPLOYING PROFESSIONAL HELP TO AVOID A MAJOR BREAKDOWN The relationship you have with your partner needs work each and everyday, its not something that can come easy by any means. Each time your partnership comes into thoughts especially when the roles shift in the relationship this could be due to health or job or new baby or added stressors of caring for parents whose health is becoming fragile. Sometimes family has an influence on our Partners and it can become a battleground for arguing and name calling and having to take sides and make a choice. When you are feeling down inside and angry due to a habit or disagreement and it is becoming between the both of you, seek help before one of you turns to another person outside your marriage.
Please Help! National Campaign against abuse and it's fatalities. 
"Stop~Watch & Respond (SWR) is a traumatic abuse prevention organization specializing in the combined uses of print, media and technology to advance our efforts in traumatic abuse awareness and prevention nationally. Our organization is based in Savannah, GA. We are a genuine coalition to bring the war on traumatic abuse and it's fatalities front and center so that America pays continuous attention and makes greater intervention. As a non-compete good will organization, we serve as an additional vehicle for infield service and national activism. United, we will link and mend the societal disconnect associated with traumatic abuse and Socioeconomic depression, in doing so, each allied organization’s resources can be used for maximum effectiveness." ... In loving memory of my sister, Heather Smith.
N E X T~ V I G I L: WEDNESDAY, February 27th, 2008 ~ 9PM~10PM Eastern Standard Time.
HOW TO PARTICIPATE: Light the Fire of Awareness once a month by placing a vigil candle in the front window of your home, on your porch or in the window of your place of business OR on your office desk. This symbolizes your support of our national efforts for greater abuse awareness, prevention, intervention and a demand for immediate victim recovery. The actual vigil hour is from 9pm-10pm Eastern Standard Time. Now is the time to unite together for the sake of those who can not help themselves. We need campus crusaders, child advocate groups, local communities and national businesses will vigil with us. We will persist until this nation is moved into greater awareness and aggressive action on this matter. Vigil Candles are available at the STOP~WATCH and Respond web site.
N E X T~ V I G I L: February 27th~ 9PM~10PM Eastern Standard Time.
PLEASE NOTE VITAL INFO:
STOP ~WATCH & Respond! Now is the time! Witness Change... Do something more! We saved 5 lives in August 2007! We need NATIONAL Volunteers to get involved... The children of America NEED you adults to protect them! It is our responsibility. When we reduce crime against children, we produce children who become adults against crime! Be one of the many who offer greater hope for the children of tomorrow. We can't let them down! We MUST do something more.
Please... I am shamelessly begging!
H e l p ~ T o d a y.
www.stopwatchandrespond.com
N E X T~ V I G I L: WEDNESDAY, February 27th, 2008 ~ 9PM~10PM Eastern Standard Time.
HOW TO PARTICIPATE: Light the Fire of Awareness once a month by placing a vigil candle in the front window of your home, on your porch or in the window of your place of business OR on your office desk. This symbolizes your support of our national efforts for greater abuse awareness, prevention, intervention and a demand for immediate victim recovery. The actual vigil hour is from 9pm-10pm Eastern Standard Time. Now is the time to unite together for the sake of those who can not help themselves. We need campus crusaders, child advocate groups, local communities and national businesses will vigil with us. We will persist until this nation is moved into greater awareness and aggressive action on this matter. Vigil Candles are available at the STOP~WATCH and Respond web site.
N E X T~ V I G I L: February 27th~ 9PM~10PM Eastern Standard Time.
PLEASE NOTE VITAL INFO:
The #1 Killer of Children Under the Age of 4
STOP ~WATCH & Respond! Now is the time! Witness Change... Do something more! We saved 5 lives in August 2007! We need NATIONAL Volunteers to get involved... The children of America NEED you adults to protect them! It is our responsibility. When we reduce crime against children, we produce children who become adults against crime! Be one of the many who offer greater hope for the children of tomorrow. We can't let them down! We MUST do something more.
Please... I am shamelessly begging!
H e l p ~ T o d a y.
www.stopwatchandrespond.com
SEEING PREDATORS FOR WHAT THEY ARE
theexposer
Give yourself a chance to see through them. It helps to put two and two together to look at the reality and not the facade.
We are entitled to go through stages of our pain while trying to cope and recover. This process gets delayed due to re-victimization. A good example would be the reactions and rage from narcissistic predators, emotional rapists and spiritual vampires can cause a survivor to experience trauma again only this time in another form depending on the route of attack the predator takes to hurt their victim.
It is still be necessary to tell the truth about the person who continues to hurt others and lie, cheat and steal lives from people. In fact, it is your duty. This is not revenge but an important step in healing, receiving validation and making sure the predator and his future victims get help, if possible.
No matter how hard the victimizer tries to cover up, hide, threaten, accuse, etc.... all the lashing out in the world isn't going to make them right or their lies into truth. They can manipulate all the people in their path, but the truth will always be the truth and sooner or later their lies will catch up to them. Even when a narcissistic predator believes his own lies, he can't escape the consequences somewhere down the line.
Finding out the truth is devastating, but it is necessary. How they react to you finding out confirms that truth even more. It makes the a deal breaker.
If you can't get just how unfeeling and inhuman they are, or realize just how detached they are from any remorse or empathy check out the seduction science techniques mentioned in previous posts. It is sickening to evaluate the coercive & exploitative content of communication between these absolute volatile creatures of predation.
This is what they are underneath. They fake the 'friendship' they sucked you into when you needed a friend the most. Predators hunt the wounded, and like any predator they preyed on you at your most vulnerable.
Here's a symbolic illustration for those who may not quite see it clearly yet...
On a back porch in the evenings right before Fall, at the same time every night, swarms of mesquites start to circle around while trying to stay hidden at the same time. Before you know it you 've been bit more than once without realizing it and you now feel the sting. They are out to feed and they know how to get away with it.
It drives and feeds these remorseless, emotional predators more to believe they can do whatever they want. Expose their game and they will try to destroy you without a care in the world. Whether you have children or not. Whether you are innocent or even bedridden. They can only see themselves and what they want. No one else counts. Their narcissistic rage will kick in and attack anyone or anything that gets in their way.
They will even hide behind their own children for sympathy with an "upstanding family man" facade to those who might start seeing through them. Their children will act as though they hung the moon because they thirst for their time. This is because they only get crumbs of the predator parent's attention anyway.
It is basically like finding out you were conned by a programmed robot or eaten by a killing machine like a shark, and nothing else.
Before you know it - they are off for their next meal... their next fix.
Give yourself a chance to see through them. It helps to put two and two together to look at the reality and not the facade.
We are entitled to go through stages of our pain while trying to cope and recover. This process gets delayed due to re-victimization. A good example would be the reactions and rage from narcissistic predators, emotional rapists and spiritual vampires can cause a survivor to experience trauma again only this time in another form depending on the route of attack the predator takes to hurt their victim.
It is still be necessary to tell the truth about the person who continues to hurt others and lie, cheat and steal lives from people. In fact, it is your duty. This is not revenge but an important step in healing, receiving validation and making sure the predator and his future victims get help, if possible.
No matter how hard the victimizer tries to cover up, hide, threaten, accuse, etc.... all the lashing out in the world isn't going to make them right or their lies into truth. They can manipulate all the people in their path, but the truth will always be the truth and sooner or later their lies will catch up to them. Even when a narcissistic predator believes his own lies, he can't escape the consequences somewhere down the line.
Finding out the truth is devastating, but it is necessary. How they react to you finding out confirms that truth even more. It makes the a deal breaker.
If you can't get just how unfeeling and inhuman they are, or realize just how detached they are from any remorse or empathy check out the seduction science techniques mentioned in previous posts. It is sickening to evaluate the coercive & exploitative content of communication between these absolute volatile creatures of predation.
This is what they are underneath. They fake the 'friendship' they sucked you into when you needed a friend the most. Predators hunt the wounded, and like any predator they preyed on you at your most vulnerable.
Here's a symbolic illustration for those who may not quite see it clearly yet...
On a back porch in the evenings right before Fall, at the same time every night, swarms of mesquites start to circle around while trying to stay hidden at the same time. Before you know it you 've been bit more than once without realizing it and you now feel the sting. They are out to feed and they know how to get away with it.
It drives and feeds these remorseless, emotional predators more to believe they can do whatever they want. Expose their game and they will try to destroy you without a care in the world. Whether you have children or not. Whether you are innocent or even bedridden. They can only see themselves and what they want. No one else counts. Their narcissistic rage will kick in and attack anyone or anything that gets in their way.
They will even hide behind their own children for sympathy with an "upstanding family man" facade to those who might start seeing through them. Their children will act as though they hung the moon because they thirst for their time. This is because they only get crumbs of the predator parent's attention anyway.
It is basically like finding out you were conned by a programmed robot or eaten by a killing machine like a shark, and nothing else.
Before you know it - they are off for their next meal... their next fix.
SURVIVING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
SHRAPNEL
By Lily DeVilliers
One of the real problems that I have with the current societal view of abuse survivors is the heavy emphasis on self-help-centered 'healing' and 'recovery' from the abuse.
Domestic violence falls under the category of 'traumatic shock' - any event that destroys the internalized set of assumptions, patterns and understandings that we all use to operate in the world every day. Along with combat veterans, earthquake victims, hostages and prisoners of war, survivors of spousal abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to incorporate the new information that the people closest to you can actually be the most dangerous.
The problem with self-help overall in this context - the 12-step programs, soul-soothing books, meditation and general emphasis on moving on, moving forward and leaving behind - is that it may be working directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Self-help seems to assume what the name already implies: that the source of the problem is in the victim's perception of her own self, not of the external world, and can be fixed or addressed by applying personal change. For a survivor who has already had her world-view profoundly altered by domestic abuse, forcing a re-assessment of the self before the world-view is reintegrated may appear to produce good results, but in many cases it may be working against permanent long-term recovery.
Self-help urges several things that make sense individually, but which add up to a tangle of contradictions when taken together. The survivor is variously urged to 'move on at once' but also not to 'repeat patterns'; to 'learn from the experience' but not to 'blame others'; to 'empower herself' so as to avoid further abuse and at the same time to 'accept responsibility' for her part in it. She's to 'examine what happened' but not to 'brood' or to 'dwell'. None of these directives makes sense.
Traumatic shock and the genuine need to rebuild a new world view make these conflicting instructions seem reasonable, but overall they add up to greater confusion and psychic splitting rather than less. If a survivor is to figure out what was missing from her reality before the abuse, but she's not allowed to be 'overly negative' or 'play the victim' by blaming anyone else, then the only person she can end up finding responsible is herself. And yet being 'empowered' is supposedly the key to avoiding further abuse.
So does that mean a survivor who takes responsibility for being abused the first time is sending a firm message to future abusers? And if it happens again, is it her fault again for not being 'empowered' enough to avoid it?
It makes a great deal more sense to just allow the survivor to speak clearly about the abuser: what he appeared to be, what she sees him as now, and what actions, issues and behaviours from him might account for the difference, rather than turning her eyes in towards her own self.
It makes more sense to allow her to compare that difference to what she's previously believed to be true about men, and then to expand that knowledge to include pathologies like battering, rather than insisting that she just change the view of herself. It would make more sense to allow her to develop anger and force and clarity, rather than urging transcendence and imposed serenities.
The trouble with the self-help approach for spousal abuse is that in this context, responsibility does belong elsewhere than the victim. And learning from the experience does inevitably involve increased negativity about human nature. These are the real tools that will allow survivors to rise again with increased strength, not hamper them.
ORIGINAL SOURCE
Domestic violence falls under the category of 'traumatic shock' - any event that destroys the internalized set of assumptions, patterns and understandings that we all use to operate in the world every day. Along with combat veterans, earthquake victims, hostages and prisoners of war, survivors of spousal abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to incorporate the new information that the people closest to you can actually be the most dangerous.
The problem with self-help overall in this context - the 12-step programs, soul-soothing books, meditation and general emphasis on moving on, moving forward and leaving behind - is that it may be working directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Self-help seems to assume what the name already implies: that the source of the problem is in the victim's perception of her own self, not of the external world, and can be fixed or addressed by applying personal change. For a survivor who has already had her world-view profoundly altered by domestic abuse, forcing a re-assessment of the self before the world-view is reintegrated may appear to produce good results, but in many cases it may be working against permanent long-term recovery.
Self-help urges several things that make sense individually, but which add up to a tangle of contradictions when taken together. The survivor is variously urged to 'move on at once' but also not to 'repeat patterns'; to 'learn from the experience' but not to 'blame others'; to 'empower herself' so as to avoid further abuse and at the same time to 'accept responsibility' for her part in it. She's to 'examine what happened' but not to 'brood' or to 'dwell'. None of these directives makes sense.
Traumatic shock and the genuine need to rebuild a new world view make these conflicting instructions seem reasonable, but overall they add up to greater confusion and psychic splitting rather than less. If a survivor is to figure out what was missing from her reality before the abuse, but she's not allowed to be 'overly negative' or 'play the victim' by blaming anyone else, then the only person she can end up finding responsible is herself. And yet being 'empowered' is supposedly the key to avoiding further abuse.
So does that mean a survivor who takes responsibility for being abused the first time is sending a firm message to future abusers? And if it happens again, is it her fault again for not being 'empowered' enough to avoid it? It makes a great deal more sense to just allow the survivor to speak clearly about the abuser: what he appeared to be, what she sees him as now, and what actions, issues and behaviours from him might account for the difference, rather than turning her eyes in towards her own self.
It makes more sense to allow her to compare that difference to what she's previously believed to be true about men, and then to expand that knowledge to include pathologies like battering, rather than insisting that she just change the view of herself. It would make more sense to allow her to develop anger and force and clarity, rather than urging transcendence and imposed serenities.
The trouble with the self-help approach for spousal abuse is that in this context, responsibility does belong elsewhere than the victim. And learning from the experience does inevitably involve increased negativity about human nature. These are the real tools that will allow survivors to rise again with increased strength, not hamper them.
ORIGINAL SOURCE
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