Transgender @ MindSay 
so i have been thinking lately, about my taste in music.
it's actually rather confusing, really.
i'm really into anything with a good dance beat, most music from the 80s...lots of 50s-60s oldies and also emo/punk pop and some hip-hop/r&b.
hell, i won't lie...i also like the 90s country.
but i have wondered if some people view my masculinity a little more skewed or not at all because i gravitate to music that is pretty much "traditionally" viewed as the taste of a homosexual man.
which is fine..i'm a gay transman.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT...are some viewing me as female because i like that stuff? and what is "manly" music anyway?
not that i care...it was just something i was thinking about.
for instance, i love ABBA!! and Madonna...i just downloaded a metric TON of it last week. i dunno. maybe i am a girly boy.
i don't care, though.
-kage jonas
So I needed somewhere to type a journal and a friend hooked me up. So here it is my shiney new journal. So I am going to begin to talk about things that seem to bother my mind. Like my name. My name is Jessica by law. I was given this name at birth because i was born with a vagina. Now as a little kid I dressed and acted like a girl for the most part. I was a tomboy but still acted like a girl. High school came and I began dressing and acting like a guy more and more. Mostly without even realizing what I was doing. I did have ppoints where I acted real girly but always went back to being this manly so called lesbian. Anyways so I just went on living life as a masculine female. But December of 2007 I was introduced to the world of drag. I would be a female dressed exactly like a male facial hair and everything. So with the help of a friend or two I tape down the tatas and went out as a guy. Oh was it fun and felt so comfortable being seen as a guy. I feel like I have more self confidence when I am viewed as a male. So since that I have been doing a lot of thinking and going out more often as a guy. Even once and a while performing as a drag king at area bars. I love the different life I have as a male. When I am dressed like a male my name is Jake and I love being called Jake. Most people know that and call me that full time instead of my real birth name, Jessica. The more and more I live my day to day life the more and more I see that I am currently living as the wrong sex. When i enter into a public bathroom I go into the one with the picture of a person in a dress for women. While in there i feel awkward and like I am not where I should be. When i am in the bathroom and I am getting ready to get in the shower and i glance over at the mirror and see a female body. I do not like what I see. I see the proper face but from the neck down I am all wrong. I know it. When I wear pants made for the female I feel awkward in my own clothes. There is a sense of having to walk different in them. Not sure what that is. For Christmas I asked for some new clothes but only clothes I pick out so that way I can buy mens clothes. I just want to start living my life how I want it to be, not how other want it to be. I was at Kmart the other day with my mom and i showed her some cologne i want. I point out this mens cologne and instead of saying okay she says "Why cant you smell like a girl?" I didnt exactly know what to say to this. Only a few of my friends know about me and my so called gender questioning. So therefore my mom has no clue. Anyways all I could reply with was that I dont want to smell like a damn flower. I instantly switch the conversation onto something else. A day or two ago my grandmother asked if I wanted to go buy a nice girly sweater for christmas and I just said I am going to wear a shirt and tye. How she took that comment is up to her. I drop such comments once and a while just to see what gets said by my family and or friends. I dont think if I ever decided to come out to them about wanting to be a male that it would be well accepted. I love my family to death but I just feel more and more distant as time goes on. I go to holidays dressed in mens clothes and walk and act like a guy b ut no one seems to get it. They still even crack gay jokes when I am around like its not obvious I date girls. Ever notice every holiday I bring a female and she gets introduced as my friend. Wierd huh? Anyways thats about it for today. I want to take a nap since I will be up late tonight at the bar.
it would appear that everyone i touch is trans.
let me first explain myself:
it seems like some of my friends who i am rather close to are suddenly trans.
now that it's been almost 2 years for me and i'm getting much more comfortable with not having the money to do anything about it (i wish i did, but what can you do?)...some of my friends are experimenting with transsexuality.
it's funny. i could be a jerk and say that they are "copying" me. or i could just say the truth: i'm some sort of role model.
it's flattering, but unnerving a little as well. i have had 3 close friends become drag kings (2 are my sons, one is my brother...i will explain that in another post)...and begin to experiment with gender and the idea of permanent transition.
it's a strange world. maybe it's the water? lol
-kage jonas
the phrase "in their own way"...back-handed compliment or not?
whenever someone says "oh, she's beautiful....in her own way..."
it sort of makes my blood boil. being beautiful is just that, it doesn't matter who or what you are...you just are.
so why cheapen the compliment by adding "in her/his own way"? why not just let it be what it is.
oh, and in packy news....mine is die-die-dying...so i need to purchase a new one.
lately, i've been wanting to purchase a man-go
but thanks you-tube for having me addicted to you and constantly scanning the ftm videos for a "how to make an stp".
oh, and by-the-by an "stp" stands for:
Stand
To
Pee (prosthesis)
it's relatively easy and more cost effective to make one than to purchase a more expensive product. i estimate it costing around $25 to make an STP as opposed to the $65+ for a mango (and the special harness). so let's see how well this goes, shall we? lol.
-kage jonas
even if you look like a very burly man in a dress and wig...or a scrawny girl in a baggy suit and fake facial hair- you are beautiful.
can you imagine what it must be like to wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror...know that it will take far more to change it than just make-up...and still continue on? it's depressing, but you have to go on.
all i can think is that i am one of the lucky ones.
so many blogs and forums are dedicated to "popularity" and "beauty"...but not the way you would think. so many are the kind where you post a picture of yourself and the community gushes about "how well you pass" or "how i want your sideburns" or "you're so sexy"...and they gloss over the trans-population that doesn't pass as well or that isn't the most pleasing to the ill-informed eye. it just disgusts me after awhile.
if i needed to be validated by other vain transfolk, i would surely have started my own blog as something of the same sort...but i do not. it just seems like the only kind of "community" i can find online is of that type and i'm tired of it.
everyone who is trans is beautiful. it's high-time everyone started to realize it.
-kage jonas
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