Totally @ MindSay

everytime i'm seriously pursued, i get all nervous and have these

feelings of, "i'm going to puke on your shoes, go away." or "this

is so wrong, it just is." but i make myself lose sleep over guys

that have never even heard of me?!

i just... wow. there's something wrong with me. sophomore year

i told my very strange friend blake that i was inept. of course, i

thought badly of myself because it was my fat year, i'd just gone

through a mid-teen crisis, and i was, in my opinion, surrounded

by retards. i messed up a lot, and i was troubled by a strange

past and an unsure future. and to make matters worse, i was in

love with the biggest bad-boy indy's high school had every

produced.

and in some way, not all, i'm still really, really inept. especially

when it comes to relationships, i guess it's just chapstick,

chapped lips, and things like chemistry... or maybe it's maybeline,

the world may never know.

i've been talking to sean quite a bit these days. he's a guy i'm

really comfortable around, i can joke around with him, be myself...

and i enjoyed talking to him! but then at the game... oh, sit back

mindsay and enjoy this story...

it all started with random conversations in person, followed by random "chats" on facebook. all in fun, all in jest, all really light and hilarious. just a good time had by all. it was really neat to talk to a guy, not just in passing, but quite frequently, and not get all nervous that they'd look at my like i was stupid, or look at me like  i was a piece of meat. just, a guy friend. totally cool, right?

and then i was going to go to the basketball game. i figured lots of my friends would be there, even though i'd only really talked to sean about it. he's the only one who asked if i was going! i got there first and saw NO ONE i knew so i sat by myself up in the corner on the "student side." man, students are the ones actually attending classes, scraping for pizza money, and enduring the stresses of, COLLEGE! yet the students always get the shaft when it comes to seating... so he comes in, wearing his k-state hat (yah, he's a wildcat fan. that right there should tell me something's up!). he's all, well he's sean. he's always cool, never ruffled, and if he is he starts talking incoherent sentences and he gets all red. it's kind of funny. but no, he was cool that night. he walked over, after givine me the upwards nod (meaning i'm cool too. hah! urbandictionary.com THAT!). he sits down beside me, starts talking. he started out sitting over a foot and a half away from me. by the end of the second game, he was within six inches. that sounds like a lot, but it's not. that's totally within my igloo. some people have a bubble, a zone, personal space, well i have an igloo, and he was encroaching on it. and the alarms started going off.

now, usually i get these signals, these vibes, because i know what i'm doing is wrong because my parents don't know, or i'm sneaking around, or whatever. but this was different. i mean, he's talking to me and the basketball game is going on, and i'm not even paying attention. i'm ciphering through my issues. my mid-teen crisis taught me many things, one of which was sorting out my thoughts. that's why i'm so adicted to blogging and journaling. i have to specially process my thoughts, immediately! or i'll go nuts. so i was totally disassociated with the world around me for a good thirty minutes. don't get me wrong, i was so inept that i totally fumbled the conversation football, i kept up. but i was a little distant. i don't think he caught on...

something about sitting so close to him and being alone with him just drove me nuts, not in a "Oh my gosh i love him! this is awesome!" nuts way... it was more of a, "this is wrong, this is so wrong!" and i don't get it. i mean, technically, if i really wanted: he'd be wrapped around my little finger within a matter of seconds. but something about the whole thing, him, where we were, how we've been "connecting" as friends, that just made it feel so wrong.

well, it's a good thing that my mom was preoccupied that night because a] i got home late and b] i would have spilled my guts, and that was just the wrong thing to do at that moment. some things are easier to process with other's help, but not this. this was a personal thing...

i didn't talk to him all weekend. i was afraid to start a conversation with him, for fear he'd get the wrong idea, again. or perhaps i was just blowing it all out of proportion and it wouldn't matter whether i talked to him or not because he's just a friendly guy! right?! well i talked to him on monday, in class. and he kept looking at me weird. i shook it off, i had spanish to go! i talked to him later that night on facebook, just a quick little conversation that turned into a two hour discussion on proper grammar and other assorted nothings. and stupid me, didn't even think about the ramifications of it! at the close of the conversation, around 11 or so, he said he'd see me in the halls or call me about doing something over break... now, i know sean is friendly to ALL girls, even flirtatious WITH ALL GIRLS. but, he doesn't call girls over thanksgiving break and hang out with them on days off...

well, i was hoping i wouldn't see him, just in case you know, i wouldn't have to see him! well, ptk meeting in the anchor. i went. just me and him and karen. awkward. after the meeting i asked him if he was swimming in the morning. he said he wasn't because he wasn't spending the night at luke's. and then he asked me what i was doing on wednesday night... thank good God in heaven that i'm going to the movies with my mom!

i should be flattered, and swooning, because he is a] a nice guy, b] a gentleman, c] smart, d] not that bad looking... i mean, he's a pretty cool guy! but i really don't want to ruin this unattached friendship we have going. i mean, it's fun. and i haven't had fun since before gaige got too serious.

i think i've become one of those girls that when it becomes to close to reality, i get freaked and back out. or i force people out. i didn't think i was like that... but i can see now, after my experiences, perhaps that's easier.

i'm waiting for the guy who keeps me completely at ease. who makes my heart beat comfortably rise. who is like my favorite song, the one i know every word, that one that doesn't surprise me, at least not in a bad way. somebody who's all those things i want and need. and i'm not settling. i'm not. and if this uncomfortable feeling of just knowing it's wrong, wrong place, wrong time, wrong guy, then so be it. i'd rather pass up a million and two guys to find just the one who is perfect in every way. well, as perfect as a man can be! i mean, i'm not holding on to unrealistic expectations. but i truly believe that if God's giving me these feelings now, He's got something better for me down the pike. and faith has to play the main role here. otherwise, i may go nuts.

and going nuts is never looks good on me.

oi. i just wish boys had cooties still...

it was amazing. indescribably beautiful.

totally winter, totally wonder, totally

slammin'.

we hung out with madison, my mom's

best friend's from highschool daughter...

if that made sense. she was a little shy,

but texas girls get over it! she had a

great time with us, and i can't wait till

we go see them in texas! =]

b. reith played first. pretty awesome,

cute, God-fearing man.  never heard

of him before, but he was GREAT. if

tobymac was a crooner, b. reith would

be him.

family force 5. wow. they were, uhmazing.

mazing. it was one of the craziest shows

i've ever seen, but it was amazing! the

synthesizer nadaddy played, the weird

jackets chapstique and fatty had on, the

queer dancing by xanadu, the high

pitched choruses from crouton, and of

course SGA's hulk hands. and i knew

every word of every song. it was all i

had dreamed of and more! because after

the show, i got the inside scoop that ff5

would be signing stuff. heck yess. count

me in! i bought the hulk hands t-shirt and

they signed that, my ticket, AND i got

nadaddy to sign my headband. i told him

i wore it because of him, he was touched.

chapstique had a bandage on his head

and he looked out of it, i'm guessing that

things got a little too crunk during the

finale...

i had to move from row d to row o, just

me, not the girls, before relient k. it was

heart breaking. i stopped to take some

shots of Matty T (my forever love) and

then headed back to the back, a lone.

i was still close, but at first i was heart

broken. and then they started playing

sadie hawkins dance. wow. this may

sound strange, but it was like a spiritual

moment between me and my first love:

Relient K. i came to the show for family

force 5, but Relient K will always be my

favorite. i know every word by heart,

and every song has profound meaning

to me. i almost cried, which is ridiculous,

especially when they were playing chap-

stick, chapped lips, and things like

chemistry... but those who have all-time

favorite bands will know that when you

hear them play LIVE, whether it's the

first time or the hundredth time: the

feeling is always renewed and the joy

comes in ten-fold what you anticipated.

i didn't want to stay for tobymac, but i

did. i found myself unable to leave in the

middle of the last song of his set, which

was weird because i don't even really

like tobymac all that much! well let me

tell you: his show will change your life!

you could tell that he and his crew literally

loved what they did. and when, in the

middle of his set, he gave a brief testimony

and sang "lose my soul," i raised my

hands and the municipal auditorium

transformed from this punkrock concert

to the best worship experience i've

had to date... and it was like that with

some of the other songs too, it wasn't

just hip hop with a message, it was...

truth.

and truth shines brighter than any strobe light.

if you get the chance to see winter wonder

slam, i highly recomend it. it's

uh-may-zing. (may-zing).

The light petals of heavenly tears flow across your face

And yet I hear you quicken your pace

I know you felt something when we kissed

It's not something that you can just miss.

In our silence we hide the loudest of secrets in our hearts

It feels as if you'd do anything to tear that apart.

I have reached once again, or something special

Rested my head, was held close, and nestled

A eulogy to myself I buried deep

For all this pain that I gave, there's just one thing we can keep.

When we walk in the rain.

I don't know if anyone can actually read this but, I'll just keep typing anyway since I have to get this outta my chest for good now.

I was just 18 and life was smiling at me in so many ways, i'd just gotten my first job and it's probably the best job i've ever had (i'm 21 now) and even romance was seemed to be caressing me. Anyway, I thought i'd met the man of my  life, yeah, i'd have to admit that he was (oops, is!) much more older than men, but to me age was never an issue and still isn't. He had wit and passion that i'd so long for. He showed me how much he was interested in me, how much was willing to go to prove that he wanted to spend his life with me, but, my God, was I wrong!!!!

After he was dismissed from where we were working, things went downhill, specially my sanity and my hopes. He never called to say why he left, i had to call him therefore. We lost contact for about 6 months and finally when i couldn't take it anymore, i decided to disguise myself through e-mails in order to get him back again, which I did. After 1 month, one short ridiculous month, he practically broke up with me saying that it wasn't meant to be and that I was being too tough with him by not willing to please him.

The next following 5 months were pure nightmares and pain. I coudlnt for 1 day stop thinking about him, everything reminded me about him. I blamed myself for not being whom he wanted me to be, for not loving him the way he wanted and for being a failure in love.

Months went by again and we crossed roads again (I now curse that day) he wrote me an email saying how much he missed me and all that crap that men tell you when they want a girl back... Unfortunately I fell for that and decided to give it another chance.

Keep in mind that my family nor ANYONE knew about this relationship with him, I tried to tell my mom but she disaproved without hessitating, so I decided to keep it secret because there was no point in trying to convince my mom nor anyone about our 'love'.

For the next year and half we stayed in this secret relationship and yeah, we had our ups and downs.

One event made me realise that he was the most unreliable man i've known. He lost his job here and had to practically move to another state to get a job and keep up with his bills and have money, he never told me, he never said goodbye, so I thought that he had just vanished from this planet and that he was never gonna come back.

I won't lie, I tried to commit suicide, I had the baddest depression of my life, I even lost about 20 to 30 lbs and my family began to get worried. Even after all this, he came back and stupid me, took him back. He explained why he had to go and that he had no choice and that it was a last minute thing that he had to do.

Our personal life went very well, i'd see him about 1 a month when he came back and everything went well....I began also to see and analyse this "relationship" i was in. I knew that it was all lies when he said that he wanted to have children with me and marry me. I began to develop a hatred toward him and alot of resent and disappointment in all this.

It's been 2 months since i've seen him and even though I know that i've been the most stupid girl ever for doing this, my concious is safe. Why? well, I did love him, I meant every single word I said to him and cherished every second I spend with him.

Now, it's my turn to "disappear" and he will never EVER hear from me ever again. I know, for a fact, that he will NEVER find a girl as young, loyal and loving as me, and I realise why he's still single at his age!!!.