Tom Cruise @ MindSay

Last night on SKYPE, someone asked me a question I often get.  "Do you really interview all those celebrities?"  Which got me thinking.  I haven't done one in awhile, so I called up my good, pregnant friend in Beverly Hills: Katie Holmes.  This is my second interview with Katie and I am so happy she could oblige me again.  (The first: http://redhat.mindsay.com/katie_holmes_interview_with_rancette.mws)

RANCETTE: Thank you for joining me today, Katie.

Katie has a wide grin.

KATIE HOLMES (SOON TO BE CRUISE): No problem.

R: I can't believe you're so pregnant.

KH(STBC):  I know.  It seems like just the other day I got pregnant....

R: That's nice.  Now, I've heard the latest reports where you have accompanied Tom your fiance on interviews ... and you're just smiling throughout the whole interview, even when Tom talks about his past abuse.

Katie just sits there smiling.

R (CONT'D): So I was wondering, are you brainwashed?

KH(STBC):  You know, some people might think that, but I am the happiest girl in the world.  I have a mansion I share with the best actor in the world, I have my own sonogram machine, and pretty soon I'm going to have a cute baby.

R: But you didn't answer my question, Katie.  Are you BRAINWASHED?

KH(STBC): Even if I am brainwashed, which I'm NOT, who could ask for anything more?

R: I heard reports that you are going to name the baby "D'Ellen" after Ellen Degeneres?

KH(STBC): WHAT!? Oh, no, see Ellen and us came up with a scheme.  We told the press we had come up with a name, but that was fake.  We're really going to name it....

Katie has been smiling throughout the interview, up until this point.

KH(STBC) (CON'TD):  OH MY GOSH. MOTHERF*@#!!!!!!!!

R: What's going on!?!?!?!?

KH(STBC): I'm going into labor. Oh my MOTHERF*@#ing #@$*%#$~!!!!!!!!

R: Katie, I heard you want to partake in the Silent Birth method.  That means when you're in labor, you have to keep noise to a minimum and no cursing.

KH(STBC):   *@#$ @#$@#****@#$@*** *@#$*@*#$*@*#*@#*$*@#*!!!!!!!!!

The baby is born.  It has two heads.

R: What are you going to name it??!

KH(STBC): I heard Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are considering adoption.  I don't wanna baby with two heads.  They can have this baby.

R: You mean you couldn't tell the baby had two heads from the sonogram machine?

Katie bursts into tears and dangles the baby over the window ledge.  She's on the front cover on the L.A. Times the next morning.  Ashton & Demi adopt the baby and name the baby Karmalita & Georgianna (a name for each head).  So in response to as to whether these interviews are real: Truth is stranger than fiction.

I had an idea.  To travel to the future and interview Katie Holmes while she was hot in the present.  That way everyone would know what happened to her, before they stopped caring!

RANCETTE: It is the year 2060 and I'm joined by an 80 year old Katie Holmes.  Katie, how many times have you been married, and how long did your marriage to Tom Cruise last?

KATIE:  We never got married.  Once Lindsay Lohan turned eighteen, he was knocking on her door.

R: Lindsay Lohan had been of age for quite awhile, but it took Tom Cruise a few years to realize that.

K: She had some issues to work out.  Like her anorexia.  And it took some time to convert her to his faith and stuff.

R: So you only had that one child with Tom Cruise.

K:  Yes, her name is Suri.  She turns 53 very soon.

R: And your other other husbands?

K: I tried going back to Chris Klein for awhile.  That didn't work out, especially for my publicity.  So I met & married Brandon Routh, Superman, but divorced him after he became just another Mark Hamill, a one hit wonder.  The guy from Star Wars.

R: Uh, yes, I know.  So talk about your last film, "Miercoles, Wednesday."

K: Oh my, that was thirty years ago.  I must have been fifty.  How young I was then!

R: You played the mother?

K: That was supposed to be my "All About Eve", but instead it was my "Light/Dark."

R: Oh, Julia Roberts' last film?

K: Yes.

R:  That didn't do well, yes, but she acted right up until her death.  While "Miercoles" was a whole thirty years ago and ended your career.

K: I guess you're right.  I'm a failure.  No I'm not!  I still get fan letters from my Dawson Creek days.  Now that they're showing re-runs.

R: About how many fan letters do you get a week?

K: Three, or four, I mean FIFTY!  Yes, some weeks I get two hundred, but usually fifty a week.  I can barely keep up at my age.

R:  Well, thank you Katie for another interview.

[by phone]

R: So you're with Tom Cruise?

KH: Yes, aren't I the luckiest girl in the world?!

R: I don't know, isn't he gay?

KH: NO! You are sadly mistaken. I know the wonderful truth, firsthand.

R: Please don't go into detail. But you don't really want lesbian rumors going on about you, do you?

KH: Oh no. Can't everyone tell how straight I am? Besides, I've been in love with Tom Cruise since I was a little girl.

R: Right, I read that. "Psycho Fan Makes Good."

KH: Oh no. I'm not a psycho fan. The best part is how I worked so hard to get where I am now. This was all in my plan to someday marry Tom Cruise.

R: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down! You aren't married yet.

KH: Well, gosh, no, but we will be. Exclamation mark! [sic]

R: Um ok. so tell me, no interference from Nic?

KH: Who?

R: Um, I'm assuming since you're a psycho Tom Cruise fan you've seen Far and Away and Eyes Wide Shut.

KH: Ohhhhh, you mean Nicooooole. His EX. Emphasis on the word EX. you know what I mean?

R: I heard that the reason Tom & Penelope Cruz broke up was because he was still over-friendly with Nic. I mean Nicole.

KH: Yeah, I mean you know they have to have a reason to tell the newspapers and mags and stuff, but really, I haven't even met Nic yet.

R: So when Nic comes into the pic will you get jealous? What if you're afraid he likes her more than you.

KH: Oh no no no, you don't understand. Nicole will never stand in the way of our love. I mean Tom would never like even call Nicole.

[background noise]

KH (to Tom): Honey, who is that on the phone? (to R) uh huh, excuse me, he was just talking to his mother.

R: I would check the number to make sure it's not his ex if you know what I mean.

KH: Penelope? No, he doesn't talk to her. She has the HOT Matthew McConaghey.

R: No, I mean he's probably talking to Nicole.

KH: Oh my gosh, like why would he do that?

R: So I have a couple more questions.

KH (to Tom): Oh that's so cute, I like how you kissed your mom over the phone. But that kinda was too drooly for your momma, wasn't it?

R: Um, Katie, I just wanted to ask about when you were 40, and he was 60.

KH: OHhh gross, I didn't think about that. Well, you know, right off the bat, I mean I think that you know, that um, well, let's see. ok? By then, Demi will probably be 60. and then Ashton will probably be tired of her, so maybe I can hook up with Ashton and I can leave Tom and it'll be all good. We'll have had a nice, happy marriage and he'll die or I'll like divorce him. I mean it will be sad to see him go, but it'll be sadder to see him grow old.

R: Uh, I see. Well thank you it was nice talking to you.

KH (to Tom): What the @#*&?! That wasn't your mother? That was Nicole!!! You no good mother*#(@&$* son of a #*$& you $*(*##

[Phone line goes dead]

THE END

Last week, we reported on the bizarre video of Tom Cruise discussing Scientology that had leaked onto the Web. Today, a spoof from Jerry O'Connell has emerged on Will Ferrell's "Funny or Die" web site. I can't think of anything else of significance that Jerry O'Connell has contributed to the world, but this is pretty amusing.  Enjoy