Toilet Paper @ MindSay 
Who's freaking bright idea was it to produce TOILET PAPER with the same flipping kind to your ass greasy stuff? So your shit can be shittier? Seriously, I don't need greasy T.P. .... my ass is not that dry and I tend not to blow it like my nose.
So again .... who's flipping bright idea was this ????
Peace. Julie
How to Change a Roll of Toilet Paper
“Crap,” you say to yourself. And maybe you laugh a little in your head because it’s a pun. But unless you’re weird like me (I laugh randomly in public all the time. People stare.), you probably just gape at the nude cardboard toilet paper roll. Because it’s not funny.
Changing the roll of toilet paper in your home is a vital skill that many people seem to lack. In most households, one person is informally selected to develop and exercise this ability so that the other members of the family may be free to perform their own special talents, such as misplacing your things and using your special shampoo.
The first step is to get a fresh roll of toilet paper. I recommend always keeping a sufficient stock right there in your bathroom. If you realize you need to change the roll too late, things could get embarrassing.
Next, it’s time to take the emaciated cardboard roll off. You do this by squeezing the bar inwards from both sides. There’s a spring in there, you see, and it contracts when you push the two ends together. It’s science.
When you’ve successfully freed the bar, slide off the cardboard tube. You can have all kinds of fun with that now. Put it up to your eye and you can spy on people. Put it up to your mouth and you have a trumpet (which is especially fun to do right in your dog’s ear). Cover it with peanut butter, roll it in bird seed, stick it on a tree branch, and - tada - you have a bird feeder.
Ok, now back to your actual task, replacing the roll of toilet paper. You want to slide the fresh roll on the bar so that the loose end faces outward. Some people say that the loose end should face the back, but they are horribly mistaken. Place it that way, and the loose end just gets lost and you have to spin it around a couple times and then suddenly there’s a bunch of paper on the ground and you have yourself a huge mess. So, you see, this way is better.
Now comes the tricky part. You have to squeeze the bar in again, and stick the ends in the little holes in the holder. What I do, to save my fingers from that god-awful pinch, is I stick one end in one hole, and press the other end against it. Then, you gently slide it until it snaps in place. Don’t worry if you don’t get it right away the first time, it may take some practice. It requires serious motor skills.
Once you do get it though, you may pat yourself on the back. You are now more courageous and knowledgeable than your non-toilet-paper-changing counterparts. Now, go make a bird feeder.
- For the kitty or toddler in all of us, interactive toilet paper.
- Swarm- a new way to browse the internet. Like picking at a tangled necklace.
- Build custom playlists with FineTune.
I'm hungry.
Yes, that's an absolutely real quote from the lovely Sheryl Crow about how we can save the environment by no longer wiping our asses.
Give me a fucking break, Michael. Ah, I love referencing things when nobody else is going to realize where it came from or that I am even, in fact, making a reference to something else. In addition to that, my parents are playing this fucking crappy music upstairs by the famous Weird Humming Ukulele Guy, and I can hear it all the way down here in the basement. Except that it's not crappy and I love the ukulele and want to learn how to play it. I don't know why I'm saying this but fuuuuuuuuudge.
But enough of that, let's discuss Sheryl Crow and her apparently squeakingly clean anus. How does anyone manage to use one square of toilet paper per restroom visit? One fucking square? How the hell are you supposed to "make it work" by using one square? Unless, of course, by "make it work", you really mean "use one square and then hope that your underwear catches the rest because you are smelly and don't bathe so nobody will notice". Hmph. Not to be outdone, Sheryl's younger brother suggested "how bout just washing the one square out." Yes, washing a single square of toilet paper. That cannot be a serious idea.
Well, I've pretty much run out of things to say about this, but what really needs to be said?
So the past few days there have been some things that have been THE WEIRDEST and some of the grossest things I've ever had happen to me....I still laugh when I think about them.
Wednesday night I went into Arby's with my friend Molly and we were just going to get some curly fries......not even thinking that Anthony works there now and there was a chance of me seeing him. So we get in the door, and the first thing I hear is his voice, which makes me kind of scared....right then I started breathing different and I was freaking out a little bit inside. He was on drive through and we were just waiting for someone to ring us up so we could leave. Well, almost ten minutes passed, and we still hadn't been helped. Anthony came up to get some food for the people he just took an order for and gave me this really mean look. I started kind of hyperventalating, and Molly said we should go to the bathroom. I told her right away that we had to leave no matter what, even though we hadn't ate yet, and we'd go somewhere else. The reason why I was freaking out is because of what I found out about Anthony after everything happened...and all the lies he told me....and that he said he was going to come and kill us all (everyone who works with me)-and being that he works across the street, it's kinda scary.
Last night I hung out with Molly, and we went to another town to visit her boyfriend (bob...yes that's his real name), at his work. So we get out of the far when we got there, and there were two guys looking at us, and they wouldn't look away (I could see them out of my peripheral vision lol). So we went into the gas station, and they came in a little while after we did. Molly and I sat at one of the booths, and waited for Bob to get a little break. We thought the guys were only going to come in to pay for gas, but then they bought food and sat in the next booth....the guy that couldn't stop staring sat so he could see us. So we went to the bathroom, and didn't go back to the tables....Bob came up to us and was like "That guy wants your number.." and I was like "What?! Ewww no!" and he's like, "Yeah...." and I said he wasn't going to get my number no matter what. We talked with Bob for a little while, and then we had to go....but all the while--that boy didn't take his eyes off me for more than a few seconds to look at what he was eating. A few hours we came back, and Bob was like "So, I'm pretty sure that guy wanted you bad...he wouldn't stop staring at you!" and yeah then I asked what exactly they said, and apparently the older one was like "so you should definetly hook him up with your friend....the one with glasses." Yeah....I've been hit on sooooooo many times in the past two weeks, it's so weird...considering the fact that it barely happened before.
Then today I had to work, but there was a meeting before.......so yeah. That was pretty fun because none of us can remember all of what they told us because we were laughing at dumb things that were going on while they were talking. BUT THIS IS THE PART WHERE IT GETS GROSS.....this little boy came up and said they needed toilet paper in the guys bathroom, so I went back and got some. Well the little boy was standing against the wall, so I thought he was just waiting for me to put some in there or something. I opened the door, toilet paper in hand, and there was a guy dumping a load in the toilet. I heard him say "Oh I'm sorry" and laugh as I closed the door and went back into the back of Subway laughing my ass off. I told Toni and Adam what happened and then we laughed...again. It was fricken hilarious, but soooo embarassing. I don't think I'm ever going to live this one down lol.
But yeah that's my stories for the past few days...it should make up for the entries I've lacked on posting for a while.
haha.
<3 Nicole
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