Todd @ MindSay

Last night on my way out of Kim's car, I found out that Kim's mom told her that maybe she should stop talking to me and not be my friend when I was dating Todd.  Because I guess that Kim was annoyed and upset that I didn't spend time with her and would go home and talk about it all with her mom pretty much everyday.  It did kinda hurt. But it's in the past first of all, secondly - she didn't do it.  Plus, I was an awful friend when I dated Todd.  Like...truly awful.  The only time I saw him was in school, so all of my time at harper was with him, and all of my outside of school time was with friends. At least it had some balance, but with Kim working like 24/7 it didn't leave her and I time. I told her that Todd didn't want me to be friends with her because she didn't support our relationship. Oh boy...you'd think I told her that I cut her tires (Kim's car is very important to her). She was swearing...doing an evil laugh...and hitting the stearing wheel. It was pretty scary - not gonna lie.  She was saying she should have waited in the Jewel parking lot for him when she had the chance and was asking where he worked now and all kinds of stuff. It's been a long time since I'd seen her so mad.  I don't even know how it came out.  Because we were talking and she said that she hoped I wasn't mad and understood, etc, and I said it was fine I had heard the same.  She did say though that yeah she didn't support the relationship, but that she had always supported me and been there for me. I hate drama.

So yep. One year today since Todd and I broke up. And almost one month since Kevin and I broke up.  Kinda rough on a girl. Especially her day off....today is also my aunt Suzi's birthday, and Joshuas (Todd's best friend).  Just kinda kicking back today. Feeling blah. Kinda slightly hiding....haven't even gone on aim, google talk, etc. Shocking...for me lol. I am so not going to want to go back to work on Wednesday....I love being able to sleep in. My moms still super sick. Well not sick...but she can't breath. So thats not good. I haven't heard anything from my doctor yet :/ *sigh* and thats pretty much life. I was hoping to go hang out with Laura today but........I <3 my bed. I think I'm going to take Karma to daycare tomorrow. I have some stuff to do tomorrow. comcast. go to the doctor with my mom...and not sure what else. Well time with maff of course. so Karma will need to be worn out.

.......I think it might be over.  for real.  tomorrow at 9.  my stomach hurts just thinking about it.  I hope it's not.  It can't be.  can it? 

So I'm not sure what to write. Or who I am writing to, or even who I'll let see this blog.  Hmm...I guess...I'm feeling kinda lost.  I guess thinking through everything has made me focus so much on my past. So much more than I wish I would.  Kind of tearing apart every detail of my life, my past, the people of my past.  Mostly relationships, those that were, those that I wish had been, and those that for some stupid reason - I went after.  I've had my fair share of crushes.  Much more than I wish I had.  Because I guess what I've realized, is when I fall, I fall hard.  Once I'm ready to be caught...now if I am or not...well thats been not more than it is.  And well relationships, were never my strong point.  Like seriously, never.  7th and 8th grade pretty much ruined whatever confidence I had in myself.  In a graduating class of 19 people, I felt so alone.  I had no one to turn to.  No one to talk to, or even to sit with.  I don't talk about it much, but I had a breakdown, in the lunch room of my school, about 11-1-00. (I pulled out my old journal).  After that I hardened myself.  A lot.  I turned off as many of my emotions as I could.  I tried not to care about anything.  Went to a counsler.  Who yelled at me.  Like screaming kind of yelling.  I was like 13, and already hated everything about my life.  That was the last time I saw her.  She had sent me to a psychiatrist who told my mom that I was social phobic.  Which I wasn't, I just had no one to be social with.  I guess that helped me to close myself up more.  I think it did a lot more harm than help.  The only friend I had was Zac, and I only got to see him maybe twice a month since he was about 6 hours away.  And all we'd do is annoy the heck out of each other, but they are still my best memories from that age.  Than they moved to GA, gas prices went up way too much, and it was a long time before I saw/talked to him again.  And we ended up losing his mom, Penny, to cancer...and we didn't find out till a few months later :(  It was so hard.  She was my moms ex fiancé's sister in law. Hah, how is that for a friendship.  My mom stayed close to his family though, and his mom, and I'm glad because when Penny lived here, we saw her a lot.  Heck she's the one that took my mom to the hospital.  But yeah, so that was then.  Little 13 year old me with like 1 friend.  Being picked on by the guys in my class quite a bit.  Sometimes confusing the heck out of me, like tickiling me during a fieldtrip, or coming into my hotel room when we were on a stay away fieldtrip.  Like I was ok - when no one was around, and harrased when there were others.  Though, if you ask my mom, thats the age she pretty much disliked me.  I was pretty much always angry with her. Always unhappy.  Always felt so rejected/alone/ugly.  I know that was the first time I truly started to have an extreme hatred for my body.  Probably the one good thing that came out of the project with Todd, was that I finally accepted my body.  It's the only good thing. But at least I can say there is one.  I def. was not ashamed of my body after that and having some kind of reassurance that I am decent looking.  I think some of my self image issues were tied up to my aunt.  It had been a few years of her going through phases of hospitilization for eating disorders, and suicide attempts.  She started when I was about 9.  At the age of 9, I knew more antidepressants than I should have.  I could ramble off the drug names like I was saying my ABC's.  Kinda sad for being so young.  But yeah, I mean for as much as Kenny and all of them made my life miserable, it would have been nice to get more of a sorry out of him. Though, thankfully, haven't heard from him in awhile.  I think Warren was the only nice person to me. Others would be, when there was no one around. hah yeah, and I so just sent a random myspace message.  Anyways, i think its good that I'm going through my life piece by piece.  Looking to what was good, and what was wrong.  *sigh*  Its just the more I look through my work stuff trying to clear it out and coming across my old emails from Todd, the more I see that my life was so messed up.  It took me a long time to be a better person than i was before, and I know that my last relationship with Kevin, added a lot to it helping me to push myself to be better, kind of cemented it. and I just don't want to go back to how I was.

This...is a lot of the manipulation/brainwashing I had to deal with in my life. No one has seen this list, at least all of it since it was written.  I've had to overcome a lot since all of this was written summer of 06. It's taken the last year to overcome it.  And every now and then when I'm feeling down, I slide back into it a great deal, like I am right now. It's a great deal of why I have so much trouble trusting people, and have so much trouble letting go of the people I trust.  It kinda explains a lot of my life I guess.  It's actually really hard for me to read all of it.  I haven't done so in a long long time. This along with my This is me list were mostly things I wrote out from all the things that I was told about myself from him.  Words put in my mouth if you will. I'm not sure why I'm putting it on here, but I am.  My own kind of self therapy. It was in my work email, so here it is, the things I was constantly told. It doesn't paste pretty but oh well. Never have I felt safer being out of that relationship...

 

I want to understand me.

How much I affect people- self importance

 

Fears set your limits, they stop you before you even start

Overcoming fears tell who you are, you learn your strengths and weaknesses

Facing fears is like taking a gamble where you can’t be afraid of the outcome, you can’t let that hold you back; it’s putting everything on the table, and being willing to lose it, while knowing that you might get it

My comfort zone created my fears, causing me to do the same things over and over without wanting to change things and don't know

 

A person will never put all their love into a relationship completely until they realize the sacrifices that come

You sacrifice independence in order to depend on the other person

 

When you know yourself understand your importance and accept that

 

You’ve got to let yourself follow what you want if you can't find the courage to pursue the things you want you will never have them

 

Real happiness doesn’t come from the size of your jeans. It comes from personal strength, self-respect and knowing yourself.

 

Being afraid of being myself is like being with someone you don't trust

 

I want to understand you and be able to apply it to the way I treat you.

 

Project the ways he could react and put that against what you know about him

 

My fears with the project created two sides; Todd vs. my family’s opinions.  THERE AREN’T TWO SIDES!!! YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE!!!  Everyone is going to judge you on something

 

The way he loves me should change my life by eliminating my fears

 

I should put his needs before my feelings.  Example: When he’s upset with me, he helps me first, he puts my needs before his feelings

 

I get everything from the people I give the least to and give the most to the people who deserve it the least

 

Melissa= Backup plan. She, along with other things in my life, are the things I can't let go of, because I’m afraid that if I lost Todd or he walked away, I want to have something to return back to.  In the back of my mind I’m making a pillow to fall onto if I get dropped. Can’t have any backup plans

 

Speaking with so many different people creates many mixed signals from everyone and can make me feel yanked around; take the time with each of my friends and really look at why I call them my friends, and why they call me their friend, DO THEY HAVE MY BEST INTEREST IN MIND? A true friend wants the best for their friend. If something goes bad, and I go to them, then I am relying on them more, creating a cycle.  A friendship is no responsibilities for sacrifice with all the benefits of a relationship.  You will be USED like a therapist

 

Fear-losing friends, of being alone

 

Can’t rely on friends and family to run my life, I need to be in charge and not ignore things so that I know how to take care of things

 

Going to Todd doesn’t drain him, NOT going does

 

I give but JUST enough where I’m not out of my comfort zone but enough to keep him around ~ MANIPULATION- reinforce the promises and things you know  want to be heard

 

I want to be able to help you

 

I want to know for sure that I trust you

 Having backup plans shows that I am still not trusting

 In order to trust, I must be vulnerable, and put it all on the line

 Fear is holding back my trust

 Fear of others opinions, and that I could be disrespected, isn’t allowing me to trust in the project, and to express my feelings

 

I want to treat you like my friends, to tell you exactly what I am feeling.

 

Friends should help build you and improve your life, instead of helping to create roadblocks and keeping you helpless

 I control my friendships and relationships, only me

 

I apologize for how I feel because I feel like the other person doesn't value my feelings, I have a fear of creating conflict

 

I want to give you advice like I would any of my friends.

 

I want to feel safe in the fact that I need you so much.
         Fear-losing friends

 

I want you to feel like you can and should trust me

 I want to feel like you are right in trusting me

 

I want to know what I need, and what you give to me, so that I can truly appreciate them.

 

I don’t want either one of us to have any doubts, about the project or about us.
 I want for the project to be redeemed.
 I want for your feelings about the project to be the same as they were before you had to unravel it so much for me.
 I want to love the project.
 How many of my “friends” would approve of the project, want what I want? If they don’t approve, they aren’t thinking of my wants and putting that first.

I want to feel like I don’t need baby steps to learn.

 

I want to feel like I can communicate well to you without needing a play-list of songs.
 
I want our friends to be encouraging. I want encouragement from outside of us.

 

I want perfection.  I know that we will fight and hurt, but years down the road; I just want to look back at everything and I want to say, “Wow, look at how great our life is, and look at how happy we are together.”
 I want to be able to enjoy my first and last relationship.  Lately there’s been too much hurt for me to feel ok with things.

 

I want to be responsible.

 I want to feel like I can handle those responsibilities.

 

I want to put you first in my life.  Your thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, needs and wants.
 I want you to be happy with me.  I want you to feel like there is no way you could be happier with anyone else, and I want to prove you right.
 I want you to be proud of me.
 I want you to not be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

 

I want others to see how great our relationship is, to know that we have God in our relationship and to want that too.

 

I don’t want us to have any regrets.

 

I want us to be happy, and not be so up and down emotionally.