I am pretty close to 26. I think I need to retrace my steps.
It's been a rough year, a crazy one, the years have been crazy, and they aren't slowing down.
1. Rachel F.
2. Lindsay M.
3. Jordan G.
4. Jillian W.
5. Jem R.
6. Anjinette A.
7. Emily B.
8. Jackie S.
9. Ria S.
10. Nicole R.
11. Savanah M.
12. Jenny W.
13. Ashley C.
15. Courtney R.
16. Chelsesa B.
18. Janelle A.
19. Kira C.
20. Katie M.
21. Meghann E.
22. Courtney G.
Hmm... That's quite a number for me, wasn't aware it got so high...
I don't know what I want anymore... For a long time, the goal was go to school, find a girl and be in a relationship and have fun with your cars... These days it's more like, have no freedom in your life, have sex with random women you don't even have strong feelings for, get more stories of crazy things in life and work a ton of hours at a job you make less money than you have since your 1st job in high school.
I don't even know if I want to date--- unfinished blog.
The emptiness of life can be paralyzing..
I'm 26, I am now living in my parent's basement, my bed is a yoga mat on the floor. I haven't managed to find work since I stopped going to ZENI, they couldn't afford to pay me, and I couldn't afford to show up and work for free. I can't legally drive. I cant drink alcohol. I can't leave, I am trapped here and unable to see reprieve. Life is horribly empty of anything substantial. I'm having trouble differentiating between dreams and reality again. I can't afford to go to the doctors anymore. I have three broken teeth which I cannon get fixed. I am 26 years old and my life seems to be falling apart, but I don't feel for it, I don't worry, I just feel empty, paralyzingly empty. There is nothing left in the tank to allow me to fret over my current standing in life. I am still scared of running into my ex, Jordan, and her husband Nate. I'm pursuing no romantic interests as of right now, everyone is more or less just a person in my book, and I am a catalyst in their life.
I'm currently sitting at Coffee Break, where I use to go when I lived in Salt Lake, I was here constantly, religiously. It feels foreign now, same walls but different faces, like everyone has gone on with their life except me. I am worried I'm falling behind, as if life even as a specific place I should be. I'm only 26 but I feel so old, I don't see the point to sticking around here anymore, the required feeling of restraint is incredibly defeating.
So it might be Saturday, and I might have been in jail in my last post I caught things up in, but now I'm catching things up again.. And jail was involved again..
While I was in jail, I was able to get a hold of some paper and a pencil, this is what I wrote while I was there..
Monday, I'm running a bit late for court, no time to stop for food, something I'll later regret. When I get to court, I write my dad's number on my arm and hand him my phone. After talking to the Public Defender, I eventually get up to the podium, a short sentence later, I'm being handcuffed, telling my father to call Michelle, my connection to my job, let her know I'll be out in three days.
While sitting in holding the court cells, I start to realize how hungry I am. After who knows how long, I am put into a transport van with another inmate, an older man, shorter than me. A thirty or so minute drive and I'm sitting in booking,it's about three or four at this point, I think. After being searched, I'm put into a pit, yada yada, eventually, around six, I'm in a cell with five other guys, waiting for a room. I think at about one or two am, we are finally shown to a cell, in Quarantine. I still haven't eaten at this point..
Tuesday, around six am, food is finally delivered, pancakes and cornflakes. my cell mate is a bigger guy, vaguely familiar. I try sleeping, but it doesn't happen, and what sleep I do get are dreams of being in jail. My strength is just crumbling through all this, I can't help but dwell on the fact that I have nothing to look forward to when I get out. Chelsea isn't dating me, Savanah have a boyfriend, I may lose my job, my house, my cellphone will be shut off and my mental health will be deteriorated to the point of needing medication again.
After lunch comes around eleven, some chicken and rice, we clean our cells. We are then evaluated to determine where we will go outside of Quarantine. During this a woman asks how I'm doing and I start to crumble, but hold together. After I reach my cell, I'm called back down and the officer asks how I'm doing, and through a smile, I start crying..
They bring in a mental heath doctor to help me look at the bright side of things, though I can't help but continue to cry.. It truly sucks to work so hard to lose everything so easily. This whole ordeal would be infinitesimallyeasier to cope with if there was something to look forward to. The doctor gives me paper and a pencil, that way I can write my dad's number down, as the ink is wearing off. He tells me to just focus on the positives; two more days, I still have my family...
It's about six forty five, been reading mostly; Deception by Randy Alcorn, decent enough book, I guess. I'm just tired of all this, I want my life back, I want the good. It's no surprise rehabilitation doesn't happen in places like this.
I'ts only nine o'clock, cells are locked, reading and sleep, hopefully.
Wednesday, twelve o'five pm, breakfast and lunch have been had, I'm trying to sleep, unsuccessfully... I can feel the anxiety building again, a tight knot in my chest... For some reason I can't help but think of Chelsea, a lot, and feel nothing but despair. Thoughts of Savanah just make me feel like maybe she made the right choice cutting me out of her life... Something about Chelsea makes me feel otherwise, confusion mostly, wondering why I'm not good enough, then anxious that I really have nobody to be excited about seeing once I'm out. Oh the world of difference it would make if I had someone...
I need to just let go of Savanah, and Chelsea, whoever else in my head I wish things would work out with. The despair of being alone is so damned crippling, more so than losing everything else I worked so hard for. Hell, if everything is gone when I get out in a day, maybe I'll just go on this Adventure sooner than later..
I know Ria will be supportive when I'm out, though she's the last person I deserve anything from. My parents will sigh and shrug and figure I'll get through it. Chris will temm me I have no manner of luck. Maryann will probably mention something about church, so will RA. Jill will look at me like I'll never change, which is disappointing but understandable. Savanah probably won't find out through me, through Kelsey more than likely. If I see Chelsea, I'll get a hug and a sorry look, just pity from her, she'll say something with the word "buddy" in it. I don't know, maybe it's that I know I'm getting pity from her and nothing else that bothers me.. Chelsea could make me a very happy person, and she did for a short while, she verbally told me, often that she believes in me...
Savanah and I have parted before, maybe that's why I'm so fixated on Chelsea, because in those first days, she completely eclipsed all I wanted and went through for Savanah... I don't know, I need to think about something else, that tightness in my chest isn't going to go away if I dwell on what I've had, and lost, with no way of getting it back.
People make their own choices, walk their own paths; just let go of what you can't change, focus on what you can.
It's about three forty five, on one of the breaks from being in your cell. Took advantage of a shower and going outside," in a twenty by thirty, maybe larger, with walls three stories high, gated sky. Mostly just laid in the sun, soaking up vitamin D, Chris would be proud. Everything feels surreal in here...
It's just about four o'clock, and it seems so strange to me; I'd give anything to be held by Chelsea again, to look into those icey blue eyes and hear her say she mats me and still believes in me. More so than Savanah coming back, more so than knowing my job will be safe, more so than getting out... because I know when I do, nothing has changed, she's going to be distant, still talking to my roommate over me.. Why Chelsea gets me like this, I have no idea... It's irritating, frustrating and incredibly depressing.
I do feel a sense of something swelling up though, knowing there's only one more meal and break before "lights out." Anyone that's ever done an overnight knows the lights never really go out. Once today ends, Thursday will come, and with it, my freedom. However, my dad screwed me over, typically when booked, I'll have my cell phone with my other items, but my dad insisted on holding on to it, thus, when I'm released I will have no money or cellphone, though I'm fairly confident my phone will be disconnected upon my release anyway.
One thing I haven't really mentioned is my cell mate, or at least I don't' remember if I did... Anyway, big dude, nice enough, talks a little but it's a little hard to understand him. He mostly sleeps, wakes up for meals, lays back down. We get along ok, though his breath really stinks...
At times I feel as if I'm losing my mind, other times I feel clarity and I'm fine. Being in here, in jail, I feel both, often at once. I've already taken my contacts out, but I know it's after nine, the lights are out.
It's about eleven o'clock, Wednesday, just finished Deception, the book I started probably Tuesday, it wasn't too bad, much more religious than I thought it was going to be. Next, I'm reading The Dog Stars, by Peter Heller. Post apocalyptic book, enjoying the start well enough.
In an hour, it'll be tomorrow, and I'll be that much closer to leaving, and that much closer to figuring out how I'll get home.. I still feel anxious, being in here really has made me see how damn empty my life is. It twists my stomach into knots, and for some reason I can't help but think of Chelsea while I'm here... I hope sleep comes quick, and with it, a little solstice, then later, my release.
A passage from The Dog Stars, "Is it possible to love so desperately that life is unbearable? I don't been unrequited, I mean being "in" the love. In the midst of it and desperate. Because knowing it will end, because everything does. End."
It's Thursday, about a half hour after breakfast or so, and my thoughts go to this Adventure... More and more it feels right. Though, more and more it seems harder to actually do it. I hate being alone, though I believe this Adventure will be my cure, or bring my demise. Jail is hell for it's own reasons, but the regret that comes with not following your dreams and aspirations is a hell of it's own.
Maybe that's what makes me think of Chelsea, I regret the way things went, all of a sudden; whereas with Savanah, I screwed up and gave her space afterward, instead of figuring out a way to make it up to her sooner. I lost Savanah, but it was my fault, Chelsea just walked away and left me with questions, though no answers..
Anyway, enough of them, I should be released around hell, I don't know. I'll have to find a way to contact my dad, and figure out just where I am. I'll probably walk north for as far as I can til I recognize something. From there, it's luck I guess. Finding someone that'll let me use their phone, then waiting for a pickup. I figure waiting should be easy at this point. If I'm lucky, really lucky, I'll find a Sprint store and make payment arrangements so my phone will be on when I get to it. Hopefully my phone will at least receive texts it's missed since court on Monday...
You know, to be completely honest, occasionally my thoughts do find their way to Jordan. Not necessarily as she is now, God knows what she is like now, I mean I think of the past, the fun, the smiles, the fights, the family, the naivety of it... mostly my own. I'm sure she feels she made the right choice, just as I'm sure I would have been a great one, for her, for my other exes, for other girls I've dated.. If I'm lucky, I'll find someone that can understand how I am and still want to be with me, and I with them. Ria is probably one of the few women in my life that still wants to be around me. I try not to give her hope we might be something again, but she's the closest to what I'm looking for, I just don't feel anything romantically for her anymore.
I think it was Tuesday, either before or after I broke, it was before, I just remembered, anyway, I used an empty saline container as substitute plugs for my ears. They work well enough, though the edges hurt when going in and the holes are slightly infected. They'll be alright in a few days. The saline makes me think of years ago, Jordan's mom gave me some for my contacts, we had a water fight with the saline, then the hose attachment with the sprayer in the kitchen, off the sink. There were good times, few bad, but they felt bad enough to her that she left. Anyway, these little saline things just make me think of the past, I don't know why I hold onto these previous lives so damned much...
Lunch time, eleven ten and they forgot to bring two trays for lunch, maybe I'll regret saying nothing, but looking at the food, maybe not. Just so ready to leave.
And that is the last thing I wrote before I was finally able to leave. I left just before four, just before they brought dinner in, so I only ate once on Tuesday. I eventually made my way through the entire complex, got changed into my outfit I wore to court and managed to use a phone from some lady that was waiting for someone else to be released. I called my dad, it was around four twenty or so, and he didn't answer, so I went for a walk.. Took a while, about an hour, and I found my way to a train, and found a $20 bill in my possession, so I bought a train ticket and went to the mall, figuring that's where I'd find a Sprint store.
Upon arriving at The Gateway, the open-air mall in Salt Lake City, I went to the Sprint store and confirmed my phone was indeed shut off, so I set up payment arrangements to get it back on. It was around six at this point, my dad would be off work in an hour so I had walked around the mall, trying every pay phone till I found one that worked, so I could call him. I however wasn't able to find a working phone, or anyone that would let me borrow theirs. I had the brilliant idea to grab a beer from Bout Time and ask if I could use their phone, it being about a quarter to seven. They let me, I arranged for a ride when my dad got off work, and we headed to their house. After getting there, I established a ride home, but ended up instead having Ria take me to her house in Midvale, securing a ride to work Friday morning. Before heading to her house, we swing by my house so I could get clothes for work, she telling me that Friday's weather is supposed to be bright and sunny, and I shouldn't need a jacket.
Friday rolled around and after my shower, I send a pic to Chelsea and say it feels good to be free, as in out of jail and she replied with, Feels good to be free, so you go back to taking the same exact pictures you've always been taking and nothing different? BTW, please stop sending me pics. I say sure, I can do that, and appologize, tell her that the one thing I often thought about in jail was why things were they way they were between us, and why they changed out of where, why she just started talking to only Dustin.. And I said sorry to bother you, that she doesn't need to believe in me anymore, because I believe in myself, but thank you for being there for me. She hasn't said anything since.
My boss Sheldon wasn't at work Friday, but I worked anyway, I had a lot of work to catch up on. A few people knew I was in jail, though I didn't really talk to anyone, just did my job and enjoyed the fact that I could listen to music, the whole being out of jail thing just feeling very surreal.. Throughout the day my eye, the right one, starts getting red, I don't think much of it.. About a half hour before I was off, Michelle called me and said it was good I went to work, that apparently my boss thinks very highly of me and wants to keep me around, giving me a little pride in my working ability and how fast I learn. After work I walked to a bus stop, it being very windy and cloudy... It starts sprinkling while I stand there waiting, in my short sleep shirt... with no jacket, because Ria said I wouldn't need it... From the bus, I reach the train at the airport, from that train, I reach the train up north and get off in Ogden. Upon reaching Ogden, it's pouring rain pretty good, so I run through Ogden with no jacket, my trusty Chrome Industries backpack, getting drenched in rain. I get to a shop one of my old coworkers, Barrett, works at and receive the money he owes me. I swing by Dax's shop and say what's up, fill him in on where I've been since my bday. I reach my old shop, where my boss still has my ultrasonic cleaner and show him the price of it, since he said he'd be willing to just pay me for it since he kept it. After I showed him, he seemed kind of rude about it, telling me to come back next week if I expect payment. I walk over to the bar to wait for Ria to pick me up, filling Cory, the bartender, in on where I've spent life since my bday. He says I'm lucky as shit to still have my job and I probably won't be doing my "walkabout" any time soon, I tell him I still plan on it.
After getting to Ria's I crash hard, my eye just completely red and bloodshot, looks awesome, considering my left eye is perfectly fine.
Saturday rolls around and I say to hell with getting more hours for work and sleep in till about noon. We get ready for the day and head to IKEA, pick up a shower curtain, rings for it and then a cover for her couch. After putting everything where it goes at her house, we head to mine, from there we head to Hastings with all my manga, roughly 150 individual books. I manage to sell all but about 20 or so, resulting in $126.25, not a bad haul or anything I can complain about, considering I'm damn near dead broke. I then get a tattoo touch up scheduled for later in the week, a girl named Caycie I met on my birthday at Brewski's before all this happened.. From there I head home and she heads home, and I start updating this blog with my jail time.. Randomly Savanah texts me, we talk, catch up a little bit and after a few times I just ask her why she's texting me, not really meaning to sound rude about it, just really confused.. but she gets upset and says fine, I'll go away again, bye. Maybe we'll talk to tomorrow, or something...
I decided when I was in jail I need to get better about being alone, and not to let it affect my choices and control my moods.
I think I'm finally caught up on things, a long update, I know, and I don't care if anyone reads it. These blogs are more for me, so I can remember when things start to get fuzzy, as they do when times my lives catch up to me.
Today was my first day at work, which was surprisingly pretty great. There really is free food, mostly just waffles and yogurt right now, and coffee, as well as all sorts of activities you can do when the weather is good, like soccer and Frisbee golf.. Anyway, it was a pretty great first day, my job is incredibly simple, and I can listen to music, so I really can't complain. Needless to say, I'm exhausted though, towards the end of the day my body became a little unstable, I haven't had anything to eat in almost two days, granted I had coffee and beer, the beer having lots of calories, it's not enough to run properly. I tried eating waffles at work, but I just felt sick, same when I tried eating the yogurt, so I've been a little out of it. My hand is a little stiff as well, between the newspaper machine and doing stuff at work, it's not surprising.
Today I text Savanah, the first time in over a week, though it's been over two since she responded... I told her, "Hey Savanah, I just wanted to say I really miss you.. And I really wish you were here right now. Hope you're doing well, I started my job today, when I get paid, I'll pay you back, k? Roughly a week and a half or so, at most two." I really do miss her.. she's probably off being happy with someone else, she probably won't respond..
I also called Riverdale Justice Court today, they reset my fee, again, $500, third time they did this to me, as well as gave me a warrant, second time they did that... So I have two days to pay my ticket in entirety if I want to keep my driver's license, though I'll still have a warrant till I talk to the judge. Now that I'm working, I can't see the judge, so I'm going to have to miss work with a job I just started, twice, for court. All because I didn't have the money to pay a ticket, a ticket for driving on a suspended license, which I had no idea about... It has snow balled into a hell of a clusterfuck. And Salt Lake is just using this to their advantage and tacking it onto my sentencing with them... Which is going to cause me to lose my job, possibly..
You dig yourself out of a hole, and find yourself in another... My body aches, it doesn't want to do this anymore, I'm so close to finally being free again, just have to keep pushing forward.
I feel like that's where I'll stop my post for today. I am driving around with a warrant, in a 31 year old car, with an expired temp because I don't have the money to fix my car, trying to make money so I can get out of this fucking endless cycle the courts won't let me out of, because they keep demanding more money and penalizing me for not paying, and then penalizing me again for driving... but I have no other choice, if I want money, I have to drive to the job, with the car I can't afford to fix because the court keeps taking my money, for driving the car..
So I've been having a real problem with motivation lately. I have all these ideas for novels whirling around in my head, and several that are already started, but I've barely put any words down in months. I'm not sure why. I'll get determined--today I'm going to do this--and then just won't. The one time I tried, last weekend, the result was, well, disappointing, to say the least. I got about 1800 words out and they were pretty much garbage. Not remotely provocative or exciting. Could be that I'm out of practice, or it could be that I've just not found the perfect way to start this one yet. Only way to be sure is to soldier on, I guess. Hell, my last one went through four or five different beginnings before I got it right, so...
But anyway, I'm not sure what's going on. The life situation, nominally, has improved. My new job is worlds better than my old one, even if it is a ton of stress. I'm thinking that's part of the issue--this is a different kind of stress than I'm used to, and I need to find some way to manage it. I've never had a job before where I can't take a day off without feeling the need to check my e-mail to make sure there are no emergencies or disasters or fires to put out. It kind of weighs on me at times. It's hard to recharge the old batteries when you have to think about work even when you're not there. But I'm still relatively new to this job--only been here for 8 months and they say it can take up to 2 years or so just to get a handle on the position. So maybe after awhile I'll find a good place of balance. I hope so.
Yesterday I was really down and really emotional for no apparent reason. Not sure what was up with that. I just dealt with it by kind of withdrawing into myself and riding it out. There's still a bit of it lingering today. Hoping it diminishes instead of getting worse.
Tonight after work I need to clean the house--it's gotten almost to the state where I'm afraid I'm going to see us on the evening news as having "deplorable living conditions." Julie's working late as she usually does on Wednesdays, so it'll be a good time to get things done. I am vowing right now that the television will not go on, unless it's to tune to a music channel or put on a music/concert disc for background music while I clean. Then I need to settle down, look through my various writing projects, pick one, and finish it. My publisher is going to open up for new submissions this summer, he thinks, and I need to have at least two books ready to send to him. One is done and waiting. I can finish one more, I think.
I'm losing weight--it's actually starting to be visible. That's a great thing. Mostly I'm just being more aware of my portion sizes, and have been getting more exercise just by virtue of how my commute works, now. I'm getting in at least a good half hour of walking every day, and working in hills and stairs to that. It's helped a lot. I feel a bit lighter, though I haven't yet got to the point where I can run without feeling a bit of..."bounce." That's the goal. That and dropping at least 2 inches off my waist. I think I'm down about an inch, but don't quote me on that. I don't keep a scale in the house because I would obsess about it. I know I'm starting--just starting--to be able to see my jawline in the mirror again, which is great.
Anyway, yeah, I've got a problem with motivation and drive. I have ambition, but my drive has once more gone far south. I'm not sure how to get it back. But one thing is certain--I need to figure it out fast.
Okay, rambling over. Thanks for listening, whoever you may be.
I'm flying under the radar on this blog, keeping my identity somewhat secret (except to one person) so that I can say things I could never say on my more public blogs. Reveal feelings that most of the people in my life would ridicule, and basically glorify in them.
I'm very tired. Tired of everything. Tired of life. A year ago I was really wishing it would all end, because on top of it all my job made me wake up every day with my stomach in knots. At least that's improved, though sadly I'm still sitting in an office crunching numbers for a living instead of realizing my dreams. At least I don't fear coming here every day.
I'm getting too old to realize my dreams, and am facing the stark, cold reality that it'll never happened, that I've failed at life.
Too young to be this tired, but too old to effectively realize my dreams. What a Catch-22.
Not by others' standards, mind you. I've done what you're "supposed" to do. I've got a good (read: stable and decent-paying) job, I have a house, a family, and mountains of debt that I'm working to crawl out from under. I pay my bills and don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from. By societal standards--a moderate success.
Here's the kicker: that's not how I define success. I'd be happier renting a small apartment and working in a cafe or book store, working on my creative pursuits. "Success," as I define it, is waking up, looking at your life, and knowing you're where you're supposed to be. It's doing something every day that makes you happy, making a living at it (even a meager one), and if you're not making a living doing it, paying bills with a gig you don't have to waste unnecessary thought and energy on. That's why we're here, people: to enjoy this crazy gift called life, not to toil day after day at something that's utterly meaningless to us so that we leave nothing worthwhile behind.
Again, I'm just tired. I'm a little more tired every day and I think living this sellout existence in which I'm trapped is killing me just a little bit day by day.
Maybe I'll feel better next week, when I pass my first milestone at work.