Time To Change @ MindSay 
time change
like all my screaming has gone unheard
alright, so i'm in a pissy mood right now. i don't feel like doing anything. i think i need time to myself. i'm pissed at life already and it's about to get worse. the day i've been dreading pretty much all summer: brian, my brother, is coming home from jail tomorrow. i've gotten so use to having him be gone that i'm freaking out. he sent me a letter awhile back saying that he would change his ways and that he's sorry for never getting to know me, but i don't know what to believe. he's given me so much shit over the years and there have been many times that he's said he'd change, but he never has. even my mom, the one he's hurt the most, is believing him. but i know he'll still be an asshole, no matter how hard he tries. he makes it so hard to believe him when he says shit like he wants to change. it's his own damn fault i can't believe him.
On the turning away...
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand...
On the Death of Mindsay...
I have been wondering if it is just me who has the feeling that Mindsay is on a downward spiral into nothingness. There was a time when the positive energy of Mindsay forced me to take an active role in its well being, and now I no longer have that feeling...
I have a friends list that grows smaller by the week, and those who have not deleted their accounts have not added to the community in over thirty days. There was a time when I had trouble reading all the new entries in my inbox, and now I can get caught up if I only read them once a week...
Maybe the community has changed and I missed its occurrence. It's possible that this change went unnoticed by me, and by the time that I saw it, it was too late for me to correct my course...
Just recently another friend of mine deleted her account. I thought of e-mailing her and asking her why, but I won't do it for I just figure that if the reason is good enough to not notify me, it is probably none of my business though the thought of e-mail does creep into my thoughts at times...
There are so many things that have come and gone over my many years on this Internet thing, so many community that are now just barren wastelands. Like the days I spent doing the IRC thing before the age of IM, I wonder how many are still on IRC. Or all the time that I spent on the Usenet that I witnessed as it crashed and burned - most is gone though there are a few last outposts struggling to remain alive. And Yahoo! groups and my group, that once was a vibrant living society and now nothing remains but smoldering wreckage. And the list could go on and on with all the message boards that I belonged to and the mailing lists that I subscribed to, but I don't have the time to write volumes on ancient history...
It has been a long strange journey that I have been on over the course of these many years, and I have a feeling that this will not change anytime in the near future...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
And the words they say
Which we won't understand...
On the Death of Mindsay...
I have been wondering if it is just me who has the feeling that Mindsay is on a downward spiral into nothingness. There was a time when the positive energy of Mindsay forced me to take an active role in its well being, and now I no longer have that feeling...
I have a friends list that grows smaller by the week, and those who have not deleted their accounts have not added to the community in over thirty days. There was a time when I had trouble reading all the new entries in my inbox, and now I can get caught up if I only read them once a week...
Maybe the community has changed and I missed its occurrence. It's possible that this change went unnoticed by me, and by the time that I saw it, it was too late for me to correct my course...
Just recently another friend of mine deleted her account. I thought of e-mailing her and asking her why, but I won't do it for I just figure that if the reason is good enough to not notify me, it is probably none of my business though the thought of e-mail does creep into my thoughts at times...
There are so many things that have come and gone over my many years on this Internet thing, so many community that are now just barren wastelands. Like the days I spent doing the IRC thing before the age of IM, I wonder how many are still on IRC. Or all the time that I spent on the Usenet that I witnessed as it crashed and burned - most is gone though there are a few last outposts struggling to remain alive. And Yahoo! groups and my group, that once was a vibrant living society and now nothing remains but smoldering wreckage. And the list could go on and on with all the message boards that I belonged to and the mailing lists that I subscribed to, but I don't have the time to write volumes on ancient history...
It has been a long strange journey that I have been on over the course of these many years, and I have a feeling that this will not change anytime in the near future...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
This is what I want..
I need for things to change between Billy and I, I don't want them to be how they have been. I would love nothing more for me to be ok with it, but the more I think about it the more uneasy I get with it. I just need time, and space. I am getting really confused with things going on with us, when we are together we act like we're together and when I leave and go home I feel as if he wants nothing to do with me.
I need to look out for me and do what is best for me, without hurting him but also knowing he respects how I feel. I do love him and I know I want to be with him, one day... just not right now. The timing isn't right and I need to take care of me and I kind of like it just being me. It does get hard at times, but I get through it. I have talked to him about this once before, but it didn't work and it's not his fault it's mine because I let them go back to the way it was.
I know this is all going to be confusing to him and throw him off considering last night, which is half the reason I am still debating if I should talk to him about this or just keep things to myself. I have been though a lot of changes in the past month or so and I like where the changes are taking me, everything is so new to me and so fresh. I have thought about myself, how we were when we were together, and how things are now. My mind and body are slowly changing; my views, thoughts, and emotions are different now and I am slowly losing weight which is giving me such a higher confidence level that's amazing. When we were together, things go so rocky at times I just don't want things to go back to the way they used to be and I think that's why I want to do this change. Things now are good, but I am not fully happy and I need to be.
I have thought about moving on, keeping things the way they are, and finally changing the situation but still having him in my life. The first option was quickly taken out after really thinking about it. Keeping things the same aren't making this not being together thing a lot easier cause I feel like I can have him, but at the same time not. I have felt like I was being put on the back burner in case he did meet someone and it didn't work out but I was still there, I am not going to be that person. I don't want to get hurt.. so I am looking at this in every angle possible and seeing what I can do so I don't get hurt. If I found out he has met someone or talked to someone with interest in them while he has been telling me he loves me and telling me he doesn't want to be with anyone else.. that would be the end of everything. Even though if he did or was, he isn't doing anything wrong cause were not together but just the fact of him doing it would ruin everything. Which is another reason why I want things to be different.
I do know what this may do to the relationship we currently have and I am ready for the consequences, I have thought about that over and over again. It may make things better or make things worse. It may make us both realize things that we should've realized a while ago but just never could. What I want out of this: Hopefully come out if this together, have my unanswered questions answered, and more importantly become more of an independent person.
I am in need of a change, and this is just the beginning of it.
I am ready for what is in store for me.
I need to look out for me and do what is best for me, without hurting him but also knowing he respects how I feel. I do love him and I know I want to be with him, one day... just not right now. The timing isn't right and I need to take care of me and I kind of like it just being me. It does get hard at times, but I get through it. I have talked to him about this once before, but it didn't work and it's not his fault it's mine because I let them go back to the way it was.
I know this is all going to be confusing to him and throw him off considering last night, which is half the reason I am still debating if I should talk to him about this or just keep things to myself. I have been though a lot of changes in the past month or so and I like where the changes are taking me, everything is so new to me and so fresh. I have thought about myself, how we were when we were together, and how things are now. My mind and body are slowly changing; my views, thoughts, and emotions are different now and I am slowly losing weight which is giving me such a higher confidence level that's amazing. When we were together, things go so rocky at times I just don't want things to go back to the way they used to be and I think that's why I want to do this change. Things now are good, but I am not fully happy and I need to be.
I have thought about moving on, keeping things the way they are, and finally changing the situation but still having him in my life. The first option was quickly taken out after really thinking about it. Keeping things the same aren't making this not being together thing a lot easier cause I feel like I can have him, but at the same time not. I have felt like I was being put on the back burner in case he did meet someone and it didn't work out but I was still there, I am not going to be that person. I don't want to get hurt.. so I am looking at this in every angle possible and seeing what I can do so I don't get hurt. If I found out he has met someone or talked to someone with interest in them while he has been telling me he loves me and telling me he doesn't want to be with anyone else.. that would be the end of everything. Even though if he did or was, he isn't doing anything wrong cause were not together but just the fact of him doing it would ruin everything. Which is another reason why I want things to be different.
I do know what this may do to the relationship we currently have and I am ready for the consequences, I have thought about that over and over again. It may make things better or make things worse. It may make us both realize things that we should've realized a while ago but just never could. What I want out of this: Hopefully come out if this together, have my unanswered questions answered, and more importantly become more of an independent person.
I am in need of a change, and this is just the beginning of it.
I am ready for what is in store for me.
Logic so inflexible...
Causally connectible
Yet nothing is invincible.
If we share this nightmare
Then we can dream
Spiritus mundi...
Today as I take a break from all that which I was doing, I have the feeling that I may be out of synch with my surroundings - a stranger in a strange land so to speak. I feel as if at this moment I do not belong where I am, that I should be somewhere far away doing something far different that what I'm doing at this moment though what that is, I do not have the slightest idea. So being that I am out of phase today, I shall write much as I always do though today it all feels somewhat out of step with this reality...
Strange it is that this world is as it is. Imagine the infinite number of coincidences that have lead to me typing this miraculous piece on a device that my ancestors could have never dreamed of. Just for me to be alive at this time in this place is a miracle. Everything that surrounds me is miraculous if only because one simple twist of fate, one choice never made, one atom not exactly correct, would have change everything that I know if I was here to know it. And yet here I am a continuous stream from the Big Bang to the very moment that I touched the keys to type this word and it all happened just as it had so I could look about me and marvel at all that is around me...
And what if all is not as it should be? How would an observer in the midst of this world know if something was wrong in this world? How could one tell if this reality was not meant to be?
I remember seeing a program on time travel recently where it was stated that if an individual left this time to venture to another either past or present that they would be permanently removed from this time line and become part of another. In other words, if he or she left the time line where I am typing this to go back and eliminate Hitler before he had a chance to take power, the time line where I am will continue along on its merry way minus the person who left, but the time where the individual found themselves working to stop a World War would be forever altered by the addition of the new soul. It is nearly impossible for the human mind to grasp the concept of multiple time lines for this reality. We are so focused on all we perceive that we cannot make the leap to understand that which is beyond our scope...
The same holds true of religion, we can never fully grasp that which is beyond our reality. It is a struggle to even admit that there are things that we will never understand for the mind of humans is limited in what in can grasp. It's a struggle that Jacob would understand far more than I ever could. It's a struggle that I faced all my life - My Private Israel. I struggle daily to grasp all that I cannot understand, and I know for the most part it is a war that I cannot win though at times I feel that I have the battle, in the end I will feel the defeat on a very personal level...
But I keep going; I keep on tilting my personal windmills for I know of no other way to live my life. This is who I am and I cannot change that fact. And so I sit here telling the world of my adventures, feeling that I am out of synch with the rest of my surroundings, but in no way will I ever stop on this time line that I find myself upon for stopping is not an option that I have been given. I will continue, and the world that I can perceive around me will continue until this timeline reaches the point where it ends...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
Yet nothing is invincible.
If we share this nightmare
Then we can dream
Spiritus mundi...
Today as I take a break from all that which I was doing, I have the feeling that I may be out of synch with my surroundings - a stranger in a strange land so to speak. I feel as if at this moment I do not belong where I am, that I should be somewhere far away doing something far different that what I'm doing at this moment though what that is, I do not have the slightest idea. So being that I am out of phase today, I shall write much as I always do though today it all feels somewhat out of step with this reality...
Strange it is that this world is as it is. Imagine the infinite number of coincidences that have lead to me typing this miraculous piece on a device that my ancestors could have never dreamed of. Just for me to be alive at this time in this place is a miracle. Everything that surrounds me is miraculous if only because one simple twist of fate, one choice never made, one atom not exactly correct, would have change everything that I know if I was here to know it. And yet here I am a continuous stream from the Big Bang to the very moment that I touched the keys to type this word and it all happened just as it had so I could look about me and marvel at all that is around me...
And what if all is not as it should be? How would an observer in the midst of this world know if something was wrong in this world? How could one tell if this reality was not meant to be?
I remember seeing a program on time travel recently where it was stated that if an individual left this time to venture to another either past or present that they would be permanently removed from this time line and become part of another. In other words, if he or she left the time line where I am typing this to go back and eliminate Hitler before he had a chance to take power, the time line where I am will continue along on its merry way minus the person who left, but the time where the individual found themselves working to stop a World War would be forever altered by the addition of the new soul. It is nearly impossible for the human mind to grasp the concept of multiple time lines for this reality. We are so focused on all we perceive that we cannot make the leap to understand that which is beyond our scope...
The same holds true of religion, we can never fully grasp that which is beyond our reality. It is a struggle to even admit that there are things that we will never understand for the mind of humans is limited in what in can grasp. It's a struggle that Jacob would understand far more than I ever could. It's a struggle that I faced all my life - My Private Israel. I struggle daily to grasp all that I cannot understand, and I know for the most part it is a war that I cannot win though at times I feel that I have the battle, in the end I will feel the defeat on a very personal level...
But I keep going; I keep on tilting my personal windmills for I know of no other way to live my life. This is who I am and I cannot change that fact. And so I sit here telling the world of my adventures, feeling that I am out of synch with the rest of my surroundings, but in no way will I ever stop on this time line that I find myself upon for stopping is not an option that I have been given. I will continue, and the world that I can perceive around me will continue until this timeline reaches the point where it ends...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
Toxic Living isnt really Living At All, Is It?
Howdy Howdy all!
Well it has finally happened! I have filled my life and body with so many toxins that I started getting those serious warning signs that the body sends off. You know green for all systems are a go, yellow for whoa there Environgirl things are getting a little dangerous around here and the RED for your behind is gonna fall out from a damn heart attack if you take one more bite of that ham and cheese on sourdough bread young lady! I walk everywhere and the other day I noticed that after walking a measly 2 1/2 miles I was actually tired! I wanted to cry I was so angry with myself!
Technorati Profile
I admit it alright! I have been so lax that you cant tell where my hand ends and the pork rinds begin as of late. Not only has my food habit been abominable but my daily living habits have been a spot of shameful lately also. The TV has been on from the time I walk in the door from work until I leave again in the morning for said job. Now that is not the me that I know and love! Not only has my waistline suffered from my inattention but my mind is muddled and my ability to deal with stressful situations has all but vanished. I am not this lady and not going to assumer her identity for another minute longer!
Last night I cleaned out the pantry and the fridge and lumbered (there was a time when I could just jauntily bounce) on over to Whole Foods and decided to invest in myself in the right way for a change! This isnt to say that I didnt get any snack foods, on the contrary I was able to get some tasty multi-grain chips and a tasty goat cheese and red pepper dip for book reading and listening to some thunderstorms on the old cd player.
Today there was a sale on DVD boxed sets and I finally got the complete yoga DVD collection that I had been coveting for so long and that aint all folks! Tomorrow I am to pick up my new sneakers from Ryka for a comfortable time exercising this malaise and excess toxicity off! I did a semi-fast for today (veggie juice and light foods without meat). There is some skin brushing and hydrotherapy on tap for the evening and an early night in bed to wake up refreshed for my long day tomorrow. I have dusted off my copy of Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain and am eager to slip into a little positive thinking as I reverse this little train wreck I have involved myself in over the past couple of months.
Hey, I know a lot of folks dont really care for that whole Metaphysical mumbo jumbo but I have to admit, even though the messages are common sense I am one of those folks who needs a little reinforcement to get back on task every now and again. I had been sinking a bit and had forgotten that what I want is attainable if I make the moves and put a little faith in me and ideas. That magazine aint gonna write itself and even though it is intimidating and at times a little overwhelming, I am confident that I will have the life I want and envision.
Well I am off to change my life again....laters
Goddess Bless Technorati Profile
Well it has finally happened! I have filled my life and body with so many toxins that I started getting those serious warning signs that the body sends off. You know green for all systems are a go, yellow for whoa there Environgirl things are getting a little dangerous around here and the RED for your behind is gonna fall out from a damn heart attack if you take one more bite of that ham and cheese on sourdough bread young lady! I walk everywhere and the other day I noticed that after walking a measly 2 1/2 miles I was actually tired! I wanted to cry I was so angry with myself!
Technorati Profile
I admit it alright! I have been so lax that you cant tell where my hand ends and the pork rinds begin as of late. Not only has my food habit been abominable but my daily living habits have been a spot of shameful lately also. The TV has been on from the time I walk in the door from work until I leave again in the morning for said job. Now that is not the me that I know and love! Not only has my waistline suffered from my inattention but my mind is muddled and my ability to deal with stressful situations has all but vanished. I am not this lady and not going to assumer her identity for another minute longer!
Last night I cleaned out the pantry and the fridge and lumbered (there was a time when I could just jauntily bounce) on over to Whole Foods and decided to invest in myself in the right way for a change! This isnt to say that I didnt get any snack foods, on the contrary I was able to get some tasty multi-grain chips and a tasty goat cheese and red pepper dip for book reading and listening to some thunderstorms on the old cd player.
Today there was a sale on DVD boxed sets and I finally got the complete yoga DVD collection that I had been coveting for so long and that aint all folks! Tomorrow I am to pick up my new sneakers from Ryka for a comfortable time exercising this malaise and excess toxicity off! I did a semi-fast for today (veggie juice and light foods without meat). There is some skin brushing and hydrotherapy on tap for the evening and an early night in bed to wake up refreshed for my long day tomorrow. I have dusted off my copy of Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain and am eager to slip into a little positive thinking as I reverse this little train wreck I have involved myself in over the past couple of months.
Hey, I know a lot of folks dont really care for that whole Metaphysical mumbo jumbo but I have to admit, even though the messages are common sense I am one of those folks who needs a little reinforcement to get back on task every now and again. I had been sinking a bit and had forgotten that what I want is attainable if I make the moves and put a little faith in me and ideas. That magazine aint gonna write itself and even though it is intimidating and at times a little overwhelming, I am confident that I will have the life I want and envision.
Well I am off to change my life again....laters
Goddess Bless Technorati Profile
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