So I'm currently in this philosophy of religion class and we are discussing various things the most reacent of which is Gods relationship to time.
It's quite the undertaking an I don't think it's possible to come up with a good solid arguement for His being seperate from or bound to time. At least not doing so while keeping key attributes such as omnipotence and omnitence. I have generaly been of the opinion that god is seperate from time since I don't see how God could know the future if he were just as stuck in the present as I am. But this causes some problems becasue see now I had a begining [or so I think] and at some point I imagine I will go to heaven but I will have to arive there and WHEN do I arive in a state of timelessness.
I have come closer to the conclusion that I am in fact clinicly depressed. It's hard for me to believe, being a psych major and all. But I supose that doesn't really make me impervious to depression it just makes me perfectly equipt to rationalize away the symptomes for a lot longer than most. But I have to face it that I have issolated myself I prety much have one friend that I talk to regularly and I'm even starting to feel like she doesn't like me. I don't feel like what I have done in my life is anything to be proud of, I don't really think I give people a reason to like me, for a long time now I've had a hard time looking to the future and making any sort of plans because I feel like there's not much point in it . A strange symptom I've recently noticed is one minute I'm feeling like everyone around me is inferior and I'm smarter, better looking, more succcessfull than everyone around me and then a little later I'll feel completely and utterly worthless and inadequate. I guess I'm feeling down and inconsistent. I've almost completley stopped writting, it's down to just the blog post here and there and those are so rare anymore I deleted all but two accounts. I don't have much interest in trying to paint anymore and I used to be very motivated to learn. I don't want to be around people but when I'm by myself I'm lonely- a lot of the time I'm lonely with people too. I don't like to talk to my family on the phone anymore becasue I'm afraid I'll eithor be a downer or dissapoint them. They'rae allyways saying how proud they are of me and I wish they would stop because is feels like a lie. I don't like to shop in public by myself because I feel like people stare at me. I'd like to just sort of retreat somewhere but I know that will probably just make it worse. I don't have any particular person who looks forward to seeing me and that makes me feel like a looser. I think then "well find someone to make friends with- meet people" but then I get this pointless sense that anyone worth knowing already has friends and they don't have time for me. I feel like things have kind of gotten off track.
So yeah. That's something isn't it.
*Almost 10 years later*
I'm looking at this almost 10 years later and I'll tell you it got worse before it got better, for sure! I never sought "professional help". I sort of counseled myself and made strategies for when things got "too hard". And then when it got really too hard and the thought of driving into on coming traffic or imagining shooting myself in the head became too frequent and too comforting a thought: I ran away. I moved home. And that was right. Sometimes I think it was a bit of a failure to have moved back home but there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and changing course. And I only lived at home for a short time. I'm on my own again. I never fully explained to my family why I came home... sometimes I wonder if they sort of knew. They were definitely concerned about me at the time.
I'm a lot better now I would say but I'm very cognizant of where I've been emotionally and where I'm going.
A tipsy fool. I came to keep company because both of us were restless. I let her vent to me about her mother and some stuff about her dying. She had ordered food before I got there, half way through her venting the door sounded for the arrival. I set up the table and all and we ate about half of the food. Continued to let her vent for the time being. Saw the tears. comforted her to the bet of my abilities. Brought tissues and a trash can. I've heard it all before. Just sometimes people need to speak even if it is the same old story. I lended an ear where ears are needed the most. She talked and talked until she cried and then slowly fell asleep. She wasn't trashed. Just emotional. Tuckered out really. My time to go was soon. I went and got everything ready. Put the throw pillows away and retrieved the ashtray and cleaned with with cigarettes and lighter. Place the bottle of water next to the bed and set the alarm on. I get into this habit. I'll take care of someone if they need it. Found her still asleep in the chair. I picked her up and carried her off to bed to tuck her in. Halfway there she woke up and looked up at me and started giggling. I saw her eyes light up. It was a different turn of events from what was displayed earlier. I set her down on the bed and with her giggling still she looked around and I said "Water, ashtray, cigarettes, lighter and alarm clock are all set. Throw pillows away, but I don't see the need for them still. Otherwise I have you all set for bed. Do you need anything else?" She smiled and looked around and asked "Where is my engagement ring?" I said "I have it, but it is actually an onion ring" I don't know what compelled me to say that. But it wouldn't be the first time something like this came up before. To a certain point funny I guess. At least her and I were on the same page in that aspect... "Where's my engagement ring?"
We had a talk and I think we've come to the conclusion that neither of us are used to being in a serious relationship. It's also clear that he has more obligations to family and friends and a job, which I don't really have any of and am left with immense amounts of free time.
We've decided (I let him choose what was appropriate because he has less time than I do), that we will talk a minimum of 2 hours a day. That was his suggestion, and I was actually surprised he wanted to commit that much time to me. I'm happy, of course. He says that he'll make it up another day, too, if he can't on one day. We'll have to see how well it works out. This is for the summer, of course. Because when I go to university in September, it will have to be less sometimes. We both understood that and it worked well during his exam week, and my exam week (different times), this past school year.
I was also upset that he would say he would do things, and not do them. Like come back on msn after gaming, or write me a letter, etc. He said he forgot. Which I guess, I sometimes *forget* that other people don't have the memory I do. I have a really good memory and often don't realize that everyone isn't the same. I try not to think, but sometimes let myself believe, that if something is important to you, you will remember it. That isn't always true though. No one can help what they remember, really.
He also made a point that he was forgetting to come back to the computer, or write a letter, not that he was forgetting ME.
We're trying. He was also frustrated that I felt he wasn't trying. Sometimes it seemed that he wasn't interested in the conversation, and wasn't making an effort to talk to me, or even wanted to. I'm *trying* to see that he tries. I just feel often that it's a one sided conversation, with me poking him with a stick and him grunting. But, I try to be realistic. It isn't always like that, and I try not to exagerate.
I think I feel secure in knowing now that he is trying, and that he does love me, and that I'm not the only one who wants to make this work.
I feel so uncomfortable today. I can't find anything to wear, it all just feels annoying. I don't really feel like doing anything, either. The boyfriend has been feeling unsociable lately, and has been playing xbox for the past 3 days...
He says it's probably a phase, and that he finds everyone -not just me- revolting.
Which, I can partly understand because I felt like that before. But... it's still worrying me, and it's upsetting to know he's on xbox all day, and doesn't feel like talking to me.