Thursday @ MindSay

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I tried to blot out the haunting thoughts of what occured yesterday with lots of Pepsi, crisps and video games with no rest breaks. I finished off Canis Canem Edit last night - thus I went to sleep at about 4AM.
I did get the 100.00% completion though, so it's another game mastery marked on my Backloggery.

Today I was mainly playing Guitar Hero 5 and Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits. I was attemtping some of the dodgy challenges on GH5 and doing a few new songs that I've recently learnt on the vocals quickplay.
Naturally though, I couldn't blot out everything I was thinking.

Mam took me into the Coral shop she manages today to take some photos for my Addictions Photography project. I'd dabbled a little in the idea of video games addiction, but gambling addiction seemed just as promising.

Naturally, I was nervous about taking photos of strangers - the aspect of having to actually speak to them, but seeing as how they're all regulars to the shop, mam knows most of them by name - so she was there to do some of the asking for me. Which I was grateful for.

Here's a few that I got:

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Before I went to sleep last night, I laid awake in bed for a few hours and for the first time in several weeks, possibly even months - I cut myself again.
That's not to say I've gone all this time without actually self-harming, for I've hit my head on things, punched myself, burned myself - hurt myself in ways that didn't involve a blade and a cut.
I cut both of my arms, starting with the left and going up from the wrist to the shoulder - then on the right from the shoulder down to the wrist.

I had to tell Shelly, and I couldn't tell her until I'd dragged her up to the 4th floor to sit on the stairs. We ended up getting worked up over it, sort of bordering-on arguing, but not quite. Even Shelly could see I'd hurt myself a lot more than usual.

So I'm back to the paranoia that follows - the constant long sleeves, the hiding yourself with the towel after a shower and the having to hold onto sleeve cuffs incase they ride up.
Sigh.

I keep thinking about Sarah's one-to-one yesterday.
She suggested I go back to see Dianne. But I was Dianne's longest client. We're only supposed to go for 8 weeks, I was there for 20. I don't want to go back because I'll feel selfish, like a liability who's abusing the system... Sigh.

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Photography was a waste of time.
Paul made us all go out into the college grounds and the areas around it and take photos.
The area is bland and uninspiring - I got a few reasonable photos, but most are pretty shit - and none of them will even fit into any of my chosen categories. They're just misc. crap.

Although I am feeling a little better about my sketchbook - the amount of work I did over the holidays will indeed account towards filling the pages.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Content

 

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Blog #260

Happy Birthday To Me...

Anyway, today is the day Dixie turned 18.

I don't feel any different. I don't want to be 18.

For one, I don't like the number 8 - and for two, I don't like this immense burden of suddenly being an adult now on my head.

The only good thing is, now I can legally buy porn and sex toys. :)

Hello Ann Summers! :P

I still had college today, regardless of the pile of presents by the fireplace.

I didn't have time to open them when I woke up, so I only opened the cards that were there and put them on the mantlepiece. Mam had gone a bit mad with the decorartions - banners, balloons and foil tinselly things all over the place.

I should have opened the presents though - because for the entire day, I was left wondering what the box on top of my PS2 was.

When I came out of the house, ready to walk for my bus - this chav was walking by, and he was proper staring at me.

I didn't actually know why - until I realised he wasn't staring at me at all, he was staring at the banners and the balloons on the window behind me.

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College was pretty meh.

English was relativley boring, but thankfully - not too tormenting.

Media Studies was reasonable - another lesson on those horror films.Watching clips and taking notes. Very easily done. I love the old horror films too. Especially Nightmare On Elm Street. :D

Freddy Krueger - definatley my costume of choice this year for Ian's halloween party.

Today I had a beasty 3 hour break - Shelly walked down to the docks with me. We both bought sausage sandwiches and I got myself a bottle of water.

We went to the paved part down by the river and sat on the benches for a few hours, cuddling and talking. Shelly gave me lots of kisses too. We were in a really secluded part, shaded by trees and bushes, so nobody was there to bother us. It was freezing though - and despite Shelly's best efforts to keep me warm by cuddling me close to her - we only retreated back to college for the remaining 45 minutes of this beasty gap purely based on the fact it was far too bloody cold.

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When I got back, mam was in - and I finally got to know what was in the box.

An odd surprise - Shelly said it would be Guitar Hero 5 - but the box was WAY too small to have a guitar in it, and too big to be just the game - so I knew she was wrong. I had a feeling it might be something silly, like one of those daft novely keys - but it was far too heavy for that.

I opened it and I found a sexy DIGITAL PHOTO FRAME.

Fucking PHWOAR mate. :D

It looks fairly complex to set up, but I have a few ideas. I'll have a fiddle around with it - get some of our epic Saturday trio photos on there and show Ash and Shelly the next time they're round. It'll be a sweet addition to my desk - turned on for guests and when I need cheering up. :)

She'd also got me a mug with a cuddly troll inside it and a silver pentagram pendant. Sexah. :)

Paul had been and dropped off a card and the two Maximo games he'd ordered for me. Maximo and Maximo VS Army Of Zin, the sequel. And apparently, there's something else coming in the post for me. Oooh, I wonder. :)

And lastly, another jiffy bag with one of the games from Shelly - Ed, Edd 'N' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures. :)

Mam scorned my immaturity. Nah, she's just boring. I know how to have fun. :P

I wanted to go and play my new games, but mam fucking swayed me with a season of Desparate Housewives. Damn her. :)

While we watched this, I ate some instant macaroni cheese that smelt like sour milk and vomit, but tasted really good. :P

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Ian and Lisa came later on the night - and they'd brought my card and their present actually did contain Guitar Hero 5 - proving Shelly's idea partially correct. :)

Mam then did let me set up my PS2 - and we played We Love Katamari - took it in turns doing some levels.

Mam thinks its a pointless game. Nah, she just doesn't recognise genius gameplay when she sees it. And she's also shit at it, so that probably contributes some too. :P

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Media Studies seems to be looking more interesting at the moment. We're studying the slasher horror genre, so Sarah had us watching documentaries about it today and making notes. Lots of gory clips and commentary from the directors - so this was fairly entertaining.
In Photography, I sat with Michelle and we both did some work on editing our photos. This icons project is seriously wank. I like the work I did over the break - so I want to get on with that, but noooo...
And as always, English was relativley shite. I despise the group and the subject matter is just pissing me off currently. Angela better start changing the lesson directions or I'm going to become a terror.

During my beasty break, I wandered into town.
I got myself a £1.99 King Deal from Burger King and sat on the green benches outside while I ate it. I can cope with the mustard, mustard is okay. I can pick out the gherkins - I just fucking despise tomato sauce. I end up wiping it off the bun with my napkin, but only because I'm too nervous and meek to simply say: "Can I have that with no sauce, please?"

I'd aquired some cash so I went to CEX and bought some Gamecube games.
I've decided that I need an equal balance of Gamecube and PS2 games. The 'Cube will always be my favourite, but the way my wishlist is looking, and the price of some of these PS2 games, I'm going to end up with more. I have about 50 'Cube games currently, so I'm going for 'Cube-exclusive titles as well as some others that are available on both - but I'd rather play with 'Cube controls.

So today I got XIII and Spyro: Enter The Dragonfly.
This is insane. I've bought 5 games this week, and THREE of them are SHOOTERS.
The genre I despise with a passion. I'm trying to broaden my gaming horizons, perhaps. Ian's told me that XIII is good - and I read the back cover, it's all cel-shaded comic-strip style graphics - so it looks okay... We'll just have to see if the whole shooting narrative fucks it over.

During the rest of my break, I sat in the LRC and finished off Pokémon Sapphire - beating the Elite Four.
So I've marked it down as BEATEN on my Backloggery. I might go for the full Hoenn Dex. Fuck the National Dex, I can't be chewed.

fml

aj just told me he "wants me back" for want of a better phrase

im not entirely sure how i feel about that...

let me start from the beginning

 

sunday

hadnt heard from aj pretty much all day. im about to start getting ready for bed so i decide to call him while i do that. he doesnt pick up. strange. oh well, i get snuggled up in my covers and call beccabooskii for our nightly phone call. we get to talking about how i feel as if i might be falling in love with aj and how im on edge everytime he "disappears" on me [like when hes drawing someone or not by his phone or something] and it drives me crazy because hes all i ever thought about and i cared so much about him that if anything were to happen to him it would hurt me deeply. i just wanted to be there for him. to be his. you know how it goes. anyway, we both decided that it shouldnt be becca that i should be saying all that too but rather aj. so i called him again.

he picks up. i tell him and he COMPLETELY misunderstands me. like in every possible way shape or form. i told him that i loved him and all i wanted was one simple reassurance that he loved me too then we could walk off into the sunset together and he thought i was somehow questioning his love for me, or insinuating that he was just a kid who didnt know how he felt or what he wanted from life. he got really upset and got off the phone. i kept on coercing him into calling me until he did so. then i explained to him that id never experienced such unconditional love before and i was just SCARED [yes i admitted to being AFRAID] that he was just going to wake up one day and change his mind. then id be crushed. he told me:

"well i think i just did"

and hung up

 

when i tell you i have never cried so much in my life i mean it.

the whole night

i just sat on the couch in my living room staring at the phone thinking that he was somehow just going to realize what i had been trying to tell him and call me to straighten things out

didnt happen

next thing i know its 2 in the afternoon

 

no sleep

 

 

 

monday

monday i spent pretty much begging aj not to just let things go over such a misunderstanding. he rejected me and told me maybe we could hold off until he moved to orlando for college

next year

devastated

thats what i was

 

didnt think it was possible to cry anymore

it happened anyway

 

 

 

tuesday

i kept telling myself over and over again that he didnt love me

regardless if it was the truth or not

i felt such overwhelming guilt that i hadnt treasured every time he told me he loved me. every time i joked when he was trying to be serious. it was killing me.

by telling myself he didnt care i hoped to desensitize myself and make myself get over him

 

it didnt work

 

i even went as far as to try to reach out to my mum. i told her "mum my heart... its breaking" she told me "dont even try to talk to me about that. whatever it was it wasnt love. its not possible. you know that i hate that you think youre gay."

 

no more tears that night

it stung my eyes way too much and i kept losing my contacts

 

 

 

wednesday

see blog #1

 

thursday

he tells me he wants me back

just when i was starting to heal [not really]

what the hell am i supposed to say

OFCOURSE i still love him

im even still IN love with him, but im scared. what are things going to be like now? if i decide to try and forget the past couple of days and be his again will things be the same? strained? will i still be able to kiss him? or let him hold me? and whats going to happen after the summer is over and we both go to school

 

its love but... but is it worth it?