Thought Life @ MindSay 
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde
Is it possible to spend ones entire life not good enough for anyone?
I have spent my whole life wondering this. I mean I did in all senses if you ask anyone that knows me spent most my life not being good enough for my own family. I never got good enough grade who new A(s) and B(s) werent good......I never was pretty enough....never dress right.......was never the right weight.....or height........never had the right hair color......new things at the right times......was organized properly......did things the right way........or mearly existed correctly. So you figure after spending 21 years not being good enough for the people that were supposed to love me unconditionaly I might actually be about to pick someone who I would be good enough for.
WRONG!
I met Ben who at first I couldnt get enough of just being friends with. I wanted him to be mine from the minute I layed eyes on him. There was something about him that made me want to do everything possible to be in his life and have him in mine. I threw parties, talked to him online, invited him over just to smoke hookah........did everything just to work up to finally having him as my boyfriend. Problem was a month into our relationship the pitter patter of little feet came along. No not puppy feet.....baby feet. I was pregnant with a little girl. He wanted a boy.......but we got a girl instead. He asked me to marry him and everyone in his family was convinced he was only doing it because he felt it was the right thing to do. I actually thought he loved me. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe he actually did love me and didnt ask me to marry him out of a sense of duty that he actually love me with his heart. Boy was I blinded by puppy love. I thought he and I were perfect ........we were happy, in love, and trying to make this young parent thing work. I should have known better. It was probably the fact that for the longest time everything seemed to be so perfect that I should have noticed how imperfect and impending doom things were gonna be at some point. Enter Maggie......I admit she was a BITCH from the begining. That nothing I did when I was around her was ever right. If I sniffled I was to sick to be around her son..........if I offered to do the dishes I was sucking up........if I called before I came over to her parents house and asked if I needed anything I was brown nosing......if i babysat for her sister I was just trying to suck up there as well. It never stopped and it was just with her. His whole family seemed to be playing these games and always changing the playing feild making it so I had to prove myself worthy of them. I finally blew up the day of Maggie's sons' baptism............I had enough of the bullshit crap treatment and I finally told Ben I had enough of it as well. I felt like I was constantly the bad guy in his families eyes that I wasnt good enough and they had set out to make him see it. I felt like I was a little kid again. At this point I was also 5.5 months pregnant and this was just more bullshit stress I didnt need. I felt so alone. A few weeks past and I was still feeling like I had done something wrong that maybe I wasnt good enough for him and that I never would be. I didnt feel like I had his support at all..........I felt like I was play dodgeball verse his family and was the last man standing on my team. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt and it was like I was talking in a different language. He kept trying to reassure me that it wasnt like that.........that he was trying to support me through this whole thing........but to me it certainly didnt feel that way.
Flash To The Present
I am not 6 months pregnant and I now know I am not good enough. I spent most of today feeling like an elephant was cramming my head into my neck and throwing up. I had been feeling terrible most of the day and finally stopped being sick except for the head part.......right around the time Ben said he would be over after work and bring me ginger-ale. I was just looking forward to seeing him because I had thought we were finally possibley gonna head in the right direction. I had agreed to possibley put my feels of discontentment with his family perticularly his sister aside and go to there family photos on sunday. I thought maybe this might just work itself out after all. Once again I was farely nieve. He called me from his house (his whole family was there) and said he wasnt coming out becuase he couldnt afford to be sick. What he really ment was I have to fix my truck and I am just using your sickness as an excuse. I became so upset by this. I mean we had been around his nieces and nephews when they had flu, pneumonia, and whatever the hell else.......but now he couldnt be around me becuase I was sick. I finally confronted him on it and he admited he stayed home to work on his truck. I had just had enough becuase he couldnt just tell me that. I was just so upset because for weeks on top of everything else it seems like he wanted to be somewhere other then with me. It was like he wasnt happy anymore. I asked him why he always seemed he never wanted to be here and he said it was because he felt like he was always pissing me off........and for the billionth time in months I told him he didnt always piss me off. I tried to explain to him that I wasnt actually constantly pissed it just seemsed like every chance I thought we could get somewhat back to happy the next day something fucked it up. I felt like i was becoming that appauling to him because he never seemed to want to be around or atleast when he was here it seemed he was counting the seconds till he wasnt. I asked him if it was the fact he had to be a grown up finally. I just wanted to know what is was.
I met Ben who at first I couldnt get enough of just being friends with. I wanted him to be mine from the minute I layed eyes on him. There was something about him that made me want to do everything possible to be in his life and have him in mine. I threw parties, talked to him online, invited him over just to smoke hookah........did everything just to work up to finally having him as my boyfriend. Problem was a month into our relationship the pitter patter of little feet came along. No not puppy feet.....baby feet. I was pregnant with a little girl. He wanted a boy.......but we got a girl instead. He asked me to marry him and everyone in his family was convinced he was only doing it because he felt it was the right thing to do. I actually thought he loved me. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe he actually did love me and didnt ask me to marry him out of a sense of duty that he actually love me with his heart. Boy was I blinded by puppy love. I thought he and I were perfect ........we were happy, in love, and trying to make this young parent thing work. I should have known better. It was probably the fact that for the longest time everything seemed to be so perfect that I should have noticed how imperfect and impending doom things were gonna be at some point. Enter Maggie......I admit she was a BITCH from the begining. That nothing I did when I was around her was ever right. If I sniffled I was to sick to be around her son..........if I offered to do the dishes I was sucking up........if I called before I came over to her parents house and asked if I needed anything I was brown nosing......if i babysat for her sister I was just trying to suck up there as well. It never stopped and it was just with her. His whole family seemed to be playing these games and always changing the playing feild making it so I had to prove myself worthy of them. I finally blew up the day of Maggie's sons' baptism............I had enough of the bullshit crap treatment and I finally told Ben I had enough of it as well. I felt like I was constantly the bad guy in his families eyes that I wasnt good enough and they had set out to make him see it. I felt like I was a little kid again. At this point I was also 5.5 months pregnant and this was just more bullshit stress I didnt need. I felt so alone. A few weeks past and I was still feeling like I had done something wrong that maybe I wasnt good enough for him and that I never would be. I didnt feel like I had his support at all..........I felt like I was play dodgeball verse his family and was the last man standing on my team. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt and it was like I was talking in a different language. He kept trying to reassure me that it wasnt like that.........that he was trying to support me through this whole thing........but to me it certainly didnt feel that way.
Flash To The Present
I am not 6 months pregnant and I now know I am not good enough. I spent most of today feeling like an elephant was cramming my head into my neck and throwing up. I had been feeling terrible most of the day and finally stopped being sick except for the head part.......right around the time Ben said he would be over after work and bring me ginger-ale. I was just looking forward to seeing him because I had thought we were finally possibley gonna head in the right direction. I had agreed to possibley put my feels of discontentment with his family perticularly his sister aside and go to there family photos on sunday. I thought maybe this might just work itself out after all. Once again I was farely nieve. He called me from his house (his whole family was there) and said he wasnt coming out becuase he couldnt afford to be sick. What he really ment was I have to fix my truck and I am just using your sickness as an excuse. I became so upset by this. I mean we had been around his nieces and nephews when they had flu, pneumonia, and whatever the hell else.......but now he couldnt be around me becuase I was sick. I finally confronted him on it and he admited he stayed home to work on his truck. I had just had enough becuase he couldnt just tell me that. I was just so upset because for weeks on top of everything else it seems like he wanted to be somewhere other then with me. It was like he wasnt happy anymore. I asked him why he always seemed he never wanted to be here and he said it was because he felt like he was always pissing me off........and for the billionth time in months I told him he didnt always piss me off. I tried to explain to him that I wasnt actually constantly pissed it just seemsed like every chance I thought we could get somewhat back to happy the next day something fucked it up. I felt like i was becoming that appauling to him because he never seemed to want to be around or atleast when he was here it seemed he was counting the seconds till he wasnt. I asked him if it was the fact he had to be a grown up finally. I just wanted to know what is was.
Did he not want anymore responsibilities in his life
........i asked
Did he not realize his unborn daughter and i could be his family too
........or is that not what he wanted
........i asked
Did he just want a convinient family
that whenever he wanted to make it work it worked
.......i asked
He finally responded, "I love you, and i want you and my daughter in my life permently"
........then came his "shaking episodes"
(which seemed to happen everytime he needed to be serious or something he didnt like happened)
"I am not doing so well with the stress ass of late, I have woken myself up a few times in the last two weeks by that I mean from shaking," he said.
"I mean it seems like every day im getting yelled at for something, and the stress has been to much
I want everything to work, but then I keep fucking it up," he continued.
"You can do better then me hun, Ikeep on puting stress on you and myself constantly I love you emensly hun I would give anything to keep you and our daughter happy I dont know what to do anymore, other then love you and try whatever I can, but that hasnt seemed to be wotrking," he eneded with.
I realized right when those words came from him that I myself was at fault for all of this. So that is it I thought........see I secretly new some how this was gonna happen.......When I had become not good enough for him either. I thought that by me loving him and supporting him was enough too......but I guess I had become such a monster trying to keep him in my life and get him to realize his daughter and I just wanted to be his family to. I should have realized when it took me 3 months just to get him into my life for more then a couple hours that I was out of my league.
"Whenever you realize that we dont necessarily need our own place to be our own family..........no matter where we are it can be good enough for you if you let it.......your daughter and I will be here when ever you decide to be here as well"
in later thought: I think I figured if I said those word my world wouldnt feel like it was crashing down so hard........
in reality thought: it all came crashing down at once
........i asked
Did he not realize his unborn daughter and i could be his family too
........or is that not what he wanted
........i asked
Did he just want a convinient family
that whenever he wanted to make it work it worked
.......i asked
He finally responded, "I love you, and i want you and my daughter in my life permently"
........then came his "shaking episodes"
(which seemed to happen everytime he needed to be serious or something he didnt like happened)
"I am not doing so well with the stress ass of late, I have woken myself up a few times in the last two weeks by that I mean from shaking," he said.
"I mean it seems like every day im getting yelled at for something, and the stress has been to much
I want everything to work, but then I keep fucking it up," he continued.
"You can do better then me hun, Ikeep on puting stress on you and myself constantly I love you emensly hun I would give anything to keep you and our daughter happy I dont know what to do anymore, other then love you and try whatever I can, but that hasnt seemed to be wotrking," he eneded with.
The Epiphany!
I realized right when those words came from him that I myself was at fault for all of this. So that is it I thought........see I secretly new some how this was gonna happen.......When I had become not good enough for him either. I thought that by me loving him and supporting him was enough too......but I guess I had become such a monster trying to keep him in my life and get him to realize his daughter and I just wanted to be his family to. I should have realized when it took me 3 months just to get him into my life for more then a couple hours that I was out of my league.
His Response
So I finally said the words that I was constantly choking into my thoat becuase I didnt want them to come out and be true.......... I said: He though that by us getting our own seperate place would fix all of this. That becuase we werent living seperate from our families that was why this was happening.
Landing On My Feet
"Whenever you realize that we dont necessarily need our own place to be our own family..........no matter where we are it can be good enough for you if you let it.......your daughter and I will be here when ever you decide to be here as well"
in later thought: I think I figured if I said those word my world wouldnt feel like it was crashing down so hard........
in reality thought: it all came crashing down at once
Thought Menagerie
So I am at work, should be working but decided to take a little break and share the profound thoughts that came to my mind on the way to dropping Maylin to daycare. :D
I saw this guy's car this morning start to buck and a lot of smoke was coming out of the exhaust pipe and I wasn't sure if it was: a. His car running out of gas.
b. His car can do that up and down thing that the rapper's cars do in the videos.
c. The smoke coming out was due to the hot air hitting the cold air.
So yea I chose A and thought how I wish I could help him because I know how frustrating it is when your car runs out of gas. But then I thought, that would be dangerous. I am a women with a child, what if he's some type of rapist or murder. If it was a women I would be more inclined to help out. So then my question/ thought is: Most people would be more willing to help a female out than a male out in that type of situation. Why is that?
Shortly after that, I began to think about Will and Grace and King of Queens and how the writing in those shows were soooo good! Then I thought about the strike with the writers and I realized how powerful these writers are I mean they are the essence of the show. But then I thought, but without the actors to bring the words to life, the writer's words would be just words. So my question is : Who brings more to the table? The writers or the actors?
-Lexy :)
P.S. So I was inspired by sirrunsalot blog to try to run at least once a week a mile or so and then build up from there. I mean he's training for Beijing, running like a gazillion miles, hardcore stuff- that is amazing! So if he can do all that, I'm sure I can run a mile or so once a week or more. So yea I'll be keep a little log on here. Like this morning I was going to start, but I was so exhausted. I didn't even do my normal walking. And then tomorrow is Saturday - sleep in day so I can't start tomorrow. Then Sunday is day of rest day right? So I'll start Monday...hehe...this is gonna be interesting!
I saw this guy's car this morning start to buck and a lot of smoke was coming out of the exhaust pipe and I wasn't sure if it was: a. His car running out of gas.
b. His car can do that up and down thing that the rapper's cars do in the videos.
c. The smoke coming out was due to the hot air hitting the cold air.
So yea I chose A and thought how I wish I could help him because I know how frustrating it is when your car runs out of gas. But then I thought, that would be dangerous. I am a women with a child, what if he's some type of rapist or murder. If it was a women I would be more inclined to help out. So then my question/ thought is: Most people would be more willing to help a female out than a male out in that type of situation. Why is that?
Shortly after that, I began to think about Will and Grace and King of Queens and how the writing in those shows were soooo good! Then I thought about the strike with the writers and I realized how powerful these writers are I mean they are the essence of the show. But then I thought, but without the actors to bring the words to life, the writer's words would be just words. So my question is : Who brings more to the table? The writers or the actors?
-Lexy :)
P.S. So I was inspired by sirrunsalot blog to try to run at least once a week a mile or so and then build up from there. I mean he's training for Beijing, running like a gazillion miles, hardcore stuff- that is amazing! So if he can do all that, I'm sure I can run a mile or so once a week or more. So yea I'll be keep a little log on here. Like this morning I was going to start, but I was so exhausted. I didn't even do my normal walking. And then tomorrow is Saturday - sleep in day so I can't start tomorrow. Then Sunday is day of rest day right? So I'll start Monday...hehe...this is gonna be interesting!
i hate january
this year my very first thought on January the 1st was:
It does not matter what i accomplish in life because no matter what i do in the end i will die and nobody will care.
this progressed to:
if i were to die right now the world would not be affected in anyway
which recently became:
my entire existence is pointless and does not affect everyday life in anyway
hope i didn't depress you
anyway,
"Bottom line, doing what we have to do to get some food in the fridge and stay out of the hospital"
LIFE IN GENERAL
HEY EVERYONE .. I AM JUST NEW TO THIS .. BUT I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD WRITE THIS CUZ I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TELL THIS TO. SO YEA .. I HAVE JUST COME OUT .. I AM BI ... AND SINGLE ... BUT RUMORS ARE GOING AROUND MY SCHOOL SAYING THAT ME AND MY BEST FRIEND ARE TOGETHER.... BUT THAT NEEDS TO FUCKING STOP ... AND MY LIFE ISNT GOOD AT ALL .. I LIVE WITH MY SISTER AND MOM ... AND NOBODY TO TALK TO ... I JUST WANT TO HAVE SOMEONE TO HOLD .. AND TO TALK TO WHEN I AM LONLY ... I ONCE WROTE SOMETHING DEEP .. IT WENT LIKE THIS
I GO DOWN TO MY BASEMENT
I PULL MY KNEES UP TO MY CHEST
AND I LET MY TEARS OUT .
I CRY FOR ALL THE THINGS BAD IN MY LIFE
I CRY FOR THE BITS OF HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE
I CRY FOR ALL THE PAIN IN MY LIFE
I CRY FOR NOT HAVING ANYONE TO LOVE
I CRY FOR MYSELF.. IN THE LIFE THAT I LIVE ..
I JUST CRY
NOBODY SAVES ME FROM MY SORROW .. I JUST SIT THERE
I AM LONLY ... NO SOUNDS .. NOTHING
NOBODY TO LOVE .. TO HOLD ME .. FOR ME TO HOLD
I AM SAD
I CRY
ME
SO YEA .. THAT WAS DEEP .. FOR ME ANYWAY.. I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS ..
WELL I AM GOING TO TRY AND KEEP THIS UP .
IT FEELS GOOD VENTING .. I HOPE PEOPLE READ THIS
Everything's Negotiable!
Howdy howdy all!
You know I have been thinking about changes in one's lifestyle and how we might change our lot by making everyday changes that we never thought we would. Okay, so that sounds a little convoluted and vague but hear me or rather read me out.
I want something so so different from what I have right now. And honestly up until now I had this idea that somethings in my life were simply non-negotiable. This is not the case. Like with Science fiction writing (you knew I was gonna dump this in there somewhere didn't ya?) everything doesn't necessarily depend on something else. The real twist on the genre is that NOTHING is non-negotiable. You can have communities where no one communicates verbally or where lower animals talk incessantly to their owners, or heck where children are kept based on whether or not they can see 3 dimensions at birth or not (I don't know how anyone would know it but heck its sci-fi and no rules are sometimes the rule).
I try and try to shift my thinking but only to the extent that my so-called mainstays, well stay. This isn't the way to go about it at all I think. Perhaps I should apply my writing life to my other lives or rather maybe they all should have a meet and greet and whole new conglomerate should surface? I mean I am making progress but not to my satisfaction (and really that is my goal, satisfaction). I don't necessarily want science fiction/fantasy existence but I do want less stops in place. I want a more negotiable sorta life. A life where I can decided that I don't have to do A before B can happen, maybe since I am staring M in the face I can just take a bite out of that first an then cruise up on previous or subsequent letters.
You know what I mean?
Funny but while thinking about this I thought about a song I used to like by a group whose name I can't remember called Semi Charmed Kinda Life. The sentiment isnt literal but I get what the guy's getting at ya know. I get it. Oh and the group is Third Eye Blind
Okay so maybe this song aint about what I really want but I get the sentiment even if the some of the subject matter differs from my own. Goddess Bless Post Script--just because you havent seen it, doesnt mean it isnt there! Technorati Profile
You know I have been thinking about changes in one's lifestyle and how we might change our lot by making everyday changes that we never thought we would. Okay, so that sounds a little convoluted and vague but hear me or rather read me out.
I want something so so different from what I have right now. And honestly up until now I had this idea that somethings in my life were simply non-negotiable. This is not the case. Like with Science fiction writing (you knew I was gonna dump this in there somewhere didn't ya?) everything doesn't necessarily depend on something else. The real twist on the genre is that NOTHING is non-negotiable. You can have communities where no one communicates verbally or where lower animals talk incessantly to their owners, or heck where children are kept based on whether or not they can see 3 dimensions at birth or not (I don't know how anyone would know it but heck its sci-fi and no rules are sometimes the rule).
I try and try to shift my thinking but only to the extent that my so-called mainstays, well stay. This isn't the way to go about it at all I think. Perhaps I should apply my writing life to my other lives or rather maybe they all should have a meet and greet and whole new conglomerate should surface? I mean I am making progress but not to my satisfaction (and really that is my goal, satisfaction). I don't necessarily want science fiction/fantasy existence but I do want less stops in place. I want a more negotiable sorta life. A life where I can decided that I don't have to do A before B can happen, maybe since I am staring M in the face I can just take a bite out of that first an then cruise up on previous or subsequent letters.
You know what I mean?
Funny but while thinking about this I thought about a song I used to like by a group whose name I can't remember called Semi Charmed Kinda Life. The sentiment isnt literal but I get what the guy's getting at ya know. I get it. Oh and the group is Third Eye Blind
Okay so maybe this song aint about what I really want but I get the sentiment even if the some of the subject matter differs from my own. Goddess Bless Post Script--just because you havent seen it, doesnt mean it isnt there! Technorati Profile
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