Thought For Today @ MindSay

Someone told me they wanted their ex back. I thought I would be okay with it, and I am, but it hit me alot harder than I thought it would. She told me In the car, and as corny as it sounds, I had to look away. I got a quivering lip. It just sucked to hear it. I will still back her 100%, it just hit harder than I though it would. I still love her. =/

I woke up this morning with the belief I would be granted a TRO today and after three hours of paperwork and two interviews I was lead to the magistrate and the answer was No. My first thought after the ringing in my ears stopped was this has to be a nightmare, I am still in my bed hearing the slamming of the doors and throwing of objects in the kitchen. You see while I was going to apply for the TRO either way today I left my house once again under distress. Mr. Howard immediatly began slamming doors and the very roomates that less than two days before said "we have your back" had neither called to check on me at work and upon hearing me prepare for whatever stood before me never bothered to ask "hey are you ok". Nope instead the first told me he now did not want to get involved, he had his career to think about. The second neither said anything nor looked in my direction, so I did what you think would be the right thing I again called officers to the house in an attempt to have everything on record.

I neither condone people that allow someone to beat or them or put themselves in situations were they are constantly the victim, I believe in the thought of getting up and standing up fopr yourself, the thought that the truth will set you free and lastly nothing you do, nothing you do in the dark remains there. (LOL) I am laughing because right now that is all I can do. Officers came to the house and the attitude was an immediate Oh its you again. They left me outside of my residence and went in to talk to Mr. howard and to my surprise I heard not only lies of payments for rent, but I heard laughter. I was becoming that crazy woman. The second roomate stood outside and after being asked about past occurances he simply stated that he had not been home for yesterdays blow out. I glared, they were already aware of the fact that there had only been two of us inside the house. He later went on to say he needed to think about the life he was trying to go back to "professional football. He played for soe team 5-6 years before and he did not want to be black listed. Once he told him about football the officer left outside with us began to ask questions and they joked about who was still playing for what team and what team was the team to beat this year.

That first tear fell and the same ones that were just laughing as if nothing mattered tried to ensure me that they were here to help me. I politley told them " you can leave sir and please, dont worry about me calling you again. The sgt. looked at me and tried to do the entire Im here to save your life speech along with this is what happens when you allow people to move in to your home. I answered back again with a calm voice as silent tears fell "when somoene gets hurts just know I called and I never lied, but I called you and asked for help and you laughed.

As I left the courtroom today I let tears fall and I cried out to nothing. You see I have been through some things in my life, I have been a victim of incest, not by one but several family members. I have had my apartment broken into and know the pain that someone violated my space once again. I have been held up at gun point, not in an alley but two seperate jobs ......places where I thought I was safe, there were others around me. I have been arrested on false charges made against me for theft, theft of a blanket and as I walked into that courtroom 11 years ago after four days of not having a bath, foor days of not eating depressed and withdrawn and near suicide watch I walked into that courtroom and told the judge I was innocent. Who needs to steal a blanket while I was in the process of being hired as a police officer. The judge not only dismissed the case but apologized.

I have lived and seen things I could not wish upon anyone. As the tears fell I thought about all that I had been through and I decided I am done with being scared. I don't know how to say it without coming across as giving up but I have had everything a woman can have taken away from and I refuse to believe that I have made it this far to have someone so small and evil knock me down. Don't get me wrong I am not perfect, I have hang ups and years after believing I was over things that happened and stopped blaming myself I know now the blame was still firmly held within my heart. No more. I am done.

Prayers are not only needed but to me they are worth more than anything I could dream of winning or finding right now. I know that I will not only get through and out of this a better person, but I also know there is a reason for everything. I don't know what the reason is, but I am willing to walk in faith.  (he is slamming things again and again we are the only two at the house...there will be no more tears, I will not give my life to something I don't believe in and I refuse to beaten down again.

If you stand for nothing than you will fall for anything. I stand and walk in faith.

Howdy Howdy all

Today is long
Tomorrow is too fleeting
Yesterday is gone

That is a sad excuse for a poem but I am pretty tired today so I thought I would write about that feeling in Haiku form. Oh and I will be back today with a poem for yesterday...I know my haiku said that yesterday was gone but still............LOL
Goddess Bless

Howdy Howdy All!

Well as you know I have decided to detox my life and my body once again. It is that time of year I suppose and I have built up so much superfluous gunk that my renovation is more of a complete tear-down. LOL! Anyway it is going fairly well and I have eliminated all foods with are not organic and all natural which means that my pork rind habit is a no-go AND I had to give up my newly acquired soda habit! Needless to say that the peppermint tea with a little Turbinado sugar is helping the transition. And to be fair I have already dropped a few pounds and am far more productive than I was even 24 hours ago! I am off to run some errands today and will take the camera along because I know how y'all love to be bored stiff by my pictorals of the city on my walking tours! LOL. I think I may sneak up on Torridgirl at work today too (shhhhh it's a secret!).
Myclette I know you have to hit the books so I wont bug you too much today!
later days friends! Get some fresh hair and dump those toxins!
Goddess Bless
*UPDATE* Torridgirl just called and I am meeting her at her job so that we can check out movie together later today (we both frequently get free movie passes--retail has its perks I guess! ) So I guess she wont be as surprised to see me as I thought! Oh Well! Check in with y'all later!

i got shot today.
-by a gang bangin' mofo that had no idea what was comin at him?
no. by a doctor. that made me wear a dress.



there's been an outbreak of Whooping Cough here in this place i live. 13 cases. so now the doctors are doing basically free vaccinations if you need it. we thought i needed it and i showed up today but they said that i didn't need it. that's good right? i hate shots.

but i needed more hepatitis shots. or. well. it was more like i already got my hepatits shots but i just needed that follow up shot.

so i did. and i got shot. and i hated it. and my arm hurts.



but the good thing is that i probably won't have to run so much today at practice. :D