Thought @ MindSay

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If I was at college this week, I'd have been seeing Dianne today.
Since I've agreed to attend another block of sessions, I really need to think about some issues I'm going to address.
As much as I'm going to despise it, I'll have to talk to her about that period of time that must not be discussed - 1996-2006. Or "5 to 15" as I call it when it's mentioned.
 
Regardless, there's a lot of things that are bothering me.
Though I'm starting to realise causes behind some of them - I'll get an idea, but then I'll doubt it - I'll ponder if it truly is the real reason behind something. Despite the fact I'm right about virtually everything, I have doubts if I'm right about this or not.
 
If only I could express my feelings through my creative assets like I used to.
I can't write, I can't draw - I haven't made any wav. mixes for ages, I'm starting to suck at Photography - the only thing I really have left are videos. Yes, I haven't lost my skill when it comes to writing scripts - but all these ideas I have, all the scripts I've written and planning sheets I've done - will they all be wasted?
 
If that's the case, I won't have anything left. Sigh.

My therapist thinks I'm too disconnected from society, namely people. The fact that I don't trust people, let alone my own family, makes me think she's not too far off. I guess over the years I've just grown accustomed to being the loner. The kid sitting in the back of the class not talking to anyone. The guy who prefers not to work with a partner. That guy who never speaks in class.

The irony of all of this? I'm incredibly amiable and sociable, but throughout my whole life no one has ever given me the chance to talk. Any time I did talk, I was treated like some brilliant outcast: a pariah. So I learned to keep open ears and a shut mouth. Every chance I could get I would lose myself in thought; deep, complex thought. I guess it's because I'm a philosopher by nature. I've always been incredibly inquisitive, always wanting to learn as much as I can.

Give me a good book and I'll be entertained for hours. Ask me to work in a group and I'll think of a million reasons to do all the work myself and just be done with it. Why? Because people cannot be trusted to do their share of the work. They cannot be trusted to be any more intelligent than a four year old. I don't automatically dismiss someone's intelligence right off the bat, but after a few sentences and observations of their personality, I can pretty much tell if I'm working with a dimwit. Maybe it's because they don't see the world as I see it, and maybe it's because I see the world for what it could be, and they see it for what isn't. 

Maybe it's because I seek something that most people couldn't care less to find. I seek thought. I seek intelligence. I seek answers.

I've been told many times, by many people that Curiosity killed the cat. But I soon learned that Satisfaction brought him back.

Friendly Reader,

I feel inclined to share something that, while just a personal observation, feels profound somehow.  I'm not even sure how I came at this, but I was in Walmart a couple days ago and a realization hit me so hard that I could have crumpled to the floor.

There was an older lady leaving an isle. She was small and petite, and she didn't have a shopping cart so she didn't require much room.  I moved for her and that's when it hit me - something about her reminded me of my mom.  I'm sure it was a combination of her size and the fact that the energy around her told me that she was a gentle, simple woman.  Other than her stature, however, I wasn't able to recall anything at all about her. And, that made me sad.   I had just totally dismissed a fellow HUMAN BEING in passing.  I felt so ashamed of myself... so sad.

I starting thinking about the hundreds, thousands of times I have done this before -- come into contact with life, only to look around it, or even through it and to in the grand scheme of things to take it for granted.  I'm not sure how I could do that, and to have done it so frequently that it has become something so second nature that it happens without a thought.

Then, I thought again of my mother. I allowed myself to linger in the sweet memory of her, so precious and gentle and soooo absolutely full of love.  I realized that there must have been thousands of people who had the opportunity to look her in the eyes, acknowledge her as a human being and to take away the smile that her own would have placed upon their heart. And yet, just as I had done with this lady in Walmart, they had done with her - passed by, caught up in the momentum of moving forward, out of habit without a thought.

At that moment, I felt a heavy weight upon me.  I felt regret for all the times and all the people who I have not 'seen'... and in that instant I chose to change that habit.  Instead of pushing past, instead of setting my eyes up ahead on my destination or on the ground, instead of disregarding life  ... I will do my best to make eye contact with everyone I pass.  I will do my best to smile and to mentally record something about them, whether it be the color of their eyes or the shape of their face. 

I do not want to be someone who literlly allows life to pass by without its proper acknowledgement.