Things I Hate @ MindSay 
i hate love
1. feeling vulnerable
2. feeling betrayed
3. feeling stupid
and they travel in a glorious threesome, these things
and there's no escape from them either. The best of the lot have had their share of those moments. (i say moments, but really it is and feels so much longer doesn't it?) Well I'm not the best of the lot..and i swear the threesome chase me. I'd even go so far as to say they harrass me with the same depressing, destructive effect on my sanity that a stalker ex boyfriend would have.
Moving on forward from the "poor me!" side of things : I admit it is only I who makes my bed, so I shouldn't be so surprised when I find snakes in it.
but this could take us on to that unanswered question.. so long unanswered it's been shelved way back somewhere under the classification of boring... What comes first.. the chicken or the egg?
. . . that really piss you off!
I hate those pistachios that are unopened. It takes a friggin' crowbar to get them out! Damn this low carb diet!
Um...is it just me, but does the pistachio resemble a female organ?
Well, blog. It looks like it's just you and me as always. And even though you aren't a real person, I know I can confide in you for everything and anything. And it's sort of sad. I have friends, I just never let myself get that close t them. Why? Because I don't want to become a pest to them, always talking about my problems. That can become annoying, so I talk to you. Because I know you can never hate me and I'll never hate you. You're my best friend.
Now, this whole thing with Joe is getting so dramatic. Sometimes I just want to forget. Somethings I wish things that are just so wrong. Like me wanting to be the one that died, and not my brother. Honestly all I want now is to stop hurting. To just be a stronger person. Kind of like Adam. He's a strong guy. Never let's any relationship with anyone get to him. He's smart and funny. And when he gets dumped, he just moves on. He doesn't give it a second thought. He lives in the now, he doesn't dwell on things. But, I.. I dwell on things and I know I shouldn't.
I have so much hope. I trust people way too easily and at the same time,... I don't. I'm such a complicated person and at the same time I'm not. I guess I'm just odd.
Anyway, so yesterday I told Aiden, or rather showed him yesterday's blog before posting it.. just to see what he thought. And I think it may have hurt him. Because in it, I said I no longer had any romantic feelings towards him, and I don't. But something about the way he acted afterward led me to believe he was sad. Like I had found the one and he was on the outside looking in on something he once had. Sometimes I wonder if he is the one I am meant to be with. But I also think if we did ever try again, it just wouldn't work and we'd be where we are now. So, I'm not going to think on that too much.
Now onto Joe. Joe... he's a really great guy. But sometimes he does things that just hurt me. And he doesn't know he does them. Stupid things actually. Well.. I think they're stupid because I really shouldn't care about them. But I do. And it's frustrating. I don't want to say anything because I don't want him to think I am trying to control him and the way he acts. Because I'm not. This is about my insecurities. I just don't know what to do.
Little things like his away messages irk me because.. well.. I can never tell who he is referring to in them. It could be me or Jordan. And I think they're always about Jordan. Not me. In fact.. I actually don't remember a time when he wrote an away message to me, for me, just for me unless he had seen one from me and made one to match. But yeah,.. I think lately they're just for Jordan. Maybe I should just step aside and let Jordan take the prize.
I mean, it's not that I don't want Joe. It's not that I don't love him.. It's just that I hate this feeling of jealousy. I hate knowing I have competition. I hate knowing there is someone else that also has his heart. Because.. well. what if we do get back together, I know in my mind he still loves Jordan. Yes, he'll be mine, but at the same time.. he won't be. Because his heart would be at two places at once.. more of it being with Jordan I think.
I don't hate Jordan, I'm just jealous that he gets all the attention I wanted from Joe that Joe never gave me. Joe treats Jordan the way I wanted to be treated in our relationship. And it sucks. Why can he act that way with him but not me? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just one of those people no one can love. Maybe the only person capable of loving me already has. Maybe I'm just not meant for this long term thing, maybe I'll never spend the rest of my days with someone special. Perhaps my future is planned to be only of short term romances or one night stands, but never any real love. Maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have been born.
Talking to him on online feels like talking to a wall. He doesn't really say much of anything ad I feel like I am talking to myself. I honestly feel like he is trying to get me to stop loving him. Like I'm going through another round of Aiden all over again. Because Aiden, I think tried to get me to stop loving him. They both seem like they're distancing themselves from me. Maybe I think too much is all. I don't know.
I hate it when he says things with the word "um" in front of it, because it seems like what he really wants to say is "Don't fucking talk to me". I dunno. Maybe if i got to see him face to face it wouldn't seem that way. Hmm. Maybe I'll just stop trying. But I don't want to. I know he loves me. I just know it. He tells me so. I'm just gunna say it when he says it to me from now on though.
I need to be a stronger person if I'm going to make it through this, for better or for worse. I know I can do this. I just need to try harder.
Thanks for listening to me rant again.
7:38pm
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I hate you...STOP F-ING KILLIN ME!! stupid freaky lookin monster things...*grumbles* that's what I get for going alone...cause no one loves me and will go with me *looks around* that's right...feel guilty you jerks! *shakes fist*
I've got an idea in my mind to cheat on my now serious boyfriend, Garret. He's nice, too nice almost, but he is amazing, and i do hate to say it but, I love him. I wish i didn't because that would make things so much more easy than they are now. This is the first REAL relationship that i have been in that has that sort of all consuming, deep, want to see you everyday, fuck you every night sort of love. now dont get me wrong i have loved before, but not like this. Those were passive loves. But with garret, i hate it when he doesnt call me or touch me or something, i can barely stand not seeing him for two days at a time. and the reason i'm going to cheat on him? Fear, basically. What happens if it doesnt work out? of course it won't, i know this. I'm too young to think that this thing that i have with an amazing guy will last longer than a few months, maybe a year if i'm lucky, or should i say unlucky? If this lasts any longer, I'll get my heart broken, and i'm too much of a bitch already. there are only two ways it can turn out if we dont break up now:
A) I become a big, huge, massive bitch without any real emotions because i got my heart broken and who's to say it wont happen again. I'll become one of those women on movies that shelter themselves from people for fear of being hurt again. And i would hate that OR
B) i become some sappy, sad lonely girl who only thinks about things that could have been instead of what i could make of things now. I would hate that too.
So i find myself at a paradox. What to do?????
I think I'll cheat on Garret and get him to break up with me. Jack is definately willing to mess around with me.And i find Jack intriguing, sexy and he's a big asshole which has always been appealing to me. The only thing that could go wrong is i'll miss out on the only chance at love i've got. But i dont believe that there's only one person for everyone do i? and if i do is garret it?
On a completely different note, i found a sweet ass lighter, it's an ice cream cone.
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