Things Happen @ MindSay

These are the things I hate.. you know the kind of things, that they happen to you and you just want to curl up fetal position in the hopes that you are magically transported back to a time before you were a complete blithering idiot! .. see now you get how much i hate..

1. feeling vulnerable
2. feeling betrayed
3. feeling stupid

and they travel in a glorious threesome, these things

and there's no escape from them either. The best of the lot have had their share of those moments. (i say moments, but really it is and feels so much longer doesn't it?) Well I'm not the best of the lot..and i swear the threesome chase me. I'd even go so far as to say they harrass me with the same depressing, destructive effect on my sanity that a stalker ex boyfriend would have.

Moving on forward from the "poor me!" side of things : I admit it is only I who makes my bed, so I shouldn't be so surprised when I find snakes in it.

but this could take us on to that unanswered question.. so long unanswered it's been shelved way back somewhere under the classification of boring... What comes first.. the chicken or the egg?

The other week i found out how many boxes it takes to pack up one's life.  not something i ever wanted to know.  but i along with a few others helped pack up my mother in law's closet.  up until that point i swear she was coming back.  i mean i know she died-but it just didnt feel real. 

i think one of the hardest things in a marriage is dealing with death.  its something you think will happen when you are old and gray.  not when you are young and still growing your family. 

the whole experience of packing up her things was surreal.  it took all my willpower not to break down.  anyway im hoping that my blogs wont be as depressing soon-and maybe just maybe i will get to blog about politics and the world.

here i am back to how i was before. always by myself with nothing to do. wondering where life will be taking me next. lost of things have gone and passed. just not sure about things anymore. what happened to the days when things were so much easier? when your worries were so simple and the only thing you had to worry about the next day was what your mother was going to pack for lunch for school? those days seem to have come and gone so easily. why don't we cherrish those days when we were younger? there is so much more to worry about now. will i be able to pay my bills and rent these days? how can i find a better job? what do people think of me? what will happen to my friends? will i still have them tommorrow or will they be gone? those are the questions i am asking myself these days

I'm feeling deflated now. I say that as though I was at one time filled with air, floating merrily amongst the clouds. Uh, I swear I just heard a wolf howl. I know for a fact that Australia is what I'd call a "wolf-free" country. That's what I get for living in Canberra.

She seems to be going through times no easier than she was as the beginning of the relationship. That is to say she has gotten worse. I'm wondering what she'll do to herself next. It worries me. I don't feel as though this is something under my control, nor would I wish it were so. I only want to be with her. I don't want to be for her. She needs herself, and only herself. What happens next though? How does she heal from the wounds she bears already? I've suggested that she talk to someone. Someone who has an education. Someone other than me. I only finished college, which some of you call high school. Besides, I'm biased.
I don't want this again. I just want them to look after themselves. I gess the first two did. They ditched me. Ha. That's a depressing, although curiously eye opening, thought.

I'd like to talk to my exs. Old friends. Old enemies, sometimes. It's sad, but I don't know how. I don't even know their numbers, some of them. What do I do then? I know there are phone books. I know where some of them live. Is that enough? Maybe. I'll have to remember tomorrow.
There was something important that I remembered this morning but can't recall. Very important. I'm a mess. What was it?

The thing that dominates my mind right now is how she is going to react when she reads this. I bet she doesn't talk to me for hours and when I finally call her she acts as though nothing is wrong, or tries to hide it and doesn't tell me most of the problem. I can only think of how much time that will take, and the way she does it every time something goes wrong. Does anyone have any hints? How do I deal with this, I wonder.

I've grown so much since my first girlfriend. It's strange thinking of things that I used to do. Things I've grown out of, or ways that I've changed mentally. My perception of my surroundings has changed dramatically. I don't feel like a kid anymore. I just feel like someone who has yet to find where they belong. I wonder when that'll happen. It doesn't matter yet. It will happen.

Just another post on the all-mighty Internet. Let's see how it does.

"But if you really want to live/Why not try and Make Yourself"

I wonder, if she breaks will she heal the right way? I wonder if there will be cracks in the pottery. Beauty in imperfection seems to be a common theme these days. Will it suit her?

-Mitch

"Thoughts are the shadows of our sensations -- always darker, emptier, simpler than these." Friedrich Nietzsche

There are a million different thoughts about dozens of different things going on in my head right now.  Some good, some bad, some that are just barely there waiting their turn.  Some I want to talk about and will.  Some I want to talk about and can't for various reasons.  Some that I just want to keep to myself.

A lot has been going on in my life in the past few months.  A lot of things have happened, some good, some bad.  Sometimes I just want to sit and think about things and recap.  To razor them down to their simplest form, put them in order, and draw lines between the ones that connect and see how one thing brought about or at least affected the other.

I'm not one of those people that can have things happen to them, look at the situation, smack on a bandaid (or whatever is appropriate) and then move on.  If something good happens I want to know why and how so maybe I can make it happen again.  If something bad happens I want to know how and why so maybe I can prevent it from happening again.  To me, there is no such thing as simply letting it go and moving on.  At least not quickly.  I rarely say "Eff it, it's happened now and I can't do anything about it so just let it go".  Once something has happened, I know that I can't make it NOT have happened.  But, by understanding why and how it happened in the first place, I can make it not happen again.  Or make it happen again, depending on what it is.  Or at least have a good damn try at it.

I'm one of those people that HAS to know, HAS to understand.  Even if it hurts.  Even if it hurts to the point that I just want to carve the feeling, as if it were a tangible thing, out of my body and make it disappear.  Because knowing is better than constantly wondering and worrying.  Understanding is better.

So one of the things that has been going on in my head lately is God.  A few years ago I decided that I wasn't Christian anymore.  For lack of a better term, I called myself a Pagan.  I meant it in the definition that I wasn't Christian.  Not as a term that defined what I DID believe about God, but what I DIDN'T believe.  I still don't believe in the Christian god and I never will again.  That ship has sailed.  Going back to it will not be beneficial to me.  It wouldn't be progress.  And I simply don't believe.  That's as plain as I can make it.

Something really bad happened not long ago.  Something that made me wonder if something was wrong with me.  Something that made me wonder why people think it's ok to do certain things to me, treat me a certain way.  It made me wonder why anyone would think that I would be ok with it.  Why no one has ever loved me enough NOT to do it.  Why no one has ever loved me enough to put me first, to think of my feelings before someone else's.  I think because I react differently than most people, because I am quick to anger, then the anger dies and I end up comforting the person who hurt me, then the pain and anger build up again but I feel like it's too late to be angry and hurt.  Because I do this, people seem to think that I get over things quickly.  But I don't. Outwardly it seems like I do, but I don't.  And I started thinking about Karmic Reincarnation.

I thought I believed in Karmic Reincarnation.  It made sense at one point.  But really, is it fair for someone to be punished in THIS life for something they don't remember doing in a past life?  No, it's not.  And if I'm wrong about that, what else am I wrong about?  At one point I believed in a Goddess.  A mother-type figure.  Someone who wasn't perfect, who wasn't without human feelings or thought or designs.  I liked the idea of having a mother who loved me, who accepted my imperfections, my ideas.  Who accepted who I was.  But is there really a Goddess?

If there is a god or goddess, why do bad things happen to good people?  Why did I end up with a husband who lied, cheated, and hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally?  Even though I made mistakes, I treated him well.  I didn't deserve what he did to me.  I sure as fuck didn't deserve what happened not too long ago either.  I thought why would a goddess let that happen to me?

Maybe the answer is that there is no god, no goddess.  No benevolent being who cares what happens to us one way or another.  Some people would say we bring things upon ourselves.  But I did nothing to deserve what happened.  In my marriage, yeah, maybe I did deserve some of it.  I wasn't an angel, not in the last years.

Random fact about me that none of you know.  My ex husband had a fling with a woman when we were married (there were several, but I'm talking about one specific incident here).  I wasn't sure about it, but I suspected even though he denied it.  So I went home for a visit and slept with an ex boyfriend.  See?  I'm no angel.  It was wrong, horribly wrong.  I regretted it the moment I did it.  And I paid for it, and paid for it, and paid for it.  I don't beat myself up for it anymore.  But I did take responsibility for it.  I had no excuse.  But maybe because of that, I did deserve some of the hell I lived through with him.  You reap what you sow.

But there were a lot of things I didn't deserve.  And what god would say I did?  What good goddess?  What mother would make her daughter go through that?

But then I think that maybe I had to go through those things to appreciate what I have now.  Maybe I was being shown what a bad man, a bad marriage was, to appreciate having a good man.  To appreciate a good relationship.

None of it really makes any sense one way or another.  I was thinking earlier that maybe it's really not that important.  Maybe it shouldn't be important at all.  And to some people it isn't.

But it is to ME.  It's part of understanding myself and the world around me.

I started this post with a quote, so I'll end it the same.

"The unexamined life is not worth living"  - Socrates.